Am I crazy?

[Confused98]

If at all possible, see if you can focus on listening and learning from him. Less about you and your hurt & needs in this conversation, more about what's going on in his head & heart.

 

Good luck, Confused. (((hugs)))

 

Thanks sunshine.

Active listening.

Got it.

 

Will read some on that before he gets home. Luckily I have a little time.

[2sunny]

So he called. I answered.

H- what are you up to?

Me- sitting in traffic trying to make it home. Are you still working?

H- yeah probably for another hour

Silence probably a lot shorter than it felt

Me- well do you want to get some dinner when you are done?

H- well I already have dinner plans but I am going to come home after and we can talk.

Me- okay see you then

H- ok bye

 

This isn't word for word but you get the point. While thing was less than a minute.

 

I am trying to not get excited or stressed over it. I am going to continue the night as I would have if he weren't coming home. I plan to stay calm during the talk no matter what. I can't change what he is going to say whether it is good or bad. Any advice?

 

go into the conversation with the need to say nothing. let him talk - only be a good listener.

 

if he asks any questions answer with a simple yes or no... OR - let me get back to you on that - or - thanks for telling me.

 

listen to exactly the words he's saying... and watch his body language while you're at it.

[funnyluv]

Confused- remember to stay calm. You don't know what he wants to talk about. It could be good, bad, or neutral. Let us know what happens.

[Confused98]

I just thought of something. What if he is saying he is ready to talk meaning I've been wanting to talk and asking. If this is the case I need to be prepared to initiate the conversation.

 

So here's what I know...

Active listening

No blaming

No arguing yelling or screaming

I will try not to cry, although it will be hard.

Look at the future you can't change the past

[sunshinegirl]

I just thought of something. What if he is saying he is ready to talk meaning I've been wanting to talk and asking. If this is the case I need to be prepared to initiate the conversation.

 

So here's what I know...

Active listening

No blaming

No arguing yelling or screaming

I will try not to cry, although it will be hard.

Look at the future you can't change the past

 

No no no, don't initiate the conversation. I think you've been initiating so much contact and "we need to work this out" that that has become part of the problem. Sit back. Be comfortable with silence - don't fill it with your words. Make him use his words.

 

Once he does, sure, ask questions and do some good listening, but honestly, stop taking the reins and directing conversation... and let/make him pony up to the table to talk.

 

Does that make sense?

[Confused98]

No no no, don't initiate the conversation. I think you've been initiating so much contact and "we need to work this out" that that has become part of the problem. Sit back. Be comfortable with silence - don't fill it with your words. Make him use his words.

 

Once he does, sure, ask questions and do some good listening, but honestly, stop taking the reins and directing conversation... and let/make him pony up to the table to talk.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Yep. I just hope he does initiate the conversation. But I think I can do that. I will just shut up. It's not my place to talk. I've done plenty of talking. I think he knows how I feel. But I don't know how he feels.

[BellaBellaBella]

Very good advice! Remember the ball is in his court.

[2sunny]

HE called and asked to talk... so let HIM talk.

 

just listen...

[Confused98]

He's still not home yet. I'm getting antsy. I need to stay calm. Calm.

[BellaBellaBella]

can you do something physical??? How about an exercise dvd.

 

Burn off energy?

 

bella

[Confused98]

Did that already. I'm just trying to relax now.

[funnyluv]

Try to remain calm. Like you said earlier, just go about your evening as best as you can.

[Confused98]

Now I am really confused. He just texted me.

He said he's not coming home and he will see me tomorrow.

I don't know if he second guessed himself. Should I ask I just and so confused.

[funnyluv]

I wouldn't ask or respond. He told you he was coming over and now he said he's not. You said he had other dinner plans. I wonder with who. Just keep with the original plan. Don't beg or come across as desperate.

[BellaBellaBella]

Ask nothing!

