Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Thanks to all I appreciate all the opinions.

 

So I talked to him yesterday. I told him how I felt. I said I did not want him to lose a friend but I was uncomfortable with the relationship and I felt like it had secretive parts. He again offered to ignore her. He told me it was my decision and he would not hold it against me. I'm probably being too nice but I don't want him to give up a good friendship if that's what it is.

 

You are being too nice. You will lose your marriage over this, I can almost guarantee it. From what you write, you are practically handing your H over to your "friend."

 

I hinted that I wanted to be able to read the texts and asked what it was they talked about because i saw no similarities. He pretty much shot down the reading texts idea and said their personalities are similar so they are able to talk easily.

 

Yup, it's an emotional affair for sure. So, he would have let you read the texts before and now he won't?

 

Red flags waving madly here. I hope you can see this.

He compared her to his best male friend. Which I actually can kinda see. (Behind the gorgeous female.) He swears there is noting to hide in the texts but that he deserves his privacy and that he sometimes asks her advice about us (our marraige) that he may not be comfortable with me reading I'm not sure what to think about that. She's not married and never has been so it's not like she has experience. And if he can say it to her can't he say it to me? But I suppose if he is seeking advice from someone. I wouldn't be mad if he was asking a male friend for advice and didn't let me see.

 

Okay, I'm getting mad at you now. Why are you making this so d*mn easy for him? You're just sitting back and watching your marriage self-destruct because you don't want to be seen as mean? Fine, have at it.

 

And the talking to her about your marriage. Huge no-no. A serious boundary has been crossed between the two of them.

 

Even more red flags.

 

I'm so sad for you because it's all so apparent and yet you do nothing. How can you be so calm?

If it is an emotional affair or on the verge of one I want him to be aware of that. So he asked me this afternoon if I had made a descision yet. I told him to give me a couple days to think it through which he was fine with. Then I told him I was afraid of it becoming or if it already was an emotional affair. I can see that even if it is simply a friendship it could very easily become more.

 

What decision are you talking about? I'm confused.

 

So you're okay with your husband being in an emotional affair? It sure sounds like it.

 

Confused, I'm sure you think I'm not a very nice poster--but truly, my heart breaks for you. You see, my H had an affair with a co-worker/friend. Somewhat similar to what you describe here...the only thing was, I didn't know what was happening because it didn't happen in front of me. You have a unique advantage in that you can see first-hand what is happening and may be able to stop this.

 

Sorry, it makes me angry that you have the ability to at least try to stop this but yet you do nothing for fear of being perceived as "mean."

 

When he has left you heart-broken and alone and is now with his new friend/lover, will you still be nice to him?

Edited by Snowflower
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You are being too nice. You will lose your marriage over this, I can almost guarantee it. From what you write, you are practically handing your H over to your "friend."

 

 

 

Yup, it's an emotional affair for sure. So, he would have let you read the texts before and now he won't?

 

Red flags waving madly here. I hope you can see this.

 

 

Okay, I'm getting mad at you now. Why are you making this so d*mn easy for him? You're just sitting back and watching your marriage self-destruct because you don't want to be seen as mean? Fine, have at it.

 

And the talking to her about your marriage. Huge no-no. A serious boundary has been crossed between the two of them.

 

Even more red flags.

 

I'm so sad for you because it's all so apparent and yet you do nothing. How can you be so calm?

 

 

What decision are you talking about? I'm confused.

 

So you're okay with your husband being in an emotional affair? It sure sounds like it.

 

Confused, I'm sure you think I'm not a very nice poster--but truly, my heart breaks for you. You see, my H had an affair with a co-worker/friend. Somewhat similar to what you describe here...the only thing was, I didn't know what was happening because it didn't happen in front of me. You have a unique advantage in that you can see first-hand what is happening and may be able to stop this.

 

Sorry, it makes me angry that you have the ability to at least try to stop this but yet you do nothing for fear of being perceived as "mean."

