Am I crazy?

[funnyluv]

 

why do you make it ok for him to do that to you? read the book co-dependent no more!!!!!!!!! i've said it before - read it before you even speak to him again.

 

I agree with 2sunny. You should check out "co-dependent no more" because you have those tendencies. Keep in mind that many of us who are responding to you are married women and we are trying to give you the best advice we can. There is definitely a tone to your behavior with your husband. It seems like you are very passive and overly caring about his feelings and how he might react, but you really don't stand up for your own feelings and how you are being treated in all of this. No one is going to know your self worth if you don't even know it. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Try to pick that book up at the library or purchase it if you can. You could read it in a couple days. It can only help your relationship with your husband if you work on bettering yourself. The same goes for him working on himself, but we don't even know where his head is at right now.

Edited August 19, 2010 by funnyluv

[Confused98]

Yea. I actually already read the free portion on kindle. I agree I do have some codependent tendencies. And it is something I need to work with myself on. But I also don't want to be mean to him because I do care about his feelings.

 

I told him I was ok. I also told him I was confused about last night. He knows I am hurting. I made that very clear before. I'm not going to get over that in 2 days. He's not stupid he knows I'm still hurting.

 

He replied back saying that he just wasn't ready yet. I don't know whether or not he's coming tonight. Last night it sounded like maybe he would be coming home today but he hasn't told me the he has definate plans to do so. Since he did reply back to me I am thinking about asking if he is coming home. But I've done so well these last 3 days that I don't want to be the one to initiate that. I am trying very hard to let Jim be the one to initiate contact and it seems to have worked. After 24 hours of NC he was asking me how I was. And then telling me he was coming home to talk. True he backed out but I've made my share of mistakes. I was clinging to him so hard it pushed him away. He wanted space and I bothered him. He didn't contact me at all the other times he left bc I would eventually call him myself. I needed to change my attitude. But I don't want to be mean to him. If he does contact me I feel I should respond. I won't let him walk all over me but right now I'd like to "win him back" first.

That was longer than I intended. Sorry.

 

I do appreciate everyones help here. I think that there are so many things you all were telling me to do and I tried to do them and failed and it hurt me more.

 

You have helped me alot and I can't thank you enough. If I hadn't come here for help I don't know where I would be right now.

[sunshinegirl]

Yea. I actually already read the free portion on kindle. I agree I do have some codependent tendencies. And it is something I need to work with myself on. But I also don't want to be mean to him because I do care about his feelings.

 

I told him I was ok. I also told him I was confused about last night. He knows I am hurting. I made that very clear before. I'm not going to get over that in 2 days. He's not stupid he knows I'm still hurting.

 

He replied back saying that he just wasn't ready yet. I don't know whether or not he's coming tonight. Last night it sounded like maybe he would be coming home today but he hasn't told me the he has definate plans to do so. Since he did reply back to me I am thinking about asking if he is coming home. But I've done so well these last 3 days that I don't want to be the one to initiate that. I am trying very hard to let Jim be the one to initiate contact and it seems to have worked. After 24 hours of NC he was asking me how I was. And then telling me he was coming home to talk. True he backed out but I've made my share of mistakes. I was clinging to him so hard it pushed him away. He wanted space and I bothered him. He didn't contact me at all the other times he left bc I would eventually call him myself. I needed to change my attitude. But I don't want to be mean to him. If he does contact me I feel I should respond. I won't let him walk all over me but right now I'd like to "win him back" first.

That was longer than I intended. Sorry.

 

I do appreciate everyones help here. I think that there are so many things you all were telling me to do and I tried to do them and failed and it hurt me more.

 

You have helped me alot and I can't thank you enough. If I hadn't come here for help I don't know where I would be right now.

 

I do commend you for not clinging and letting him initiate contact, BUT: how long are you willing to twist in the wind like this?

 

How long does he get to string you along and not talk except on his terms and on his timeline?

[funnyluv]

No one said you have to be mean to him. I think that's where you are getting mixed up. He is the one who is being mean to you. He left. He's staying elsewhere. He's making you wait and wait to talk about things. You have no clue where his head is at.

 

If he replied that he was not ready yet then tell him ok then continue no contact. You acknowledged that it is working. Remember that he is the one who left and is sleeping elsewhere.

 

Do any of your friends or family know what is going on? They probably know the 2 of you guys pretty well. Have they offered any advice?

[BellaBellaBella]

I think you are doing well with your whole 180 plan. I think you need to read everyone's advise and then take what you can. Did you find an IC, for therapy?

