Am I crazy?

[luvstarved]

He is confused, too, it seems. Which is fair enough but does not change anything wrt my opinion...I think Bella(3) is right, he is gauging the clingy level. And I think it is fine to want to work this out and stay receptive to him but not to sit around just waiting for him to whimsically flit in and out while you sit home waiting for him to throw you a bone.

 

And he is also probably getting an earful from people who most likely are not focusing on what is best for you or him, either, but rather projecting their own experiences onto the situation and advising him accordingly...telling him he's being smothered, feeding into any doubts he might have, blah blah blah. Just like you will get from some people on loveshack.

 

Nobody can tell either of you what you want. Nobody can tell either of you what the other person is thinking or wants. Only you two can tell each other.

 

All anyone here can do is take what you report and give opinions. I have given my opinion that based on what you have said, your husband does feel smothered at some level and wondering what he wants, and that any "clingy" behavior is going to push him away. I have also given the opinion that there is insufficient info from what you have said to determine whether he is romantically interested in someone else or whether someone is romantically interested in him.

 

But, you're living it and have to decide what rings true. I think that it is in your best interest to demonstrate that you can live without him while hoping you don't have to. I think that it is in your best interest to be open to repair but prepared for the broken thing to be thrown away. I think that it is in your best interest to NOT be available every time he calls or comes over, to tell him - I am going to be at lunch with a friend, going to a museum, taking a class, taking a walk, whatever, at times. I think that your constant availability makes it easier for him to drag it out and indulgently soul search at his leisure. NOTE: I DO think that he is being unfair to come and go as he pleases BUT insisting he s**t or get off the pot is more likely to bring about a conclusion you don't want than just to say, well,I love you but I'm not going to sit around while you find yourself - I'll be finding myself too.

 

My opinion is that your best option for repairing this marriage is for him to genuinely feel the risk of losing the marriage too. Making demands or taking whatever crumbs he might throw you won't accomplish this.

 

I really feel that you need to make your own plans and do your own thing more. I know you are anxious about this and it will feel fake and forced until you have a better idea of where you stand. However, I do believe the more you do it, the more you will like it - and might even get to a point of wondering whether he is what YOU want. (I mean, I understand not wanting to be with someone clingy, but I also understand not wanting to be with someone of fluctuating commitment, and believe it or not, you could come to be sick of it). The less available you seem to him, and the higher the risk of losing your interest, the sooner he will come around to a decision.

 

I agree with Bella(3) also that you could use professional help with this, not with MC but with IC. To help you to be more emotionally independent in general and happier with yourself, less insecure, etc...this will help you no matter what happens with your M. And even if M goes into repair, is something you need to continue to work on to help avoid this in the future (I am NOT saying it is all your fault, but you can only work your side of the street, not his).

 

It does not seem to me that this is hopeless but that he is currently somewhat taking advantage of your tolerance to take his sweet time and do what he wants. I don't think you should just "take this" but should not address it with demands or pleas, but rather taking the opportunity to do what you want, too, sending the message that you are open for now, but can't make any more promises than he can for the future...

[BellaBellaBella]

I truly think Luv straved is correct. Make a plan to reach out to a person tonight for dinner plans. You have to start living your life like he isn't in it.

Do this inspite of his flitting in and out. He wants a more independent life.

Show him that you aren't waiting for him any longer. Make plans for most evening this week. Sign up for an exercise class outside the house. Make dinner plans. Go to the movies. If he asks to talk, say I have something then DO NOG DROP the plans do them, then be available.

 

I now understand why you believe he isn't having an affair. However, the onlinger you let this drag on it could occur. Get an IC who does MC as well.

 

We are all rooting for you

 

Bella

[luvstarved]

I agree again, Bella(3)!

 

I keep writing because I really feel that there is a good chance for fixing this...and really do feel that OP's fundamental issue is with being too available and allowing herself to be taken for granted and being too emotionally dependent. I am also very sensitive to knee-jerk advice that projects personal experience and comes to black and white conclusions: kick him to the curb, he's having an affair, don't take this crap - demand this, demand that...

