Author Confused98 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 Don't know. I showed up at his friends house after he left once and he didn't like that so he won't tell me anymore. Like I said I did some crazy things. Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 Don't know. I showed up at his friends house after he left once and he didn't like that so he won't tell me anymore. Like I said I did some crazy things. Is it possible that he could be at ow house? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 At this point I don't care. I don't think so. I want him home. Whether he's staying at her house or a hotel doesn't make it hurt worse or less. Even if he was having an affair that is not really the problem. Plus I don't think he is. It would hurt more if he was but I'm hurt when he's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 He is refusing to talk to me. I asked if I could talk to him to explain my plan. I think he has fully given up. I can't do this. Link to post Share on other sites
fit Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 He is refusing to talk to me. I asked if I could talk to him to explain my plan. I think he has fully given up. I can't do this. I have some experience in this area Confused. On both sides. The best thing for you to do is stop talking to him, stop clinging to him. Human nature is that people always want what they cant have or is a little out of their reach. Be that "thing" that he cant have. If he never comes back...than its just not meant to be. At the very least, you leave with your dignity. I know this is much easier to say then do...but it does work, unless hes just having a full blown affair. And if he is...why do you want him ? Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 At this point you definitely should leave him alone. Don't try to talk to him or bring it up because it is pushing him further away. Its going to be very difficult because I think you want nothing more than to deal with it because its tearing you up inside. But like you said previously, it doesn't matter how much you want to talk if he doesn't want to. At this point, you need to take your space and keep your distance. He is showing no interest in you right now. Maybe he really is fed up in the marriage and his mind is elsewhere or maybe he is having a relationship with another ow. I don't think anything is really clear at this point. The only thing that's clear is that he wants his space MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY. Being clingy, desperate, or pushy is just going to make him view you as more unattractive. Do you have a friend you could meet up with? Try to get out of the house. You need to be the one to get out of the house for a change. Put him in your shoes and make HIM think. DON'T CALL HIM. DON'T TEXT HIM. AND DON'T EMAIL HIM. Give it a rest. Is it going to be hard? YES! It might be damn near irresistible because the more he pushes you away, the more you seem to want to cling and push. You have to stop that because it is not working. Give him his space but don't stop your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 He did talk to me. I told him the take a week at a time idea. He didn't say no. He said. I'd not think you understand that I am not sure there is a timeline anymore. Or something like that. Or in other words he is ready to give up. He didn't say whether or not he was coming home. He said he was going to dinner but when I asked if he was coming home he said I don't know. I assume he will need to come home at some point unless he is planning on going to the store to buy clothes. He only had one change of clothes with him when he left last night and I doubt he made it home in the middle of the day to pack a bag. During our conversation he said something that stuck in my head. I can't remember exactly what it was but it was something about the talk last night and that he didn't want to get into it right then. Like he is afraid of what he might say like what he would say would hurt me. I want to tell him I want the truth. The truth I'd better than nothing even if it's bad. Then he said something that got to me. I told him that I was feeling very alone and I didn't know what to do (the truth) he said he felt alone too. I wanted to be like well dummy I'm here I'm waiting for you I want you home and sleeping in my bed but I didn't. He said he had to go after that so I let him go. Anyway for my sake I hope he comes back tonight. I am going to try my hardest to not call him. Link to post Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 Confused, Stop begging him. Email him and say the ball is in your court and then go no contact, tell him about the one week thing and leave it be. Even if it means you have to leave your cell phone at the office. Then get some counseling. Come on here and read posts, go to marriage builders and read there stuff. You have done all you can and you are making it worse. Bella Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 I have some experience in this area Confused. On both sides. The best thing for you to do is stop talking to him, stop clinging to him. Human nature is that people always want what they cant have or is a little out of their reach. Be that "thing" that he cant have. If he never comes back...than its just not meant to be. At the very least, you leave with your dignity. I know this is much easier to say then do...but it does work, unless hes just having a full blown affair. And if he is...why do you want him ? yep, all true. he's having an affair. you can fix any of it for him... it is HIS to fix. what YOU can do is to start fixing yourself. MY happiness is not based on another person. you need to get to that healthy mindset as well. stop talking to him at all. do not allow him to come home. he's made it perfectly clear what he does or doesn't intend to do... follow the prompts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 At this point you definitely should leave him alone. Don't try to talk to him or bring it up because it is pushing him further away. Its