Am I crazy?

[Confused98]

He contacted me this morning. What do I say?

[funnyluv]

What did he say when he contacted you?

[BellaBellaBella]

Tell him your heart feels like it has been ripped out and your physically ill.

 

Tell him the truth. Just keep it one line.

[New_Life08]

Are you kidding me? One of your other friends recognizes this so much he or she will not even go out with you guys anymore?

 

Just so you realize...the secretive conversations are for a reason. The content is probably inappropriate...so they hide it from you. It is as if they have their own relationship aside from you. That isn't going to work...you need to put your foot down. They should in no way have so many texts between them. You have every right to interfere.

 

Here is what you should tell him: "I have given you a privilege to keep this emotional affair with this woman...so here's the deal...she is not YOUR friend she is OUR friend and she is going to have to be a friend to our marriage, not just you. If she needs a shoulder to cry on about her interpersonal problems, she can talk to both of us...not just you. There will be no more secretive discussions or private texts between you two that I don't know about. It makes me feel uncomfortable and it is disrespectful to me and our marriage. If you can't respect my boundaries with this then we are going to have bigger problems."

 

You are going to have to be firm about it; if you tend to be passive and beat around the bush he is not going to take you seriously. if he is not too far gone, he may even feel flattered that you care so much.

 

All my best...

[Confused98]

What did he say when he contacted you?

 

I probably should said that huh. He very simply asked if I was okay. Nothing else. I said I was not ok but I was trying. I told him I missed him and asked how he was. It kept it very short.

 

If I had to guess he was checking up on me because I had zero contact with him or anybody he talks to for 24 hours. Not even a facebook post. I plan to continue that as long as possible. It's killing me but I am not going to initiate contact. He hasn't responded to me yet. When he left he only took like 3 or 4 shirts so I figure he will have to come back soon enough. When he does I will do what I should have done the other night like Bella said. Look him in the eye and tell him hello and not go crazy. Then get back to what I am doing. I wish I had let him do this and not gone crazy that he was packing and saying he was getting an apt. Even if he starts packing a bigger bag.

[Confused98]

Tell him your heart feels like it has been ripped out and your physically ill.

 

Tell him the truth. Just keep it one line.

 

This is exactly what I wanted to say but I went a little less dramatic with it. I actually have typed that in twitter 3 or 4 times to post but then chickened out. Showing him that I am in pain will probably push him further away. He wants me to stop clinging to him. So I am going to stop clinging.

[Confused98]

So I asked him how he was doing.

 

He replied:

I dunno. :/

 

Trying to decipher what this means. And what or if I should say anything back.

[funnyluv]

So I asked him how he was doing.

 

He replied:

I dunno. :/

 

Trying to decipher what this means. And what or if I should say anything back.

 

Sounds like he could be second guessing himself but you never know. I'm sure he has a lot on his mind too.

 

Just keep up what you are doing. No contact. You left the ball in his court so keep it there.

[BellaBellaBella]

I don't know what to say. You told him the ball is in your court. Just reply, the ball is still in your court and send him a marriage counseling time.

[funnyluv]

Hey Confused,

 

Piggybacking on Bella's comment- have you ever mentioned marriage counseling to him?

[Confused98]

Sounds like he could be second guessing himself but you never know. I'm sure he has a lot on his mind too.

 

Just keep up what you are doing. No contact. You left the ball in his court so keep it there.

I was thinking that too. I know he is hurting too. Underneath all the anger. He still loves me. He has told me he is hurting. And he told me he feels alone also. Which makes me think he is not talking to his friends about it.

 

I don't know what to say. You told him the ball is in your court. Just reply, the ball is still in your court and send him a marriage counseling time.

 

Yea I'm trying to think of the best way to say it. And reiterate the letter I wrote him the other night. I was reading some stuff don't remember where but it said to start out small. Like meet for coffee, but that's meant for people who are separated for long periods of time I think.

 

I think this could be a key conversation if I respond in a certain way. It could send him away or make him want to come home. I will think about this for a little while before I send anything. But I do think I will reply with a simple short response of some sort.

[Confused98]

Hey Confused,

 

Piggybacking on Bella's comment- have you ever mentioned marriage counseling to him?