 

When he has left you heart-broken and alone and is now with his new friend/lover, will you still be nice to him?

 

Let me say thank you for your opinion. My reason for coming here was to find other opinions on the situation. Thank you for being mean it make me want to be mean and obviously I'm not very good at that.

 

The text situation is a hard one. Because yes I too think I should be allowed to read the texts but... He is upset with me for snooping to read the emails. I will tell that story separately as it may pertain. I also don't like the fact that he is talking to her about our marriage. This is something I will discuss with him in our talk.

 

Sorry for confusion. He told me it was my decision: he would ignore her if I wished and he would not be mad at me because of it.

 

I am definitely not okay with him having an EA. I just wasn't sure if that's what it was.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

Whether it is an EA or not, it has crossed to many boundaries and it has bother you enough to post about it. I am not sure him saying he would ignore her will happen if he won't let you see the texts. I have been reading a book called his needs/her needs from marriage builder site.

There is also a book called how to survive an affair.

 

Personally my DH better not have a conversation with another woman he can't tell me about. He is essentially telling you he can't tell you about the texts, that are from another woman. Can you straight out ask him if they are sexual in nature?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

First the story then I will give a small update.

 

About a month ago h had already left for work and I was on the comp. Which inhale to admit is kinda rare for me but I was trying to pay some bills or something before I left for work. This was after h had told me about the disapproving friend. Well I see an email pop up that says "sure" from her. Being curious I decide to snoop. He had sent her a email asking to go to lunch it said something to the affect of we need to discuss what (insert name of disapproving friend here) I shouldn't have continued to snoop but I did. And found several emails (in his trash box, which could have been a coincidence I guess) to and from her. It wasn't even everyday but once or twice a week maybe and nothing that meant anything. Just like a joke or asking if one another was going to a certain function. But they were in the trash which was weird. So Then I checked his phone bill and found the texts. Again really not that much (less than it is now). So then I go to work which now I am late but I feel the urge to check his email several time through the work day. I usually get out at lunch time on Fridays so I decided to call him and invite him to meet me for lunch. Kinda deceitful knowing his plans but I was getting upset at this point. He said he had lunch plans but nit with who and I didn't ask. So then I decided to track his phone and sure enough he went to lunch and back to work. I felt rotten fir snooping and wasn't sure how I was going to bring up that I knew who he had gone to lunch with presumingly alone. Knew he would be upset that I had snooped but I decided to bring it up anyway. Surprisingly he didn't get mad he explained why he had gone to lunch, to inform her that the friend would no longer be around and that her reasons were because she thought something was going on between them. I told him that I thought I should have been included in the conversation and he said he thought it was better that I wasn't. But later I realized although he stayed calm he was pretty upset that I had snooped. So now he feels like I shouldn't snoop or read his texts which is totally wrong. Oh and if he is emailing her it must be on his work bc I haven't seen one "pop up" from her. I don't have access to his work email.

 

So that probably sounds really bad now that I look back at it. I got pretty mad at him so don't worry I can be mean. After this he offered to stop talking to her I refused (stupid on my part I know) and now we are to where we are today.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

Honestly, I went and read the link for the book about friends posted above. A good point is should a husband be better friends or best friends with another woman. I better be my DH's best friend. He claims needing advice for your marriage. Are you have issues?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Whether it is an EA or not, it has crossed to many boundaries and it has bother you enough to post about it. I am not sure him saying he would ignore her will happen if he won't let you see the texts. I have been reading a book called his needs/her needs from marriage builder site.

There is also a book called how to survive an affair.

 

Personally my DH better not have a conversation with another woman he can't tell me about. He is essentially telling you he can't tell you about the texts, that are from another woman. Can you straight out ask him if they are sexual in nature?

 

Well I found out that the reason he wouldn't let me see his phone was bc he had conversations with another friend about me. He felt like I had been upset with him constantly and after asking me to not be so upset and getting no results he was asking advice.

