Not Feeling Appreciated or Important to my LDR

[SassyKitten]

Probably our frequency of communication would be Skype or phone 3-4 times a week, maybe the odd text message, but I really am lost as to whether the 6 hour time zone difference or being a low priority to him is more responsible for our lack of communication. I'm meeting him in person for the first time in less than a month, he bought the plane ticket, but still, small actions like MAKING the time to talk to me matter more than him swiping his credit card!

 

I'm so tempted to send off a text message like "I know we haven't actually met yet but that will definitely go better if I felt like I actually mattered to you."

 

Is this amount of communication abnormally low or am I just tripping out?

[HeavenOrHell]

What is the quality of your conversations? How do you feel after? Satisfied or doubtful, insecure, or??

I worry my partner isn't as much into me as I am into him if he we don't talk for a day, which I know is silly! I'm insecure in this relationship, something I've never been in any other relationship. This is my first LDR. The distance leaves a lot of room for doubt and insecurity, this seems to be quite common. He has done nothing to make me feel insecure at all, quite the opposite.

He has made it clear how serious he is about us, has your partner made it clear to you, although I"m not sure that's possible until you've met.

We didn't call each other partner until we met, as tbh you never really know if you will click as partners until you meet, maybe your feelings for each other will be clearer once you have met?

 

Probably our frequency of communication would be Skype or phone 3-4 times a week, maybe the odd text message, but I really am lost as to whether the 6 hour time zone difference or being a low priority to him is more responsible for our lack of communication. I'm meeting him in person for the first time in less than a month, he bought the plane ticket, but still, small actions like MAKING the time to talk to me matter more than him swiping his credit card!

 

I'm so tempted to send off a text message like "I know we haven't actually met yet but that will definitely go better if I felt like I actually mattered to you."

 

Is this amount of communication abnormally low or am I just tripping out?

[SassyKitten]

I thoroughly enjoy our conversations, whenever we get to have them they're the highlight of my day and it's a massive bittersweet feeling I get about 2 minutes after we hang up. However in the last week nerve about us meeting have come up with both of us, and this is very clear from our conversations.

 

To me, it feels like he is taking more of a passive "wait and see how it goes, I'll just talk to her whenever I can" while I'm a firm believer that in any relationship but especially a long distance one, both parties need to take a much more proactive attitude than that once they've established they are truly into each other, which we have. I've been trying to figure out how to discourage this passive attitude without being overbearing. I'm not mad, but he doesn't seem to realize what is important to me.

 

Also, one thing that has been an issue in my past relationships and I get a feeling is becoming an issue in this one is that unlike 95% of the women out there, I have always been a firm believer that the games of "let him chase you" and "treat em mean keep em keen" are bull^&%&. I'm an intelligent, independent woman who will probably be making a six-figure salary within a few years, so every part of me is against turning myself into the meek submissive female in order to conform to the status quo. Unfortunately, this seems to mean that men don't know how to take me when I'm actually *gasp* showing initiative!

Edited July 11, 2010 by SassyKitten

[Enchanted Girl]

Some of it is going to be the fact that you are far apart. I have been in an LDR for five years. When he's near me, I don't doubt a thing because I can see that he loves me. He can touch me and show that he loves me. Over the phone, it's just words.

 

Also, men kind of forget, a little, things that aren't right in front of them. My boyfriend has gone through stages where I definitely took the back burner in his life and then when he visited me, he apologized for it and told me that he just forgot the extent of how much he loved me when I wasn't around.

 

Also, men don't like to talk on the phone that much which, when that's all you can do, will make him spend less time with you. My boyfriend and I do things like play World of Warcraft together (or other MMORPG's and games) or read books to one another so that there isn't all this pressure to talk all the time and we can relax more when we are talking.

[SassyKitten]

I guess there's 2 major observations I'm having right now about this one. The first is that a huge part of my need to have extremely frequent contact has to do with soothing any nerves I have about our first meeting. Getting to him involves about 9 hours on planes, so of course it would be easier to find someone closer, but at the same time he is truly one of a kind and completely irreplacable. The other thing I've noticed is that our shortest phone/Skype conversation we've had since we've known each other has been 20 minutes. I have said to him several times that daily conversations mean a lot to me, even if they're only 5 minutes, so it could be a good or a bad thing that he seems to have a hard time with this. I'm just really not sure how to approach this, I've become emotionally attached, but I also haven't been in this long enough to figure how to put it out of my mind and get on with other parts of my life, like class. He has said he doesn't get how women are capable of gossipping, which I can understand, but then we haven't said "I love you" to each other yet (on this, I get the feeling that he's holding out to actually meet me), but it would help just to hear his voice.

