Am I crazy?

[BellaBellaBella]

I think I am more confused then you. You started by saying that you were concerned about him and this woman. You snooped he got mad. You asked him to stop talking to her, he agreed and then went to spend the night at her place. Is all this he isn't happy due to that?

 

Was everything good before that? What needs were missing prior to that?

 

Did you ever talk to the friend who confronted him and her?

[fit]

Im confused too. What makes you think the other woman is out of the picture ? Because he said so ? Dont you feel a little uncomfortable with the fact that he will go away a whole weekend and not tell you where he is sleeping ?

Im a guy, and I dont trust your husband. He doesnt sound like someone who is interested in your needs, only his own. He has "hand" in this relationship and thats not how it should be. Things should be pretty close to equal.

By the way...someone who has nothing to hide shouldn't care if your snooping. He should be going out of his way to make himself an open book... instead of fuming over you "snooping".

[BellaBellaBella]

My understanding is he didn't go away for the weekend.

[funnyluv]

How are things going Confused? Have you and your husband had a chance to talk? Has he stopped contact with the female that you were suspicious of?

[Confused98]

Actually I am more confused than ever but I am working through it.

I tried to give us a weekend for us a fun happy weekend. Then I was stupid and got upset over something insignificant which blew up a huge fight because of all the emotions we had not talked about yet. We still haven't. I have made it very clear to him that I am willing and ready to talk whenever he is. He has been sleeping in another room in the house and hardly communicating with me. Unfortunately I don't take this very well and have pushed him some. I am trying really hard to leave him alone and let him make his own decisions but I am finding difficulty in it. I have found some articles on the net and read some books that is helping somewhat but I still feel the urge to go to him. I know that this will only push him further away but I can't help it.

As far as I know he is still communicating with her. He stays out after work almost every night and I only assume she is present in some way. I asked him if he could maybe chill out on hanging with her atleast for a little while until we can have a chance to work on things. He didn't say no but he didn't say yes either. He doesn't want me controlling him. I know this.

 

No things were rocky before. Things just got way worse about the time I came here. I guess a little before. When things got worse it was like he started giving up. Then things just kept getting worse. He still hasn't told me if he wants to work on it or not. I would push it but I don't think I want to push him to make a decision.

 

And no he didn't leave for the weekend and even if he had I knew where he was going.

 

Tonight he went to a group event without me. I am fairly positive she was not there. Like I said he's not talking to me hardly but he told me that he was planning on going to this event. A whole later when we were both home I asked just to be sure if he was planning on going alone. He of course said yes. I said ok and left the room and did something else. About an hour later he comes to change clothes. I try to make small chit chat and as he is leaving I ask if he knows what time he will be home. This sort of sprung a fight of sorts. And it wasn't just me asking him but a slow progress of things. I had tried so hard to keep my cool about it and I blew it he said he didn't want to deal with it anymore and that it was over. And after I said some things I shouldnt have said and he left. he called me a few minutes later With both of us calmed down he didn't directly apologize but he made it seem like he was sorry for what he said. After that I went back to my own thing and did a few things I had been meaning to do. Once it got to be about the time I thought the party would be winding down I texted him to see if he was having fun. No answer. So after another hour or so I called. The first time it cancelled. I don't know if he cancelled it or i lost connection because I was in a bad spot. So I moved to a better location and tried again. I went straight to voicemail which made me think he turned off his phone but that's just speculation. An hour or so later he texted me and said he wasn't sure if he was coming home yet and asked if I was still up. I replied that I was awake and asked that he please let me now so I wouldn't worry. No reply and he still hasn't replied almost another hour later. I'm not sure what to do now. I don't think I should call him but he probably thinks I'm asleep by now too. I should probably leave it alone. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.

 

Well felt good to write it all down atleast. Even if I am still confused.

[BellaBellaBella]

Confused, why were things rocky before? I know your afraid, it seems like this is the place to vent. Have you ever talked to the friend who confronted him?

 

What kind of event is it? Was there a choice for you to go? Seems like he is pushing you away and your afraid and clinging more. Now is the time to set some boundaries for yourself.

 

Bella

[Confused98]

Just things were not all good like they had been. It's hard to see those times as being bad now because now it is so much worse. But I don't think either of us was truly happy but I thought it was stress. I the we just have some things to work on once we mend. The his needs her needs way.

Never talk to her. Not sure I will get the chance. At this point that doesn't matter anymore and would likely just cause more problems.