Here is my theory on this one. Which I have tried to explain to him.

1. His job gets more stressful and is beginning to neglect thing at the house

2. I get on to him for the 3rd or 4th time about doing some task

3. He is angry because I am angry and gets more stressed out

4. Eventually he starts to turn to friends for comfort

5. Now he is spending even less time at home still forgetting those tasks making me mad and everything just keeps getting worse he looks to his friends more for support

 

You get the idea

 

A theory of mine. He didn't completly agree but he didnt deny either and we agreed that we would both work toward ways to fix it.

 

I asked him to think about the reasons he likes talking to her and why it is better than talk to me. If it is.

 

This is all very difficult with him being away from home but we have had small talks about things and I have already told him that I would like to sit down and discuss in depth when he gets home.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Honestly, I went and read the link for the book about friends posted above. A good point is should a husband be better friends or best friends with another woman. I better be my DH's best friend. He claims needing advice for your marriage. Are you have issues?

 

This is the problem. I wouldn't care if he had a female friend and I trust him completely or want to I guess. But it has gotten to the point where I feel like he is better friends with her than me. I feel like he should be my best friend and I his. And having other friends is great and reccomended.

 

But the second someone feels like they aren't getting something they need out of the relationship then the best friend always comes in first.

 

And part of my problem is allowing us to go out on nights I wanted to spend time at home just the two of us. But at the same time if I want to stay home and he wants to go out with our friends there may be other issues we need to deal with.

 

Hmm. More food for thought.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

I can understand the issue with the tasks at home. DH and I have had huge issues with him neglecting things needing to be done. He gets on his computer and bam the day is gone. We have come up with me making a honey do list. We have been making long range project plans and then short daily plans. Then based on that I put up a list for him. That is how we have chosen to handle it.

 

I understand you are saying you trust him, however seems like you don't. Why can't the friend who confronted him come around anymore? Why was it better you weren't there for the lunch?

 

Perhaps you can say it something like this Husband, I don't feel comfortable with your friendship with. I feel some things have been done which cross the line. If you really value how I feel then you will end the friendship and any and all contact. (things crossing line, lunch without telling or being able to tell, texts you can't see, friends finding it uncomfortable)

 

Most affair busting sites make it a rule to establish no contact. I would request it immediatly and ask it to be cc to you. Does he get how upset you are? Does he get how hurt you are? You appear to be negating your own feelings. Stand up for your marriage and you.

 

Work on meeting his emotional needs.

Edited by BellaBellaBella
Link to post
Share on other sites
Let me say thank you for your opinion. My reason for coming here was to find other opinions on the situation. Thank you for being mean it make me want to be mean and obviously I'm not very good at that.

 

The text situation is a hard one. Because yes I too think I should be allowed to read the texts but... He is upset with me for snooping to read the emails. I will tell that story separately as it may pertain. I also don't like the fact that he is talking to her about our marriage. This is something I will discuss with him in our talk.

 

Sorry for confusion. He told me it was my decision: he would ignore her if I wished and he would not be mad at me because of it.

 

I am definitely not okay with him having an EA. I just wasn't sure if that's what it was.

 

Thanks for responding! And I'm really not a mean person...it just is so hard for me to read your posts because I was in the same situation 2 years ago but didn't know it. I didn't have the relative advantage of seeing it first hand.

 

I think that you have the opportunity to do something about this and you are very lucky. Most BS don't have this opportunity...because they aren't confronted with it directly like you seem to be.

 

Someone here suggested the book, Not Just Friends. I think this is an excellent suggestion. You can find it at your local bookstore, Amazon or maybe even your public library. I only read portions of it because by the time I found out about my husband's affair, it was over. So, it didn't really apply to me. However, in your situation, I think it would be really helpful. Not Just Friends explains the blurry line between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair. It is very easy for someone who is not aware of affairs work (like your husband?) to cross that line.

