Moved in, I'm a "pig," a "daddy's girl," "worthless," "should have never had me"

[LuLaLu]

I am in a difficult situation and don't know how to cope.

 

My parents split when I was in college. My mother and father were constantly at each other's throats, but my mother would goad him until he freaked out. On his way out the door to move 2500 miles away, my dad said he was terminally ill. I had a rocky relationship with my dad and my mother was always telling me what a horrible father my dad was and how horrible he was to us. The scary thing is I didn't witness most of it and wondered how much of it was fed to me.

 

A year later after my parents divorced, I was dumped a week before I was to be married to someone in an other country and my life was being shipped overseas. I lost my apartment, had no job, and was devastated. My mother essentially told me I wasn't welcome to stay with her, and "oh well told you so." My dad, whom I had a rocky relationship with, invited me to move out across the country with him, so I did. He helped me through the horrible heartbreak. I met someone new, but more about that later. I ended up finding a stable, rewarding, well-paying career and bought a home. My relationship with my dad is deep and rewarding now and we love each other to death.

 

Fast-forward 2.5 years. My mother has since shacked up with someone else, can't find a job, ends up telling this guy who loves her that she's leaving him. She ends up moving out here with me because she can't find a job.

 

I made her aware that several things had happened since she had seen me: 1. I had unfortunately packed on some weight. 2. My home is a 60 y/o fixer-upper with plumbing problems and had fallen into disrepair. 3. I have several beautiful and adorable parrots, and a yard with sweet chickens. She was totally aware of all this. I had bought a brand new couch for my house and carpeted the floor of her bedroom (which was supposed to be my business office) with expensive carpet of her choosing. She's thrown her stuff all over my couch and living room and dining room, refuses to unpack boxes or put things into storage, and refuses to get furniture for the room for her. My new couch now looks filthy and beaten to death.

 

She's become hell on earth to live with...she gets this "demon look" on her face. She is hideously offended by me having a relationship with my unemployed, deathly-ill father who lives in a trailer on dollar-store food. She sing-songs about how "my daddy is dying" and "I'm a daddy's girl blowing thousands of dollars [on his doctor's bills] and blow all her money" (She doesn't have any money, I make $45k/year and pay all my bills.) She screams about how he abused her but I hate to say it, I never witnessed a lot of it...and my dad said often she would start punching him first until he acted in self-defense. My boyfriend, who is the sweetest guy ever, unfortunately has substance abuse issues with painkillers and alcohol, so I don't permit him to live with me until he comes clean. He's a hard worker and has been nothing but nice to her and offers to help her with anything. She is fixated on him having nothing to do with me. She downright OBSESSES. She screams "My mother was a drunk my mother was a drunk, I hate alcoholics, make him go away." He doesn't even drink in front of her. She will literally blame him for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in the house.

 

I am constantly told "I am a fat pig," she "should have never have had me," "she wants to commit suicide in my house" (lovely), "I was a waste of time for her and she has nothing to show for it," "You're white trash for living in this town," "I'm a F+++ing A++h++e," "I hate living here, this place isn't good enough for me," demanding I get rid of my animals because "she doesn't like the noise and the poop," having me drive all over town blowing 18 gallons of gas in 4 days because she refuses to get a car, and won't look for a job, then sits around screaming and crying at me all day.

 

I can't take her to parties or gatherings in this town because she gets crass, complains about the town, and uses objectionable language then talks about everyone and how they're losers when we get home. (Most of these "losers" have PhD's or medical school residencies, LOL) I'm afraid she'll jeopardize my job and my business contacts. I've offered to help her find another place to live but she refuses to leave and curses me out and insults me.

 

I am ready to burn down my own home just to get away. I am devastated by the poor health of my father, the mistakes my boyfriend of 2 years has made, and now having it constantly rubbed in my face by the woman who used to be my best friend. What the heck do I do?

[Yamaha]

What is your opinion of yourself?

[LuLaLu]

What is your opinion of yourself?

 

Interesting question! Definitely have low self-esteem. I see a lot of potential in myself over the next few years, though. I've improved in leaps and bounds compared to how I used to be, in my own personal opinion, weight-gain aside. I've been honestly trying to drop the weight the past couple weeks. That's what also kinda hurts about being called a pig.

[Yamaha]

I think your mother is in alot of pain ( emotionally ).

 

You need to do what is best for you. If you want your mother to move out then you need to stand up and make it so.

