Am I crazy?

[2sunny]

why is it that if YOU want to talk about something - you need to wait until he is ready?

 

IF i want to discuss something with someone - i do so immediately.

 

are you afraid that being yourself and speaking your truth when YOU want to speak it will push him away? what are you so afraid of? to try to please him constantly is futile. you have to do what is right for YOU - he can worry about himself. if he is angry or combative - that may point to his guilt.

 

your passive nature is showing your doormat tendencies.

 

i recommend you read co-dependent no more. it's a great book. you will learn better how to take care of you - which in turn makes for a healthy life and healthier relationships.

 

remember - YOU cannot make him happy. he has to do that part for himself.

[BellaBellaBella]

Seriously, he has had to tell you why he is angry. Why is he is so angry?

Is he punishing your by withholding affection? How old are you and DH?

 

Read Plan A on marriagebuilders. You can write a letter acknowledging your part in the state of the marriage and ask him to work on it. Seems odd that he would throw away an 8 year relationship because he snooped.

 

I know you don't want to but read how to survive an affair. Giving intimate details about your marriage to another woman can be an emotional affair. Has he always gone out to parties etc without you?

 

Confused really trying to help you.

 

I a totally half full kinda of gal. Counseling has made me more so. Counseling for me with my issues with my husband are about having a guide a neutral sounding board, I come out on my path and more confident. It is not weak or down beat to get Counseling. Being clingy and not dealing well is downbeat. Image, if you went to counseling and came out stronger and were able to talk to someone who you knew couldn't tell anyone else about these problems and wouldn't judge you?

That's what counseling is. Is it possible your spouse would see it as a postive toward working through things and perhaps join you.

 

You could simply say to him, I don't like how I have been acting through this whole thing and I am going to look into some counseling and what do you think? You could also not tell him.

 

I can honestly tell you, I had a friend who was so freaked out over her partner's desertion that she literally fell to the floor and held on to his leg while he left her. These things aren't attractive, and since you have put all the power in hands about space and relationship talk, it seems as if you need a third party to talk to. He has his OW and his male friend, who d you talk to? Seems like your the type who thinks silence is golden.

[Confused98]

To be honest I don't think he is talking to the ow about us. I think he has gone to another friend for advice which I told him I wasn't happy about. I think he may have stopped going to them. It seems as though right now he is trying to get alone time to think things through himself. Not sure but I imagine alone time for him is a good change. He deals with people all day at work. Now yes he has gone out with his friends some but I get the feeling it has been more for fun than telling them his problems.

No he has never gone places without me. Hardly ever. He always invites me. But he was clear to me that he needed space.

I think the snooping was just like the final straw or something. He was already unhappy. And then I made it worse by clinging to him. Even when he said he needed space I clung harder. And then when he said he was going to leave that made me upset and I clung harder. Then I realized it wasn't working did some research and found that I was maki things worse. So hence my new motto let him be until he is ready. I've pushed him way to hard and made things way worse than they were. He should have been more forgiving but I shouldn't hVe pushed so hard either. We will see what happens but right now I am going to leave him alone.

He had some errands to run today and ran out. He didn't really say when he would be back and I didn't ask. I'm going to get a few things done myself. I am going to try really hard to not call or text him.

I am considering conselingn for real. I think that your right it could help. I don't have anyone to talk to. Atleast not someone that I feel comfortable let them know I am have issues. Kinda why I came here.

He is or was angry because of the snooping. I don't know if he still is. I think he was not happy about when he said he needed space and I didn't give him any. I also tried to force him to talk to me and tell me what his feelings were at a bad time. It was shortly after an argument and I didn't give him time to cool off. And to be honest I was too angry to really try and talk about it. I should have waited till the next day or something. Anyway he might not be angry anymore but he is still thinking. He told me he needed space to think about whether he wanted to stay with me anymore or not. Not sure if he has made a decision.

Well he's not showing me affection but he's not showing me hardly anything. When we do talk it's small talk. Nothing meaningful. I wouldn't say he is punishing me though. I don't think he would show affection to me if he was wanting space to think. I know if I needed space I would want to be left alone.

 

Anyway I am just trying to take it a day at a time now.

[Confused98]

Oh yeah we are in our late twenties. He's a couple years older than me.

[BellaBellaBella]

Sounds like your right it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My husband has a huge need for a peaceful home. His nest away from the chaos of the world. Are you willing to share where his unhappiness came from in the relationship? Is it the length and it's more mundane?

 

I know you might not see this as a blessing, however it is. If your in a crisis now better then before having children.