 

Please go get that book today. The longer this goes on between your H and this other person, the more difficult it will be. Read the book and if you can, get your husband to read it too. (not sure if he is a reader or not-I know my husband isn't)

 

I'm not trying to be sexist, but I think men in particular have a hard time recognizing an emotional affair for what it is. I know my H was shocked and saddened to see how far astray he had gone in his conversations with the other woman. When he looked back at it, he could see how he crossed lines and just allowed himself to do so. I remember asking him how he would have felt if it had been ME who had crossed those lines, had all those texting conversations, etc. My H admitted when he looked at it like that (this was a few months after he had ended the A and his perspective had changed), that he could see how wrong it was.

 

Maybe ask your husband how he would feel if you were texting with a good-looking male co-worker. Ask your H how he would feel if you went to lunch with this guy and didn't tell him.

 

Personally, I think it is very inappropriate what your H is doing. At the very least it is an inappropriate friendship and the gold standards of EA's are certainly present: all the texting, secrets kept from you, discussing your marriage with the other person, etc.

 

Please, go get that book today. It will help you and hopefully your husband see what is happening.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I will have to find this book. I did mention to h thhat I thought it might be or becoming an emotional affair. He mis read the information to mean ANY freindship with a woman is an EA. I explained to him that wasn't true. Of course I am sure he read the first paragraph of one article on the web. I don't know that I will be able to get him to read a book but I want him to understand what it is he is doing. Because it is bound to happen again if he doesn't understand. Also I need to understand what his reasons and feelings were so I can know what I need to do to help our relationship.

 

I agree with you. He had no idea an emotional affair existed adn still doesn't know exactly what it is. He's not big on psychological type stuff because his brain is so logical in nature. Even more so than the average man.

 

I tried the "how would you feel if it was me" gig. He agreed it would make him uncomfortable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

I read the first 1000 pages on kindle of just friends. There are parts that you could have your DH read that might make things clearer to him.

 

There is actually a test to take or think about if it is an emotional affair.

 

Did he agree to discontinue contact?

Edited by BellaBellaBella
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I read the first 1000 pages on kindle of just friends. There are parts that you could have your DH read that might make things clearer to him.

 

There is actually a test to take or think about if it is an emotional affair.

 

Did he agree to discontinue contact?

 

Oh I will have to go look for it on kindle. A test would be good too I think.

 

Yes he agreed. He said a friendship is not worth our marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

The no contact is great news. I found Just friends easy to read. I would also suggest the his needs/ her needs book.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Read the first bit. There is a slight possibility I could get h to read this

 

I will check that out too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

keep reading, you could highlight the parts that pertain. I thought it was interesting. I am not dealing with an EA except with his wonderful computer. But every bit helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So...

We obviously have problems. I am continuing to struggle and I can feel myself falling into a place emotionally I don't want to be.

 

So I told my husband that we needed to talk. Talk about what was wrong and how to fix it. When he came home I didn't want to get into this talk right away. I wanted to have some time together. Enjoy each other for a little bit. So we did. Then we had made previous plan to do something that in hind sight we should have cancelled and spent the time together. This week has been somewhat crazy so far for both of us but we managed to sit down together for dinner yesterday. I'm not sure how it came up but it did and I said I still wanted to have our talk. He proceeded to think that everything was fine or at least better. I explained to him that there were still things that were bothering me and I wanted to get an understanding of what was bothering him. He wanted to proceed with having the talk right there in the restraunt and I managed to convince that wasn't the right time or place. He then immediately picked up his phone and started texting his friend who he has confided in about our relationship problems. This bothered me right away but I noted it as something I would get to when we talked. He left to head home before I did and I followed maybe 30 min after I was trying not to be rude to the other we were dining with. When I got home I was about to say let's talk now but he was trying to do some work so I decided it could wait. He is very stressed at work which is probably part of the issue.