 

I wish I could think of an activity for us to do besides x-rated flirtatious conversations, neither of us are gamers. Then again, in light of the recent tension, even the x-rated flirtatious conversations have died down!

 

He does have a greeting card from me in the mail with a long thought-out note. It should arrive Tuesday, hopefully that will make a difference.

 

In short, is the amount of contact we're having abnormally low?

[TMichaels]

Is this amount of communication abnormally low or am I just tripping out?

 

The latter.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[SassyKitten]

Fair enough. Just sent him a slightly x-rated text message to try and break the ice, seeing as make-up sex is out of the question right now.

[Enchanted Girl]

In a long distance relationship, you're always going to have less contact with the person than you would if you were in person with them. When I'm in person with my guy, he will take me out with his friends or out to the grocery store if he needs to go or something. When I'm far away though, he can't really do that, so we therefore spend less time together.

 

There's no set amount of time he should or should not be spending with you, so no one here can truly reassure you that it's enough. It's more about the amount of importance he is giving you in his life, which doesn't always mean he can spend a lot of time with you.

 

Feel more excited about meeting him. You'll probably find out everything there. If there is a problem between the two of you and him not thinking you're important, you'll probably find out then and if you're overreacting and everything is fine, then you'll probably find out then as well. You probably need this trip to figure out some of your doubts and progress the relationship.

[SassyKitten]

Yeah, the trip really can't come soon enough. I feel like the sooner we both know for sure, the better. But also I get a bad feeling that even if things go spectacularly well he'll have fears and break off the relationship. I'm nervous as hell going in, and trying to keep myself distracted but then all of my thoughts keep coming back to how I want to be doing everything with him.

 

He has asked me how I feel about moving to Hawaii if this trip goes well, and I've told him the only thing keeping me here is my degree. One thing too that I found out recently is that there is a public university in Georgia where I can finish my degree online, allowing me to move in December instead of waiting a year as I had originally thought. As he does seem scared, I wonder often if he meant that he definitely wants to make plans with me or if it was just talk to impress me.

 

One thing I've been Googling like hell with no luck are quizzes to suss out if there is potential with someone you've been dating online, any links would be helpful.

 

And I suppose too one of my motives for wanting to communicate with him is as much about sussing out if he is worth my time as it is about establishing a connection. I've had more men break my heart than fingers I have to count them on.

[SassyKitten]

And I have gone another day without him being capable of taking 5 minutes out of his schedule to call me and say hi, when I am about to get on a plane to visit someone who I only know online, and this is scaring me.

 

I'm so tempted to tell him if it continues like this then he's just wasted $800 on a plane ticket that I'm not using. For f***'s sake, ACTIONS matter more than him swiping his credit card!

 

And I'm sick of only being able to attract men like this who treat me as an afterthought.

[aerogurl87]

Sassykitten, have you told him in plain language how you feel about his inconsistent communication with you? That could make all the difference, well that and finally meeting in person. With that said, perhaps one reason he's not talking much is due to nerves.

[SassyKitten]

The problem is that him not talking to me is adding significantly to my nerves. I'm about to get on a plane to meet someone in person for the first time after all.

 

But then again guys seem to be spoiled as in they can communicate when they want to and us women just have to sit around all passive and act on their terms. This is bulls***.

[nemi26]

i'd say thats alot of communication

and yeah other people say hes nervous (i agree!) he may not want to be too much because its that close to when you meet.

 

you'll be fine hun x

[SassyKitten]

Communication is very important, and to me the lack of it is showing he doesn't care. Interestingly enough, my roommate is also in an LDR, though the guy lives a 2 hour drive from her as opposed to mine living a 9 hour flight from me. Her boyfriend was also at a party last night like mine, but he still talked to her for an hour. Mine can't even find 5 minutes to talk to me. Not only does this make me feel wary of my safety as I'm meeting him for the first time, but it feels like I don't matter to him.