 

Of course, I am bringing my personal experience into my opinions as well but only to an extent. And I have seen OVER and OVER this type of situation, in others as well as my own relationships. And some things are clear here.

 

Primarily, the clinginess and his apparent belief that he has her in his pocket. As long as he believes this, he will drag his feet and weigh his options freely. As long as it is TRUE, there is no reason for him not to.

 

But what I want to say now to OP is this. Yes, it is true that if you force yourself to, say, go to a movie, you will probably sit there barely paying attention and wondering, is he trying to call? What if he decides that he wants to come home, then I'm not there, and then because I'm not there he changes his mind? What if he came home and I wasn't there and he thinks I no longer care about him? THIS IS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY. MUCH MORE LIKELY HE WILL REALIZE YOU ARE NOT A SURE THING.

 

Further, so you are at the movie and think, this is a waste of time, this is not what I care about, I can't get into this movie while my marriage is in danger. This is a sham. It might be a sham today, and tomorrow and the next day. But, I have been there, I know others who have been there, and my experience is that without fail, eventually, you find yourself starting to pay attention to the movie. For a few minutes, you forget your H. You enjoy that feeling. Then you feel guilty for having it, back and forth...ultimately you start to see the world as a big thing, way bigger than your H's opinion, and start finding that big world interesting in its own right. That's when the tide starts to turn for you...

 

I keep writing because I believe that this can happen for you. I believe that when it does, the outcome of your marriage can then genuinely be what is best for you. You might work it out with him, you might come to believe that his wishy-washiness has been unfair, you might come to believe that you're really just not compatible, you might both grow and learn and realize that marriage is about mutual care and sacrifice - and not about having your ego serviced and move forward together both as better stronger people.

 

Bottom line is that I believe that the outcome of the M will be natural fallout of OP working on herself, and basically will therefore "take care of itself". Yes, he might leave no matter what, but working on herself will better prepare her to handle that. Yes, she might eventually decide she does not even want the M on these terms, but that will be genuine.

 

I feel that the M has a good chance though based on a few things...one is that initially he seemed very willing to accomodate her discomfort with the friend, two is thinking that he is probably getting bum "you don't need to take this" advice from other people and might be partially trying to please others with his staying away and/or wondering if they are right (meaning, he might be confused vs truly emotionally detached), three is OP's recognition of her part in it and earnestly trying to do the best thing. I am not sensing a lot of overt emotional abuse and blaming and selfishness vibes...and that's good news...

 

I also agree that a counselor versed in MC is a good idea (for that matter, I think IC for H is a good idea but would not say so at this point) but don't think MC is the right approach at the moment...think independent clarity should be the focus in short term...

 

We ARE all rooting for you, I think...I know I am.

[Confused98]

Thanks so much guys

 

I have been planning things to do without him already. But the whole idea bothers me. We have always spent a ton of time together. What changed.

 

I want to tell him that he is going to lose me but I'm afraid that would make him say ok bye.

 

He won't talk to me hardly. If he wanted space and have separate lives why couldn't he bring it up before things got out of hand.

 

There are so many thing that I think we can do better but he doesn't want to hear them.

 

I feel like if we could work out what's going on with us then I would be able to work on myself easier. I know this is exact opposite of what you guys are saying but seems like that would work better for me.

 

I am trying to stay positive but it is getting harder.

 

I also don't want to have a totally separate life from him.

 

I really appreciate everyones help. I think you have given me good advice

 

By the way he came home late last night agian and didn't come and talk to me or say goodnight or anything. Even though he knew I was up bc the light was still on. Then this morning he told me he has a very busy work week an will most likely have to go out to dinner afterward for work. He didn't say if he was staying at the house or not but I don't think he packed a bag.

[2sunny]

stop letting him drag you through his $hit!

 

tell him to stay away until a decision is made (a solid, firm decision) that allows you to understand clearly - he is in the M or he's out.