I don't know that he is pushing me away as much as he just wants space. I am trying to give him that now. I am definitely clinging and worst part is I know it and I can't stop

It was a party. No way for me really to go without him. So without forcing myself in his car. Didn't think that was the right thing to do.

By the way he did come home tonight. Which is good. I am sure he is sleeping in another room but for now I will leave him alone. Hopefuly he will come to me when he is ready to talk.

Set boundaries for myself? Not sure what you mean by this.

[2sunny]

you're confused only because he treats you like trash and YOU don't get mad - when you should!

 

you should be flaming mad! get mad - and stay mad. also be mad at yourself.

 

how could you not want more for yourself? get a firm, tight boundary and stick to it. a boundary that doesn't allow him to walk all over you - with you standing there begging for more... it's time to traet YOURSELF with some self respect!

 

he's treating you worse than dirt - kick his sorry a$$ out, change the locks, move your money and tell him to go fly a kite in someone else's yard now. you deserve better than begging a man to come home - knowing full well he's out womanizing - all the while ignoring the woman he's supposed to love. THAT is NOT loving behavior - so don't think it is.

 

give him what he deserves - a good swift kick - all the way to the curb.

 

speaking of curbs - put his stuff at the curb in the morning and text him to come pick it up - or it gets picked up by the salvation army truck by noon.

 

that ought to get him moving into SOME sort of action. this is no loving man - so stop treating him as though he is. he is a dick with a capital D!

[BellaBellaBella]

Perhaps if you set a boundary of giving up relationship talk for a certain number of days, venting online when you need to. This would be a boundary you could maintain. It could be by the hour. I will not talk about this relationship until noon tomorrow with my husband. Then if you feel the need post on here or make a plan for yourself. Go shopping to make a nice dinner. Make an appointment for a pedi. Go for a walk. You can ask him to join you but do not engage. Be open to him, but take a bat to the bed and beat the crap out of it before you engage.

 

Right now, you are in limbo, this isn't something easy to live with. Why don't you make a limit of how long you can live with your husband in the other room. That is a boundary. Tell us what are some boundaries you could put in place to help yourself?

[2sunny]

and by the way - HE is never going to talk about it - he will let you suffer by not talking to you... that man is not loving. if you want to talk so badly - then YOU bring it up! get some strength about you girl!

[2sunny]

ask him point blank not to communicate with her anymore.

 

check to be sure he's not... if he is - he respects communicating with her as a priority more than your peace of mind.

 

simple really.

 

 

he offered - now take him up on his offer. if he argues that he shouldn't have to - remind him that he offered - and that is what you now want.

 

and i still stand by my original post. tell him NO MORE communicating at all with her. if he won't - he values her more than you!

 

start having a voice and speaking YOUR truth. this wimpy approach by avoiding talking to him will get you nothing except negative, resentful energy in the room.

 

speak up! do it now! you have a voice for a reason - use it.

[2sunny]

since he's home now - go wake him up and tell him to get out. take his things and don't come back.

[Confused98]

Bella:

Thanks. You've been so helpful. Yes I think I need this outlet to vent. I am going to continue to try and use it as that. Right now I am keeping it together. Yes he is sleeping in another bed. But i am trying to see it as a positive thing. It won't really ever work out if I don't let him decide that it is what he wants. Meanwhile I am trying to be positive with myself. Not just mope around waiting for him. I think I could do this for a week. But I will need to take it a day at a time. He actually called me today. He had to go to work this morning and called to inform me he still had another hour of work to do and offered to pick up some lunch on his way home. Sounds stupid but I feel like it is a big improvement over the last few days.

I will think about what boundaries I need to set and how long I think I can live with the way things are. But if don't stop begging and nagging I don't think it is going to work. He obviously doesn't like that and it is not very becoming.

2sunny: I appreciate your opinion. I agree he should cut contact with her I'd that's how I feel. Especially since he offered in the first place. But that is not the way I want to be thinking right now. I am trying to stay positive about things. If I told him to leave it would be over. That is certainly not what I want to happen. And the fact that he is still in this house and came home last night means that is not ready to give up on me either. It would have been very eaasy for him to just leave and not come back. But somewhere deep down he is not ready for that either.

[Minnie09]

I've been following this thread since the beginning, and I am shocked at how the OP's H is still getting away with his misbehavior and disrespect towards his W.

