She cheated, walked out and i still want her back

[tank]

Ok, so i want to make my marriage work. My wife and I have been together for 10 years have 2 children together and she has 2 children from a previous relatinship. I have custody of all 4, i have the house and i have her brother and mother living in my home. I cant change that situation right now. My wife says she doesn't want a divorce, she is refusing to follow our separation agreement. She still wants affection from me, and wants to be my friend. I am lost as to what i should do here. I love this women, I would take her back in a heart beat. She walked out on us and moved into the home of the man she had an affair with. Money is a big issue, she wants me to now help her financially to afford a place on her own. I have done NC and to be honest it worked a little for me but really drove her away. It is hard with 4 children. I realize that i am in Love with her still, unconditionally. She doesnt want to divorce, she wants to be at the house for her visits with the kids. Right up until the day i demanded an answer from her about the affair she said she loved me and she wanted the marriage to work. She wanted to grow old and watch our grandchildren grow up together. Once she told me, it all changed. She became a different person. Right after she told me, i went away for work for a week, and when i came home she left. She doesnt talk to her family, she has looked up old friends from Highschool, and her new friends from work. OM is a co-worker. She didnt even tell her best friend what was going on and they work together. Now the funny part is she works i the post office so when i redirected all her mail to her new address, everyone at work found out. So she got real mad at that. She hasnt taken care of her issues financially, right down to her pay still going into my bank account and i give her whats left after her bills are paid. Our agreement calls for child support, she is begging me for more time as she needs to get her own place. She has had 3 months to do so and hasnt. She will have to get a 2nd job to live as after her bills and CS she only has $400 to live off of for rent and food and utilities. So what has she done for 3 months? I guess i'm thinking that my behaviour during NC really pushed her away. I really dont want that. I want her to come home. I want her to be part of the family again. My kids are suffering without their mom. In particular my step sons. They lost their dad and now their mom has walked out on them. I have threatened her with Divorce, but to be honest, thats all it is. I have fogiven the affair, live is too short for me to hate her for it. I know what i didnt do in the marriage, i am working on myself to be a better person. I am being a great dad to my kids, and i love every min. of it. The kids have kept me going. I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I just have to know that i did everything i could to make this work. I dont want to have any "what if" questions if this is over. My children are 14, 12, 8 and 6. They need to have there parents, i need to have the women I chose to be my wife and we need our family together. someone please give me some advise as to how i handle her. I know she still loves me. Her only reason she has given me for all of this is "i wasnt happy". Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Our wedding anniversary is this Saturday, and she has the children for the weekend. I took back her gift but is it okay to give her a card?

[wrencn]

Tank, it breaks my heart that you are going through this. The love you feel for your wife shows in your words. I can truly 'feel your pain'. My advice to you, is to let her go and let her fall flat on her face. Don't help her- let her figure it out. Don't get her a card. Nothing. As long as you continue to be there for her, she will continue to take you for granted and run all over you. She's not her self right now, hopefully she will get this out of her system while you still love her the way you do. I wish you the best! I really do...

[confed]

I believe we are in similar places emotionally but our situations are different. I do feel like I want my wife so bad and I would take her back in a heartbeat. Everyone tells me to send her to hell and tell her to F-off. But my loving nature and the feelings I have for her push me away from doing so. On the book I'm reading it says that the first step is to accept your relationship is over and whatever happens in the future even if its getting back together, you have to accept that "this" relationship is over. You have to work on yourself and learn to be on your own to be able to grow as an individual and be ready to be on a "new" relationship weather its back with your wife or with someone else.

[tank]

I have read your post. I have done NC and it just seems to make things worse. I just dont seem to understand her behaviour. She says we are over but she wont let go of things we built up together. Se wants to visit the kids at our home (unfortunatly in separation agreement) she wants to talk to me and be my friend. We are very quickly coming to the last hurdle in our separation agreement where she either has to force the sale of our home or give her interest in it to me. She is upset that i have the support of mine and her families. It really bothers her. I have her mother living in my basement for petes sake and her brother lives with me like one of my children. This whole situation doesnt make sense to me or anyone else in the family. She still wants to be included with events and activities, i cant do that. I can be strong but to be honest, when she is around i am week. I feel she is my soulmate. We have a long history together, we were separate for a number of years but then it just happened and we were in love again and getting married and raising a family. She doesnt seem to want to walk away entirely, is there any advise from anyone who has been through this. I want to stand firm on her behaviour but i did agree for better or worse. Well this is worse, and i still want this. In my heart i know that. I am improving my self, i have gone from a workaholic to a full time dad. I am cooking (learning anyways) kids are good sports about it. I clean, and i do laundry now! I have also been going to the gym 5 days a week for the past 4 months and lost 60lbs. I am doing great, but even though i have other romantic interests right now, i still want to make it work with my wife. I dont want to walk away.