[Confused98]

I haven't made an appt yet. I am still holding out hope that h will be open to MC.

 

I don't want to wait forever for him to be ready but I didn't expect it to be this soon. I was thinking Friday maybe tonight at the soonest before he even communicated with me. I'm not sure what will happen tonight. I'm trying not to expect him to come home because I'm not sure that he is. I don't know what made him change his mind last night.

 

I do need to just calm down. I am getting a little anxious. I think I am about to have a very busy afternoon so that will be distracting atleast.

 

I'm not sure I want to tell friends and family yet. I am holding out hope I guess which may make it worse in the end but for now it's making it a little easier.

[scrybe74]

Confused-

 

This is advice coming from a guy who's in his mid 30's and second marriage. I hope this helps you. I've behaved like your husband before in prior relationships and have ended up hurting women that I cared a lot about. The last woman I did that to I eventually came back to her and we married and are happy.

 

I wasn't having an affair. I also had close female friends I talked to a lot.

 

I would guess the first issue is that he is the one who is confused. I know I was. I felt like I woke up one morning and I was in a situation, a relationship, a life that I never wanted. I couldn't figure out how I arrived there. First I was trying to make it work as hard as I could but eventually I gave up hope. I just accepted that we weren't meant to be together. And the "gaslighting" began. Not intentionally. It wasn't like I planned it but I started doing things at a subconscious level. I was hoping she would leave me so I wouldn't have to deal with it deep inside. The thing is - while this was going on I really didn't understand it. We finally broke up and it took almost two years of us being apart for me to realize that I was really just afraid to face my fears, my insecurities, my concerns.

 

The bottom line is that he is going through a major identity crisis. He's not sure who's making the decisions in his life. Him or you. He's blaming you for everything and finding freedom amongst his friends. Freedom to not deal with his internal issues.

 

When I sorted that out on my own I was able to communicate with my ex and talk about OUR issues after I was able to accept and talk about my MY issues.

 

The problem for her was that it took over a year before she finally left me alone. She finally moved on with her life and let go of the anger and hurt and focused on her own life. After some space and time I had no one to blame anymore. She wasn't there to be the bad guy. I was the bad guy.

 

So my advice to you is advice that you don't want to hear and likely won't implement but it is this. First…figure out what exactly you want. Second…understand that up to this point nothing is your fault. Why? Because until you two have a conversation - the conversation that he is avoiding - you don't know what you can or can't do to help the relationship. Right now you're trying to figure it out on your own and that's making it easy for him to never deal with it. Third - Move on with your life. Let him go. Let go of the false sense of control you have in your head. No matter how much you communicate to him your love, your pain, your loyalty it won't matter. Stop saying you will "always be there for him" because it means nothing to him. It's not want he needs to hear or want to hear. It's what you want to hear - from him.

 

What he needs and wants is to be left alone to fully figure things out and make a decision.

 

So take a deep breath and start rebuilding your life one day at a time. If he wants to be a part of your life he'll need to earn his keep. Which means he'll need to initiate communication. If he's not ready then he can keep on truckin'. Trust me….if he loves you and isn't' too stupid he'll figure it out.

 

You also have to accept the fact that it may take a long time for him to get his head on straight….and that he may never get his head on straight so prepare yourself accordingly. Best of luck to you.

[New_Life08]

There are so many posts here, I may not be fully up to speed on your situation...but the deal is that he knows you are compassionate and do not want to be responsible for putting an end to their friendship. The fact is...you can't; no more than you can stop the sun from setting.

 

I think you have a lot of unfounded guilt for "snooping" and then for bringing it to his attention. I have walked on eggshells and avoided confrontation with my ex husband more than I can count. It actually took therapy for me to put things into perspective.

 

What you MUST realize is ending the EA is NOT about losing something it is about gaining trust, respect, and a healthy marriage. The very reason this is clearly an EA is his unwillingness to take it upon himself to end it. This should be a no-brainer, effortless choice for the well-being of his marriage to you. Instead he puts this choice on your back. He may tell you he wont hold it against you, but you can be rest assured he will tell her that it was his 'insecure' wife who made him do it.

 

So, as long as you have been clear about your boundaries, let him decide what he's going to do, your intuition will guide you through the rest.

 

Do you think if he questioned your intentions with another man that he would not be inclined to look at your emails or phone? People who have nothing to hide do not become defensive when their spouse sees their email or phone. He should especially not be defensive of his privacy with her. His audacity to defend his private communication with her is almost laughable.