 

Confused, enough is enough! Confront him. Write a list, so you don't forget to address one single thing. Talk or write to him ONCE, and then let him come up with a decision AND a solution on how to continue your M. It's not your responsibility anymore to work on the M. It's been too one-sided all the way, now it's his turn to put some effort into cleaning up that mess. You can't do that for him by waiting it out. You're roommates now and he seems to be ok with the status quo. He's pleasant to be around, as long as you don't ask questions. But hell breaks loose if you do. So continue asking him questions. That should trigger at least some response, whether you like his words or not. You're his wife. You're entitled to know. Don't watch this chaos forever.

 

And yes, no doubt he's still seeing her. Stop that limbo now, as he's not going to change anything.

 

Confront him.

Wait for his response (but not forever).

Act.

[BellaBellaBella]

Confused, I worry about you. I feel your being "gaslighted". I am glad you feel there is progress. Did you ever look up the signs of cheating?

 

Okay, boundaries for today do not talk about the relationship. For today, hang out, clean if you feel the need to ask a question or something come on here on do it. I don't agree with the way your handling this, but it is your show.

 

Did you ever look up those emotional need questionaires on Marriage Builders? They were enlightening to me. My husband's needs are way different then mine, I was able to figure his out before he even filled it out.

 

I know you want to save your marriage, look up love busters and love bank.

 

To bad you have no private message feature. I have been through rough times as well.

 

Bella

[BellaBellaBella]

Confused, another thought I had is what about making an appointment for some individual counseling for yourself? How long have you been married?

 

Bella

[funnyluv]

Hi Confused,

 

I have been following your thread and, as others have pointed out, your h is totally turning things on you. Its no wonder you are confused.

 

It seems like you are internalizing it as if you caused all of this. You have not! You spoke up because of suspicion / worry over a female co-worker who your h was getting close to (texts, emails, lunches, secret conversations, conversations about you and your marriage!). It is perfectly acceptable and reasonable that you should be able to go to your h and bring this up.

 

I agreed with 2sunny- your husband is not treating you well right now. He is taking advantage of this situation and turning all of it around on you. You are hurting, confused, and probably emotionally sick because it hasn't been dealt with. You are a woman and you want to talk about it but he keeps putting it off. Then you say you don't want to bring it up because you are scared that it will push him away, which makes you continue to be uneasy and emotionally crazy.

 

All of this talk about "I'm not sure if I'm coming home" and "I might leave for the weekend." And you are supposed to just sit around and see if your husband comes home or not? NO! That is not right. Sorry to be blunt, but you are being a coward. You mentioned that you think he just wants space, which is perfectly acceptable. But there is a BIG difference between a spouse needing his/her spouse and them saying "I'm not sure if I'm coming home." You should really be angry about him trying to pull that on you.

 

You have to figure some things out for yourself. He is telling you that he needs to "think things over" and "see," but so do you. You said "It won't really ever work out if I don't let him decide that it is what he wants." You are his wife. You shouldn't have to wait for him to decide what he wants. Either he wants to stop confiding in this OW and talk to you about the problems or not.

 

Tell your husband that you want to talk about it and don't let him make you feel like you are a nag or you are crazy for bringing it up. Tell him that you do not like how things are. Tell him that you are emotionally hurting and that it is making you sick (and I'm sure it is). Tell him that you do not like him sleeping in the other room. Ask him poing blank what can be done to make things better? And don't settle for "I need to think about it." You deserve better than this.

[2sunny]

from what you have written Confused - you seem willing to sacrifice yourself and having a voice and a say in order to keep your marriage. this isn't healthy - for you or for the marriage.

 

being wimpy and submissive is not attractive on anyone.

 

the fact that your H was there is only an indicator that he had no other place to stay. he puts you and your needs way down on his list of priorities and you allow it. every time you allow him to come running home when he doesn't have an option to stay with the other woman - you are making yourself the doormat. open your eyes. the blinders will kill your spirit and strength.

 

he wasn't home because he chose it first.

 

it also looks like his behavior is that of an alcoholic or druggy... you may want to start checking into that one too. there behavior tends to end up looking like the behavior your husband is portraying. in that case alone - don't expect ANYTHING to make sense.

 

better to throw him out and make him figure out how to get himself out of this mess HE'S creating.

[2sunny]

Confused, I worry about you. I feel your being "gaslighted". I am glad you feel there is progress. Did you ever look up the signs of cheating?

 

Okay, boundaries for today do not talk about the relationship. For today, hang out, clean if you feel the need to ask a question or something come on here on do it. I don't agree with the way your handling this, but it is your show.