 

Do you think you can do that (or is that want you really want)?

[LuLaLu]

I think your mother is in alot of pain ( emotionally ).

 

You need to do what is best for you. If you want your mother to move out then you need to stand up and make it so.

 

Do you think you can do that (or is that want you really want)?

 

Maybe I've become desensitized, but a lot of people have pain...I had to live in the shadow of her "pain" my whole childhood...she holds grudges from fights she had with other kids when she was 4 years old, for heaven's sake. I often feel like the intolerance and the lack of forgiveness has rubbed off on me.

 

All I know is that my life was somewhat stable and quiet until this point. I'm so aggavated right now, it's not funny

[H1N1]

What the heck do I do?

 

Tell her to get the f*ck out of your apartment/house and tell her to get the f*ck out of your life until she can prove that she's worth your time. Yes, it's your mother, but some family members are mother f*ckers. She is ruining what had started to become a manageable existence for you.

 

I think her bottom line is that she is a miserable, miserable woman and she wants others to join her in her misery. She needs professional help. You can try to be the good daughter and try to guide her in that direction, but that's it. You can't do anything with her until she helps herself.

[TaraMaiden]

RESPONSES:

 

I am constantly told "I am a fat pig,"

 

"Yes, because I love my food, and it makes me happy to be this way. You've turned misery into a fine art!"

 

she "should have never have had me,"

"Yes, because having a mother like you is such a blessing! I'm ashamed to admit you're my mother...."

 

 

"she wants to commit suicide in my house" (lovely)

"Please do it in the bathtub, it will make less mess. so much easier to wash it all up afterwards."

 

"I was a waste of time for her and she has nothing to show for it,"

 

Whya re you blaming your failure to raise me right, on me? i'm not the way you wanted me to be? Suck it up. I really could care less....."

 

"You're white trash for living in this town,"

 

"No, I'm white trash for letting you live with me. Hell, what was I thinking?!"

 

"I'm a F+++ing A++h++e,"

 

takes one to know one. I learnt all the finest skills from you, Mommy dearest"....

 

"I hate living here, this place isn't good enough for me,"

 

"I'll get the trashbags and help you pack. Can you be out by 4pm?"

 

demanding I get rid of my animals because "she doesn't like the noise and the poop,"

"Funny.... they were complaining the same thing about you...."

 

having me drive all over town blowing 18 gallons of gas in 4 days because she refuses to get a car, and won't look for a job, then sits around screaming and crying at me all day.

There are regular buses, or you could walk. A bit of exercise and fresh air will do you good.

 

I can't take her to parties or gatherings in this town because she gets crass, complains about the town, and uses objectionable language then talks about everyone and how they're losers when we get home.

 

Then - don't - take - her!!

 

I've offered to help her find another place to live but she refuses to leave and curses me out and insults me.

This is your home. Tell her she has until Friday to leave, or you will get her ejected, forcibly. And stick to it!!

 

I am ready to burn down my own home just to get away.

 

Not with her in it, huh?

 

I am devastated by the poor health of my father, the mistakes my boyfriend of 2 years has made, and now having it constantly rubbed in my face by the woman who used to be my best friend. What the heck do I do?

 

You decide how much longer you are prepared to roll onto your back and let her kick you to death, before you draw the line, then stop way before that, put your foot down, and call a halt, now.

It's your right.

This is your home.

You can stop this, by calling a halt, here and now.

Or else - put up with it until the day she either ups and goes of her own accord - or until you kill her.

 

Do you really want it to get that far?

[LuckyLady13]

LuLaLu, I really relate to your post. I was also fed from my "best friend" (mom) for years how horrible my father is but it turns out, my dad is a real caring guy and mom doesn't feel a thing for anyone but herself. And like yours, she will threaten, scream and degrade when she's not getting her way. It sounds to me like your mother kept you close to her side and acted as your best friend for a long time the same way mine did because, quite frankly, no one else would put up with their horrible behavior!

 

I also found a much better relationship with a pretty good guy who had similar problems but cleaned himself up almost two years ago. Things definitely can get better.

 

Just because a person is your parent, that doesn't automatically give them the right to treat you horribly! I haven't seen my mother now in a year and a half and my self esteem is still in tatters some days after all the screaming, guilt trips and degradation I dealt with for all those years from my "best friend". So, a word of warning. You already saw improvements in your life without her in it and you will again when you put a stop to this but the effects on a persons self esteem can last a while. My therapist has had a tough time trying to deal with my low self esteem from years of verbal abuse.