 

Not directly. When I mentioned that I was reading some books and there were some worksheets that I was interested in filling out he said something about psychology mumbo jumbo. Plus I know him. He doesn't really believe in that kind of stuff. We did pee marriage counseling bc it was required but it was only 2 short standard sessions. And it was mostly about opening up to make sure we knew what each others ideas were on things like kids, how to spend money and house chores and we basically agree on everything like that.

 

When I asked about looking through the worksheets he was angry so that didn't help but if he felt that way even when angry I'm not sure he would put his whole heart into it. And if he's not going to try than there's no point in going to MC for us. (still might be beneficial for me of course) and I an looking into it along with possibly some individual counseling.

[Confused98]

How about:

 

I am sorry you feel confused, so do I. I am always here for you if you need me. I still love you with all my heart and I want to see you happy.

 

 

What do you think?

[BellaBellaBella]

I think go with a restrained gut. Everything needs to be restrained, on your part. Perhaps being without you and you not being desparate will change things.

[sunshinegirl]

Confused, I too have read through this entire thread. I really thought there would be a turn-around for awhile, so I'm sorry it's gotten to this place.

 

It seemed at first that your H was extremely open with you about the friendship with the woman, always invited you, it all seemed on the up-and-up.

 

You got suspicious, did some snooping. Didn't turn up anything conclusive, in fact a few times you decided there WASN'T an affair going on. Some on this thread arraigned, convicted, and hanged him anyway, exacerbating your fears and probably contributing to your further snooping, clinging, begging, etc. Your husband explicitly offered to end the friendship, and you did not take him up on it. Had you done so, and THEN found evidence of continuing contact, you would have had more of a case for an affair.

 

Anyway, for the first half of this thread I sympathized much more with your H. He seemed to be including you, inviting you, offering to end the friendship. For him to then be continually suspected of cheating must have felt like a catch-22 and I could definitely see why he would get mad and close down.

 

That was the first half of the thread. At this stage, however, my sympathies are shifting in your direction because his blatant and ongoing lack of communication and engagement with you is hurtful and selfish.

 

My only question is: you were together for 6 years before marriage, and you've now been married 2 years. What is your history of communication with each other? How have you handled disagreements in the past? And is this total breakdown in communication an aberration from prior patterns, or have you two always had problems addressing your differences?

 

I was also looking for, but did not see, you describe any interaction with him in which you focused solely on listening to him and his perspective, story, feelings, and needs. You seem to describe instances in which you are focused only on telling him over and over and over again how hurt YOU are. or TELLING him to talk to you.

 

A thoughtful, caring QUESTION to him from you might open the floodgates.

 

Unless he's just a clam and has no ability to discuss his internal state?

[Confused98]

Our past fights have usually been about small stuff. One would blame the other and somehow we were in a huge fight. Or we would get frustrated over something and one of us would yell at the other. Afterwords we usually made up because it was stuff that wasn't worth fighting over in the first place.

 

I probably should be more open to communication but I think he needs to be too.

 

What would be a good question to ask?

With the response I got today specifically.

 

I don't want to drive him further away.

[2sunny]

Our past fights have usually been about small stuff. One would blame the other and somehow we were in a huge fight. Or we would get frustrated over something and one of us would yell at the other. Afterwords we usually made up because it was stuff that wasn't worth fighting over in the first place.

 

I probably should be more open to communication but I think he needs to be too.

 

What would be a good question to ask?

With the response I got today specifically.

 

I don't want to drive him further away.

 

there is no need to communicate - he NEVER asked you a question that needs answering when he sent the "i dunno"

 

you have BOTH driven a wedge between the two of you. stay away for now - let the dust settle. go to counseling on your own - you need to set a solid boundary. not one that lets him and his girl "friend" walk all over you and your marriage. a boundary that sets the guideline so firm that you don't communicate to him as long as he puts his time, energy and attention to another woman besides his wife.

 

there is NOT ONE thing to discuss as long as she is in the picture. tell him exactly that. he knows... he knows HE is the one that has done this to your M - not you. when he removes her from the M - then you MAY have some things to discuss. seek counseling.

[GorillaTheater]

What would be a good question to ask?

With the response I got today specifically.

 

I don't want to drive him further away.