 

for him to keep waffling back and forth - and for you to continue waiting while he takes you on this wild ride is ridiculous.

 

tell him you are getting busy living - and to stay away.

 

h has NO RIGHT to do this to another person. YOU are allowing him to do this to you.

 

IF he thinks you have a boundary - he may respect you... right now, not so much.

 

getting busy living. tell him to stay away. make him think you are perfectly happy without him. when he makes his decision - YOU can then decide what seems best for YOU.

 

any man who treats a wife this way is cruel. YOU are allowing him to be cruel to you, why? and PLEEEEAAASE don't say it's because you love him! you must first love yourself - in order to love him... looks like he may not love you because you MAY not love yourself enough first.

 

if you aren't going to love you - why should HE?

[fit]

We teach people how to treat us. Your pretty much teaching him to p*** all over you and hes doing it with no remorse. You need to prepare for a life without him and then, and only then, will you possibly have a life WITH him. people always want what they cant have...if he has any feelings for you he will come back after you get rid of him. If he doesnt then thats the way it was meant to be. You are actually making the situation worse by letting him walk all over you. Preserve your dignity.

[BellaBellaBella]

I understand that you don't want to live without him. However, you have a choice to sit here living life waiting for every little move he makes. Which is annoying the hell out of him or ignoring him. I think you need to ignore him. Work on yourself and your own life. Live each day to the fullest. He isn't acting like a married person now. You need to start living.

 

Nothing you do or say can impact this right now, only your actions can. What do you think he is going to say, when he sees your not waiting at home. Do you think he is going to wonder? He isn't accounting to you now, your not accountable to him.

 

I know you don't want to but get a counselor now.

[funnyluv]

How are things going with your situation? Have the two of you been able to talk at all? I think you've gotten some great advice here. I can tell that it is difficult and rather strange for you to do things on your own, but I think it would be a positive for your marriage. You can give your husband the space that he seems to be so desperately wanting, and at the same time you can take some time for yourself and not just wait for him to come around. I hope things work out. Keep us updated if you need somewhere to vent.

[Confused98]

Thanks.

 

I have gotten good advice. I am attempting to get out there and out of the house. He did not come home at all last night and I was pretty upset by that. I need to stop letting that get to me. Right now he doesn't want to be told what to do. And if I push him it will only be worse. I'm trying to ignore him but it has been hard. I very badly want to ask him out to dinner tonight but I know that I shouldn't.

 

I have to wait for him to be ready. As bad as that hurts. I just hope he knows how hurt I am and that I need some repair.

[2sunny]

yep, go back and re-read my post #255...

[luvstarved]

Well. I do think that something needs to be said about this loosey-goosey living arrangement.

 

OP, what are the options? Can he go be somewhere else full time for now? Could you if need be?

 

My opinion has not changed about you taking care of yourself, and avoiding ultimatums with him at this point.

 

BUT - this is not a fair way to go about it. It is not fair for him to come and go when he pleases, to spend time with you when he pleases, and ignore you when he pleases.

 

If he is in some sort of identity crisis, then he needs to go have it without dangling it in your face at his discretion. Enough is enough.

 

I think you need to tell him to either stay at home like a husband, or go enjoy his confusion somewhere else. If I were you, I would tell him that his unpredictable presence in your home is upsetting and confusing to you and that you can't conduct your life in this atmosphere. That if he wants to go figure himself out, go figure himself out, and that he can try to come back later and maybe you will be open to that, and maybe you won't. That that is the risk he will have to take, but that you cannot deal with this chaos and need him to be one place or another, but that if he wants to be at home, you don't want him there unless and until he is prepared to commit to working on your marriage.

 

That's not pushing him away with clinginess. That's just a simple request for respect, which you are 100% entitled to.

[Confused98]

He has been staying at a friends house, I assume. I don't think it would be considered a full time solution but I could be wrong there.