 

Did you read Plan A. This is where you make your husband see what he would be losing if he left the marriage. Go and put your phone in a drawer and go out somewhere. Leave him alone.

 

I understand your frightened of losing someone you love. However, take some deep breaths. Go work out and get some stress out. Leave your cell home. Leave him a note. Perhaps, he wants some time with you having some separate interests.

 

Have you been talking about buying property or having children lately? Could this be causing him to think things through? Also approaching 30 is a biggie. If you were each other's first or he didn't date a lot, he may be regreting not sowing seeds.

 

Lots of things to think about. Why don't you commit to making a IC appointment tomorrow. It is truly a sign of hope and strenght to do it.

[Confused98]

I'm not sure exactly what it was he was unhappy about. I know that he was tired of be nagging him to do things. And he was unhappy with the way things were. He did tell me that he did not like my attitude and asked me if there was something wrong. I didn't believe there was really anything wrong at the time and I let it go. He was trying and I didn't want to believe there was a problem.

 

I do think he is maybe scared of growing up so to speak. We have not discussed children or made any life decisions other than his work. But I think he can see that he is growing up. He told me once long before we were married that he thought his favorite time in life was high school. I told him I thought mine so far had been college but that I was looking forward to the life I had ahead of me. He never expressed this sentiment really. I think we have somewhat differing views on life in that way. I wish he would talk to me about his feelings but he doesn't. Maybe that's why he likes hanging out with the ow so much. She's actually a little older than him. Plus she's not married and from what I understand has no intentions of getting married anytime soon. Plus I think she told me once that she had recently gotten out of a long term relationship.

 

And I don't think he is regretting marrying me. He dated plenty before I came around. A lot more than I did. But in the same instance I've always been so sure of myself and my path. I wasn't looking for someone to marry when I met him but it kinda just worked out that way. I actually was still dating my high school sweetheart at the time but that was quickly ending as I had gone away for college. I became friends with my h. We were friends for a while before we started dating.

 

I am going to get out of the house today and go shopping or something. And I am not going to call him. I will just stay calm and not worry about it.

[2sunny]

if he believes you nag him - communicate more effectively with him. state facts. state what EXACTLY you want or expect and when you expect it done. he should be kind enough to acknowledge your communication with him.

 

with my kids - instead of nagging - i say to them... honey, take the trash out within the hour, ok? and they acknowledge- ok Mom, i will be happy to! - and i say... thanks for the help honey, love you!

 

clear and concise expectations - no nagging... no making anyone feel badly. just clear communicating.

[Confused98]

Will try that 2sunny. I do have a tendency to continue to ask things. Eventually he will do them. I actually have already gotten better at this but with the other things that happened we have more to work on.

 

Plan A. Ok I'm not sure how I can do this without h. I mean I can do my part but shouldn't he also be doing something? And how can I involve him without talking about our relationship. I guess I will just try to fulfill his emotional needs as best I can for now. I have a feeling for what his are but I am not exactly sure. I will definitely want to try and get him to fill out the questionnaire or atleast read and discuss then with me.

[funnyluv]

"I guess I will just try to fulfill his emotional needs as best I can for now. I have a feeling for what his are but I am not exactly sure."

 

You are not going to be able to fulfill those emotional needs unless you know for sure what they are. That needs to be a basis for you right now. I wouldn't try to get him to fill out any questionnaires either. That might freak him out and possibly push him away. Just try to casually talk to him. Tell him you want to be a better wife and you want to know what it is he needs from you that you are not giving him. When I found out what my husband's top needs were I was totally surprised. I thought it was sexual fulfillment, dinner and domestic duties, and physical attractiveness. It was actually stimulating conversation, admiration / affection, and support of his dreams / goals.

 

My point is that you should try to find out what your husband's needs are. Maybe a lot of his anger / resentment is stemming from his needs not being met. You mentioned that he doesn't That's not to say your needs aren't important too. They most definitely are! But you have to start somewhere. It seems like you are willing to put the effort forward. If you can start to meet his needs, maybe things will come around and he will be able to meet yours. Its definitely worth a try.

[Confused98]

Yeah I will try and talk to him but in order to do that he has to be willing to talk. So far he is not ready to talk to me. For right now I just have to wait I guess.

 

When I came home from shopping he was home. He didn't really say much to me but he was in the middle of something. Oh well I am going to do my own thing for a while.

[2sunny]

Yeah I will try and talk to him but in order to do that he has to be willing to talk. So far he is not ready to talk to me. For right now I just have to wait I guess.

