Sick of boyfriend being broke

[SweetD]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, our relationship is solid and for the most part, heading in the right direction. However, I have become increasingly resentful of how uneven our spending has become lately.

 

At first, he often would pay for dates, go to restaurants, festivals, etc with me and pay his fair share. But lately, if we want to do anything it always falls on my shoulders. He constantly talks about how broke he is, asks me for gas money (which he usually pays back, but still, Im not his mother), says he can't even pay to take his dog to the vet, and never has food in his fridge because, you guessed it, no grocery money. Its becoming unattractive, but mostly Im just plain becoming resentful. I think the most maddening thing is that he doesn't show motivation to CHANGE or DO ANYTHING about it. He just bitches and gets a semi free ride off of me.

 

A little background on his work situation...he has a full time job, but it only pays $12/hr. He is a hard working man, never shows up late, shows initiative and does the job of three people in half the time. To prove this: he was the ONLY person in his department of seven people who didn't get the axe when the recession hit. Needless to say, it is not his work ethic that is the problem here, it is his motivation to make MORE of himself, look for a better paying job or demand a raise. He has been at the same job for nine years and never gotten a pay increase nor sought to "move up" the corporate ladder. He apparantly is fine with his pay...that is until the bills come, or I ask him to do something on a Friday night. Grrr. And everytime I tell him he deserves better for all the hard work he does, and mention him asking for a raise, he changes the subject which I really don't understand. It's like he's too scared to ask or something.

 

So thats that. My boyfriend is living paycheck to paycheck. Barely. And its really frustrating. I love to do things, go out and travel, see the nightlife, visit different parts of my city, etc....but I'm feeling suffocated b/c Im the only one who can afford to and so if I want to do things, I always foot the bill. I'm afraid to address this with because it is a VERY SENSITIVE subject and any time I've brought it up, he pretty much shuts down every time Help!

Edited July 12, 2010 by SweetD

[skydiveaddict]

Your bf needs a new job. 12 dollars an hour just wont cut it.

[Gero]

Your bf needs a new job. 12 dollars an hour just wont cut it.

 

If someone has to make more than $12 to be dateable then that cuts out a ton of people. There aren't a lot of good paying jobs these days for people that don't have a degree of some kind. Some people have all of these degrees and still have to work at Starbucks for example. It sucks.

[Serenitynow]

So what are you prepared to do ?

 

You have 2 choices.

 

Deal with it or leave him

 

And just an FYI this >> face means Laughing your a** off

 

Are you laughing about it ?

 

 

.

[Engadget]

Are you seriously complaining about him not having a better job in an ECONOMIC DEPRESSION/RECESSION?

 

Oh my god.

[Pyro]

Does all that money he makes go towards bills/rent?

 

If any of his money goes toward a hobby of his or something other than bills then he is taking advantage of you.

 

If it is just bills then he needs to get motivated. You are a good GF for helping him, but he needs to better his situation and not rely on you. Helping him temporarily is ok, but he needs to shapen up.

[robdrm32]

I love to do things, go out and travel, see the nightlife, visit different parts of my city, etc....but I'm feeling suffocated b/c Im the only one who can afford to and so if I want to do things, I always foot the bill.

 

So if you break up with him, where will that leave you? Footing the bill for things you want to do.

 

Maybe you two just have different priorities that you should evaluate. Whats his life situation? Is he working full-time and being a bum outside of that?

 

More info about his current life situation would be useful.

[Cracker Jack]

Help, how? You made it clear that you're not pleased with the amount of money he makes, and that you like to go places. Not much help you can get in this situation from people, aside from breaking-up with him. Or convincing him to get another job.

[brainygirl]

I agree that he should have been offered a raise, but when the national unemployment rate is so high is not the time to get demanding with the bosses. As to his money issues, 12 doesn't stretch as far now as it did even a few years ago, and dating in expensive, even if you try to find cheap things to do.

 

As to having to foot the bill if you want to do these things, that's a choice you have to make. If you were a waitress or a nurse's aid and he was the one footing the bill all the time, not only would no one think a think of it, but it would be seen as normal.

 

I'd re-examine what about this is bothering you. Is it that your boyfriend seems to lack the drive and ambition to attempt to improve his situation? Is it that you resent always having to pay when you want to go explore the city? Is it that you feel that you and he are not an equivalent match?

[Serenitynow]

If you were a waitress or a nurse's aid and he was the one footing the bill all the time, not only would no one think a think of it, but it would be seen as normal

 

Ha Ha So true Brainy

 

I bet females hate when a fellow female jumps out of line and voices a non biased opinion

.

[sweetjasmine]

Is it that you resent always having to pay when you want to go explore the city? Is it that you feel that you and he are not an equivalent match?