 

I'm very sorry that you're going through this mess. I don't know if anyone has mentioned the "180 list", but you may have reached the point where it's applicable. It's very counterintuitive, but I think it can help restore a marriage and even more importantly get you to a healthy place.

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

I hope this helps.

[sunshinegirl]

Our past fights have usually been about small stuff. One would blame the other and somehow we were in a huge fight. Or we would get frustrated over something and one of us would yell at the other. Afterwords we usually made up because it was stuff that wasn't worth fighting over in the first place.

 

I probably should be more open to communication but I think he needs to be too.

 

What would be a good question to ask?

With the response I got today specifically.

 

I don't want to drive him further away.

 

Agree with Sunny that now is not the time to reply to his "dunno".

 

Presumably at some point you will be face-to-face.

 

Unlike some others, I am still not convinced the work woman is an OW; I am thinking about how to get him to talk so you can get at the root of things.

 

So you will have to carefully determine when it would be a good time to ask some of the following kinds of questions -- and they need to be asked out of care and concern, not defensiveness or accusation or blame. If you can't do that, then don't bother asking.

 

-Where do you think things went wrong?

-What impact have my actions had on you?

-What has been hardest about this for you?

-What do you wish I had done differently?

-[if there's an opening] What do you wish you had done differently?

 

Please note that the last question is NOT the place for you to say what YOU wish he had done differently. This is to get HIM to reflect on his actions and give you some insight into how he is thinking.

 

It's probably going to be very hard for you to not argue, rebut, shoot down, or otherwise dismiss certain things he says, but I would say that until you can both learn to listen to each other without doing those things, you're not going to get very far in salvaging your marriage.

 

Pretend you're a journalist and your job is to write an article about his side of the story - adopting that mentality may help you stay in listening and learning mode.

 

Please also note that if he were definitively cheating my advice would be completely different!! I'm not convinced that he is/did/was, though, and to my mind it can only help you to assume his innocence, at least for now.

 

My two cents. Good luck!

[Confused98]

I an going to reply in more detail when in not supposed to be working but for the record in case you have not gathered this from what I've said

 

I no longer believe he is or was having an affair.

 

And me accusing him is going to make things worse. That is of course the biggest reason he was angry was when I snooped essentially telling him I didn't trust him.

[funnyluv]

How about:

 

I am sorry you feel confused, so do I. I am always here for you if you need me. I still love you with all my heart and I want to see you happy.

 

 

What do you think?

 

Don't say this. It comes across as you trying to pounce on any little bit of communication he gives you. Besides, why would you tell him you are sorry for him being confused? And I think he knows that you are there for him and that you love him. He's the one who left remember? So he should be the one telling you these things.

 

Just wait it out.

 

I think you are getting some excellent advice here. Take this time to reflect. Think about what went wrong. Just try not to be overly desperate. He is the one who needs to come to you.

[funnyluv]

 

I think this could be a key conversation if I respond in a certain way. It could send him away or make him want to come home. I will think about this for a little while before I send anything. But I do think I will reply with a simple short response of some sort.

 

Confused- I wouldn't reply with anything. You asked him how he was doing and the only thing he replied with was "i dunno." Doesn't sound like he's ready to open up. Give him his space and let him think.

[Confused98]

He called while I was on my way home. He said he is coming home to talk. Specifics in a few.

[sunshinegirl]

He called while I was on my way home. He said he is coming home to talk. Specifics in a few.

 

If at all possible, see if you can focus on listening and learning from him. Less about you and your hurt & needs in this conversation, more about what's going on in his head & heart.

 

Good luck, Confused. (((hugs)))

[Confused98]

So he called. I answered.

H- what are you up to?

Me- sitting in traffic trying to make it home. Are you still working?

H- yeah probably for another hour

Silence probably a lot shorter than it felt

Me- well do you want to get some dinner when you are done?

H- well I already have dinner plans but I am going to come home after and we can talk.

Me- okay see you then

H- ok bye

 

This isn't word for word but you get the point. While thing was less than a minute.

 

I am trying to not get excited or stressed over it. I am going to continue the night as I would have if he weren't coming home. I plan to stay calm during the talk no matter what. I can't change what he is going to say whether it is good or bad. Any advice?