 

 

Having time away from your mother, seems you saw your father finally for who he really is without all that brainwashing. I finally got to see my dad about 2 weeks ago which was nice. He's still married to my mother and puts up with a lot of abuse. He sounds like he's getting ready to leave. I think walking away from my mother may have set a good example for my father.

 

 

Your mother has some pretty serious mental and emotional problems but you allowing her to be abusive toward you is certainly not teaching her anything other than the fact that she can avoid working on her problems as long as she has you. She has no reason right now to change in a positive manner. She may find someone else to treat the way she's treating you but she may not. The more quickly you put a stop to this, the more quickly you will both be better off.

 

 

You don't have to burn your house down to get out of this (and I totally relate to that feeling). Force her to leave and do NOT let this toxic woman around you until she learns how to treat you like a human being. If she doesn't learn, keep her OUT.

[LuckyLady13]

I couldn't get to the last two things in my reply before because I had to leave for a moment. I'd like to get to them now.

 

 

She ends up moving out here with me because she can't find a job.

 

 

I know this is how things seem but reality is she moved in with you because you allowed her to. Not because she can't find a job. I'm in no way blaming you for the way she treats you. But I know how your mother operates from personal experience and she is hoisting her horrible existence onto your shoulders and after all these years, you actually think she is your responsibility. She is not.

 

 

Your mother obviously (from the things you said, her behavior) isn't caring about you. Then, you aren't caring enough about you either to get a toxic, name calling, self-esteem dropping person out of your life? One of you has to start caring about you and since she isn't presently up for the job, are you? She can call you names and threaten you all she wants on her way out the door but at least once that door shuts, you'll know it's over and SOMEONE is caring about you.

[BlackLovely]

Tell her to get the f*ck out of your apartment/house and tell her to get the f*ck out of your life until she can prove that she's worth your time. Yes, it's your mother, but some family members are mother f*ckers. She is ruining what had started to become a manageable existence for you.

 

I think her bottom line is that she is a miserable, miserable woman and she wants others to join her in her misery. She needs professional help. You can try to be the good daughter and try to guide her in that direction, but that's it. You can't do anything with her until she helps herself.

 

Yes! This is great advice. I have an abusive, evil mother too. I haven't spoken to her since January because I will not allow her to poison my marriage with her unpleasant and embarrassing tirades. She doesn't like me, because I stand up to her crazy ass, unlike my Dad and everyone else in our family.

 

I believe that she will be sorry once you set limits. Mothers never know how great their kids are until they are gone. My own mother apparently gets wistful about what a good child I was. Oh well, too late for kindness now!

[GorillaTheater]

Tell her to get the f*ck out of your apartment/house and tell her to get the f*ck out of your life until she can prove that she's worth your time. Yes, it's your mother, but some family members are mother f*ckers. She is ruining what had started to become a manageable existence for you.

 

I think her bottom line is that she is a miserable, miserable woman and she wants others to join her in her misery. She needs professional help. You can try to be the good daughter and try to guide her in that direction, but that's it. You can't do anything with her until she helps herself.

 

Hell yes. I had problems with my mom, maybe not to the level of the sheer hell-on-earth abusiveness you're dealing with, but enough so that at one point I had to cut her out of my life for a while. We get along well enough now, but we didn't reconnect until my boundaries were understood.

 

It doesn't sound like you have much in the way of boundaries, and I think Yamaha's inquiry regarding your self-esteem is well-taken. What your mother is saying and doing is just flat-out intolerable. So don't tolerate it. Make her leave.

[threebyfate]

Find out what the legal eviction notice period is within your jurisdiction and give her a written eviction notice. If she doesn't leave, you have full rights to have the police evict her.

 

Toxic people aren't worth your love, time and energy.

[TaraMaiden]

...No matter who they are.

[harmfulsweetz]

RESPONSES:

 

 

 

"Yes, because I love my food, and it makes me happy to be this way. You've turned misery into a fine art!"

 

 

"Yes, because having a mother like you is such a blessing! I'm ashamed to admit you're my mother...."

 

 

 

"Please do it in the bathtub, it will make less mess. so much easier to wash it all up afterwards."

 

 

 

Whya re you blaming your failure to raise me right, on me? i'm not the way you wanted me to be? Suck it up. I really could care less....."

 

 

 

"No, I'm white trash for letting you live with me. Hell, what was I thinking?!"