 

These situations are always different when we are in them and we are the ones feeling the brunt of it. But don't allow yourself to be belittled or twisted into thinking you are the one with problem and what he is doing is normal. I guarantee if you took this little situation to a counselor, the counselor would tell him to cut the baggage and focus on the marriage.

 

Good luck, I hope he wises up.

[Confused98]

Not sure what to do. Should I text and ask if he is coming?

 

My insides felt like jelly the whole drive home.

[funnyluv]

I know this is difficult for you, but you shouldn't ask him anything. He told you he was coming. He should be the one to contact you.

[BellaBellaBella]

Don't do anything! Remember the ball is in his court. However, make some plan for tonight that doesn't include him. He gave you no definate.

Go take care of yourself!!!!!

[Confused98]

Thanks. I am try to stay calm. Maybe will take a shower or something. But first I will eat because that might settle my stomach right now.

[lordWilhelm]

Confused, I also read a good portion of this thread. I'm really upset by the way your H has been acting to you. Yes, you have been clingy and needy, but he is totally playing with you (I'd say gaslighting). You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and as long as you're willing to put up with it he's going to dish it out to you. I don't know, do you really want to cling to somebody who's so cold and distant to you?

 

I think you're in a state of shock right now. You have to take care of yourself first; you have to talk to some friends in real-life; make that IC appointment -- if your H gets around to the idea of doing MC then you can still do that when he figures himself out; go exercise and watch some movies; and with your H in the meantime the 180 plan should be the way to go.

 

I can't stress enough that you should connect with some friends in real-life. If you can't be with friends, can you visit your family for the weekend?

Edited August 20, 2010 by lordWilhelm

[Confused98]

What do I say if he send his are you ok email? I'm not really ok. I'm a little upset. But it wouldn't really be part of 180 to show that.

 

Super Confused

[funnyluv]

My response would be "why do you keep asking me if I'm ok? of course I'm not ok!" but that's just me.

 

If you don't want to be mean then I would reply with something short like "i'm hurt."

 

Did he ever contact you or come to talk?

Edited August 20, 2010 by funnyluv

[Confused98]

No contact till this morning. We had a brief text conversation and he said he was coming home this afternoon. Didn't specifically say it was to talk but I assume that was the intent. I plan to let him do the talking and just listen. And reply when needed. At this time and depending what is said I don't plan to resolve all our issues. We can't fix everything in a day.

 

Wish me luck.

[lordWilhelm]

IMO, the best reply to some of these texts would be: "I'm going with such-and-such friend to see this or that movie tonight"

[Zapbasket]

I SO agree with this!!! I think that he is seeing your efforts as more

crawling up his ass, not giving him space, being needy and perhaps he feels guilty for his "grass is greener" thoughts. Most of us know that

the greener grass is a big fat myth...but it takes time. Trying to

force the issue is just going to further push him away. Your best bet,

NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT POTENTIALLY SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE...is

to focus on yourself. I know it isn't easy when it feels that so much

is at stake, but in the end it is probably your only hope. He needs to

see what he really stands to lose, and if all it looks like is a lot of

emotional turmoil, he's not going to think of it as something that he would

miss much.

 

I'd just say something like, you don't want to talk, fine. You think I'm crawling up your

ass, fine, I'll stop. You might have legitimate issues with me, but I have legitimate issues with you, too, and guess what? If you want to be a married man, you need to realize that there will always be legitimate

issues no matter who you are married to and learn to deal with them.

I don't have time to try to read your mind or figure out what you want,

and I'm sorry I wasted so much time trying. If you don't want to be with

me, just say so. I love you and want to work this out, but I can't do it

in a vacuum. And I certainly don't want to be with someone who does

not want to be with me. I'd rather find someone else who does. I

am willing to put forth any effort required to repair this marriage, but

until you decide you want to participate, I am just going to focus on

my own needs. I am willing to give you some time to sort out your

feelings if that is what you need, but don't expect infinity. Life is

too short.

 

And then...if you have to MAKE yourself get out of the house, find a

hobby, make new friends yourself, WHATEVER to push this out of

your mind until he figures himself out...DO IT!!!