going to be very difficult because I think you want nothing more than to deal with it because its tearing you up inside. But like you said previously, it doesn't matter how much you want to talk if he doesn't want to. At this point, you need to take your space and keep your distance. He is showing no interest in you right now. Maybe he really is fed up in the marriage and his mind is elsewhere or maybe he is having a relationship with another ow. I don't think anything is really clear at this point. The only thing that's clear is that he wants his space MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY. Being clingy, desperate, or pushy is just going to make him view you as more unattractive. Do you have a friend you could meet up with? Try to get out of the house. You need to be the one to get out of the house for a change. Put him in your shoes and make HIM think. DON'T CALL HIM. DON'T TEXT HIM. AND DON'T EMAIL HIM. Give it a rest. Is it going to be hard? YES! It might be damn near irresistible because the more he pushes you away, the more you seem to want to cling and push. You have to stop that because it is not working. Give him his space but don't stop your life. Most of my friends that live in town either have families of their own and kids to take care of or their husbands are friends with him. But I will try to get out of the house with someone. Yes it will be very hard but I will attempt to not call him. I don't know how I will react if he does not come home tonight but if I have to lock my phone in a drawer I will do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Share Posted August 16, 2010 Confused, Stop begging him. Email him and say the ball is in your court and then go no contact, tell him about the one week thing and leave it be. Even if it means you have to leave your cell phone at the office. Then get some counseling. Come on here and read posts, go to marriage builders and read there stuff. You have done all you can and you are making it worse. Bella I looked into the counseling. Found a few places during lunch. I was going to do some research after I eat some dinner and find the best one to fit my needs. If he calls me should I ignore it? I don't think I would be able to but is that the idea. Link to post Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 If he doesn't come home you will survive. It will be hard, but you will survive. I think perhaps you need some distance to. I know your hurting. Things could be worse then they are. I know you don't believe it now. However, do not call him. Exercise tonight and take care of yourself. Can you walk your dogs tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 I agree with Bella. Send him a simple text and tell him the ball is in his court. Nothing else. Don't call him. Don't text. Don't email. Let it be. Its going to be so hard but you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 And if you get tempted to call him, just come on here. Read through the posts. Type away. You can really open yourself up here and no one is going to judge you. Link to post Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella Posted August 16, 2010 Share Posted August 16, 2010 Confused whem he calls be an active listener. Do not think about what you want to say. What he says and then form your answer. Please do this as your not even remembering what he says. Perhaps what he is saying is he wants to run the time line. Here is when you basically say, you get that but you need a week by week update. Even if he wants to send you I'm not ready to talk yet about the relationship text. When you do talk to him, tell him. I am arranging counseling and am working hard. I would love it if we could do MC, but regardless I need individual counseling. I do need a text on sunday morning as to if we are extending the space issue or not. By giving me a don't ask me limit I can cope with this. However, its the in the air thing that is driving me insane. I love you, realize we both have made mistakes in our marriage and I am willing to work and wait. Please listen to him when he speaks. If he comes in the house, say hello and look him in the eyes and then leave the room. Link to post Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Confused you have private emails now, I sent you one. It is in upper right hand corner. Bella Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Share Posted August 17, 2010 Quick update. Things went badly last night when he came to pack to leave. He said he was getting an apartment I begged and was stupid. Then I came to a realization that I am trying to keep in my head even though my heart is ripping put of my chest. He is not in love with me anymore. And it has been a while since he has been. I know deep down he still loves me and cares for me but I think there is a difference. He didn't say the words exactly but he made me believe that he was never going to sit down with me and talk about what we both need in the relationship. So I have put the ball in his court. I wrote him a letter and said that I would leave him alone. We can't afford to pay for our house and an apartment but I said he could put the house up for sale if that's how he felt I also told him that he could stay at the house and I would leave him alone. We should be able to avoid each other pretty well there. I told him that I could see he was no longer in love with him and that although I wanted to work things out he seemed like he did not. I also said I am there if he ever needed to talk to me. He didn't reply. This morning I spoke to him briefly as he was leaving to explain that we really couldn't afford an apt. He said he didn't think he could stay there and he was tired of crashing on friends couches. I again said that I would leave him alone. He had a couple changes of clothes packed and everything so I assume he is staying elsewhere tonight. What happens next. I know at this point I need to leave him alone but I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 you both need to clear your head. Give him his space. If he wants to get an