 

I've sent him a text saying "We need to talk" (he's 6 hours behind me), and when he does finally call me I'm giving him an ultimatum that he needs to make more of an effort like he was in the beginning of our relationship or I'm not getting on that plane. If he can't talk every day, fine, but we do need to talk out a compromise about this one and set times so I can plan my day. Because assuming he's deserving, he matters enough to me where I will plan my social life around him. And I came to this decision after thinking back to my prior relationships, and putting up with crap like this from guys is easily my #1 source of grief.

 

It's one thing to swipe your credit card and get me flowers and a plane ticket, it's another thing to be a REAL boyfriend. Wish me luck, will update once we've had a talk about this.

[JacquesA.LeFrancais]

The problem is that him not talking to me is adding significantly to my nerves. I'm about to get on a plane to meet someone in person for the first time after all.

 

But then again guys seem to be spoiled as in they can communicate when they want to and us women just have to sit around all passive and act on their terms. This is bulls***.

 

Not true, I love my S/O to death, but sometimes she has massive communication issues, where I feel like I'm customer number 50 and she's now serving #4 lol...so its not always a guy problem...

 

but..

 

You know Sassy, i 110% feel your pain right now. Nothing hurts and alienates more than the person you love being aloof about one of the most vital pieces of your relationship. It sucks, a$$. I don't blame you for being upset.

 

I am 2 days from seeing my S/O. And our comms for the past week has sucked something awful. Get tired of feeling like I am a needy wierdo sometimes. Especially when i can crush people dreams at a whim for fun...lol j/k...(well partially j/k lol) I am a strong person. But that...nag she leaves me sometimes when we don't talk much. Makes me feel weak. i guess that IS love. But, sometimes one wishes the comms were better than they are...

 

I don't blame you...for being upset

[Els]

Hi.

 

Firstly, I think your amount of communication is, honestly, average. Perhaps not in this forum, but from what I've seen in real life, it is.

 

But that isn't what you need. And that's perfectly okay. However, it seems that what's precipitating all of this is the fact that you're thinking, "Why should I go on a 9-hour plane ride for someone who can't even be bothered to call me more?" whereas he's probably thinking, "We haven't met yet so we can't be serious yet". Am I right in that?

 

If the 9-hour ride is such a biggie for you and you express that money isn't an issue for you, perhaps you should have offered to pay for HIM to fly to you instead. That might ease the tension.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm wondering if you pick a certain type of man because I have to disagree that > guys seem to be spoiled as in they can communicate when they want to and us women just have to sit around all passive and act on their terms<

 

I've never been in a relationship with a man like that, I wouldn't be with someone or stay with someone if they were like that. My relationships have always been equal. A man like that would not appeal to me at all

 

>Also, one thing that has been an issue in my past relationships and I get a feeling is becoming an issue in this one is that unlike 95% of the women out there, I have always been a firm believer that the games of "let him chase you" and "treat em mean keep em keen" are bull^&%&. <

 

I very much doubt 95% of women want to play games like this, I certainly don't and nor do any of my friends! Do you mean you think he likes the chase, that he would prefer to contact you on his terms? And that your ex's didn't like the fact you don't play games like that? Sod that People who play games like that, male or female are immature and petty IMO, life is too short to waste time playing games. So good for you for not going along with all that c***!

 

I think all my previous partners (and current partner) would have felt I wasn't bothered about the relationship if I hadn't taken the initiative with regards to contact, making decisions etc.

 

There are plenty of men out there who would love relationships to be equal, for their female partner to not be submissive.

 

There are also plenty of men who would want to talk to their partner as much as she wants to talk to them. My partner makes it clear he likes talking every night if possible.

 

I don't agree with Enchanted Girl's view that "men don't like to talk on the phone that much." Mine does and he can't be the only one out there who does!

 

>Not only does this make me feel wary of my safety as I'm meeting him for the first time, but it feels like I don't matter to him.<

 

It worries me you're feeling like this but that you're also saying there's a possibility you might move, but you haven't even met yet, I don't mean to sound harsh, but some people just do not click when they meet, I thought me and my partner would click but neither of us knew for sure until we met.

Please keep in mind things may not work out when you meet. Me and my partner tried to not put too many expectations on our meeting, although it was hard not to. Just bear in mind it may not feel right when you meet.

