monkey Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Hi Just wondering who'l be sending a card for vday this year to there s/o's. I know each situation is different but even though people want space, is it realy an invasion by sending a card, obviously if it's full of 'i love you's' & hearts & pleading for chances, it would be wrong to do, but just a nice simple one, not too OTT with love & saying i'm thinking of her & i' there for her if she needs me! & that i respect her, hoping she's ok & thats it. There's never been a 'no contact rule' for us, just a rule of what the contact content is! I already bought a card but i feel if i send nothing, she'l think i'm trying to move on & get her out of my mind, which is DEFINATELY not the case. I'm a thoughtful person & feel it's not me, not to send anything, there were no complaints when i sent her gift at christmas. Any thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 But what has happened since xmas...have you continued to try and contact her etc? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 monkey, don't send the card to her if you really must send a card, send it to someone else send a nice card on valentines day to a good charity that you admire or a great person you admire she'll freak out if you send her it, there is no point in sending her it send a card to your best girl friend instead!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 Yes, the odd email once a week, she seems not to want me to talk of the future, reminice of the past or talk of what i want for 'us' now, this narrows it down, i just have to speak of what SHE wants. But i guess this is space, it feels like a carrot & stick situation. It's so frustrating when all i want is to comunicate like adults, get both our feelings out in the open. Sorry, i always find myself waffling over my entire story again when the issue is the card! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Monkey, she isn't ready for that. Stop already. There is no such thing as a neutral valentines card. You see this as carrot and stick, she see's it as "I'm not at all sure this was a good idea and I wish he'd just stop it already". Whatever she feels deep down or what might come about later, for now, she doesn't want anything from you. So wait or move on. Now waiting is the most difficult thing to do. You really are probably better off dating someone else. This will also help to settle your mind and put both of you on equal footing if you reconcile. (you won't likely be (as) jealous of the other guy(s) she was seeing during the separation). Right now pushing her will only cause her to flee to her powerbase, which is strengthened by refusing you, distancing herself and convincing herself that she is doing the right thing and convincing herself that you are the wrong guy for her. Often this will involve finding another guy to put a wall between the two of you and drive you away. You need to play it cool to prevent that from happening. The longer you push, the longer it will take for her to come back, if she does at all. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Monkey, No card. Lost is right. There comes a point where you will be reinforcing the negatives, and you aren't the only one who has reached it. Now comes the really hard part of being strong, whether it is waiting or moving on for now in some way. I think a lot of us wind up not realizing that we are pushing someone away with all our good intentions. I know I had to stop trying to reach out. There comes a time when she needs space and you have to trust in the depth of what you had, and be patient until an opportunity arises for future contact, or reconciliation. You don't want to have her believing that leaving you was the right thing to do. If she is using any means to put space between you, it is her who will know that and realize it isn't what she really wants. Even then, you cannot control her actions. I think you have done enough to let her know how you feel. Personally, I think she will contact you when she is comfortable, not a minute sooner. It is easier said than done, but try to be strong. you may be scaring her away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 ok, i'm just worried she might think i've moved on & not thinking of her. I know her, she doesn't date people unless it's serious, she's Hungarian & her ways are very different. & she told me she doesnt want any man, i just thought she may like recieving it. She emails me every week & she never said anything negative about the xmas present, is that different? You think she may miss a card & the attention she used to get, mabe when i reply to next mail i should mention i wanted to send her something, but didn't want to come across in a bad way. She isn't i don't think the 'mind games' type of person, she normally says what she feels I've written letters in the past also & they've not had bad comeback. I'm just stuck between a rock & a hard place, but i know your right, my heart says yes, my brain says no.!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Originally posted by monkey ok, i'm just worried she might think i've moved on & not thinking of her. This is not a counterproductive thought, in terms of the health of your relationship. If you're anything to her like you are to us, I think she knows she's crossed your mind. She emails me every week & she never said anything negative about the xmas present, is that different? What could she say? It's about the psychological effect of it, Valentine's day is a lover's holiday. Even if she loves your card, that doesn't change your situation, and it's not a good idea. I've written letters in the past also & they've not had bad comeback. Just because she's not strong enough to tell you to "piss off" after you push the issue of reconciliation doesn't mean that she doesn't wish you'd settle down about it. I'm just stuck between a rock & a hard place, but i know your right, my heart says yes, my brain says no.!! Until you find yourself in a healthy oppurtunity/relationship, let your brain make decisions, and let your heart pump blood. Link to post Share on other sites
