Desperate

[Medgirl]

Hi everyone. As some of you may have read I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. I told him I needed time to get over him and stuff, but he was ill so he called me for help since he had no one else. I ended up driving him to the doctor, driving him to the grocery store, driving him to get his prescriptions filled, and calling him everyday to make sure that he was ok regardless that I was hurting. Well all that led us to get back together. We never officially said we were back together but we started telling eachother we loved eachother again and he introduced me as his girlfriend to his friends. The breaking up gave me a whole new view on our relationship which allowed me to overcome my jealous tendancys. I quit being jealous over his female friends and I quit being jealous over his exwife. I guess just being friends gave me a whole new perspective. Well, things were going well until he quit taking his antidepressants. He can't afford them anymore so he's totally out. Ever since then he has had ups and downs as expected from someone with depression. However, when he'd get down he'd try to push me away which hurt me very badly because I was feeling so good about our relationship again. He'd get cold towards me and he seemed to get angry at me more often. I started always feeling nervous whenever I saw him because I didn't know whether he was going to get angry at me for something or love me. Well, last night he went down again and started acting cold towards me and trying to push me away. I cried and cried to him and explained to him how this hurt me. We talked and he apologized for making me cry so much. Today he came over and things were going fine until I got a text message from my friend. I met this friend on the internet about a year ago and there was never anything between us. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that the guy text messaging was only a friend. I finally told him that I haven't even met this guy and that I met him on the internet. Then I read him one of his messages that said "Congradulations on getting back together with your boyfriend" and my boyfriend totally flipped out on me. He told me that I have no right to whine about the girls he talks to and he can't believe that I was bulls****ing this whole time. Then he told me that when I move away that it was over because he can't trust me anymore. He was upset that the whole time I was getting jealous about the girls he talked to I was talking to a guy he didn't even know about. I didn't tell him about my internet friend because I didn't talk to him very often and it didn't even cross my mind. He said that I was sneaking behinde his back. After yelling at me and cussing at me so much I finally snapped. I freaked out and threw my cellphone at him and it hit him in the face and gave him a bloody nose. I'd never hurt anyone like that, especially someone I love! I felt so horrible. We had just discussed recently how if anyone ever hit either of us that it would be over no matter what. And if he ever hit me I'd certainly bail out, but I went totally nuts! I plead temporary insanity! I was so hurt by him that I was frantic! I called him later and appologized and I also explained to him how I was totally ignorant to what I had done to hurt him. He told me that he forgives me for hitting him and also for what I had done. I begged for him back. He told me he couldn't get back with me because I had hit him and he couldn't go against what he believed. I still continued to beg for him back and I felt totally pathetic! He still hasn't agreed to get back with me but he said he'd have to think about it but he still loves me. Now I can't stop thinking about how he yelled at me and cussed at me so much. It hurt me so bad! I'm really in an unhappy situation now. I can't EVER forgive myself for hitting him! I never ever wanted to hurt anyone! I don't even kill spiders! I'm going into the medical field and all I want to do his help people not hurt them! If I were a guy I could easily get thrown in jail or at least acquire a very bad reputation!!! I'm desperate for help. I feel pathetic and psychotic.

[dario]

You did something in the heat of the moment. I don't think that it equates to someone throwing a punch or anything. It happens and you'll have to get around this. We all lash out - we lose control. It just came out of you. You've shown that you're not this sort of person in the past, haven't you - one with a tendency for violence. You snapped.

[Medgirl]

If a man ever hit me, I'd leave immediately. When a man hits a woman it's totally unacceptable even if it's in the heat of the moment. How am I any different from a man who hits a woman? The only difference I can think of is that I'm 90lbs, 5'0" tall and pretty much defensless if i were to ever be attacked. He's 200 something pounds, 6'3" and could easily do some damage. But still I'm no better than a man who hits a woman now. I can never forgive myself.