 

He had said he was going to get an apt last week when everything hit the fan. That was when I very calmy told him we could not afford an apt and that he could stay in a room in the house and I would not disturb him. He never gave me an answer. Last week you may recall he didn't come home at all after I told him this. Then he spent friday- tuesday at home. He was in and out most of that time except the time I said we spent together which was most of Sunday. He hasn't spoken to me since Monday morning except for an email about the checking account(I handle finances).

 

In our situation I don't know what to do. When I told him we could afford an apt I told him he could put the house up for sale if he felt we needed to live apart long term. Well to my knowledge he hasn't gotten an apt.

 

Luvstarved, I think what you said is a good idea. Sit him down or maybe even send an email and say:

I can't handle the unpredictablility. If you would like to stay here that is fine with me I will leave you alone if that is your wish. We can work out schedules of who gets to use the common rooms if you do not want me being around you. I just want you to be upfront with me about your feelings. I have no idea what is in your head right now and have been very confused by your actions.

When and if you are ready to commit to working on our marriage you can come to me and we can discuss it further. Then we can figure out where we will go from here. Right now I still want to work things out but I know that you are not in the same mindset I can't can't force you to be. If you come to the conclusion that we are better off apart we will put the house up for sale and continue to live our sperate lives under the same roof until we can sell. But I am not going to wait around for forever I am extremely hurt already and i don't know how much more I can take. I still love you with all my heart.

 

 

That was probably too long and repetitive but I can slim it down some.

[2sunny]

He has been staying at a friends house, I assume. I don't think it would be considered a full time solution but I could be wrong there.

 

He had said he was going to get an apt last week when everything hit the fan. That was when I very calmy told him we could not afford an apt and that he could stay in a room in the house and I would not disturb him. He never gave me an answer. Last week you may recall he didn't come home at all after I told him this. Then he spent friday- tuesday at home. He was in and out most of that time except the time I said we spent together which was most of Sunday. He hasn't spoken to me since Monday morning except for an email about the checking account(I handle finances).

 

In our situation I don't know what to do. When I told him we could afford an apt I told him he could put the house up for sale if he felt we needed to live apart long term. Well to my knowledge he hasn't gotten an apt.

 

Luvstarved, I think what you said is a good idea. Sit him down or maybe even send an email and say:

I can't handle the unpredictablility. If you would like to stay here that is fine with me I will leave you alone if that is your wish. We can work out schedules of who gets to use the common rooms if you do not want me being around you. I just want you to be upfront with me about your feelings. I have no idea what is in your head right now and have been very confused by your actions.

When and if you are ready to commit to working on our marriage you can come to me and we can discuss it further. Then we can figure out where we will go from here. Right now I still want to work things out but I know that you are not in the same mindset I can't can't force you to be. If you come to the conclusion that we are better off apart we will put the house up for sale and continue to live our sperate lives under the same roof until we can sell. But I am not going to wait around for forever I am extremely hurt already and i don't know how much more I can take. I still love you with all my heart.

 

 

That was probably too long and repetitive but I can slim it down some.

 

why are you being so nice to a man that's treating you like dirt?

 

he doesn't want to stay with you - don't you get that? how many ways must he show you?

 

stop begging him. he's willing to sleep on random people's couches - that ought to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you.

 

start focusing on YOU - and being happy without him.

 

yes, sell the house. that way he can sleep in his own place and you can build a new life of your own as well.

 

the sooner you get to the reality of what's happening here - the sooner you start healing.

 

and FYI - HE doesn't want to talk about his FEELINGS... you keep pushing that and HE keeps running away. stop with the feelings - just get on living.

[funnyluv]

Confused,

 

You've been getting a lot of advice here but I see that you are determined to work things out in your own way and at your own pace. That is understandable because only you truly know what is going on inside of your own marriage. I would just caution you to keep your eyes wide open and pay close attention to what is going on around you. Do not try to look at your situation with rose colored glasses. Be prepared for whatever may happen. Your husband may just need space or maybe he is just going through a phase and will eventually come to you and talk. BUT...what if he doesn't? What if he has somewhat left the marriage? From the outside looking in, it seems as though he is already checked out mentally (being distant, cold, and not talking to you) and physically too (staying elsewhere and coming and going as he pleases). He went as far as mentioning getting an apt. This is your husband. He should not be saying things like that. So my point to you is please keep your mind open to the possibilities here. What if your husband does not want to work on the marriage and what if he decides to get his own place? Then what would you do?