 

I haven't read the thread past this quote yet, but this resonated with me and I had to respond immediately. Confused, I think you are right to not want to be "mean." But that doesn't imply you should be a doormat, either, and ignore how bad the whole situation is making you feel. The truth is, you can't make someone do what they don't want to do...and even if you could, what value would it have? You'd always have that nagging feeling that the person only did it because you stomped your foot and "made" them. People must come to a relationship, and to working on the problems in a relationship, because THEY WANT TO, all on their own.

 

I have made your mistake so many times--pleading and fighting and generally making all kinds of fuss in an attempt to get someone to see something I feel I need them to see. And all it does is sap my dignity in both my eyes as well as theirs. Far, far better to just retreat, to take care of YOU, and let the other person come to you IF and WHEN they're ready to, or want to. IF they don't eventually come, there's your answer, plain as day. And then you can walk away with head held high and knowing you truly did all you could. It's hard to do because it seems antithetical to caring, especially when you're a passionate person as you seem to be. But NEVER in a relationship should one person have to dance the tango alone for two. That's contrary to the very essence of a relationship.

 

When you had to show up at the friend's house to retrieve your husband.... It made me wince to read about it. Made me so angry on your behalf that you were placed--and placed yourself--in such an undignified position. There is, truly, NO honor in fighting for a relationship in that way (though don't get me wrong; I completely understand why you did it). I think in your case, you need to save your relationship, if indeed it can be saved, by attending to your needs and giving your husband all the space in the world to COME TO YOU, if that is indeed in him to do. And if it's not, then there's your answer, and I guarantee you that anything that ensues will be happier than chasing after someone who has given up on the two of you.

 

Good luck, Confused.

[Zapbasket]

No contact till this morning. We had a brief text conversation and he said he was coming home this afternoon. Didn't specifically say it was to talk but I assume that was the intent. I plan to let him do the talking and just listen. And reply when needed. At this time and depending what is said I don't plan to resolve all our issues. We can't fix everything in a day.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Ok, I read the whole thread, and I see that you've already received the advice I gave several times over . Sorry for the repeat. How did the talk go; was there, indeed, a talk?

[jenifer1972]

Luv Starved and Green Cove have pretty much summed this up IMO. It is painful to read how you had to go, or felt compelled to go to another woman's house to retrieve your husband and then let him disrespect you by saying he "has dinner plans" like he is someone who is just casually dating you and doesn't have to explain himself, then make you wait and say he's not coming home.

 

You are losing all your dignity and he is literally wiping his feet on you. This thread is getting painful to read because you can't see that.

 

If my husband had sent me an email that he "had dinner plans" and then didn't come home, he would find his clothes on the driveway, the locks changed, the bank accounts emptied, with a message pinned to his clothes, that he could go back and sleep in the bedroom of his "platonic?" girl friend. But I would have done that already when he had the audacity to go sleep at another woman's house...

[newdawn]

Confused,

 

You need to end this relationship with him. He is not coming back to you. He was never really with you.

 

Let him go.

 

He's a loser.

 

He will waste your life and then leave anyway.

 

Get out now while you are still young enough to make a life with someone else.

 

I am so sorry, it's just he is who he is, and will not change.

 

Please take the others advice and move the money, then change the locks and put his things out. Get help to do this if you need to.

 

It's a very difficult thing to do, but you must save yourself.

 

There is life after him, and a much better one too!

 

Be brave!

[funnyluv]

No contact till this morning. We had a brief text conversation and he said he was coming home this afternoon. Didn't specifically say it was to talk but I assume that was the intent. I plan to let him do the talking and just listen. And reply when needed. At this time and depending what is said I don't plan to resolve all our issues. We can't fix everything in a day.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Did you and your husband sit down to talk? How did things go?

[finder]

Confused, I've been keeping up with your story ever since I read it a little bit ago. Whatever happened with your talk (or did you not talk)? I'm concerned for you. I hope everything's OK.

[Confused98]

We talked briefly.

 

He said he was conflicted. Because he missed me but things had gotten so bad it was better to be away. This was all on Friday. He left again on Friday night.

 

Saturday he comes home and we watch a movie together. It was so weird because right when the movie ended he got up and left. He told me he was going to a friends house. Then he came home. And it seemed like things were ok. We spent most of the day together. And I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner. Then he told me he wasn't going to go to dinner and he left.

 

I am as confused as ever.

[BellaBellaBella]

I think he is testing the waters. I think is testing to see how clingy you are. Remember, ball is in his court.

 

Keep the no contact on your side going. Remember, you can do this. Do make a boundary, so he can't walk all over you and not show up.

 

Find an individual counselor who also does marriage counseling. You really need more hands on help.