[dario]

But if he knows you and knows that you've never done this kind of stuff in the past...if it was out of the blue. I agree, a man should never hit a woman and vice versa. But something so out of left field as this seems different....there was no inent to physically harm...it was totally out of character for you. That is, you don't do this...you don't have violent tendencies. It just happened. I think there are varying degrees....for instance, a violent man/woman and their continual outward shows of violence in any means and one isolated incident which is totally 'not like you'. You threw a cell phone...you're human. Yes, it resulted in a bloody nose for him....you were certainly taken aback by this. It was out-of-character.

[dario]

Medgirl...I just know that if someone I truly cared for did what you did and it was something out-of-character, I'd be shocked but I'd soon realise that it was way out of left field. No violence is excusable...but there is a fine line.

[Medgirl]

Well it's a new day. Actually, today is my birthday and I can't stop thinking about the events of yesterday. After I wrote that post yesterday he called and invited me over to his house. So, I went over and we didn't do much talking, we mostly just cuddled. However, I woke up this morning and I can't stop thinking about the reason I hit him in the first place. He said things to me while he was cussing me out that hurt me so bad. I feel like I gave and gave and he took and took then when I screwed up once he took my heart, ripped it out, tore it in half, crushed it, then threw it back in my face as he told me to "get the f*** out of his car and find my own f****** ride home". Not only do I think our relationship will be different now, I think he has permanently damaged me in such a way that my walls will be very hard to get down from now on. I find myself wishing he would disappear forever and I'd never see him again, but at the same time all I want to do is be with him.

[Cpunch75]

This kind of reminds me of the girl im sort of seeing, after knowing someone for a while you start to see what they are really like and you find out they have a "dark side".

 

Your bf is coming off anti-depressants, so you yourself have to stand back and think for a minute and realize that you can't judge someone by their behavior, because it is not who the person IS. But even so, youre at a threshold of not tolerating his crap anymore, but got sucked back in because he used a pathetic strategy to lure you back by making you feel bad and placing emotional burden on your shoulders.

 

I think you both need some space, and especially him because he seems to take you for granted. As for him cursing you out and degrading you, I can understand how you feel as he has lost all respect for you by insisting you find your own way home and kicking you out of his car,.....If he can't even grasp the concept that you have male friends and be that insecure, then you will eventually be controlled by him and you will be very, very unhappy

....love is mutual respect and you share happiness, not someone who is living a demented nightmare and pulling you down with him.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this, you did nothing wrong. There are plenty of guys out there that will treat you right.

[Medgirl]

the thing that he felt was wrong about me having male friends was the fact that I got jealous of his female friends. Well, not all of his female friends. Just one. Her name is Chantelle and she'd call him all the time when I was over at his house. They also took classes together and she considered him her best friend. Chantelle is also attractive and has a reputation of being permiscuous. Well, I realized that it was wrong of me to be jealous so I learned to deal with it and I did deal with it. He got pissed off when he found out that I had a malefriend all along that was close enough to me to know that he and I had broken up. He also doesn't think that it's any of anyone's business if we broke up. I can see how he would be upset at me for not telling him about this friend, but the truth is is that I don't talk to this friend very much. Actually we only started talking more often recently. But now my boyfriend can't trust me. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but I guess it was.

[Cpunch75]

if you two can't even share mutual respect for each other with the premise that you are open about everything, then prepare for suffering. Your bf should have gently said to Chantelle, "listen, Chantelle, I know we are best friends, but out of respect for my girlfriend I'd prefer if we not contact each other on a daily basis" that way, he doesnt compromise either you or her, and keeps everyone happy. You both are making assumptions about each other, and what does it do? Assumptions is the worst thing you can ever do in a relationship.

[Medgirl]

I didn't mean to keep my friend from him. I just hardly ever thought about this friend. It didn't even occur to me.

[Cpunch75]

could be, but maybe you were transfixed that someone else was gaining his attention and it made you feel uncomfortable.......True?

[Medgirl]

Yes, of course it's true

[Cpunch75]

I dunno, it seems like even if you told him that it made you feel uncomfortable that he wouldn't care anyways and not respect your needs. just my honest opinion.