 

I think that your email example above is a good idea. At this point, what is there to lose? If you put your effort into making the marriage work and trying to resolve things, then at least you can say that you tried your all. Just be sure that you emphasize that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WAIT AROUND FOREVER because right now that is what you are doing- waiting on him. And you shouldn't be. You definitely need to get out of the house and do some things on your own. A dinner, movie with a friend, whatever. Just don't sit at home waiting for him. You may think that you are being a good wife by waiting on him, but I am pretty sure that doing that is not going to make your husband come to his senses any sooner. If anything, waiting around at home is just going to make him take you for granted more than he is now.

 

You mentioned that you assume that he has been staying at a friend's house. Have the 2 of you discussed it at all? I mean when he comes home the next morning or whenever he comes back in the house, have you asked where he's been? Or are you not questioning him at all at this point?

[Confused98]

He has told me a few times where he was staying other times he hasn't. Tonight he came home got a handful of clothes and left again. I wasn't paying much attention and asked where he was going he said he's going to the friends that he had ran out of clothes. I kinda shrugged and was like ok. Inside I wanted to tell him to stay but that would be dumb.

 

I think he maybe has mentally checked out but that doesn't explain the coming back this weekend. I guess he was testing the waters. I think bella said that before.

 

Like I said I am confused. Confused by his actions. If he really was going to completely check out I think he would have gotten an apt. Despite what I said to him.

 

Maybe I will call him and just ask him point blank what's going on. Just say I need an update on the situation.

[BellaBellaBella]

I liked your letter, but I think you need to put some of what luv straved as said in it. He is totally disrespecting you.

 

I think you need to tell him to either stay at home like a husband, or go enjoy his confusion somewhere else. If I were you, I would tell him that his unpredictable presence in your home is upsetting and confusing to you and that you can't conduct your life in this atmosphere. That if he wants to go figure himself out, go figure himself out, and that he can try to come back later and maybe you will be open to that, and maybe you won't. That that is the risk he will have to take, but that you cannot deal with this chaos and need him to be one place or another, but that if he wants to be at home, you don't want him there unless and until he is prepared to commit to working on your marriage.

 

That's not pushing him away with clinginess. That's just a simple request for respect, which you are 100% entitled to.

[2sunny]

He has told me a few times where he was staying other times he hasn't. Tonight he came home got a handful of clothes and left again. I wasn't paying much attention and asked where he was going he said he's going to the friends that he had ran out of clothes. I kinda shrugged and was like ok. Inside I wanted to tell him to stay but that would be dumb.

 

I think he maybe has mentally checked out but that doesn't explain the coming back this weekend. I guess he was testing the waters. I think bella said that before.

 

Like I said I am confused. Confused by his actions. If he really was going to completely check out I think he would have gotten an apt. Despite what I said to him.

 

Maybe I will call him and just ask him point blank what's going on. Just say I need an update on the situation.

 

why not consider getting a boundary that shows him that you won't allow him to treat you as his doormat anymore (or the gal who basically stores his clean clothes).

 

change the locks. THAT ought to send a message that he can't walk all over you with you begging for more.

 

tell him not to come by. set all his things by the front door and tell him to pick them up when you're not there.

 

that ought to tell him what he needs to know.

 

his actions are not telling you he wants to engage with you at all. so act as if you understand that and move forward. he needs to tell you nothing - his actions have already told you time and time again - he doesn't intend to be with you if he doesn't have to. listen to what he has shown you to be his truth - his actions speak the words he won't say. he's a coward.

