Am I crazy?

[2sunny]

I think I will hold off on Mentioning MC bc I'm not sure how he will take that. For now I am going to tell him I would like to open the lines of communication. That I want to know his thoughts even if they ate not good ones.

 

you have been doing this all along. it's nothing different than what you have been doing. i suggest trying something totally opposite of what you have already tried - to see if you get a different response.

 

doing same thing over and over = same results

 

changing things up so that things actually change = different results

[2sunny]

does he have family? expose his behavior to his family. be honest with them. allow them to know how bad things really are. once the truth is out there - he will have to become accountable for his actions to more than just you.

[Confused98]

does he have family? expose his behavior to his family. be honest with them. allow them to know how bad things really are. once the truth is out there - he will have to become accountable for his actions to more than just you.

 

Not sure this would help. Yes it would force him to be accountable but it would also push him away. And although things are not looking very good right now the fact that he hasn't told his family and friends probably means he is not sure what he wants yet.

 

I did send him an email. I told him I was available if he needed to talk and that I would appreciate it.

[2sunny]

Not sure this would help. Yes it would force him to be accountable but it would also push him away. And although things are not looking very good right now the fact that he hasn't told his family and friends probably means he is not sure what he wants yet.

 

I did send him an email. I told him I was available if he needed to talk and that I would appreciate it.

 

 

same ol' same ol' = expect the same results... he will ignore you and do whatever HE wants.

 

his actions look like a druggy to me... does he drink or use? this could account for his change in behavior.

[funnyluv]

You mentioned that your h came home for several days and I think you said you spent some time and watched a movie together. I'm just wondering how the interaction has been when he is home. Are you guys affectionate / intimate at all? When you watched the movie together do you laugh and smile together? Just wondering what the general energy is when he is around?

[Minnie09]

I'm not too convinced that he's not talking to anybody. To me, the whole withdrawal and avoiding confrontation indicates an affair, at least an EA, but I'm almost sure it's a PA. He spends the nights somewhere else, you have caught him at a females' place in the middle of the night before. What makes you think he is not involved in an A?? The signs were there a long time ago. You and even friends of yours had a gut feeling about it all. Don't ignore that!

 

Something is up. Something is fishy. I would not believe any of his words (anymore). Just because he SAYS there is noone else, just because he SAYS he's not discussing your marriage "problems" with anybody, doesn't mean that it's true. It's his way of delaying the conflict. It's his way of avoiding confrontation. He comes and goes as he pleases.

 

It's been too long. Something is going on behind your back. Get a grip.

[Confused98]

You mentioned that your h came home for several days and I think you said you spent some time and watched a movie together. I'm just wondering how the interaction has been when he is home. Are you guys affectionate / intimate at all? When you watched the movie together do you laugh and smile together? Just wondering what the general energy is when he is around?

 

We laughed together at the movie. Watched some tv too. Had some light conversation about this and that. I tried to show affection by holding hands or going up to him and rubbing his back. He didn't shy away but I did feel like he was holding back some. Like he wasn't fully ready or comfortable. Maybe he was afraid that I was going to blow up. I'm not sure.

[stormsgate]

We laughed together at the movie. Watched some tv too. Had some light conversation about this and that. I tried to show affection by holding hands or going up to him and rubbing his back. He didn't shy away but I did feel like he was holding back some. Like he wasn't fully ready or comfortable. Maybe he was afraid that I was going to blow up. I'm not sure.

 

My heart is with you and I am very sorry for your pain! I just caught on to this thread a day or two ago and I am new to this forum so please forgive me if i say something wrong. I think your husband is acting like a selfish jerk! No one deserves this back and forth like he is dishing out. He is being selfish! You are hurting too right??? If I only think of myself than I dont see how I am hurting others and THAT IS MY FAULT! A relationship takes two but You DO NOT DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE IMPORTANT....AND GOD SAID YOU MATTER!! YOU MATTER and YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!!!! You are caught up into something that I entirely understand. If in the end he chooses not to love you than there are many others waiting!

[funnyluv]

I think I will hold off on Mentioning MC bc I'm not sure how he will take that. For now I am going to tell him I would like to open the lines of communication. That I want to know his thoughts even if they ate not good ones.

 

You can see how he responds to this. I doubt that he is going to open the floodgates on his feelings though, and you guys really need to have a serious heart to heart talk and lay everything on the line. If he doesn't talk to you after asking him again then I think you really should consider setting something up with a MC to see if he is serious about salvaging your marriage.

[lordWilhelm]

If he doesn't want to do MC, at least make an IC appointment for yourself.

[2sunny]

well nw you've been doing the same things since the beginning of July... what ARE YOU going to do that you haven't done yet?

 

the same thing will get you the same results.

 

get a boundary and stick to it - make it difficult for him to treat you like a total dick.

 

he does this because YOU LET HIM. stop letting him.

