Am I crazy?

[jenifer1972]

Sorry I was trying to do two things at once. She was sleeping in another room. Hers I assume it was her house. I haven't talked to them. And to be honest don't want to. At this point they obviously are not concerned with what I think. What woman would agree to to drive another womans husband to her house without him telling his wife where he was going. I am sure it is not their fault but I would be very conscious of telling the wife. But I guess that is because I am a wife myself.

 

That is what I would like to figure out. But he is unwilling to talk about it at this point. I am going to give him a few days to calm down which is what I thought I was doing and then start out the conversation with that question.

 

 

What kind of woman does this? Seriously?..

 

It's not their fault?...that they keep just "falling together in situations as if by fate"???

 

And then you say you don't understand why your marriage is in trouble over some dumb girl? You are going to watch for signs? You mean other than him not coming home and SLEEPING at the other woman's house?

 

I understand that denial is a very strong emotion that protects us from what we don't want to accept yet. I am guilty of it too, but it is easier to see it when it's other people I guess!

[BellaBellaBella]

confused98 have you googled signs of cheating and compared it to what is going on?

 

Look at his needs and try in your mind to figure out what are his top one and try and match those.

[fit]

I posted this a few weeks ago Confused.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X

 

Your husband is cheating on you....at the very least emotionally, which is about a second away from physical. Ive been on both sides of the fence on this---confront this now or be blindsided later.

YOU are not the problem here. You may be part of the problems in your marriage, but him cheating is his problem and his alone. Try to fix this before it gets to the point of no return.

[2sunny]

I wanted to get an understanding of what was bothering him. He wanted to proceed with having the talk right there in the restraunt and I managed to convince that wasn't the right time or place.

 

there will never be the "right time" to talk about all of this.

 

just stop avoiding the reality of what's actually happening. sit him down as soon as you see him and tell him he gives his time and energy to someone outside your M. it's not right and if HE doesn't stop now - HE is ruining the M and there is nothing left to work on or save.

 

if he's unwilling to give her up right then - you have your answer. in that case file for divorce and show him what his actions do to the M.

 

him taking personal info outside the M is a complete betrayal to you. that's cheating as well. he steals your peace of mind every time he does it.

 

if you can't trust him - there's really nothing to work on. you can't trust someone who gives evidence that they are untrustworthy. you can leave them though.

 

you have a choice... keep your best interest in mind. if YOU aren't willing to take care of YOU first - then no one else will.

[Confused98]

First let me say I do not believe he is cheating. Everything I have seen and heard has led me to believe he is not cheating. And I am not in denial about it either I just don't see how it would be happening. But I see the potential for it to happen if we continue down the path we are on right now.

 

And we are having issues. He does not want to be around me anymore because of it. He says he still loves me but when I say I want to work things out he doesn't exactly agree(doesn't disagree either). He said he needed some time to think it over. It is really hard for me to give this to him but if it is what he needs I will try. Some things I have read say that a break can be really good. Let's both parties think and realize what they have.

 

Now I am worried about what might happen if he comes back and is ready work things out with me. I need him to realize he hurt me too and that he is going to have to work hard also. I am afraid he will not want to. How do I make him understand that he has hurt me and that we BOTH need to work to fix things up.

[BellaBellaBella]

So he is living elsewhere now? How long have you been separated.

[Confused98]

Just sleeping in another room. Since Saturday. Sunday we actualy spent some time together during the day. But he also was on a work trip this week.

[BellaBellaBella]

So what are the issues, that are so bad he needs to think this over? Did you look at His Needs/Her Needs? Probably the best thing to do would be a plan a and try to figure out his emotional needs and start meeting them.

Show him what a great wife he could be losing.

 

Other people please chime in here.

[jenifer1972]

I've read the book. It is excellent, but my feeling is that the horse (her H) is way out of this barn and galloping in the pasture here and not really very concerned about saving his marriage very much.

 

My personal feeling is that what he has done is very disrespectful, and as long as she doesn't call him out on that, it will continue. There is a poster on these boards who has the saying "we teach people how to treat us", and it is so true.