[funnyluv]

I agree with what others have said. When you email him or speak to him directly, you have to set a boundary. This come and go business has to stop. He is absolutely disrespecting you and treating you like CRAP right now. How long does he intend to live like this and how long are you willing to put up with it? Don't be afraid to put your foot down a little bit.

[2sunny]

when you understand that what you HAVE been doing isn't working - you may become more willing to try something new = anything.

 

change invokes change. aren't you looking to change the way things are now? then start doing things differently. it automatically forces him to change too.

[spiderowl]

Hi Confused,

 

I have read this thread through from the beginning and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know you want to save your marriage, but there is nothing about your H's behaviour that makes me think he is trying to do likewise. I can imagine how painful this is and what turmoil you are going through. I'd like to offer some thoughts which I hope might help.

 

Many years ago when I had a young baby, I was going through all kinds of problems which seemed to be coming from all directions. I can look back now and see that many of them had a single focus but it wasn't clear to me at the time. I just felt confused and desperate. My baby was very young so the Health Visitor was still around. I talked to her. She said something that switched on a light in my head. "Your feelings matter too." I think this is something you need to remember, Confused.

 

Having been involved in several relationships since, some of which he left, some of which I left, I have learned a few things. People's feelings sometimes change and they don't always know why, they just do. No-one is to blame. No-one has been a bad wife or husband. It can take both people by surprise. I suspect it is some primitive thing that just wells up and overtakes us. When this happens and people feel a relationship is no longer right for them, they somehow manage to 'accidentally' precipitate it falling apart. I don't think this is necessarily a conscious thing. One good way is to upset the other partner sufficiently so they get angry and become clingy or push you away. Or do something that very clearly and symbolically shows that you cannot remain together. Having an accidental affair is a good way of doing this, but sometimes just 'dabbling' in a bit of emotional infidelity is just as effective. As it may not be a conscious attempt to sabotage a relationship, the dabbler can be quite indignant when their behaviour is 'misinterpreted'. I knew someone who drained their joint bank account because (and this is how they justified it) they needed a new car. Poor partner only found out when his card was refused when trying to pay for the shopping he'd already taken to the till!

 

You may have reacted to the upset by snooping a bit, which I think is understandable given the change in your H's behaviour which you knew was out of character. You may have been clingy, but quite honestly who wouldn't react a little oddly when their most important relationship security was seriously threatened? Your H has reacted with indignation and blamed you for things.

 

There are several important things I have learned from the past:

 

- it's never a good thing when a man goes away to think about whether he wants to continue in a relationship - he may be confused but it leaves you dangling and, whether intended or not, becomes a form of punishment

 

- if his communication drops off and he starts being inconsistent and avoiding communication, it's because he doesn't want to communicate - why would he not want to communicate with the woman he loves?

 

- the friends thing, why can't a man have female friends? This is a classic. You weren't stopping him having female friends, you just felt this friendship was different. Trust your instincts. He was attracted to this lady and spending time with her trying to get emotionally, if not physically intimate. He knew this, that's why he was defensive. He may not want to accept he was doing this but he was. No wonder he won't talk about it, he probably feels guilty. He knows he was tip-toeing over a boundary.

 

- never being a right time to talk. If someone knows they cannot contribute anything constructive or feels guilty discussing things, they won't talk. There will not be a right time. He might schedule times and then back out because he has nothing constructive to say. He knows he's not going to try and rebuild your relationship

 

- rebuilding and reconciling - what exactly has he done towards this? From what I've read, absolutely nothing. He is contacting you occasionally when he feels like it with minimal conversation. He feels he should, he's feeling guilty, but he doesn't want to go further

 

It bothers me that you are blaming yourself so much. He has been drifting away and you've noticed and reacted, that's all. One thing struck me at the start, him asking you if you wanted him to stop talking to this woman. He knows you are soft-hearted and that you wouldn't want to hurt her either. He knows you would not make that decision for him. He was trying to avoid taking responsibility for what he was doing. If you'd said he should stop talking to her (which you did eventually), what would he do? Exactly what he did and ignored it.