[BellaBellaBella]

Actually, I would suggest that you turn off your cell phone and go to bed if you can! Take a shower, go no contact. If he shows up to check on you, just say, I got your message. Nothing to say, balls in your court!

[Confused98]

I responded simply thank you for letting me know I was beginning to worry something had happened to you. He knows I worry sometimes so this shouldn't come as a shock.

 

I don't know what happened if he changed his mind if it got too late. It doesn't completely make sense. Oh well I had no expectations so I need to not worry about it. Now I will just go to sleep early.

[funnyluv]

I responded simply thank you for letting me know I was beginning to worry something had happened to you. He knows I worry sometimes so this shouldn't come as a shock.

 

You shouldn't have thanked him for anything. He told you he was coming over to talk and then he waits until 9:00 to tell you he's not coming. Again, I wonder who he had dinner plans with and if that was the reason for the change of plans.

[Confused98]

No idea. Not really concerned with who it was. I wasn't expecting to talk to him tonight at all. I figure he had too much to drink. I would rather him not come home if that is the case.

[sunshinegirl]

You shouldn't have thanked him for anything. He told you he was coming over to talk and then he waits until 9:00 to tell you he's not coming. Again, I wonder who he had dinner plans with and if that was the reason for the change of plans.

 

Not cool of him. Not at all.

 

Agree with the above: stop thanking him when he's been completely insensitive and rude to you! Here he is, stringing you along with "I'm not ready to talk" then he builds you up for him to break his silence, only to cancel, late, via text message. As much as he needs to be heard, understood, listened to, etc, that does not excuse blatant bad behavior.

 

I don't mean you should start being rude back to him, but I would suggest that you at least stop bending over and saying "thank you sir, may I have another?"

 

Have a good night...

[2sunny]

you thanked him? what the hell?

 

you tell him he's not a man of his word. a man that doesn't honor his word is nothing. and that's what it looks like he's giving you = nothing - and you are thanking him? GET A BOUNDARY GIRL!

 

tell him to go away.

 

does he have a drinking problem - because i see a pattern - a pattern that you enable. start acting like this is NOT OK with you. he's blown you off and disrespected you on so many occasions because he wanted to go drinking... that is not ok.

 

why do you make it ok for him to do that to you? read the book co-dependent no more!!!!!!!!! i've said it before - read it before you even speak to him again.

[funnyluv]

Confused- Just curious if there has ever been incidents of any cheating in the past? Or have you been suspicious of other female friendships/coworkers?

[Confused98]

First off let me explain.

I said thank you because he actually told me. I worry when i don't hear from him. If I hadn't said anything don't you think he would have thought I was angry. Then that would not have been good.

 

I want him to come home and work things out I don't want to push him away more.

 

I'm not happy about the situation and I am definately going to ask him what his reason was. But I'm not going to do it over text. That might be what he was testing to see if it would make me cling to him. When he has left another time I have driven to the friends house and demanded he come home. I am doing the 180 of what I did before. What did not work.

 

He has never once cheated before nor have I suspected of him cheating before. In fact I would say he didn't have a whole lot of girl friends. I remember one time we went out to dinner when we first started hanging out with his friend and it just happened that no other men were there. He made a comment about needing another male there because it was too much for him. Thus was a strange situation but still. He's kinda a manly man.

[Confused98]

He emailed me again. Asked how I was doing. It's like because I am not clinging and calling him but he still needs to know how I am.

[funnyluv]

First off let me explain.

I said thank you because he actually told me. I worry when i don't hear from him. If I hadn't said anything don't you think he would have thought I was angry. Then that would not have been good.

 

I don't think he would have thought that you were angry if you hadn't said thank you, but then again why do you care so much about that? He's the one who left the house. He is the one who is sleeping elsewhere. And he is the one who stood you up when he told you he was coming by to talk.

 

As far as his email this morning. Just tell him you are doing the best you can. Obviously you are unhappy and your heart is broken. Doesn't he realize that? Is he coming over today to finally talk to you?