 

 

 

takes one to know one. I learnt all the finest skills from you, Mommy dearest"....

 

 

 

"I'll get the trashbags and help you pack. Can you be out by 4pm?"

 

 

"Funny.... they were complaining the same thing about you...."

 

 

There are regular buses, or you could walk. A bit of exercise and fresh air will do you good.

 

 

 

Then - don't - take - her!!

 

 

This is your home. Tell her she has until Friday to leave, or you will get her ejected, forcibly. And stick to it!!

 

 

 

Not with her in it, huh?

 

 

 

You decide how much longer you are prepared to roll onto your back and let her kick you to death, before you draw the line, then stop way before that, put your foot down, and call a halt, now.

It's your right.

This is your home.

You can stop this, by calling a halt, here and now.

Or else - put up with it until the day she either ups and goes of her own accord - or until you kill her.

 

Do you really want it to get that far?

 

 

Excellent post.

 

To be honest, you only have two options

 

1) Kick her out, and tell her until she learns to respect you, and treats you better, you want no more/little to do with her

 

2) Keep with the way things are-you will eventually snap and do something you regret.

 

She has no right to treat you as she is, and you have every right to kick her out. It's hard, and you'll feel bad no doubt-but she's had her chance, she blew it for herself.

 

She has no legal rights to stay there, and as threebyfate said, the police can evict her if she won't leave of her own accord.

 

If you allow her to stay, it's allowing her to abuse you, demean you and bring you down with her. She may be at a crap place in her life, but you're not, you're making a life for yourself. Right now, you should be focused on your Dad, and building a future for yourself, not someone who is hellbent on putting you at a standstill. People like that ooze poison from every pore, and it's contagious, and there'll come a day when you flip. It's better and healthier to just kick her out.

Edited July 13, 2010 by harmfulsweetz

[linwood]

What the heck do I do?

 

I don`t understand the problem.

 

Kick the bitch out.

 

Right now, get up and start throwing her **** out in the road.

 

I`ll never understand this "Honor your mother and father" crap or "Blood is thicker than water.

 

Anyone..ANYONE who lessens the quality of my life is removed from my life immediately.

 

Kick her out and make sure you tell her why.

[Mandikins]

I agree with everyone else. Kick her out! If she doesn't like everything you've done for her and she thinks she can do it better by herself...then let her go. When she comes back crying to you and realizes what a horrible mother she's been to you that's when you lay down the rules (if you want her back in your home)...don't let her come in between the relationship you and your father were able to build. Don't let her get to you...misery loves company! Stay strong and stand your ground!

[torranceshipman]

You need to get that toxic nasty woman as far away from you as possible.

 

Family is something that we are lucky to have, but family consists (in my opinion) of a mix of biological relatives, friends, colleagues who become friends, a romance that ends in friendship and platonic love, the love of your life, your kids....you see where I am going with this. It takes a lifetime for you to meet your whole family. They come to you in many guises. This is characterized by love, respect, and closeness...so choose them wisely! You sound lovely and you sound like you have some great friends. But your biological mom is toxic and kinda lost her rights to all that...I think you need to calmly explain to her that you love her but living together is not an option anymore. Sounds cold but she is going to drag you down forever if you don't.

 

Plus you need to start working on yourself - she's clearly trashed your self esteem.

Edited July 17, 2010 by torranceshipman

[Clep]

This is a severely abusive situation that I would e getting out of if I were you. From what you are describing I am not so sure I would even provide thirty days notice to her. Under these extreme circumstances I would get her out asap, put her things outside in a place where they won't get wrecked, even tarped and let her know she has thirty days to gather her belongings. If she does not do so, you will have them removed via the garbage truck or free signs on them in the front yard.

 

I had to get someone out of my house once. I had a locksmith change the locks when they were out, changed the code on the garage door opener, placed all of their things in the garage and allowed them to come and get them by locking the door to the house and opening the garage door. Simple.

[Trimmer]

When she comes back crying to you and realizes what a horrible mother she's been to you that's when you lay down the rules (if you want her back in your home)

... and further, don't be too quick to welcome her back into your home. If she does supposedly see the error of her ways, and if you are willing to consider reconciliation, (which may or may not be a sensible choice on your part...) then she can start to work on reconciling her relationship with you gradually, and at a safe distance at first. If she's even capable of changing, then she must prove herself, and that will take a long time. Don't let her jump right back in and start the cycle over again. Hold your ground - demand respect, because you deserve it.