[tank]

Wrencn, thank you for the advise, i will let you know that i am a very prepared man when it comes to special occasions, i did return her Diamond bracelet and got my self a beautiful watch for my anniversary. Just thought i should at least acknowledge the day with her as we arent divorced just yet.

[wrencn]

Wrencn, thank you for the advise, i will let you know that i am a very prepared man when it comes to special occasions, i did return her Diamond bracelet and got my self a beautiful watch for my anniversary. Just thought i should at least acknowledge the day with her as we arent divorced just yet.

my birthday was last monday and my husband didn't even say happy birthday so maybe I'm just bitter wow, she doesn't know what she has. I can't remember the last birthday gift I've ever received. You are a gem.

[Doing it Since '78]

Listen Bro,

 

Don't give her $ hit, give her sorry a$$ brother a month to find someplace to live, and momma either needs to help around the house with the kids, or she can get the feck out too.

 

Stop letting her walk in and out of your children lives as if it's her right. Put an end to it.

 

You are letting her whole family walk over you, stand up and act a fool around that house if you have too, but take your house back. And to be honest, if it was me, her two kids would be traveling with their mother.

 

I wold take care of me and my two biologicals kids only

[tank]

Thanks wrencn, she doesnt know, I am trying to show her. Just cant read her at all in this anymore. She gave up everything that was important to her. I am trying to become a better person, a better father, i think i have that down now. I am improving my health, and have rediscovered some of my old passions. She knows that i will do anything for my family. I guess when i say this took me by surprise it did. We were seeing a counsilor, the funny part was that 2 weeks after we started she moved from an EA to PA. So her heart isnt in it i know that. But will pushing her away and keeping her out of my life and making it harder for her to interact with both orf our families really make her see. It just seems to be pushing her further and further away. I will tell you that she cant live in the house, but 2 weeks ago she said she was moving back into the home and would share a romm with my daughter. Of course i went balistic and told her if she did that, i would drop the kids to grandmas basement apartment and have her removed from the home. She dropped that idea pretty quick, now this past week she asked for another month to not pay child support so she could use that money to get her own place. Everything i have read up until now says its good to get her out of living with the OM if there is any chance. I know that relationship wont last, he was just a work friend that used her. He doesnt want kids ever and kids are a hugh part of her life. She has told her mom it is not long term and he is just a friend with benefits. It just seems that the more i stay in NC and the more i stick to just the facts of our separation agreement, i push her further away from me. She thinks i am trying to screw her about everything. that couldnt be further from the truth, she signed the agreement too. I do love this women, i never used to send flowers or buy gifts in advance then 1 day i realized she was worth it so i did. I have every gift picked out, ordered and paid for from now until valentines day. 10 yrs, i know what we both sacrificed for this marriage. This year i am doing great at work, we are both stable in our careers, so i went a little further in the gift giving then normal. To be honest, i just want to find a solution here. my kids need there mom and dad in the same house. We didn't fight, we didnt yell, we were both very affectionate with each other, i just dont know what happened and all she can say is "i wasnt happy". Thanks for listening wrencn, give whatever advice you wish, i will always listen.

 

Doing it since 1978, well i can understand why you would say that, but my mother in law has been like a mother to me since i was 16 yrs old. Kinda hard to treat her that way, this isnt her fault and i do get a monthly income from her rent. As for my Brother in law, he has lived with me for 5 years. He is like my son, i treat him no different, he is a great help with 4 kids. He gets them to school and looks after them after school until i get home. I am a family man. My step children are my kids, how could i ever separate my 4 children, how could i chose to send them away, i have raised them. Family is important to me. I understand people have different opionions and i appreciate yours, its just not the kind of person i am.