 

Did you ever look up those emotional need questionaires on Marriage Builders? They were enlightening to me. My husband's needs are way different then mine, I was able to figure his out before he even filled it out.

 

I know you want to save your marriage, look up love busters and love bank.

 

To bad you have no private message feature. I have been through rough times as well.

 

Bella

 

bella - she's already doing the "don't speak, don't upset the apple cart" come on - we see where that has gotten her = nowhere.

 

to continue on blindly doing NOTHING isn't proactive at all - it's weak and wimpy. she needs to be DOING something instead of nothing.

 

start changing everything. try anything. if one doesn't work - try another. but to continue doing the same thing over and over will only get her the same crappy results = her husband treating her like crap - and her standing there saying "give me more of the same" it's time to start talking. speak your truth - and say it as loudly as you wish - he deserves a good a$$ whipping!

[Confused98]

Confused, I worry about you. I feel your being "gaslighted". I am glad you feel there is progress. Did you ever look up the signs of cheating?

 

Okay, boundaries for today do not talk about the relationship. For today, hang out, clean if you feel the need to ask a question or something come on here on do it. I don't agree with the way your handling this, but it is your show.

 

Did you ever look up those emotional need questionaires on Marriage Builders? They were enlightening to me. My husband's needs are way different then mine, I was able to figure his out before he even filled it out.

 

I know you want to save your marriage, look up love busters and love bank.

 

To bad you have no private message feature. I have been through rough times as well.

 

Bella

 

Thanks Bella.

I'm not sure about the gas lighting. I read some about it. I could see how that could be happening but I don't feel like it is all my fault at all. In fact I am tempted to say it is all his fault which also isn't true. One thing I am trying to do is not blame. He hasn't blamed me either other than for snooping. I read somewhere that blaming will not get you anywhere when you are trying to resolve an issue. And truthfully in the long run we are both to blame for not meeting each others needs.

Cheating I'm not thinking so. I looked up the signs. I did this before I even came on here and was asking about it. I don't think he could be cheating. There would have to be more holes than what there is. If he is cheating than he could just stay the night at the womans house very night. It's not like she has a bf or husband or even a roommate. He's been sleeping at home. If he was cheating why would he even try to hide it at this point.

I did good today. We did good today. No relationship talk but spent the day together had light conversation. Watched some tv. He even worked out with me. Something I have been trying to get him to do since before we were married (which has been 2+ yrs by the way, lived together for about 6) I'm not sure where the thought to workout came from other than maybe he is trying to show me he can change? Since this is something I have been hinting that we should do together for a while you know to better our health. Plus I liked the idea of doing it with him which I had expressed to him many times over the years.

I did. I really liked the marriage builders. There were a lot of good things that helped me. I know that we were not meeting each others emotional needs and I hope it is something we can work on doing. I think our relationship could be even better than it ever has been if we can get past the little speed hump.

 

I have actually thought about individual counseling. But I'm not sure if it is something I would really be completely open to it or not.

 

And thank you bella for making me feel better about all of this. Even if you do not agree atleast you see that I want to try and save my marriage not throw out a cheating man. If he is cheating I guess jokes on me but I don't think that is the case here. I feel embarrassed to tell you some of the clingy things I have done and I am attempting to stop those right now.

 

I do appreciate others opinions as well. It is keeping my head screwed on to look for all the signs of what is going on. But right now I really want to see where this takes me. Being clingy didn't work. Talking about it when we were not ready to talk yet didn't work. Nothing else that I have tried has worked. Eventually yes we will need to sit down and discuss the things that we both would like to see happen or change or what we can do to make each other happier. But for right now we need to reconnect. And to do that if he need to get some space I am willing to give it to him. Once he is whole hearted in the effort that is the only way that we will be able to get back on track.

 

I know he is not on drugs. And alcoholic is not likely. I will be watching for signs of this though.

 

I am not willing to sacrifice myself. I made it very clear to him that I was hurt. He knows it. He's been hurt too though. I think we are both aware of the road ahead of us. It might be rocky but it might also make a bond stronger than it has been.

 

Look at me talking like I know he wants to try. I need to remember he has not committed to this yet. If he were going to make the decision to just give up and leave he would have made that one already is my logic I guess. I have read many instances of men and women getting back together after months and even years of separation. And some of them it was even better. Of course I'm sure for every instance of people getting back together there is probably ten that ended in divorce. But I won't think about that. I will stay positive.