 

Well, it's not just about going out on dates. OP wrote that he asks her for gas money, complains that he can't take his dog to the vet, and doesn't have money for groceries. So Pyro's question is relevant: does the money he earns go to rent/bills?

 

If he's working full time at $12/hr, can't risk asking for a raise, and still has to borrow gas money from his girlfriend, then he has to figure out a way to cut his expenses. IMO, if you can't afford to take your dog to the vet and can't even afford to buy yourself food and gas, you shouldn't be keeping a pet.

Edited July 12, 2010 by sweetjasmine

[SweetD]

I agree that he should have been offered a raise, but when the national unemployment rate is so high is not the time to get demanding with the bosses. As to his money issues, 12 doesn't stretch as far now as it did even a few years ago, and dating in expensive, even if you try to find cheap things to do.

 

As to having to foot the bill if you want to do these things, that's a choice you have to make. If you were a waitress or a nurse's aid and he was the one footing the bill all the time, not only would no one think a think of it, but it would be seen as normal.

 

I'd re-examine what about this is bothering you. Is it that your boyfriend seems to lack the drive and ambition to attempt to improve his situation? Is it that you resent always having to pay when you want to go explore the city? Is it that you feel that you and he are not an equivalent match?

 

Actually, funny story. I AM a waitress. I also attend school full time and have a two year old daughter I support on my own. Now is something still funny?

 

I am able to afford a life for myself and daughter because I have worked my ASS off to get scholarships and save, save, save. Every time the semester begins I get an excess check from scholarship funds which pay for rent and the rest I don't touch and sock away in a savings.

 

I suppose what bothers me the most about his lack of money is that it makes me scared for our future. I have almost $13 K saved towards the house I'd like to purchase in the next five or so years and I'd like for it be him who moves in with me...but I also want it to feel like a partnership. A mutually accomplished goal ya know?

 

And no, I didn't know meant LMAO. I thought it was just tears. People are slightly aggressive on these forums no?

[Serenitynow]

If he made $20/hr he still could have money problems.

 

Sounds like he should be cutting non-essential things out of his life, dog, cable, internet, etc, regardless of whether he has a gf or not.

 

.

[brainygirl]

Well, it's not just about going out on dates. OP wrote that he asks her for gas money, complains that he can't take his dog to the vet, and doesn't have money for groceries. So Pyro's question is relevant: does the money he earn go to rent/bills?

 

If he's working full time at $12/hr, can't risk asking for a raise, and still has to borrow gas money from his girlfriend, then he has to figure out a way to cut his expenses. IMO, if you can't afford to take your pet to the vet and can't even afford to buy yourself food and gas, you shouldn't be keeping one.

 

It is worisome to think he isn't taking care of his dog . . . but then there is a difference between $50 in puppy shots and $2000 dollars in emergency surgery. There is also a difference between "damnit, its a day before payday and the gas is on E" and "if you want me to hang out, I need gas money".

 

More info is needed before I'm ready to jump his ass.

 

sometimes expenses go up despite our efforts to get them down. Maybe his rent was increased everytime the lease came up for renewal. Maybe he had to buy a new car when his older one broke down. Maybe he's helping his elderly parents. The point is that there is more to the picture than "lives pay check to pay check and is therefore no fun to date".

[SweetD]

Ha Ha So true Brainy

 

I bet females hate when a fellow female jumps out of line and voices a non biased opinion

.

 

Ahem, see above post please.

[Serenitynow]

LOL sweet D me agreeing with brainy has nothing to do with you.

 

Its a FACT that soceity deems that the guy pay for most stuff when dating.

 

And more details are needed if you want better opinions on your story.

[brainygirl]

Actually, funny story. I AM a waitress. I also attend school full time and have a two year old daughter I support on my own. Now is something still funny?

 

I am able to afford a life for myself and daughter because I have worked my ASS off to get scholarships and save, save, save. Every time the semester begins I get an excess check from scholarship funds which pay for rent and the rest I don't touch and sock away in a savings.

 

I suppose what bothers me the most about his lack of money is that it makes me scared for our future. I have almost $13 K saved towards the house I'd like to purchase in the next five or so years and I'd like for it be him who moves in with me...but I also want it to feel like a partnership. A mutually accomplished goal ya know?

 

And no, I didn't know meant LMAO. I thought it was just tears. People are slightly aggressive on these forums no?

 

I've been and am a student, and its very easy to get that big refund twice a year and feel like you're doing good so why can't someone else?

 

I also know that as a single mom and a student, you get a hell of a lot more breaks than a single, childless guy gets. You SHOULD be nervous about the future, because the fact is that many people who a few years ago were making good money are now being priced out of their homes, towns, lives, at no fault of their own.