 

I'm puzzled why you didn't talk to the woman who confronted him. You know you could have, if you'd really wanted to. You've put enormous effort into trying to make it work with him. All it would have taken was a phone call to ask her. I think you were worried about what she might tell you and just didn't want to know.

 

Seeing an individual counsellor is a good idea. Perhaps you feel that doing this is like admitting defeat or, God forbid, betraying him in some way. It's worth doing because YOU need this support. You need understanding and help to work your way through this emotional turmoil. You deserve all the support you can get. Have you got brothers or sisters, anyone who you know is understanding and non-judgemental? Please consider talking to them about this. I don't think it helps to have relatives jumping in and making the rift wider, but if you know there's someone you can talk to then take that support for yourself. You deserve love, care and support. You haven't done anything wrong except love this man and be honourable.

 

I'd agree that being clingy does not help. In fact, in your situation I would have cut him off by now. He would not be coming and going at will without talking to me properly. I would have instigated a separation and would not be communicating with him. I would tell him that he needed to sort out what he wanted and when he'd decided I may or may not still be interested in continuing with him. In the meantime (and seriously), I would work on the basis that he was gone and move on with my life as best I could. I know this isn't what you want and I know it must seem like a horrendous prospect to you at the moment, but it hurts a lot less than this waiting around for them to decide whether you are important enough to communicate with.

 

I would be looking at financial and home arrangements and sorting them out. He would be getting a clear message that I wasn't sitting around waiting for him to decide MY future. And, if what has happened to you had happened to me, then I would probably be moving on and have shut him out of my future mentally. I've been in that hanging around waiting and wondering situation and NEVER AGAIN! A man who loves you will never leave you wondering and waiting. He would be reassuring you he cared. He would keep his promises to attend meetings. He would be showing you by his actions that you were the most significant person in his life.

 

This is a heck of a situation to be in and I feel for you. You will probably swing from being tough one minute to phoning him and being sweet and encouraging the next. Don't blame yourself for moments of anger or weakness. You have not put yourself in this situation, he has.

 

When you are ready to decide what to do, you will know and you will decide. Your brain is still gathering data on the reality of the situation, all the more difficult when he is confused and going back and forth. All this is emotionally exhausting which is why you should call on all the support you can get. Forget about his feelings. He is looking after them at the moment, he is talking to friends - what about you? Look to those you know love you and will care for you. Your feelings matter!

 

You will come through this stronger. It might not seem like it now, but you will.

Edited August 26, 2010 by spiderowl

[luvstarved]

Confused98, I think a letter or email is a great idea, as it would give you the chance to make your point without the risk of spontaneous concessions! What you wrote in previous post as a sample letter, though, makes your point and then takes it away! You can't tell him that his flitting in and out is unacceptable then turn around and agree to some system of mutual evasive action in your own home!!!!!!! That's ridiculous!

 

I would tell him that you don't want to say what you're saying but that you have to. You don't know what he wants, his friends don't know what he wants, and maybe he doesn't know what he wants. But it isn't your job and it isn't his friends' job to figure it out. It's HIS job. He cannot expect you to put your life on hold indefinitely while he leisurely weighs his options. I would tell him that you understand there are issues that need to be worked out, and that working things out is not always fun. That you are willing to do that work, but can't on your own. I would also tell him that neither do you want to spend 24 hours a day agonizing over those issues, that you want to have fun and happiness, too, and find a balance to your life. I would tell him that you are STUNNED that he either fails to realize or simply does not care how much this situation is hurting you. I would tell him that you want him out of the house unless and until he is ready to recommit to the marriage. I would give him two days to give a response as to whether he will stay or go, and if you don't get an answer in two days, I would start packing his s**t up and change the locks. Seriously. And I would not pack them up neatly either.

