I still feel terrible...

[Username37]

Hello. I posted a topic here a long time ago titled "I was an emotional abuser and I just realized it now" and this is just an update of how I'm doing.

 

I feel worse then ever. We've been broken up for 8 weeks (2 months) and I'm still beating myself up for all the **** I've done to her. I pulled her away from her friends, I was immature most of the time, and I cracked so many jokes that she didn't find quite funny at times. I stressed her out so much. She was a very hardworking girl and I just added more stress into her life. I hate myself right now. I tried to apologizes. 3 times already. And nothing. She didn't say she forgives me. She's now moving on and I feel like crap. I still really love this girl and she was one of the best things to come into my life and I ****ed that up. I don't know what to do. How can I show her that I learned my mistakes and get her back?

[Ronni_W]

How can I show her that I learned my mistakes and get her back?

I know it's difficult, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

By the sounds of it, you ALREADY know how and have ALREADY done what you know how to do, as far as apologizing and promising something different/better for the future.

The rest of it is not up to you. You did what you can but her wanting you back or deciding to give the relationship another try is not up to you. There is no "how to" make her/others choose what you want her/them to choose rather than follow their own hearts and minds.

 

You can mislabel your actions as having been "emotionally abusive" all you want, and you can beat-up on your psyche and feel as bad as possible about all of it for the rest of your life. It won't make any difference -- her desires, needs, decisions and choices will still not fall under your authority or control.

As well, how you're currently doing things is not "how to" achieve ANY of your goals or meet any of your needs.

 

If, by mentally beating up on yourself, you are scoring for yourself some important benefits and advantages, then by all means. But I would encourage you to re-assess how beneficial and advantageous your self-abuse actually is; how is it positively contributing to your own happiness and success?

[LuckyLady13]

At least you have feelings for someone else and realize your mistakes. That's good. You're not supposed to feel great after treating someone in ways you realize you shouldn't have. You're human.

 

I do agree with Ronni though that she's going to follow her own hearts desire and you can't force her to change how she feels or what she wants right now. You want her to suddenly trust you after having a bad track record. I'm sure she got hurt by your jokes that weren't funny to her and she's had enough. What you're left with now is learning from this experience. You won't do things like this in your next relationship because now you know what the outcome will be.

 

 

Continuing to beat yourself up over what you did won't help you or her. Just learn from it.

[Username37]

At least you have feelings for someone else and realize your mistakes. That's good. You're not supposed to feel great after treating someone in ways you realize you shouldn't have. You're human.

 

I do agree with Ronni though that she's going to follow her own hearts desire and you can't force her to change how she feels or what she wants right now. You want her to suddenly trust you after having a bad track record. I'm sure she got hurt by your jokes that weren't funny to her and she's had enough. What you're left with now is learning from this experience. You won't do things like this in your next relationship because now you know what the outcome will be.

 

 

Continuing to beat yourself up over what you did won't help you or her. Just learn from it.

 

I am learning from it. I believe we were a great couple. It's just that I was having to much fun I guess. Like I didn't care what she thought of me because I was in love ya know? I guess I took her for granted. I want to tell her this again, but I don't want to break NC. It's killing me...

[Engadget]

I made some pretty bad mistakes with my ex I can't quite forgive myself for, it's not easy.

[Username37]

I made some pretty bad mistakes with my ex I can't quite forgive myself for, it's not easy.

 

I know. It's hard as hell. And it's even more painful because every time our exes go on a date with someone else, the new person will look SO much better in comparison.

[sugarmomma]

Someone once told me that "guilt demands punishment". You have to let go of the guilt and just work on being a better person the next time around. You can't go back and change what happened and she will never forget so you might as well make a plan to move forward.

 

I just got out of a situation where the guy said some of the nastiest things I have ever had said to me before the breakup. I am sure he regrets it but I can't be with someone who cannot control the things they say. i wanted to say some things about him but because of a quality called tact- I didn't.

 

Controlling the tongue is a lot of work. Stop beating yourself up because it isn't helping you to build your character, which should be your goal.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

It sounds like you are genuinely trying to change. That is a very good thing, as most people with the issues that you say that you have do not genuinely try to change. You must understand, however, that part of that process for you, may involve losing her. A big part of changing, for someone who abuses emotionally, is realizing that some things are not under your control, and shouldn't be. You have apologized, and you are in the process of doing what you can to change. You have let her know that. Now it's time to back off, and let her make a choice (without trying to manipulate her into making the choice you want).

 

The rest is up to her. If she comes back to you, let that be her choice, and do not continue to try to influence her, as that would be more control-oriented behavior, which is what you are trying to get away from. The "emotionally abuse, she leaves, then be nice to her, beg her to come back, she comes back, things are great for a while, then it goes back to business as usual" cycle is what you need to break.

 

Sometimes change hurts, but whether she comes back to you or not, you will be a better person if you make this change, and you may be able to have a better relationship with her, if she comes back, or someone else in the future, if she doesn't. You may also consider getting some professional counseling. Your motives sound very good, but sometimes a bit of help is not a bad thing.

 

Good relationships are partnerships of equals, and involve give and take. Nobody is perfect, and everyone has flaws. The key is to change this behavior you have realized you have. I know it hurts, but the best answer may be to start again with someone else, without making the same mistakes and repeating the same mistakes that (may have) doomed the relationship you were in.