[Chinook]

LuLaLu you need to take control of this before you lose it. I was in a similar situation with my Mother almost 3 years ago.

 

My parents split when I was five. I spent a lot of time pining for my Dad. Without going into specifics, my Mum blew their marriage by revealing that she only had me and married my Dad to get away from her own abusive father. My Dad loved my Mom with all his heart and in the 36 years they have been divorced, I have never heard a single negative word out of my Dad's lips about my Mother. That takes some going.

 

During all the years of my childhood and teen years my Mother would rail about how abusive my Dad was, how much he drank (yes he is an alcoholic - will explain later) and how useless he is and how I didn't understand it all. He'd make plans to see us (me and my sister) and wouldn't turn up. My Mother would say that he had let us down again etc etc etc. She would call him all the names under the sun and give us (her) examples of what a bad parent he was!

 

It was only years later that we (my sis and I) discovered that any arrangements my Dad made, were often cancelled by my Mother. She would make his seeing us difficult and as impossible as she could. Add to that, he was a young man who had to live with his own mother when I was five. He didn't know how to cope with the loss of his wife who he dearly loved and his children. He started drinking.

 

Once when he was around 50, I asked him why he couldn't quit drinking... his comment at the time was 'I prefer to drink all day rather than cry all day'. He has never quit and I'm surprised he's still alive to be honest... and yet, he will still never hear a word said against my Mother. On one occasion my Dad tried to commit suicide because he didn't like facing the man he had become - some figment of a poisonous woman's imagination, painted in the eyes of his family and children as a failure... and he didn't know how not to live up to it. He couldn't cope with it. Still can't. My mother essentially destroyed my Dad's life. The man is a wreck now and needs constant nursing care.

 

My Mother on the other hand... grew up in an abusive home. Didn't love my Dad, had only known poison from her own mother and so took the easy way out. Left home, married my Dad, had me and my sis and found herself in a situation she hated. So she destroyed someone else's life in her bid to gain freedom.

 

This is what your Mother is doing to you.

 

Around 3 years ago... I had a huge bust-up with my Mother... where I basically laid everything out bare for her to see how she is with people. I told her she was poisonous, toxic and she re-writes history to paint herself as the victim and as the person who has been wronged. I let rip that day and I cut off contact immediately afterwards. It was around a year and a half before she spoke to me again and she did so on my terms. Now she doesn't treat me like dirt (I was medic, tech support first, daughter last - when I had cancer treatment, she made a song and dance about how awful it all was for her! etc etc). Now she communicates when she wants something and more often than not, she doesn't ask at all.. because she knows I don't buy into her 'I only communicate when I want something' bs. She knows that to form a decent relationship with me, she has to participate - and I won't have a word said against my Dad. She knows not to talk to me about him.

 

Try the all-out approach and make her see who she really is. It may work, it may not. Either way, you haven't very much to lose right now.

[Trimmer]

Try the all-out approach and make her see who she really is. It may work, it may not. Either way, you haven't very much to lose right now.

I tend to agree. Pushing back and standing your ground a little bit - making some small, incremental changes will only mean that you have a chance of reducing the abuse a little bit.

 

I think you need to protect yourself by slamming down some major boundaries quick, firm, and solid. All in. No more. Take it waaaaay back to zero, and then maybe - if and when you are ready - start moving forward. But only if and when you are ready, and only on your terms.

 

This has become such a toxic situation that it isn't one to be treated with small, little changes or shifts. This has gone so far down the tubes that it needs to be treated with a huge change, a gigantic shift.

 

Go nuclear.

[TaraMaiden]

Desperate shame that LuLaLu hasn't been back.

I hope everything is ok.

I'd love to hear how things are with her, and how she's coping.....

[Corporate]

 

I am ready to burn down my own home just to get away. I am devastated by the poor health of my father, the mistakes my boyfriend of 2 years has made, and now having it constantly rubbed in my face by the woman who used to be my best friend. What the heck do I do?

 

It seems like you should have moved your father into your place instead of your mom.

[AVR1962]

LuLaLu.....your mom needs to go!

[Dazzel]

I agree with everyone else. It's your home and you are doing her a huge favor by letting her live with you and running her around in your care.

 

People a lot of times have these ingrained mindsets that you must respect your parents no matter what. This is not for all cases. In your case, she needs to be kicked to the curb immediately.