apt, then he clearly does not want to be around you. Either he is fed up with the marriage (which must mean that there have been some issues going on for quite some time?) or he is far off in affair land. If he is gaining feelings for another woman, then there is nothing that you can do to make him love you. Give him his space confused. You should not have to beg your husband to stay. And he won't even sit down with you to tell you what's really going on. You deserve better. Remind yourself of that. Do your friends and family know what is going on? You should definitely talk to someone. Again, for now just try to relax. Let him be. Clear your head and just take some time for yourself. Don't call him or text him or email him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Share Posted August 17, 2010 I am trying to stay calm today. But I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how to tell anyone. I don't know what to say. Why is he doing this to me. Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 "I am trying to stay calm today. But I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how to tell anyone. I don't know what to say. Why is he doing this to me." You have to talk to someone or YOU WILL go crazy. You said most of your friends know the both of you, but maybe that's not so bad. Unless you guys have just been living a lie, then surely one of your friends could give you some insight. Just don't try to do this alone. As far as why he's doing this, i don't think that is totally clear. Either he's falling for someone else or he just doesn't care anymore. You just have to remind yourself that you do not deserve this. You can't beg anyone to be with you. Give it time. At this point you have to see where this all goes. Maybe he is going through a phase or something? But in the end, it is still not fair to you. I know you love your husband, but if he truly loved and cared about you, he wouldn't be doing this. Do you guys have children? I think I read that you do not? Link to post Share on other sites
kuma Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Quick update. Things went badly last night when he came to pack to leave. He said he was getting an apartment I begged and was stupid. Then I came to a realization that I am trying to keep in my head even though my heart is ripping put of my chest. He is not in love with me anymore. And it has been a while since he has been. I know deep down he still loves me and cares for me but I think there is a difference. He didn't say the words exactly but he made me believe that he was never going to sit down with me and talk about what we both need in the relationship. So I have put the ball in his court. I wrote him a letter and said that I would leave him alone. We can't afford to pay for our house and an apartment but I said he could put the house up for sale if that's how he felt I also told him that he could stay at the house and I would leave him alone. We should be able to avoid each other pretty well there. I told him that I could see he was no longer in love with him and that although I wanted to work things out he seemed like he did not. I also said I am there if he ever needed to talk to me. He didn't reply. This morning I spoke to him briefly as he was leaving to explain that we really couldn't afford an apt. He said he didn't think he could stay there and he was tired of crashing on friends couches. I again said that I would leave him alone. He had a couple changes of clothes packed and everything so I assume he is staying elsewhere tonight. What happens next. I know at this point I need to leave him alone but I don't know what to do. Confused, you did nothing wrong. He thinks everything is your fault. You have to change your attitude. Stop waiting for him to come home. Get busy. Make a 'things to do list'. Get a haircut. Go to the gym. Go out with your friends. Read books. Make new friends. Focus on yourself. Don't beg him anymore. Let him see that you can do very well without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Share Posted August 17, 2010 I'm just not sure he will see I am pretty sure he's never coming home. I am afraid he doesnt care anymore. He called me codependent last night which is probably true or I have tendencies atleast. No children thank goodness. I feel bad enough about how he is treating the dogs. I don't want to go to any of the friends. I have a feeling they will all "take his side" plus I don't know how much they do or don't know. Because all this has been going on I have not been around because he was with most of our friends. He has gone out to dinner several times while I stayed home and wasn't invited. For all I know they don't know anything and he told them I was busy. Or they all have encouraged him to leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused98 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Share Posted August 17, 2010 I am going to make an effort to just relax tonight. Not go all crazy and worry and read a bunch of stuff on the Internet. I've done enough of that and I will have plenty of time to do more. I plan to watch a movie and take the dogs for a walk and read a book or something. I am having a hard time not contacting him but I haven't all day. I couldn't stop myself from driving by his usual after work hang out spot. When I saw his car there it made me feel a little better. Atleast he was there and not looking for an apt. I doubt he had time to go and find an apt and although I know he's not coming home tonight atleast I know he hasnt made any permanent arrangements yet. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 have you done anything terribly wrong? you act like it - but i haven't read anything here... stop blaming yourself. read co-dependent no more. it helps. go get counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
funnyluv Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 Try to take it one day at a time. Come here if you need to vent or if you think you are going to break down. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts