sensitiveguy Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I just want to repeat what everyone is saying so you know. I am absolutely positively sure that no contact is the right decision. I have done it before. Only when I stopped the contact is when I began to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Was she discussing your mental state or your physical state? If you are communicating with her the same way you are here, the message is very clear. You are completely focused on what you want and are trying to find every reason to communicate with her (whether or not you are actually doing so) to satisfy your needs. You need to look at this differently. What you should be trying to accomplish is to make her as comfortable with you as possible. Forcing communication or conversation is not the way to do that. Accept that you will be waiting for this for awhile. Maybe a long while. When she sees that you are more stable and less frantic, perhaps she will come around more often. Right now she is willing to communicate with you. If you keep concentrating on what you want, you will drive her away, no matter how good your intentions. If that happens you will be waiting much longer. Listen to me. I haven't talked to my ex in over 3 months. I'm trying to save you some pain here. I have no idea if I will ever see her or hear from her again. Is that what you want? Leave the contact up to her and reply in kind. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 In an ideal world, breakups wouldn't be hurtful, but they are, and the more you dwell on it, the more you allow the pain to dominate you. When she lied, she hurt you--but at this point, you're responsible for the continuation of that pain. You're hurting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Lost , your right, i've always been inpatient & i still get anxious times of desperation to contact her, & i should look at it from her point of view. But when i look at it, this shouldn't be happening because partners at some stage in life get ill, what happens then, does everyone go out & get divorced. If she was ill i'd be there for her & in a way make me care more. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Mate, if she does not want to be with you then that is her decision - it is HER life - you do not own her or know what she is thinking. what was a beautiful perfect never ending love to you is not the same to her. she does not love you and most probably never did (according to your definition). her perception of reality is different to yours - if it was the same then she would be by ur side. let go - and stop using ur illness as an excuse for this. if she had really loved you she would have accepted the illness. sorry to be blunt but you dont seem to understand ... think why isnt she with you - because she no longer loves you - you will not cannot change that. leave her alone. sorry ... but that is her reality and it is the only reality that matters in these cases. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 She told me what we had was real & was love, but this just freaked her out. Do you think she would have introduced me to all her friends & told them she loved me & come back to my country with me againsed her will & sending me all these texts in the past saying that she was crying for me when i had to leave her in Hungary to come home. Her parents even offered to lend me some of there life savings to stay. You may think it seems like i need her to be well, but part of me does need her because i love her & she's so important to me. She is an independent person & i am sensitive & this is being shown here, but she did love me. She didn't have to carry on mailing me when i leaft, but she does. I just want to see her & show her i've ironed out a fiew things, i know i'm inpatient, but all i do is love her & want to be there for her. Is this so bad, i just hope time helps & i'm gonna give her it. Sting was right- if you love someone, set them free! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Love in which you invest your own self-worth in another person is not healthy love, and it's the hardest to get rid of. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Your are still not listening ... we know you love her(that is not in question), but she doesnt love you(that is the issue). If you love someone then let them go If they love you they will return If they dont then it was never meant to be. People change and the reality now is that she does not want to return to you. Then you never know the future reality but you cannot make her change her mind, she has to do that by herself, and it has to be her decision. NO CONTACT of any kind. stop the e-mails - everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 I'm just hoping that over time, the caring she feels now can change into a different kind, this has hurt us both, it takes time, she knows this wasn't my fault & not 6 months ago we were talking of spending our lives with each other. Yes, it's one way at the moment, but when we first met it was one way, because she was adamant she didn't want me, or anyone to get in the way of her goal of coming to America. But she changed!, this is why i can't give up, just i give her time Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Her love is reality of the past. all that matters is the present. change yourself for the future and who knows. 4 months ago my ex wanting marriage, children and loved me forever. now she wont even talk to me. the reasons why i will probably will never know or understand. the fact is that the reality now is that she doesnt love me anymore. she did love me but it has gone now. so i let her go because that is her reality now! people change their minds for various reasons, love is not a logical process. after all it is a human emotion. Most times it is noones fault, but it has still happened ... face the reality now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 This i am doing, i'm sorting out myself & not contacting her & as you can say things that were, aren't now & in the future may change again. My s/o always drilled it into me these words " the future is open & never say never", but it just annoys me to why now, she says she knows her future feelings! people on here say it's because people speak with there current feeling & she is pissed with me, i understand this, it's an emotion. I just want to prove to her my anxiety problem is on it's way out, if it's this that pushed her, the girl i love away, i couldn't live with myself. This is why i need to keep the hope. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 If she wants to see the 'new' you she will look, you cannot make her look though. the more you try to force soemone to do something the more they will resist. it has to be her decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 I know & knowing her, i' sure she will want to because she has said so, i just wish she would be open to future possibilities. I feel as though i've cheated on her or been violent in our relationship, something i would never do. I never want to give her pain. I just need a time machine. I've been reading an ebook called "getting your ex back" & it says it's a pull & push thing. I push, she'l pull & vica versa. Make myself attractive to her, it's all natural instinct. It's common sense realy but so hard when i miss her. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 you are pushing and that is just pushing her further away. do you know her or think you know her thoughts. because she is telling u something and you r not listening. you cannot turn back time so join the present because u r living in the past. put yourself in her shoes. it is not a game to her ... take the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 I said the time machine thing because i'm inpatient & am just always thinking of the happy times in the past & can't believe its like this & i get upset. I know i pushed her in the past & she pulled, now i'm gonna pull & hope she pushes.. Yes i do know what she said, but this anxiety thing gets me all worked up & in the past i've mailed her & shouldn't have. Do you think its not too late to show her? She's changed her mind many times. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 But with that time machine thing.....maybe you haven't given her the right amount of time to reflect on the happier times of the past because you're irritaing her with what is now...and this must certainly squash any happy memories for her. Leave her be....I'm not going to lie...from personal experience, it may be a month, two months, six months...a year.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Dario & from your personal experience, after you seperated, you gave it time & you met up again.. She said to me she wanted to mail me once a week, to see how things are going. It's not the mailing she doesn't like, it's the content of them. She said that if only it'd been nice mails from the start, it'd be cool now! Your right, i've not given her time to think the nice things we had, it's just been push, push. Totally stupid & selfish of me. But how i felt when i got home, my friends have told me they would have said **** off to her, but i understand her. I'm just happy that our parting was nice & she wants to mail me, this is a start, that we have contact. I just think that the things she said to me were in anger about my mailing, if i change she will also, i don't mean be with me, but better communication. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by monkey I'll not send it, thanks all, i know from your 3rd party viewpoint it's right. I just miss her, i'm just trying to reach out to her somehow. A selfish thing i know, but i'll email her & say i'm thinking of her. Somewhat good that you won't send her anything. You said you will email her and tell her you're thinking of her. Don't do that either. Just act as though you've forgotten about her. Nearly every time I stopped showing an interest in any ex they would contact me if they cared enough. I think it's nice to keep in touch with her, but keep it to only replying to her messages. Don't start new ones. Let her come to you. And don't bring up the past. At all. From one minute we shared everything & now not is so hard, i'm wandering what she's doing & how she is. I just want to be there for her. All my intentions towards her are good, be it right or wrong. I hope we can just sit down & talk of it, it's so frustrating when you have so many things you want to say but can't. Everyone goes through this. It's difficult for certain, but time heals it. Believe me on that one. Your intentions may be good, but if she's upset about your attention you can get into a big mess, maybe even involving police. Those things you want to say but can't? Don't say them. Don't even try. Just forget about it. It isn't worth having her hate you, or driving her nuts to the point she gets someone else to make it more difficult on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 Right, resist all temptation, i sent no card or letter, i've thought of an ecardn ot even a valentine ecard, just a funny one that i know would tickle her, right up her street, & saying "hi", but no no. I hope she doesn't think i'm doing as she said by trying to forget her & moving on. Everyone agree i'm doing the right thing? Hope So (be honest) Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Hey, Monkey, No card, no e-mail, nothing!! She knows how you feel and will have more respect and more reason to think of you without the contact. You have sent so much in the past, she will be sure to notice when you don't send anything. Isn't that better than her being pissed off by you sending yet another card? she will know it is taking so much for you NOT to send something. I'm with you, buddy - I'm not sending anything either. In our cases, nothing is BEST - for now. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Yeah no contact is even more significant on Valentines day. Especially if she's alone. She may be expecting something and this will get her thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Monkey, For the last time ..... do nothing ..... no contact She will not classify the card as a valentines versus a funny one, she will just see another annoying invasion of her requested space. DO NOTHING ......... Let her come to you Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Hey lost, You've been reading my mind, friend.! Whether your s/o is expecting something, or dreading it - not receiving something will probably get her to thinking and wondering, and who knows what else. If she has been being distant and has thus far not been moved by the contacts already attempted, perhaps she may rethink her actions. Even if not, she will wonder WHY you (or I) have not sent anything. It is so funny that you just can't imagine the things the opposite sex is thinking, but I think when you leave someone, it isn't unusual to have a thought of them every now and then. Best of everything to you. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 I honestly think that you(monkey) should take their advice on not contacting her(It has helped me alot.) Believe me it is an extremely difficult task to do; however, you will start feeling better towards yourself during time. Do things that interest you. And if do not have any hobbies find some. Try to get your mind off of her. The more you try to make her come to you, the more she will resist. I also thought on sending something for V-day. Good thing people here helped me understand that sending something was not a good idea. Be strong, and have fun with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Nope, not sending a card. I live with him Normally I give him cards, but he isn't a card person. But it is sweet that he has kept all the cards I have given him and taken the effort to get me cards (he knows I like cards, where as he just chucks them ) Link to post Share on other sites
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