I personally would not give up my life here to move to be near him for at least a year, and after spending LOTS of time with him.

 

>One thing I've been Googling like hell with no luck are quizzes to suss out if there is potential with someone you've been dating online, any links would be helpful.<

 

You just won't know until you meet hun, no amount of quizzes will tell you that. Yes there is potential, with the right person. There may be statistics I guess of how many online relationships work out, but that won't tell you if yours will work. I imagine almost as many online relationships work out as they do if you meet someone locally, probably fewer work out cos some people just won't click when they meet.

 

I hope your phone call went/goes well, keep us posted.

[SassyKitten]

Thank you for your support guys. We just had a very nice long talk in IM as he's at work, and all seems well. He was simply freaked out as it seemed we were making plans such as me moving, huge miscommunication as I was simply saying the door is open for me to move in December if we hit it off in person, so really not moving any faster than he thought it just seemed that way to him and he panicked. He does seem to appreciate how important communication is to me, and says he'll make an effort. As far as the money goes, I'm currently a student, but I'm studying to be an accountant and am going to go for my Master's degree as well. I've often joked with him that as a thank you if all goes well I'll buy him the motorcycle of his dreams when I'm making good money!

 

I'm feeling much better now, and I finally feel like I'm talking to the same person I had at the beginning of our relationship! 3 weeks from Wednesday and we finally meet....

Edited July 12, 2010 by SassyKitten

[stace79]

So, you've never met him in person but you're already worried about lack of communication? How exactly did you even establish this is a committed relationship if you've never even met?

[SassyKitten]

We've had the exclusivity talk. Basically where we're at is acting like a serious couple but holding off on making plans untill we have met in person. He has asked me how I feel about moving to Hawaii, and the earliest I can is December. By then we'll have been together 6 months, right now would definitely be too premature for one of us to be moving.

[Els]

Ohhh, honey. I hate to nitpick, but you really ought to know that it is highly unrealistic for you to expect a six-figure salary immediately upon graduation from your Masters in accounting. Also, about your flight issue - if you can't afford something and your SO pays for it, unless he's incredibly rich it IS a demonstration of love and effort. I don't see how it makes sense for you to say, 'I'm flying 9 hours to come and see him, and he's only swiping his card and paying $800', when you can't afford the $800 to begin with. How long and how much time would it take for he or you to earn that $800? I'm betting it'll take longer than 9 hours in your case, because most student jobs are $15 an hour or less, and it won't be nearly as comfy as sleeping during a flight anyhow.

 

Money is only 'nothing' when it is in surplus.

 

Anyhow, I am glad you managed to resolve your communication issue. I would highly recommend appreciating the cash he puts towards your meeting though, because most men, unless they're floating in cash, don't put $800 towards someone who isn't a priority.

[Yamaha]

most men, unless they're floating in cash, don't put $800 towards someone who isn't a priority.

 

Exactly......

[SassyKitten]

I agree, spending money alone isn't enough to hold a relationship together unless the woman is a golddigger, but I am looking it as a very good sign that he's 99% sure he wants a serious relationship out of this so long as the chemistry is there. He's not rolling in enough money for $800 to not be a big deal to him. Thinking about it, while I'm against letting a man support me financially, it is the only way we were able to meet right now and it makes me feel much more confident about this relationship going in, but as I told him, I'm returning the favor as soon as I can! My last boyfriend was a lawyer who was rolling in money, who thought that spending large amounts of money was his license to be a complete douchebag. I didn't fall for it, and I suppose that's where a lot of my sentiments come from.

 

Besides, I can make my own money, but I know six figures won't be immediately upon graduating. Maybe after 10 years, which really isn't that long.

[HeavenOrHell]

I freaked out a bit when my partner wanted to talk about our future after we'd only met once, I said I couldn't look that far ahead, which he took for lack of commitment, but it wasn't I was just being realistic.

 

 

Thank you for your support guys. We just had a very nice long talk in IM as he's at work, and all seems well. He was simply freaked out as it seemed we were making plans such as me moving, huge miscommunication as I was simply saying the door is open for me to move in December if we hit it off in person, so really not moving any faster than he thought it just seemed that way to him and he panicked. He does seem to appreciate how important communication is to me, and says he'll make an effort. As far as the money goes, I'm currently a student, but I'm studying to be an accountant and am going to go for my Master's degree as well. I've often joked with him that as a thank you if all goes well I'll buy him the motorcycle of his dreams when I'm making good money!