[Confused98]

Yes I did look at the book as well as some online material related to the book. It is a great book and I do believe that this is where it all started. And neither of us are having our emotional needs fully met. I have mentioned to him that I am reading books and articles but I didn't say anything about wanting him to read them. I'm not sure he would be open to that.

I think the biggest issue is he is simply not happy. I don't know hat he need to think about.

Part of my problem is going to be making him understand my side of things. That I'm not happy either that I am hurt by what has happened. But I am willing to take partial blame because I know there are things I could have done better. I also know that he is also at fault. I don't want to push him away but at the same time I feel like if he is not willing to do this for me than what is the point. I can't put all the effort in. But with the way he is feeling now he might think it would be easier to just give up. I'm not willing to give up.

[Confused98]

By the way I have told him what he has done has hurt me. He knows that. I realize that this has not been going on very long compared to most situations I have seen but how long will it take. I mean I hear people separating or being unhappy for years. I don't want that to happen. I Think that if we work this through now we have our whole lives ahead of us that can be happy and good. But I hope it is not years before that happens.

[BellaBellaBella]

Perhaps as I said before you need to do something as simple as a plan A.

If you looked at the books and site there. You would understand that, bringing him to see you can meet his needs.

[Minnie09]

Well, it doesn't seem that H is very open to any discussion related to the M. He seems to be feeling unhappy, but that doesn't mean that you can do anything to make him feel better. As a matter of fact, he is withdrawing rather than trying to work things out with you. Take that as a sign from him. As he won't be upfront with you about what's really going on inside of him, you have to read him by how he's acting. He is on the "the grass is greener" path, and the more you try, the more he's going to withdraw.

Go on with your own life, try to make yourself feel better about YOURSELF, do your thing and let HIM approach you. If he sees what he might be losing, he might change his mind. Right now, the effort to work on this M is totally one-sided. That is not going to work for you!

[luvstarved]

Well, it doesn't seem that H is very open to any discussion related to the M. He seems to be feeling unhappy, but that doesn't mean that you can do anything to make him feel better. As a matter of fact, he is withdrawing rather than trying to work things out with you. Take that as a sign from him. As he won't be upfront with you about what's really going on inside of him, you have to read him by how he's acting. He is on the "the grass is greener" path, and the more you try, the more he's going to withdraw.

Go on with your own life, try to make yourself feel better about YOURSELF, do your thing and let HIM approach you. If he sees what he might be losing, he might change his mind. Right now, the effort to work on this M is totally one-sided. That is not going to work for you!

 

I SO agree with this!!! I think that he is seeing your efforts as more

crawling up his ass, not giving him space, being needy and perhaps he feels guilty for his "grass is greener" thoughts. Most of us know that

the greener grass is a big fat myth...but it takes time. Trying to

force the issue is just going to further push him away. Your best bet,

NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT POTENTIALLY SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE...is

to focus on yourself. I know it isn't easy when it feels that so much

is at stake, but in the end it is probably your only hope. He needs to

see what he really stands to lose, and if all it looks like is a lot of

emotional turmoil, he's not going to think of it as something that he would

miss much.

 

I'd just say something like, you don't want to talk, fine. You think I'm crawling up your

ass, fine, I'll stop. You might have legitimate issues with me, but I have legitimate issues with you, too, and guess what? If you want to be a married man, you need to realize that there will always be legitimate

issues no matter who you are married to and learn to deal with them.

I don't have time to try to read your mind or figure out what you want,

and I'm sorry I wasted so much time trying. If you don't want to be with

me, just say so. I love you and want to work this out, but I can't do it

in a vacuum. And I certainly don't want to be with someone who does

not want to be with me. I'd rather find someone else who does. I

am willing to put forth any effort required to repair this marriage, but

until you decide you want to participate, I am just going to focus on

my own needs. I am willing to give you some time to sort out your

feelings if that is what you need, but don't expect infinity. Life is

too short.