Today seemed fine I left for work happy because something else temporarily got last night off my mine. As the day went on it started bothering me that we did not have the talk and for some reason unknown to me I decided to snoop at his phone bill again. I found that he had a long conversation with a friend that by the time probably ended when I pulled into the garage. Not cool. Being the coward that I am I didn't say anything specifically to him right away but posted that I was having a bad day. He called me and asked me what was up and I confessed that I snooped and what I had found and that I was upset. He said he had every right to have a conversation with a friend. I said you are correct but I have a feeling this conversation had to do with you and I and I am hurt that you were able to have a long conversation but when I got home you couldn't talk to me. He didn't ever give a good response and I got angry and said that I felt that if he wasn't willing to try than we might as well give up. Definitely the wrong thing to say but I was angry. He said fine I won't come home tonight and hung up. I imediatly retracted what I said and said that the only reason I said that was because I felt like he wasn't putting forth the effort. His response was that me stalki him meant that I had given up. And here we are. He is still working but I don't know if he is coming home or not and now I don't know what to do. I of course don't want to throw in the towel but I feel like maybe he has. Is wanting to see the texts and emails really to much to ask? This is what I really want but he refuses. How do I get it through his thick skull that it is bothering me and I need to know and that's why I feel I need to snoop. Thing is when I snoop I always seem to find something. I know he is not having an affair but I need to know for sure I guess.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

confused, Are you having that many problems prior to this? Was this call to the woman???? Write to him and tell him that you love him and really want your marriage to work and be happy. Ask to please come home and speak to you.

 

When he comes home, be nice and calm. Tell him the truth, he does have the right to have friends. Tell him your marriage is more important then anything and that you would like to know how he would feel in the same postition.

 

Keep the faith!!!!! Look at how to survive an affair. Look at emotional needs questions and find out what his are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the response.

 

I didn't think we were having any problems other than a disagreement over something small. And he said I was moody when i would ask him to do things several times and he never did them. (one thing in particular he still hasn't done and I gave up nagging after 2 months it's been at least 2 months since I last said something about it too)

 

Hopefully he will come home.

 

Great advice thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

Did you read in the book of what to do when you find out about an affair?

 

Was the call to the woman? The other question I have is if you can get to his car to allegedly leave a note under the wiper. Put a gps on it.

 

Stop confessing to snooping, you are in a war to save your marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I didn't get to that part yet. I really need to go finish it.

 

He actually talked to multiple people the first one I KNOW was about our fight it was to the same person he has already admitted to having conversations about us with not the other woman. Then he called her and talked to her for even longer. I can't be sure what they talked about of course but my gut tells me us. Although I'm not sure I believe it. There is a reason there is contact when I said no contact let me explain.

 

She was invited not by us to an event and h said we can cancel and I said no. I actually ended up talking or her a lot that night and no longer feel they are having an affair at all. I still think there is a potential for an EA but I don't think it ever got to that point and I don't think it will. After reading parts of that book I understood better. I also got a chance to talk to her more one on one and was able to see into her mind.

 

But now my issue is him going to other people about our problems and not me.

 

It boils down to I wish I didn't have to snoop. I'm not ashamed to tell him I'm snooping because if I want the truth out of him he should get the truth out of me. If I know he talked to a friend there has to be a reason. I wouldn't even be able to bring it up that that bothered me if I don't admit to snooping.

 

I can track him if I need to or if he doesn't come home. Plus I don't want to drive all the way to his car because if he is coming home I want to be here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

I understand you feel you need to get the truth out of him. What I am suggesting is that you don't tell him your snooping because then you have no resources. There are cases where the OW, snowballed the wife right to her face in regards to being her friend. Did you lift no contact in regards to calls. If he spoke to the friend about the problem, why does he need to call her.

 

His behavior seems very controlling and shifting blame for someone who has nothing to hide. Your asking him to talk to you and he is running to other people. Then he blames you for being upset. I am sorry but I do think it is highly likely he is in affairland. If he isn't and you don't have problems then why is he so angry?