[tank]

Rough one today, i got a call from my youngest son at work today. He was very upset about something and he wouldnt tell me other then that he needed to see me. I left work early and went home. What it comes down to is my stbxw wanted her boyfriend to come to the movies with them tonight. he just doesnt want to spend time with her and him. He was a special little boy to his mom. We lost a baby before he was born and we almost lost him twice. I couldnt think of day where he wasnt sitting cuddling with his mom all the time. He has lost that, he's only 8 but he knows mommy is gone and living with sam, he knows its not right and he misses her. He just didnt want sam to intrude on his time with mommy. Thankfully after i spoke with him he told his mommy how he feels and she respected his choice and sam didnt come. Thank God! my kids dont need that just yet. I have just got them to start settling in to our new family dynamic. I have marked this all down, who knows if it will be important later, and i have sent an email to my kids counsilor so she is aware of the situation. Its only been 4 months and she wants that kind of interaction between her affair partner and our children. What kind of a mother does that to her children, especially so close to one of the most tramatic experiences of their lives. She is off her rocker!

[tank]

Well Hannah, thats just it, these are my kids. I have paid for, loved, hugged and tucked them in for 10yrs. I cant just walk away from them. They are very important to me. I will keep my children together no matter what. Its not their fault so how could i make them suffer more then they already are? If i walked away from them know, what would they have in there life. There father walked away and didnt see them for years, and now there mother has walked away. I can never leave those 2 boys, im all they have. As far as acting like a love sick fool, your right! i am acting like an idiot. I am a stubborn man, I dont like to give up on anything, ever. Its who I am. I made a decision to marry this women and have children with her. That is a life long committment to me. I have looked into my heart and mind on this matter. I have prayed for guidance, and my moral compass tells me not to give up. As far as paying her bills etc. well at least this way I know they are paid and my credit is affected. I'm the principle on the car note, so if she doesnt pay i have to. I do keep the money for the bill payments off of her pay cheque now. So she is paying the bills, just through my account. I cant just walk away, what kind of a man would my children think i am if i did that. If i split them up and said who cares, these 2 are mommys problem?

[Steadfast]

Tank, both you and confed are suffering because using the excuse of 'love and care' you both exhibit the tendency of asking for advice then reject it. You're not listening. You're still looking for that magic formula; something you can say or do to make it all go away. That doesn't exist.

 

Once again, NC (or in your case, limited contact) isn't a ploy to make your walk-away wife see the light. It's for you. You say it makes things worse? That's because your wife is reacting (or not reacting) in an attempt to retain power over you. It's punishment for trying to wiggle out from under her thumb. Can't you see that? nc or lc is _FOR YOU_. To gain perspective, to heal, to put yourself in a position of increased clarity. She doesn't want that; she wants to gaslight and have you available to her. She's getting her jollies sexually with another man and you're mopping up the mess.

 

As for the conflict with her family members and children, ask yourself this; are they in your house because you love them. or because having them there gives you power or leverage over your wife? If you really love them as you say, then tell them. Remind yourself that they have nothing to do with her decision making process. They are innocent bystanders. Tell them that ultimately the courts could change the living arrangement, but as far as you're concerned, they are family and are welcome. Have pure motives.

 

Like most divorces, her cheating and the actions that follow are going to hurt a bunch of people. She knows this, and did it anyway. Why? Because right now, she's more concerned about herself than anyone; even her kids. Is that the kind of woman you want as a wife? Is that someone who deserves your love and devotion? If you really love her like you say, then do her a favor and show her there are serious consequences for her actions. Eject her selfish behavior and make a good example for your kids.

 

Be a man. Be strong. Do everything for the right reason. Expect nothing back...for now anyway. You must pay these dues. The reward will come.

[eeyore1981]

Well Hannah, thats just it, these are my kids. I have paid for, loved, hugged and tucked them in for 10yrs. I cant just walk away from them. They are very important to me. I will keep my children together no matter what. Its not their fault so how could i make them suffer more then they already are? If i walked away from them know, what would they have in there life. There father walked away and didnt see them for years, and now there mother has walked away. I can never leave those 2 boys, im all they have. As far as acting like a love sick fool, your right! i am acting like an idiot. I am a stubborn man, I dont like to give up on anything, ever. Its who I am. I made a decision to marry this women and have children with her. That is a life long committment to me. I have looked into my heart and mind on this matter. I have prayed for guidance, and my moral compass tells me not to give up. As far as paying her bills etc. well at least this way I know they are paid and my credit is affected. I'm the principle on the car note, so if she doesnt pay i have to. I do keep the money for the bill payments off of her pay cheque now. So she is paying the bills, just through my account. I cant just walk away, what kind of a man would my children think i am if i did that. If i split them up and said who cares, these 2 are mommys problem?

 

Tank, I agree with Steadfast's reply to this post.

 

BBM above. Tank, I am a very stubborn woman. And I have learned, the HARD way, there is a fine line between stubborn and stupid.