[jenifer1972]

You now have recieved over 280 posts of help and feedback, yet I am not reading much movement from you. If you remain confused, it is because you will not see what is right in front of you. On this website, and in your home.

[funnyluv]

How did your weekend go? Is h still coming and going? Any progress with communication or any talks at all?

[Confused98]

We talked. He still is unsure. He doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He misses me but he can hardly remember "the good times" so it's easier to be away and missing me. He said he had looked at apts. But that it wasn't going to be any better bc he'd still be miserable living in an apt. I told him I was working on myself so I wasn't so clingy. For so long vie only hung out with him and his friends vie forgotten the friends I had before and haven't made new ones. Mostly because I always had him. I understand that I need my own life too. Whether it works out for us or not. He says he doesn't think anything will change. I said it can but we have to work on making each other happy.

 

He is still unsure. He did spend the night here all weekend in the guest room but still at home. Even watched some tv together. I'm not getting too hopeful but things seem to be looking better not worse. I am going to try and invite him out to dinner tonight. I know he is still seriously considering an apt. I know we can work things out. Something small has turned into something huge because we let it.

[funnyluv]

So he says he is miserable with you but he'd also be miserable without you? Sounds like he needs to work on himself too.

[Confused98]

Maybe so. But I am just now getting him to truly open up his feelings. I think that we can be better than we were before if he would just make that commitment to come back home for good with intentions of working things out.

 

And we can work on ourselves at the same time.

[BellaBellaBella]

Confused, I know your stubborn and I know that your trying to work this all out privately. However, call an IC today. All so join a gym. You enjoy working out and you can do it with out being alone. This is a good step in not being clingy.

 

By keeping this all inside, you are depending on him to be your source of comfort and at the same time hurt. This is also showing him things remain the same. He is 100 percent responsible for your emotional well being. That is a pretty heavy task.

 

You can reach out to someone else. An IC would keep the privacy you want, or someone independent.

 

You are a strong person or you would have cracked weeks ago, now use your strength to get help.

[luvstarved]

Confused98,

 

Yow. I think you need to think about possible clinical depression in your H.

 

Red flags to me that 1) he says he will be miserable anywhere (happiness not in his life, nor on his radar?) 2) nothing will change ("it's hopeless"?) 3) in retrospect, you mentioned several times about him being "drunk" (self-medicating?) 4) not wanting to talk/face things

 

I don't want to be alarmist about it, but it does seem like potential signs...and trying to get advice from unprofessional third parties with their own agendae is not going to help...

 

All marriages have rough patches and some survive and some don't. I think more would survive if people were more mutually respectful/empathetic and realize that ANY long term relationship requires sacrifice and openness to happily succeed...so sometimes sheer unrealisticness or selfishness dooms things...

 

BUT...the general assumption in responses so far is that your H's behavior is entirely willful and I am not so sure...

 

If I were you, I'd quietly read info on depression and see if it rings true. If it does, I would do everything I could to get him to seek PROFESSIONAL help.

 

Please think hard about whether this rings true. I'm not a mental health professional either, just offering food for thought based on what you have posted...

[Confused98]

Thanks for the replys everyone.

 

I have considered the depression. Unforetunately he will not even consider help. I am fairly positive of this. He is stressed at work and I think that he would get lonely living alone. His best friend told me at our wedding that it's a good thing he was getting married bc he couldn't make it on his own. Totally true and in many ways I am the same. This is no reason to stay together if it is not working but it is maybe where the miserable alone comes from. That and the fact that we currently live in a comfortable roomy for 2 house and he would be moving to a 1 bedroom small apt. Which would be pushing it to afford meaning he would have to cut back on going out.

I wish he would consider atleast MC but I don't think he will. Right now I would settle for him reading some books but I don't see him being into that either. He had opened up more though which is good. Maybe we are making progress.

 

On a good note. I invited him to an event tonight. I asked him if he had interest in going and he said yes. He hasn't even wanted to go out to dinner with me. But he said yes to this. Anyway it looks like we will be attending together. It will be an opportunity for us to meet new people which will be great.

[shivani]

Confused, I read this entire thread and felt I had to register just to reply. I am not going to be nice, because obviously you are NOT GETTING IT.

 

Your husband is a CONTROLLING @$$H0LE. He acts as if you are wrong and constantly blames you for how things are. He is NOT going to change this behavior until you stop acting like a five-year-old with no friends. For god's sake, you are an adult married woman. It is YOUR RIGHT to be happy in your marriage and to be treated with kindness and respect. F@CK HIS ISSUES. HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS AND WORRY.

 

YOU are making things worse by thanking him for acknowledging your existence.

 

YOU are making things worse by talking to him, contacting him, worrying over him, and acting like things are fine and ignoring the advice to STOP TALKING TO HIM AND ACTING LIKE HE IS IMPORTANT.

HE IS NOT IMPORTANT. YOU ARE.