 

And then...if you have to MAKE yourself get out of the house, find a

hobby, make new friends yourself, WHATEVER to push this out of

your mind until he figures himself out...DO IT!!!

[Confused98]

Thanks guys it is going to be extremely hard for me to do this but I guess i have no choice.

 

Before I read this I talked to him. He said he has not decided if he is coming home Tonight and that he might leave for the weekend. And take the time to think things through. I said I was hoping to spend time with him alone this weekend. He didn't respond.

 

I don't know that I can deal with this. I can't just give up. I want to meet his emotional needs but he is not wanting that right now. He wants time and space to think.

 

I don't know how to let him go without making it clear I want him to come back.

[luvstarved]

Thanks guys it is going to be extremely hard for me to do this but I guess i have no choice.

 

Before I read this I talked to him. He said he has not decided if he is coming home Tonight and that he might leave for the weekend. And take the time to think things through. I said I was hoping to spend time with him alone this weekend. He didn't respond.

 

I don't know that I can deal with this. I can't just give up. I want to meet his emotional needs but he is not wanting that right now. He wants time and space to think.

 

I don't know how to let him go without making it clear I want him to come back.

 

You do have a choice. To do what is best for you or just keep begging him and hoping that he will act the way you want him to.

 

Now it seems to me that he is either pushing the envelope to see how much power he has here or punishing you in some way or has emotionally checked out altogether, or all three. He is thinking over whether he will come home? Look, I still believe that you have to give him some space in terms of talking it out right now and maybe try to have some uneasy temporary truce...and not keep forcing the issue.

 

However, this silent maybe-I-will-come-home-maybe-I-won't seems a bit much...I would NOT take this to mean that you should demand to talk it out and spend alone time and all that but I would not allow him to just go off and do as he pleases while you sit there cooling your jets and wondering.

 

I am also wondering if the problem with your demeanor is that when you do check up and assert yourself you do it in a PLEASE LOVE ME way...rather than demanding respect, etc. Not sure about this but food for thought.

 

It's easy to say all this, I know you want to save your marriage but again pushing it is not the answer. On the other hand, allowing him to just carry on as he pleases isn't either.

 

I would advise you to tell him that if he needs to think, he'd better think fast. You can exhibit self-respect and show him that you are serious about the marriage without begging and pleading for his attention.

 

Maybe you should tell him that you want to know if he is going to be there for the weekend because if he is not, you're going to go away for a spa

weekend or whatever. He might not seem to care at first...but if he cares at all it'll plant the seed of reality into his mind.

 

I don't know if this is something you can do or if it is just counter to your personality but things are definitely going in the wrong direction here and if the resolution is the worst, then the sooner you find out the better. At the same time your best action is again to ignore his little indulgences and "do you" and see if that wakes him up.

[luvstarved]

Oh and don't worry about him knowing you want him to come back. He knows. Better at this point, honestly, that he should wonder.

[Confused98]

I'm afraid if I say I need an answer now bc i think he'll make the choice I don't want him to make because it is easier to make that choice.

I told him I wanted him to come home and spend time with him just me and him and just be happy together. I don't want to "talK it out" until we are both ready.

[Minnie09]

I'm afraid if I say I need an answer now bc i think he'll make the choice I don't want him to make because it is easier to make that.

 

Know exactly what you mean. Been there, done that. But you know what? You shouldn't have to be thinking his thoughts, anticipating what he may decide, using reverse psychology until you think he's ready to give you the answer you would like to hear. It's not your job. If you're afraid of his decision, and yes, I know you are, then tell him NOW that he needs to approach you when he's ready, you will not mention the subject again, you've invested enough in this mayhem, and you're done. You're waiting. He has to come up with whatever, plus a survival plan in case he still wants the M.

BTW, is he still fooling around with his "friend"?

If you don't want to tell him the above, give him a card or a letter explaining your decision. After that, leave him alone and wait. The ball will be in his court. And in the meantime, TRY (I know I know) to enjoy yourself, don't stay home too much, distract yourself, act happy. Just try.