 

When I came home from shopping he was home. He didn't really say much to me but he was in the middle of something. Oh well I am going to do my own thing for a while.

 

again - THIS seems to be the crux of your problem... YOUR willingness to be SO passive that YOU don't bring up a sore subject. meanwhile sweeping it under the rug so it NEVER gets addressed.

 

start talking! who cares if HE doesn't want to. YOU TWO have many things to discuss... YOU are married for God's sake... start acting like it.

 

communication in ANY relationship is KEY - you two act like strangers living under the same roof.

 

take some ACTION - do something! otherwise you have no one to blame but yourself - for doing NOTHING when you should be doing something.

 

if he doesn't like it - HE can leave. but to act as if nothing is wrong and to wait is simple absurd.

[funnyluv]

Yes do your own thing is a good idea. Being clingy or pushing things when he doesn't want to talk (even though he should) might make things worse, but don't let him make you wait around too long for him to talk. I mean, what the heck is he waiting for? He might be turning things around on you because he is wrong and he knows it.

 

In the meantime, do things by yourself. Go to the gym and workout without him. Hang out with a friend. Take up a yoga class or something. Being clingy and desperate is just going to ruin your self esteem and make you feel even worse.

[BellaBellaBella]

With most men the number one need is admiration. Plan A is about looking good, smiling and being pleasant. Seems like in your posts, your husband loves to go out. So that would make recreational time high on his list.

 

My husband drives me crazy with not doing things I ask. I have now made a list and put it on the frig. This seems to be working well.

 

However, some of the things I have given his grief over are none of my business. I have let go of the things that are not, like moving his dead mother to the right grave. It is is damn mother and they put her in the grave with his mother. If he wants it corrected he can do it. It is none of my business. He can also get her a head stone. Not my business.

Me, I would have been on like white on rice.

[Confused98]

Well I guess I messed up.

Went to bed in separate rooms as usual. Since I was feeling that we had 2 good days I decided maybe I could talk to him even if just briefly. It didn't work out. He said he was still angry and he didn't want to be pushed into talking. He said I was trying to do it on my time table. I replied that I was trying to wait to do it on his but that I needed to get feel for what I was facing. Needless say he left. Now I don't know what to do.

While we were talking I thought to myself several times get up and leave. But I kept talking I don't think it was more than ten minutes but he didn't want to hear it.

[BellaBellaBella]

Ahhhh I am sorry! I do think he is trying to punish you.

 

You have to stop this! Make a commitment to call for counseling tomorrow.

 

I truly am sad you didn't stick with the plan to come on here and talk.

 

Yes, of course your trying to get him to talk to see what you face. Your scared to death of losing him. Why is he angry?

[BellaBellaBella]

Why don't you pack a bag and leave for the night? Text him and tell him you have left for the night and he can come home. Then calm down, stop worrying about this. You need to fight for your relationship, in a calm manner.

[2sunny]

Well I guess I messed up.

Went to bed in separate rooms as usual. Since I was feeling that we had 2 good days I decided maybe I could talk to him even if just briefly. It didn't work out. He said he was still angry and he didn't want to be pushed into talking. He said I was trying to do it on my time table. I replied that I was trying to wait to do it on his but that I needed to get feel for what I was facing. Needless say he left. Now I don't know what to do.

While we were talking I thought to myself several times get up and leave. But I kept talking I don't think it was more than ten minutes but he didn't want to hear it.

 

is he always this controlling?

 

YOU should be mad! why is he thinking he should be mad? that's backwards.

 

i'd leave too... and i wouldn't come back anytime soon. any man that won't talk things through as soon as they are driving a wedge between us isn't worth fighting for.

 

and he uses the communication like a punishment... that is totally unhealthy. in order to clear up misunderstandings people have to communicate effectively.

 

does he think this is supposed to happen by magic?

 

leave and go to a safe place for a while to clear your head. seek counseling in order to learn effective communication skills, healthy boundaries for yourself and what a loving, healthy marriage COULD look like.

 

tell him you need time away to clear your head and to get priorities straightened out because this is NOT working for you.

 

a spouse should not feel AFRAID to talk to the other spouse. that's not loving behavior. why has he made it that way for you - and why have you found that acceptable?

[finder]

I just sat here and read every single post on this thread. It really sucked me in. I'm a week shy of 20 years old. Obviously I've never been married. I don't have any life experience that gives me a specific right to comment on your situation.

 

I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry. If I were you, I'd be going crazy. How do you stand that kind of uncertainty?