 

Keep in touch.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jenifer1972

There are so many red flags here, it could be a bull fight. It is so classic. He and she are using all the cliches. And you are wayyy too nice.

 

Look at the facts:

-you see them go off together for a little secret chat. What they are doing is so obvious to certain people that they refuse to be around them.

-many emails, many texts, Loooong phone calls, all innocent? I think NOT!

He has NO BUSINESS talking to another single good looking woman about his marital problems. This is a classic ploy of how affairs start.

 

-now here's a BIG one...doesn't seem obvious but it is HUGE. Both of them WANT you to be HER friend. The ultimate collusion to assuage your fears so they can carry on their EA.

 

-then HUGE fight when you demand to see the texts. You have every RIGHT given what you have seen so far to DEMAND to see them. He goes off in a huff. Oh, and it's all YOUR fault. You pick on him too much at home...blah, blah, blah. This is GASLIGHTING. Look that up. It is CLASSIC in your case.

 

Stop apologizing for snooping. You have every right to see if another woman is trying to steal your husband, and she is. Stop apologizing for anything. You are way too passive and nice, and you will lose him if you don't get a backbone and confront this. Seriously..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just want to point out that while I agree you should remain vigilant, and should not just blithely wait to get blindsided, I don't recall seeing anything really conclusive to suggest an actual affair. I understand your concern and I would have the same concerns, but I would curb the full disclosure policy on your side investigations...

 

A lot of us here on FB are damaged by stuff that we have been through and some things do seem overwhelmingly suspect when we hear them, but I do think you need to be careful about walking the line between not being fooled and not catapulting into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I only mean that if nothing has been going on so far, the snooping and the discussing it to death could make your husband start to feel smothered and like you're crawling up his ass constantly. This could make him crave privacy even more, and feel like needing to talk to someone even more...then they become very understanding and sympathetic and voila...I think it is also pretty likely that he will start to cover his tracks more even if nothing is going on because he doesn't want to have a huge discussion every time he has a conversation with someone else.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am a jealous type and I would definitely be looking for red flags. But I agree that I would not bring up the snooping all the time. If you don't find anything, just let it go. I would only confront him about things that truly need explanation.

 

You do want to protect yourself but you don't want to drive him away...it sounds like he has overall been accomodating of your feelings to a point but his feeling the need to talk to someone else is increasing and that can get dangerous. And I know you'd hate to see an affair spring up OUT OF your fears of an affair. I am NOT saying that he would not be accountable in that case, just that this is how things sometimes play out.

 

Maybe you should just tell him that you admit to your insecurities but that if he does need to talk to another party about it, you would rather he talk to a professional counselor. Because not only does it make you feel icky to be talked about to strangers/friends, you don't particularly trust that they as non-professionals are in any position to give him worthwhile advice or input...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I just want to point out that while I agree you should remain vigilant, and should not just blithely wait to get blindsided, I don't recall seeing anything really conclusive to suggest an actual affair. I understand your concern and I would have the same concerns, but I would curb the full disclosure policy on your side investigations...

 

A lot of us here on FB are damaged by stuff that we have been through and some things do seem overwhelmingly suspect when we hear them, but I do think you need to be careful about walking the line between not being fooled and not catapulting into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I only mean that if nothing has been going on so far, the snooping and the discussing it to death could make your husband start to feel smothered and like you're crawling up his ass constantly. This could make him crave privacy even more, and feel like needing to talk to someone even more...then they become very understanding and sympathetic and voila...I think it is also pretty likely that he will start to cover his tracks more even if nothing is going on because he doesn't want to have a huge discussion every time he has a conversation with someone else.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am a jealous type and I would definitely be looking for red flags. But I agree that I would not bring up the snooping all the time. If you don't find anything, just let it go. I would only confront him about things that truly need explanation.