[Confused98]

Know exactly what you mean. Been there, done that. But you know what? You shouldn't have to be thinking his thoughts, anticipating what he may decide, using reverse psychology until you think he's ready to give you the answer you would like to hear. It's not your job. If you're afraid of his decision, and yes, I know you are, then tell him NOW that he needs to approach you when he's ready, you will not mention the subject again, you've invested enough in this mayhem, and you're done. You're waiting. He has to come up with whatever, plus a survival plan in case he still wants the M.

BTW, is he still fooling around with his "friend"?

If you don't want to tell him the above, give him a card or a letter explaining your decision. After that, leave him alone and wait. The ball will be in his court. And in the meantime, TRY (I know I know) to enjoy yourself, don't stay home too much, distract yourself, act happy. Just try.

 

He wasn't fooling around to begin with. That's just what started this whole thing. Me thinking there was something that there was not and me snooping which made him mad.

Right now enjoying myself is going to be difficult. I will try I suppose.

[luvstarved]

Look I am going to be blunt. He is very withdrawn from you right now and it is not a good sign. Whatever has caused it...and yes the snooping made him mad but it was not as though you did it entirely arbitrarily...right now from what you describe he could be up to a variety of things, but none of them that sound positive wrt your marriage. He could just be really mad, or he might be acting like he is "thinking things through" when all he plans to do for the weekend is have fun and worry about the marriage later, he could be soul-searching, and yes, he could be getting deeper into an emotional attachment to someone else, with or without a physical component. But there's nothing to suggest that he too wants to discuss and work it out at this time.

 

I do wonder whether he might regard you as "clingy" and whether you might indeed come across this way. This is a huge turnoff for most men. I don't know how long you have been married or how old you are (sorry, maybe it is in the thread, I did not reread the whole thing) but am curious about it...

 

This is part of why you are being advised to find your own things to do. Many men also take notice when you stop being clingy and then want you back. If he realizes that you are not just going to sit around wondering and hoping about his return (during which time he has all the control and can do what he wants) it WILL get his attention and if there is any hope for the marriage, he will come to you. If not, well, then you know.

 

More than that though it is important for YOUR well being to not fall into this. I realize that you may not generally be that way, though maybe you are, and that your marriage is in crisis and deserves extra attention. But he is pulling away and the way to get him going in the other direction is NOT through begging or sitting still while he goes and "finds himself".

 

Take the time to find yourself too. It might not be what you want to do and will be hard. Start with one activity at a time during which you do not allow yourself to dwell on him. Soon enough, you won't have to force it.

 

And when and if you do get to talk about this with him, own your part of it but don't give him a free pass, either. You both contributed to this situation AFAICT and it will take both of you to effect any repairs.

[Confused98]

Thanks. This is going to be by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

[liveit]

Your feelings are valid. Tell him to respect your feelings and stop. If he doesn't, threaten to find your own 'friend'. If he can't empathize with your pain from that suggestion then threaten to leave him and mean it. Google 'gaslighting'. You deserve to feel safe in your marriage. Make your needs known. Good luck.

[Confused98]

Things seem to be better. He came home and we are spending some time together. I told him I would wait for him to be ready to talk. He hasn't yet. I will give him time and for right now enjoy our time together which I am. At some poointthough we do need to sit down and talk. I hope that in the meantime we don't fall into our old habits.

I am going to not bother him about it though. And he stayed this weekend obviously.

I hope to get him to read his needs her needs but for now I won't worry about that. I need to make sure I am being the person that he fell in love with.

[Confused98]

Your feelings are valid. Tell him to respect your feelings and stop. If he doesn't, threaten to find your own 'friend'. If he can't empathize with your pain from that suggestion then threaten to leave him and mean it. Google 'gaslighting'. You deserve to feel safe in your marriage. Make your needs known. Good luck.

 

I will make my needs known. But I need to be clear with him that I a, not asking for him to change. I am afraid he will think I am trying to change him and I'm not. I love him the way he is. I just want him to meet my needs.

Not sure how exactly I'm going to do that yet.