lilvoyce7321 Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Christmas is one thing...but v-tines? That is another. Call and tell her that you bought the card and had reservations about giving it to her because you did not want to pressure her. Tell her that you did not want her to think that you didn't care either. I think a phone call the day before v-tines would be best. Just my opinion...not saying it is right for you....but that is what I would do. -barbara Link to post Share on other sites
lilvoyce7321 Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 It is me again, You know....I went back and read some of your posts.....I think that you both have been through enough. I would not call. It sounds like you both need some space. -barbara Link to post Share on other sites
lilvoyce7321 Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Sounds like many of your readers are giving you sound advice. You are lucky to be in the presence of such supportive people! Link to post Share on other sites
MarKus Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Yeah im not going to send a valentines day card, yes that buggs me, if i dont send it, she might think im moving on. But im still not going to send it cos ill probably drive her away further. The thing is 2 days after valentines day its her birthday! (20th) Shall i send her a birthday card?????? what do u think?????? we been on a break nearly a month, if i have contacted her, ive have kept it down to the bare minnimum, and she has contacted me also aswell Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Get off the card ideas any way you can, you are driving her away!!! She knows how you feel and will respect your giving her space more than anything else at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
MarKus Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Originally posted by mandrews1119 Get off the card ideas any way you can, you are driving her away!!! She knows how you feel and will respect your giving her space more than anything else at this point. what, even a birthday card?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 I'll not send it, thanks all, i know from your 3rd party viewpoint it's right. I just miss her, i'm just trying to reach out to her somehow. A selfish thing i know, but i'll email her & say i'm thinking of her. From one minute we shared everything & now not is so hard, i'm wandering what she's doing & how she is. I just want to be there for her. All my intentions towards her are good, be it right or wrong. I hope we can just sit down & talk of it, it's so frustrating when you have so many things you want to say but can't. Thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 Monkey... Chicago said to me 'contact her & i'll push her further', so i'm telling you i'm not!! NO EMAILS Stop it already. You should wait at least a little while. Try to hold out for another week. Then come back and ask us. If you keep this up she's gone forever. Give her a little breathing room. If she writes/calls you, you can reply then and in kind. No appeals or demands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 7, 2004 Author Share Posted February 7, 2004 ok, the last one was a fiew days ago cos she said 1 a week. I jjust said i hope she's ok & i'm there for her & that i was sorry for the over mailing in the past. I had no responce, i just hope i havent messed it up, do you think by not mailing her will show her i respect her & learned not to? Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 NO CONTACT .... It is ur only chance ... you are pissing her off with what you are doing and she will learn to hate you if you persist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 8, 2004 Author Share Posted February 8, 2004 This is hell, i can't believe we are like this. I just miss sharing my life with her & am so upset. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Just to clarify, sometimes things get lost in translation: NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. Do you not trust us? Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 8, 2004 Author Share Posted February 8, 2004 i trust you, but may she think i've given up. i won't send anything & then mabe she'l contact me in future when she's ready. She seems to think that by her mailing me is giving me hope, but how does she know the future. She sais that it's open & when i'm well she will meet. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by monkey i trust you, but may she think i've given up. If you were her, you'd want you to give up. No-contact isn't just for the benefit of her, that she'll "see the light"--it's also to prevent you harrassing her while she's getting over you, and perhaps facilitating the same getting-over attitude in yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 how can anyone get over things, when she sees me again ,surely she'll be reminded of it. What she did to me was terrible, to lye for a month to me, she knows it wasn't my fault, yet she treats me this way. I'm a long way from her, surely i deserve my chance to talk properly. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Yes, NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT whatsoever. Monkey, the last thing I sent to my ex was a basic note just saying, 'I think you've just lost someone who would protect you through thick and thin...' I am double-backing now...but I wrote what I felt at the time despite any gates being left open. I had to close it in my own mind. I had to clarify some things. You said sorry for being irritating - leave it like that. DO NOT CONTACT HER. These guys on this site know what they're talking about - DON'T CONTACT HER. Be firm, be firm, DO NOT CONTACT HER. It hurts like hell...but you have to PICK YOURSELF UP and CONTINUE. Especially now. Cause you're sure as hell gonna regret it when you're in a better frame of mind and you realised that you irritated the hell out of her way back when. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 You right, i need a straight jacket. What can i say. i just feel so crap, she says she doesn't want to care for me anymore, like my illness was a lasting impression on her,i mean does she think i enjoyed it. I don't want her to care for me like that, thats why i'm here to be well. She said 1 mail a week, shall i stop that also & wait for her. I'm real scared she won't at all because it might give me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
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