 

You do want to protect yourself but you don't want to drive him away...it sounds like he has overall been accomodating of your feelings to a point but his feeling the need to talk to someone else is increasing and that can get dangerous. And I know you'd hate to see an affair spring up OUT OF your fears of an affair. I am NOT saying that he would not be accountable in that case, just that this is how things sometimes play out.

 

Maybe you should just tell him that you admit to your insecurities but that if he does need to talk to another party about it, you would rather he talk to a professional counselor. Because not only does it make you feel icky to be talked about to strangers/friends, you don't particularly trust that they as non-professionals are in any position to give him worthwhile advice or input...

 

Thanks for this it helped a lot reading this because I am of the belief this is closest to the truth. I know how it looks but I still don't believe there is an affair going on at all.

He is quite mad over the snooping. In fact so mad that trying to talk through things was useless but I tried anyway. He didn't want to talk and insisted that it was the same problems as before he didn't want to be nagged anymore. I tried to ask him why he felt he needed to continually talk to others if it was the same problem. He said because I continued to make him angry by snooping. Eventually we gave up because the conversation was not getting anywhere. I asked him to come to me next time something was bothering him about us. He claimed there was nothing wrong with going to a friend. I agreed that I didn't mind him going to a friend as long as he was planning to talk with me about the issue but if he needed to talk with his friend in order to know how to come to me that was fine. After all I am coming here for advice. And when he had a long conversation with the other woman he claims he was trying to get his mind off our fight. I told him I felt like he couldn't even have a conversation of any kind with me for that long and told him of many instances when he talked to her for a long period of time. He just told me I was ridiculous and that we talk all the time. I tried to explain that discussing if the electric bill got paid in between commercial was not talking. We don't talk. Although we have many things we could talk about we hardly do. And I feel like we used to at least some. I explained that I wanted him to come home and feel like I was there to help him forget about his stressful day and unwind. He didn't seem to think this was possible but did not disagree. We left it at that. Today I didn't talk to him at all. I emailed him once to let him know something and didn't expect a reply.

After work I called him and got no answer. He often has late afternoon meetings so I texted him and asked if he knew when he was getting off. He replied he was already off. I then said something like oh I figured you were still working. He never replied. He still isn't home 4 hours later. I know where he is. I have refused to let myself snoop but I know where he is and I don't feel like barging in there to retrieve my husband. I thought about leaving I even got in the car and drove for about an hour. But came home. I know he is discussing us with the friend again but now I'm not sure if he is coming home. I'm refusing to call of text at this point. I don't want to seem like I'm nagging. I know you will all say you're being to nice but the trying to be mean way and insisting on snooping thing wasn't working so I am going to try it this way. I am wondering though what should I do when he gets home. Too much longer and I will be asleep but should I talk to him or ask him anything or just let it be and let him speak first. Usually when he goes out he tells me and invites me. He did not although had I asked where he was I am sure he would have said to come. I want to trust him so I am going to they and trust him.

 

Your last paragraph luvstarved was exactly what I would like to say. This person is not married nor are they looking for a serious relationship. She just broke up with her girlfriend because what I can tell it was getting to serious. Not exactly the person who should be giving advice in my opinion. But she is a very good listener. I know this first hand as I have had conversations with her as well.

 

I do feel like I am being talked about behind my back this evening. A pretty crappy feeling. I will discuss that with him. Unfortuantly we have guests this weekend and will not have much time alone so if he doesn't come home tonight I'm not sure what I willbe doing about that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

Confused, I think your in a fog. I do think your DH is in no less then an EA. He is making this all about you being in the wrong and your taking it.

 

He is probably going to come home expecting you to blow up. Change it up. Say welcome home honey! Ask, him how his day was, tell him about yours. This guy is detaching from you and planning to leave. I was just about to go to bed.

 

Then do some reading on marriage builders etc. This guy has you buffaloed. This guy isn't your husband and doesn't want to here anything you have to say. He is in an EA with that one at the least.

 

I think your out of your mind if you don't try and find out what is going on.

People don't get that angry over snooping if there is nothing to hide.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...