 

Also, I wanted to let you know that it might be worth your time to go back and take all the time that I just took to read everything said here all the way from the begining. It won't change anything. But since you have it all chronicled right here... I just think it might give you a fresh outlook on how this situation has evolved. I just feel like the birds eye view, so to speak, might give you a new perspective help you make whatever decisions you need to make.

 

Mostly I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you and that I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this. Good luck with everything and be well.

[Confused98]

About me leaving: For one he wouldn't come back anyway. He would probably think it was a trick. I also can't just leave we have dogs.

 

I think he must be wanting to just give everything up.

 

I don't know what to do. I am completely lost now.

 

I am pretty sure he won't be coming home tonight either.

[Confused98]

Finder. I'm impressed that you read all that it's really long. You're right I should commit myself to rereading it all.

I'm not sure how I can stand it. I guess that's why I did what I did last night. Only what I did last night is exactly what is driving him away right now.

I'm just so ready to commit to fixing things that I forgot that I need to win him back so to speak first.

[BellaBellaBella]

Confused,

 

Did he come home last night? What can you do to help yourself today?

 

What boundary can you make to get through the day? Perhaps not calling him. Is there someone you can make plans with for this evening?

I know you went to dinner with a friend before.

 

Will you call some individual counselors?

[BellaBellaBella]

Okay, did he text or call you about not coming home? What happened the rest of the night. Do not call him today. Why not email him and apolgize for coming in and telling him simply this is tearing you apart, be honest and say its because you love him so much. Tell him your making plans for individual counseling. Tell him you will not talk ask to talk about the relationship for 1 week. He can email you if he wants to talk to you about it prior. At the one week mark he can renew the no relationship remark.

Ask him to come home, until he makes a final decision.

 

However, he maybe believe that you will stick to it based on your behavior. Something you said struck me in that he has a high pressure job, and now your pressuring him at home. My husband pushed me away alot during a really intense period of work. Home for mine needs to a place of renewal.

 

No I do not think he should treat you this way.

[funnyluv]

'Well I guess I messed up."

 

You messed up by trying to talk with your husband? You guys are barely talking and sleeping in separate rooms for goodness sake! Somebody needs to talk. Sounds like you are the only one willing to make that effort and he gets mad @ you for it. This is sooooo backwards.

 

Why is he so angry???? You have done nothing that terrible to make him be like this. You questioned him about a close female relationship and did some snooping. Okay. I can see how someone can get mad or annoyed by that, but his behavior seems over the top for that? All of this leaving and not coming home business seems like there is more to it. I wonder if he is just trying to find ways to leave the house? I had an ex who used to turn things around on me and found any way he could to storm out of the house (and go do whatever it was that he was doing or just to escape the resonsibility of a relationship and housefhold). I internalized everything as being my fault (like you are saying "I messed up") and my self esteem and self worth was as low as can be. I was confused like you are and an emotional mess. After so many times of this I eventually took him up on his threats and told him to leave! And you know what happened? His whole demeanor changed and he was the one who was crawling up my ass and trying to apologize. When I took a step back to really look at how he was treating me my eyes opened up and I saw it for what it was worth. It was a form of control and psychological abuse.

 

I'm not saying your situation is exactly like mine, but I do have a feeling that there is more there. It just doesn't make sense that he is always getting mad at you for wanting to talk and leaving the house and telling you he's not sure if he will be home. Is this how he has always been?

 

Please stop thinking and telling yourself that you messed up. You haven't. I just don't see how someone (your husband) can get so angry with you for wanting to talk about the marriage, when it is clear that there are problems.

[Confused98]

When he left it was apparent he was not coming home. I'm not sure he's coming home tonight. I already texted him a few times to tell him how hurt I am. And my reasoning for what I did. I am trying to "make a deal" now if he will consider. Deal will be like Bella said. I will leave him alone for 1 week. After a week I will aproach him and if he needs more time than we will set a new deadline. I wish I had thought to do this before. I can deal with it much better if I have a dealing in mind. Even if that deadline is extended. I will atleast know ahead of time without having to play a guessing game. I also am looking into counseling and I will bring that up to him as well. But meanwhile I will ask him to stay at the house. For my sake. Even of he is in a different room I feel better(safer) with him at home. That is the deal I guess.

I haven't gotten to ask yet. We will see how he reacts. I am afraid he has completely given up now. I must get back to work but I will get on after work.

[funnyluv]

Hey Confused-

 

Where exactly is he staying when he doesn't come home?