[2sunny]

of course it was good- you two never addressed the problems. to insert head into sand is only delaying the inevitable.

 

do you want to work on getting the M healthy or do you intend to avoid conflict in order to keep things exactly the same as they've been?

 

if you two don't work on discussing things at length and changing everything - things will remain as they have been.

 

fights - he runs away - you beg and plead - he acts like a jerk - you take the disrespect - beg more - he avoids until you won't act mad - he comes home - you act cheery = nothing gets accomplished. rinse and repeat.

 

good luck with that solution.

 

nothing changes if nothing changes.

[funnyluv]

Its good to hear that you guys had a nice day together and I see that you are happy about working out together and doing something together that you haven't done in years.

 

But just keep in mind that you guys haven't resolved anything. You haven't talked about anything. It is still there and it won't go away until it is addressed and you both agree to a plan to fix it. You can tuck it under the rug with a nice day together, but it will keep rearing its ugly head.

[BellaBellaBella]

The fact he hasn't left is very postive. If you have been togather 8 years it is a long time to be togather. Sometimes you have to spring or fall clean the marriage. What I mean by gaslighting is him doing that to you.

 

I think it is very wise to back off. Smile make light and give everyone some time to calm down. I am not sure why you aren't willing to try IC.

I actually called my IC from 10 years ago about 3 weeks ago. She knows my weakness's and my truth's and she held me togather through a horrific time. I was able to talk about my relationship and my self esteem. We have had 3 sessions.

 

Perhaps what you need is to write out, what you need to get through all this. I think following the Marriage Builders principles is a good thing. I image if you start to relax some so will he. One rule I would make in accordance to marriage builders is no female friends.

 

When we were really fighting we ended up texting from different rooms, made it less emotional. Do Plan A from marriage builders.

 

Keep posting and read all the perspectives. I know people are frustrated with you. They do not believe he hasn't cheated. They feel like your being walked over.

 

It sounds like he did something to meet a need you have. What are his 1-3 emotional needs? What are yours? How are you meeting them?

 

I will be honest, the more desparate you get the faster he is going to leave. You did well today. Do you have plans for tomorrow?

[funnyluv]

I agree with Bella- no female friends right now. The texting emails, going to lunch, and the discussions he is having with another woman about your marriage will do nothing positive for the 2 of you. If he cares about working things out and getting to a better place, then he should be willing to focus his attention, energy, and time to the relationship. Hopefully he can understand that and agree to it, and hopefully you can muster up enough courage to ask him to do that for you.

[Confused98]

I would like him to give up the female friends also atleast temporarily. When he decides to work things out I will bring this up.

 

I am trying not to appear desperate. Even if I feel it sometimes. I felt very at ease today. Of course he still is sleeping in another room but baby steps right. We didn't sleep under the same roof at the begining of our relationship. This is in a way starting over so. We will have to slowly get back to what will be a good bond.

 

Also I fully plan on talking to him at length. He is still not ready. He may still be angry. I read somewhere that men take a lot longer to get over things than women. For me I am ready to move on to the next step. But I must beatient for him. I will not let this cycle repeat. I don't think that will be good at all.

 

I have actually written things down a lot. I started a journal yesterday. Just to kind of put my feelings and thoughts down. I feel like I'm 12 but I think it will be good. Then I can go back and read everything to make sure I cover everything. I may even try to compose some kind of letter to him. So that when we are ready he can see everything. We will see.

 

I am going to sit down tomorrow and look over the marriage builders worksheets again. I looked at them before but did not actually fill them our. Rather I thought about my answers. The I will have a good starting point for when he is ready to talk. I have an idea of my emotional needs but I should probably get it all out in writing.

 

About counseling. I'm just not sure it is the right thing for me. But I dunno that's why I say I have actually considered it. I never saw myself going to counseling. I have always been a very upbeat person. I hardly let anything get to me ever and even then not for long. But I can see the advantages that it might have. I will certainly consider it as I go on.

 

I knew you meant him gaslighting me. (not sure if I said that right but you get the point) and i am not throwing this one out. I will certainly be looking out for myself in all this. My wellbeing is #1 right. If I'm not happy there's no way I can truly make him happy atleast not long term.

 

No plans for tomorrow yet. I think I will be like I was today. And see where it goes. Maybe I will try to do something simple like ask him to go to a movie or take a walk like you suggested. If he declines I just go by myself and no big deal. At some point I will need to put my foot down and demand a decision but I think it is a little early for that still.

 

Thanks again everyone for responding.