 

I'm feeling much better now, and I finally feel like I'm talking to the same person I had at the beginning of our relationship! 3 weeks from Wednesday and we finally meet....

[Orionslight]

Hi Sassy,

 

I too had the same worries you did before I met my guy....and this is my first LDR and also in our case he is about 20 years younger than me and we met in an MMORPG.....hit it off straight away... have lots of things in common and both understand each other better than anyone else either or us know...

 

We met for the first time this April after about 4 months talking in game then moving onto skype to do some energy work together and then talking so much we got to a point where we were talking every day sometimes for hours on end...

 

He then had some work problems around December and I needed to get a passport so we could meet up...

 

Anyway .. I don't know if this will help you however the nearer it got to my visit to him... the stranger he became... he was a mixture of being excited and wanted to speak to me and positive about our future meeting.. he is approx 9 hours journey time from me also ... although not so long in flight time.. to on the other hand acting a bit distant also...

 

It turned out he was just really looking forward to it.. but also worried for some reason we would not get on when we met... although both of us felt that would not happen every now and then he would have a kind of relapse where he said we had to consider it might happen...

 

The week before was the worse.. and he went to even more extremes saying on the one hand us meeting would be like magic and he wished I could stay with him forever... to saying ... we might not get on and he was worried I would expect too much from him especially on arrival and when we got back to his apartment....

 

In the end... the first day was a bit awkward at first... but once we broke the ice by me asking for a hug... it was like magic ... how we had both hoped it would be... and both were upset when I had to fly home...

 

He planned to come to visit me in Sept but in the end the pain of being apart was really hard... not helped from my point of view by him dealing with the pain differently... ie he shutdowns and wont talk to anyone ( me included for 1-3 days)... whereas I feel intense pain when we dont talk...

 

I ended up making another short visit just 2 weeks ago... however this time it was much cooler in some ways and he is struggling with my need to speak so much with him when I am home...he needs more space and time to himself (mostly due to his new job with longer hours) so we are kind of compromising... and this is working well... and he is coming over in less than 5 weeks....

 

I have decided that relationships especially LDR have to be about compromise.... he has not trusted women fully since his ex-gf cheated on him 6 years ago.... and had decided to remain without a gf... till we kind of met... and changed his mind....

 

We are not sure yet what the future holds... and one option is for me to move out there..however for me I would need to learn his languague since lucky for me he speaks fluent english..and I cant move until i sell my house which i currently live in with my ex-partner...(relationship ended about 6 years ago unofficially and officially this year)..... so there are lots of complications....

 

However,,,, neither of us have felt this way before about anyone ... we have a kind of odd psychic bond amongst other links and chemical attraction is there also....I have met most of his family during my 2 visits and he is meeting most of mine when he comes to England in Sept...

 

The age gap is not a problem for either of us... since the love between us is very strong.....and with an LDR trust and caring are a must...however communication sometimes becomes an issue and not helped by the fact I work shifts....

 

When are you meeting him Sassie? Please dont give up hope as lots of guys deal with LDR differently as I have read so many forums since being with my guy to see what is "normal" in such situations only to find there is no "normal"... so I know in my heart he loves me and just needs space more since he has lived alone for more than 6 years so its hard for him in some ways to suddenly have someone in his life again... not to mention someone from a different country..and different age...however..both of us feel its worth it... even worth the pain we both feel after being together and having to part agian...and one day at some point that might change... but life being what it is you have to make the most of each day... and one thing that helps me on days when he does not speak to me... for whatever reason (sometimes its nothing to do with me but more what kind of day he has had) is to realise that this day will soon pass and then another time will come when I will talk to him... and all will feel great again...

 

Once you meet... you will know for sure if things are going to go well for you both and I really hope they do... it sounds like they will.... so if he backs away again a bit before you go... it really is just nerves on his part.. at the end of the day its kind of a big risk or a big adventure especially as you are going to meet him first like I did...so just get through however much longer you have to wait till you meet... and try and enjoy the rest of your life meanwhile... since once you meet and part again... you will then start feeling the pain of separation more than you can imagine as well as the deep joy in being together...

 

Wishing you both all the best

 

Elaine x:)