 

YOU are making things worse by acting as though he will magically not leave you because you let him choose when to have a serious conversation. HE IS NOT YOUR PARENT, NOR YOUR MASTER. YOU ARE HIS PARTNER AND HIS EQUAL. ACT LIKE IT.

 

YOU are making things worse by blaming yourself. He isn't some angel whom you are hurting, sweetheart, he's a CONTROLLING @$$H0LE.

 

Look, you need to grow a pair immediately and start acting your age. You aren't some helpless child who needs to apologize and cringe at every moment. If he is going to leave, he will leave, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. A marriage isn't one person trying to save it and the other being a self-centered CONTROLLING @$$H0LE who only thinks of himself.

 

Seriously, grow the f@ck up. You're an adult woman who refuses to see that there are some huge marital issues that have festered for a while and have now come to a head because you were slightly assertive on this "woman friend" situation. You both need counseling, both IC and MC for each of you. Stop putting things off and living in some fantasy where everything will magically be okay for a day or two if you're super-nice and let him have all the power. It's not healthy.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I 100 percent agree with Shivani! This post is getting ridiculous! And on another note...why do you consistantly mention taking him out to dinner???? Why not COOK if theres some sort of financial issues? Seems like your beating a dead horse at this point. I have read this whole thread and it just gets worse and worse. When will you take advise given to you? Save your "dinner" money and get into IC immediately!!!!!

[Zapbasket]

Confused, I read this entire thread and felt I had to register just to reply. I am not going to be nice, because obviously you are NOT GETTING IT.

 

Your husband is a CONTROLLING @$$H0LE. He acts as if you are wrong and constantly blames you for how things are. He is NOT going to change this behavior until you stop acting like a five-year-old with no friends. For god's sake, you are an adult married woman. It is YOUR RIGHT to be happy in your marriage and to be treated with kindness and respect. F@CK HIS ISSUES. HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS AND WORRY.

 

YOU are making things worse by thanking him for acknowledging your existence.

 

YOU are making things worse by talking to him, contacting him, worrying over him, and acting like things are fine and ignoring the advice to STOP TALKING TO HIM AND ACTING LIKE HE IS IMPORTANT.

HE IS NOT IMPORTANT. YOU ARE.

 

YOU are making things worse by acting as though he will magically not leave you because you let him choose when to have a serious conversation. HE IS NOT YOUR PARENT, NOR YOUR MASTER. YOU ARE HIS PARTNER AND HIS EQUAL. ACT LIKE IT.

 

YOU are making things worse by blaming yourself. He isn't some angel whom you are hurting, sweetheart, he's a CONTROLLING @$$H0LE.

 

Look, you need to grow a pair immediately and start acting your age. You aren't some helpless child who needs to apologize and cringe at every moment. If he is going to leave, he will leave, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. A marriage isn't one person trying to save it and the other being a self-centered CONTROLLING @$$H0LE who only thinks of himself.

 

Seriously, grow the f@ck up. You're an adult woman who refuses to see that there are some huge marital issues that have festered for a while and have now come to a head because you were slightly assertive on this "woman friend" situation. You both need counseling, both IC and MC for each of you. Stop putting things off and living in some fantasy where everything will magically be okay for a day or two if you're super-nice and let him have all the power. It's not healthy.

 

 

It may be harsh, but I have to say I'm 100% in agreement. Confused, I've been in a situation similar to yours at least in the sense of utter non-communication, and controlling-ness through that non-communication. When someone refuses to accept the invitation to mature discussion and mutual effort to address the issues at hand, it's time to get selfish. It sucks, but YOU CANNOT FIX A RELATIONSHIP SOLO. Again:

 

YOU CANNOT FIX A RELATIONSHIP SOLO.

 

The only thing at the end of the path you're currently on is frustration and heartache and LOSS OF DIGNITY. You MUST love yourself and stop trying to control how committed someone is to you. It's an entirely futile effort.

 

Get a separation and move on with your life. It's the only way to peace, no matter how counter-intuitive it might seem right now.

[funnyluv]

I wish he would consider atleast MC but I don't think he will. Right now I would settle for him reading some books but I don't see him being into that either. He had opened up more though which is good. Maybe we are making progress.

 

On a good note. I invited him to an event tonight. I asked him if he had interest in going and he said yes. He hasn't even wanted to go out to dinner with me. But he said yes to this. Anyway it looks like we will be attending together. It will be an opportunity for us to meet new people which will be great.

 

How did the event go? I do agree with others about the depression issue. Maybe he's the type who will never be happy with his life- job, wife, home, etc. The grass is always greener attitude. The problem with that is that you are caught right there in it. You could be a great wife, but he may never be satisfied with that- always thinking it could be better.

[lordWilhelm]

How are things going? Any progress?

 

Have you made an appointment to IC just for yourself?

[Habibba]

i don't think so ,

you are 100% ok ,

so don't think about this ,

just go ahead dude ..........................