Daughter doesn't want to go on vacation without boyfriend

[Clep]

I think that dad has a very valid point here. It seems to me that he values his family unit, is showing that and instilling those values in his children.

 

If she lived in my home I would let her know she is a part of the family unit and is required to come on vacation without her boyfriend who does not fit into that role.

[Confused_in_canada]

Yeah, you have to take her. Happened to me many many years ago. I was dating a girl for over a year, I was 17 living at home, paying rent but, still part of the family. Dad wanted to take us to Hawaii. I was like ok let's go yeah I was bummed for a few days but, I got over it.

 

And seriously, these days, there is no reason she couldn't keep in touch with her b/f via her phone, and email...

 

So take her and have fun!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Teenagers are hormonal and when the parents are out of town and there are several beds in the house without any interruption, what do you think they'll do.

 

 

I am not naive enough to think they need a bed or for the parents to be out of town. I just don't think all teens have sex, hormones or not.

[konfuzd]

Tell her that she can't bring BF and if she wants to stay home, you will hire a babysitter for her - preferrably someone from her school/peer group, then she'll make up her mind quick!

[Axel Moses]

Yeah ... age doesn't matter if you are living off of your parents. If she demands that he be allowed to go or she will not, she's demanding the rules set by her landlord be set aside because she doesn't agree with them. That doesn't work in the real world.

 

Living with your parents is placing yourself in a situation open to whatever insane or unreasonable rules they decide to set up. The exchange is that you get to live there for free. You can live somewhere that has rules against any unreasonable demands made by the landlord, but those are called apartments or your own house.

 

And yeah, if her boyfriend is so important to her that she's picking him over the family, chances are if they were left behind you would most certainly have a grandchild on the way at some point around nine months later. Teenage males are generally idiots who only think with their genitalia. The chance to hang out with their girlfriend while the parents are out of town is considered a "golden opportunity". Then the situation boils down to how responsible they are with protection.

 

This is all opinion, of course. It seems to be true from the world I have observed so far.

[maybebaby]

I have to agree. At 18 years old she is old enough to decide and after 9 months she probably considers this guy family. It's up to you if you want to take both or neither but I doubt you will be able to take just her with. Make him pay his own way if you like but I feel that you will only create distance between yourselves and your daughter if you refuse to include him. She loves him and, regardless of the actual odds for or against their relationship working out, she probably intends or at least hopes that he will be around for good. By refusing to include him you are sending her the message that either you don't think he will be around so he doesn't count as family or that you dislike him and that's why you won't include him. It's up to you if having him along is a price you are willing to pay to take her with. If you really dislike him maybe it isn't worth the cost to your ability to relax on vacation but if you like him or don't know him very well maybe you can take this chance to spend some more time getting to know him, who knows maybe he will end up being the one.

[Tres]

I would let my daugther do whatever she wants. If she did not want to go, I would let her have her life the way she feels happy about that.

If I had some serious concerns about her safety, I would rather have them both with me. Otherwise, if they are not the type of kids who are prone to get into serious troubles, they are going to be fine.

I would assume that if people, 18 y.o. are sexually active nowadays, they are aware of contraception and use the pills, therefore, pregnancy can not be in the picture.

Edited August 11, 2010 by Tres

[Corporate]

I would let my daugther do whatever she wants. If she did not want to go, I would let her have her life the way she feels happy about that.

If I had some serious concerns about her safety, I would rather have them both with me. Otherwise, if they are not the type of kids who are prone to get into serious troubles, they are going to be fine.

I would assume that if people, 18 y.o. are sexually active nowadays, they are aware of contraception and use the pills, therefore, pregnancy can not be in the picture.

 

Awareness doens't necessarily translate to access, ownership or usage.

[Stung]

This is hypothetical for me as my kids are not old enough for this kind of drama...yet.

 

I know for a fact that once they are 18, my kids will have heard hour upon hour of lecture from me about birth control and protection and medical facts of sexual behavior. They will also have seen first-hand demonstrations of how to put condoms on a banana and they will have probably been offered a trip to the clinic for the pill, no questions asked. So if I had to leave my 18 year old daughter behind I would try to trust her judgment in that arena at least. If she is sexual with her bf in the first place she doesn't need me to be gone to make that possible, it just makes it more comfortable and convenient.

 

I wouldn't be held hostage to teenage drama queen behavior, I think enabling that kind of entitlement is a bad idea and a poor precedent to set. I would ask that my daughter think hard about the decision she is making, as it is likely the last or one of the last years she will be going on a family vacation with us for a while...and if she chose to stay behind petulantly with her boyfriend, well, then she has chosen to miss out on her favorite city.