 

PLEASE do NOT agree to continue to live under the same roof under this cloud of uncertainty. I KNOW you want to save your marriage but allowing things to go on like this is NOT going to accomplish that. Your natural inclination might well be to want to give him what he wants and not "be in his way". But the truth is, he is in YOUR way now, preventing you from proceeding with your life. And the little visits he makes are not quality time...in fact, they have NEGATIVE value - making you feel worse and keeping you stuck in an emotional vortex.

 

Again I think it is fair enough to give him time to be ready to talk but this is beyond that. There is no presumption here that he is committed to EVER talking or having any plan to preserve the marriage. He is not sorting out how to fix the marriage, he is sorting out whether he wants to stay in it. A few days of space in that case is fair enough, too. But now it is beyond the pale.

 

You need to get on with your life, with or without him. He's putting his confusion on your plate, hedging his bets, waiting to grow a spine, letting 'friends' tell him what he wants, who knows? He can't keep doing this at your emotional expense. You have been advised to do things on your own, ignore him, etc. You can't do that when you WANT him there and now he MIGHT show up. If he leaves, he might or might not come back, nobody can tell you what will happen...but, absolutely nothing is being resolved under current conditions, the only effect of the current scenario is that you are being emotionally ripped apart while he gets a pass on dealing with reality.

[BellaBellaBella]

Luvstarved is right. This is destroying you and to make matters worse you are turning to no one in real life in an attempt to keep this quiet.

 

I think you need to give him a wake up call and let him know your done.

 

This could be his out. I know you don't want this. However, in my opinion by not being a strong person, you aren't being a person he would value. You are a precious person and if he choses to throw you away, knowing this sooner rather then later is better.

 

For him to pick something so small as the breaking point is only an excuse. I think it doesn't matter when, but he would have done this sooner or later.

 

I know your hurt reading these things. However, remember in your life there are people who value you and want you. Furthermore, it's better to know now which way the wind blows so you can either start living a real life or start healing and moving on. I am willing to bet that if he wants to move on, you will find someone who adores and wants to be with you.

Not right away, but at the right time. Image him doing this to you with kids. Image him doing this with you pregnant. Can you see that he is trambling you down?

 

We care about you and want you to be happy. We all can only go by what you say. However, we do want you to be Happy. Right now your husband can care less how you feel and how you hurt and he shows it every day.

 

Hugs

[Confused98]

So I sent him a quick email this morning. Not my full letter. I have started writing it but I want to make sure he is ready to read it so I sent a test email. I said that I felt that I needed someone to talk to and asked if he was talking to anyone about it bc I thought he needed to. He said he's not talking to anyone. So if he's not talking to anyone and he doesn't want to talk to me. Than it means he's holding it inside. Atleast I've been coming here to vent. I want to tell him that he can come to me. And that I want to know what's in his head. He needs to get it out. I've already mentioned MC to him but I might again. Thing is he tends to hold things in I know that. How do I get him to open up.

[funnyluv]

That may be part (the root) of the problem. His unwillingness to talk. Or maybe he doesn't know how. Maybe he has years of pent up frustration and / or anger towards you and these last few weeks have been the tipping point. That's why it seems so strange that he made such a drastic move over something that seemed small- getting angry to the point of bringing up getting his own apt over some snooping? Seems a bit much to me. There is definitely more underneath there. You are right. You have to get him to talk. Why don't you set up an appt with an MC. Then email him the date and time. Tell him you love him and you know you guys have some problems that need to be worked out. Tell him that if he loves you EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT and if he wants to make the marriage work EVEN JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT then tell him to meet you at the appt. Make sure you let him know that it is not going to be a man bashing appt. Tell him you just think you guys both need to work on your communication with each other. Tell him that you know that you have problems talking to him too. Again, let him know that he owes it to you and to the marriage to try one last thing. Then you can tell him that if it doesn't work out, then he can get his own place and you can guys can come up with a plan from there.

[Confused98]

I think I will hold off on Mentioning MC bc I'm not sure how he will take that. For now I am going to tell him I would like to open the lines of communication. That I want to know his thoughts even if they ate not good ones.