 

And until you've managed to save that money without getting twice yearly multi-thousand dollar infusions of cash, I wouldn't brag on in too much.

[SweetD]

Here are the expenses of his I know about: rent $750/month, electric approx $75, car payment $150, car insurance $100, he also has a daughter and of course that adds on a lot...believe me I understand in that department.

 

I suppose most of you are right. The more I type the more I realize I may be being unrealistic and selfish. Like I said though, I think my problem more stems from not seeing any motivation on his part to make changes. Its hard hearing him bitch all the time, but also show no attempt at solving the problem.

[Pyro]

Here are the expenses of his I know about: rent $750/month, electric approx $75, car payment $150, car insurance $100, he also has a daughter and of course that adds on a lot...believe me I understand in that department.

 

I suppose most of you are right. The more I type the more I realize I may be being unrealistic and selfish. Like I said though, I think my problem more stems from not seeing any motivation on his part to make changes. Its hard hearing him bitch all the time, but also show no attempt at solving the problem.

 

sit down and talk to him. Is there anything that is considered non-essential (cable TV for example) that he pays for?

 

It is a tough economy and lots of us have had to make sacrifices.

[Art_Critic]

I am able to afford a life for myself and daughter because I have worked my ASS off to get scholarships and save, save, save. Every time the semester begins I get an excess check from scholarship funds which pay for rent and the rest I don't touch and sock away in a savings.

 

OMFG.. and you are upset at him...

 

You are given scholarships that pay your way and you are upset becuase he doesn't make enough.. poor guy..

 

I say you need to dump him so he can find a GF that respects him enough to not look down on him when he hasn't done anything to be looked down on..

 

You really should look in the mirror.. IMO

[Engadget]

Here are the expenses of his I know about: rent $750/month, electric approx $75, car payment $150, car insurance $100, he also has a daughter and of course that adds on a lot...believe me I understand in that department.

 

I suppose most of you are right. The more I type the more I realize I may be being unrealistic and selfish. Like I said though, I think my problem more stems from not seeing any motivation on his part to make changes. Its hard hearing him bitch all the time, but also show no attempt at solving the problem.

 

Cutting expenses and things like that is a reasonable expectation. However saying he should get a raise or a better job is incredibly arrogant and infuriating considering the economic mess we're in, and not likely to escape from for a long time.

 

Our economy will only get worse unless it's puffed up by BS jobs based on credit.

[Serenitynow]

I have no sympathy for people that have kids before they are financially sound to deal with the responsiblilty

 

It usually just causes problems for the child who has done nothing to deserve the situation

.

[sweetjasmine]

Here are the expenses of his I know about: rent $750/month, electric approx $75, car payment $150, car insurance $100, he also has a daughter and of course that adds on a lot...believe me I understand in that department.

 

Oh, wow, he's also raising a child? No wonder he's short on cash.

 

Look, the reason why he shuts down when you bring it up is because he's already aware that he's not making enough to live comfortably and it probably makes him feel like complete crap. It probably makes him feel like less of a man and less of a father.

 

Now that you've explained some more, I think you're being inconsiderate and insensitive.

[SweetD]

Oh and quick note on the dog thing...he has been having to fork over $150 every few months because he gets chronic ear infections from scratching them too often. Mighty expensive. But my baby doesn't wanna give him to the humane society because he's afraid the dog will get killed and we don't know anyone who wants a dog.

 

Brainygirl I understand its easy to save when large chunks of money are coming my way. I guess I sounded cocky...but I deviated from the point I was trying to make anyway. The thing is I don't see him trying to put any money towards paying off bills. It'd be nice just to see him try to do something about it. Even if it was only $50 or so a month. He pays almost $100 for his cell a month cuz he "HAS" to have the internet on the dang thing, plus he does extracurricular sports with rec leagues all the time which he has to pay for. A lot of times, that means "beers with the guys" after too. I don't want him to cut these things out b/c they are important to him (ok well maybe the cell thing can be a cutback, but not the sports) I just want us to be able to DO things and plan for the future.

[Pyro]

Brainygirl I understand its easy to save when large chunks of money are coming my way. I guess I sounded cocky...but I deviated from the point I was trying to make anyway. The thing is I don't see him trying to put any money towards paying off bills. It'd be nice just to see him try to do something about it. Even if it was only $50 or so a month. He pays almost $100 for his cell a month cuz he "HAS" to have the internet on the dang thing, plus he does extracurricular sports with rec leagues all the time which he has to pay for. A lot of times, that means "beers with the guys" after too. I don't want him to cut these things out b/c they are important to him (ok well maybe the cell thing can be a cutback, but not the sports) I just want us to be able to DO things and plan for the future.

 

IMO he should quit the recreational sports for now if he can't even afford food/gas at times.

 

His priorities are not straight there.