 

I wouldn't like leaving her at home alone for ten days, as a reward for her behavior, however. Is there anyone you can request or hire to fill-in as a chaperone? Obviously they wouldn't carry the weight of a real parent, but should be effective at curbing some of the glee of ten days of pure freedom and definitely put the kibosh on any parties. I'm lucky enough to have a bevy of relatives and in-laws around, I'd either stick my kid with them for a while or ask them to come and keep an eye on things.

 

I definitely agree that while an 18 year old is legally an adult, if they are still living at home their adulthood status is limited at best.

[Eve]

Im gonna interject here once more.....If the daughter IS having sex with her bf shes grown...You can yell and scream "shes living in her mothers house" Im sorry but once you get 18 your private parts are yours to control. Shes not 14 yrs old hopefully her parents taught her how to be safe. Her virginity is no longer her parents concern...anywho...

 

I say dont make her go if she doesnt want to....or maybe chat with her about why exactly it is she doesnt want to go....again once you get a certain age vacation with your parents kinda makes ya shutter think about it....would you as a grown woman want to go on vacation with your parents?

 

I would disagree that at 18 the girl is fully a woman. 18 is a statutory marker but this does not mean that a person is really mature! As much as Hubby and I look forward to the day that our kids have homes and lives of their own, we know (from growing up ourselves) that adulthood in the full sense comes around the mid twenties marker. We therefore have agreed that we will still financially support them as well as everything else up to that stage. Obviously they have to be actively making a life etc .. I tell my kids all the time that they will not be adults in my eyes until they are 28!

 

Just wanted to point that out because I would not stand for any of my children thinking they could wave, 'I'm 18 and I can do what I want' in my face..

 

No chance..

 

Our kids come with us still when we go away but they naturally understand they cannot sleep with partners, if partners want to come. It is a respect thing. If I had to explain anything like that, I would feel as though I had failed as a parent.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited August 14, 2010 by Eve

[carhill]

OP, have grandma come and house-sit while you're on vacation. DD is welcome to come along or stay at home as she sees fit. If she chooses to stay home, there will be list of chores on the refer for her to do and grandma will be happy to regale her with home-cooked meals and stories of the 'old days' until the cows come home. Grandma knows all about young men, like your husband once was

 

Have a great trip!

[Eve]

Even in the future when these partners are their spouses?

 

Well, it would be unlikely that their current partners will become spouses but you never know. They have chosen pretty well. Of course once married I would not bat an eyelid. Before that I would feel as though I am in territory I should not be in... knowing a child of yours is havng sex in the room next to you to me is creepy.

 

Thankfully it is creepy to them too.

 

Anyhow, if the daughter stays at home. What Carhill said would pretty much be on the cards. However, I would be pissed if the case in point is that she would not come unless they sleep together. But it is unknown if this is a core issue for the OP.

 

But I am a traditional minded person who considers that only once joined by God via marriage is a person officially family.

 

It would break my heart if my kids started sizing up to me and demanding I break any codes I have raised them with because they are 18... but it seems the way nowadays for many. Not me though.

 

A gradual loosening and handing over of responsibility I can relate to only.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[JamieA]

OP, have grandma come and house-sit while you're on vacation. DD is welcome to come along or stay at home as she sees fit. If she chooses to stay home, there will be list of chores on the refer for her to do and grandma will be happy to regale her with home-cooked meals and stories of the 'old days' until the cows come home. Grandma knows all about young men, like your husband once was

 

Have a great trip!

 

HA HA I love this idea.

 

On another note, don'tcha just love it when someone drops their first post that gets a lot of replies and over a month later, they still haven't returned?

[Not strong enough]

Either take him, if he actually wants to go, or let her stay. She will not be happy if you don't. The boyfriend probably won't either, and even if they don't stay together. Well This could cause problems for you.

 

If she rebel's she could do things she wouldn't normally do. Or the boyfriend could step in, take her from you, even if it doesn't work out it will hurt your family. If she runs off with him, for days, or weeks. Even if she does come back, you wont ever trust her again, so she will resent you, and push her further from you. Granted that is the worst case scenario, but similar things could easily happen.

 

On the other hand, you could take him, as you accept him into your family, he could become your daughters protector when you aren't there. He will respect you, granted they will probably still have sex, they wont do it openly, and things will work out much better.