 

YOU cannot change your wife. Nothing you do, nothing you say, no matter how much you will it, you will not change your wife. It is beyond your control. You can only change yourself. BBM above, you are stubborn, it's who you are. Because, wait for it, you have chosen to be that way. You are unwilling to change yourself, but you think you can change your wife. Think about that, does that even make sense?

 

Regardless of what is laid in front of you, YOU REFUSE to admit you made a mistake. I tell you this from personal experience. I understand. I refused to admit I made a mistake, too, and it almost cost me everything. I have been with my H for 26 years. My pride was at stake. To walk away from this meant I was wrong, it meant I was a failure. Do you see how screwed up that thinking was? That thinking sent me into a dark depression I am working hard to climb my way out of.

 

I am still a work in progress, and I am just at the beginning of it, I have a long way to go. But my thinking has changed, and I am better for it. I now believe I am a good person. I treat people with respect, and I am worthy of being treated with respect as well. I deserve the same love and compassion I give to others. Now, I have turned my stubborness away from "I can make this marriage work, I can make him see the light..." and turned it towards something I actually have control over. "I can make a happy life alone, I can find joy and contentment in my life..."

 

There is a saying, "Would you rather be right or be happy?" I've been right for many, many years, and been miserable. I've decided I would rather be happy. How about you?

[bestplayer]

Well Hannah, thats just it, these are my kids. I have paid for, loved, hugged and tucked them in for 10yrs. I cant just walk away from them. They are very important to me. I will keep my children together no matter what. Its not their fault so how could i make them suffer more then they already are? If i walked away from them know, what would they have in there life. There father walked away and didnt see them for years, and now there mother has walked away. I can never leave those 2 boys, im all they have. As far as acting like a love sick fool, your right! i am acting like an idiot. I am a stubborn man, I dont like to give up on anything, ever. Its who I am. I made a decision to marry this women and have children with her. That is a life long committment to me. I have looked into my heart and mind on this matter. I have prayed for guidance, and my moral compass tells me not to give up. As far as paying her bills etc. well at least this way I know they are paid and my credit is affected. I'm the principle on the car note, so if she doesnt pay i have to. I do keep the money for the bill payments off of her pay cheque now. So she is paying the bills, just through my account. I cant just walk away, what kind of a man would my children think i am if i did that. If i split them up and said who cares, these 2 are mommys problem?

 

My friend , I admire your feelings about your wife's mother , brother & your step-kids . Even if your wife's actions caused you pain , your relationship with her mother , brother& kid shouldn't be affected because of her selfishness & they will always respect you for that .

 

As far as your wife is concerned I would say get rid of her if she doesn't change her ways asap .

 

Best of luck

[tank]

Let me first say that i appreciate all the comments from everyone. I will never split up my children, at the very least they need stability and being split up would ruin that. They are also fortunate that their grandmother and uncle share a home with them. This has been a hugh support network for me and it allows me a ton of freedom to do things for myself. My family unit has been destroyed enough and i cant cause any more hurt or pain to my children.

That being said, I agree with everyone about my own behaviour. I need to kick myself in the a@# and get on with my life. My wifes lack of moral compass concerning her children is enough for me to realize it and the strong comments from all of you was enough to make me take the next step/ I have laid it all out for my MIL and my BIL and the rest of the family for that matter. My home is my home, i have set boundaries concerning my wife and her being there. If they cant keep those boundaries in place then they have to leave or be thrown out. We are all on the same page. No one wants to except this new lifestyle my wife has chosen and by me stating it in black and white the family supports me and they know I will ot back down. I have gone into full NC mode. I willnot discuss anything with that women. Nor do I have to, I have custody of our children and her children. She is more than welcome to text, email me about the kids, If i choose i will respond, if its something that needs to be done i will just do it without letting her know. I want to thank everyone on here for the kick in the a@# that I needed. I will stay strong and move on with me. I look forward to what I make of my life for me and my family. THANK YOU all so very much.

[seibert253]

Hell yeah Tank.

 

This is no longer about her, this about you and the kids.

 

Any of the family don't like, they're free to join her.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am sorry to see you are here. I am also sorry to have to say that you are going to have to face the facts that she is gone.

 

My question is how can you ever trust her again? She is hurting the young and innocent.

 

The kids need you to fight for them, do not let her keep on hurting them. Do not let her off the hook for child support, she is in a sense stealing from the kids and giving it to her scum bag BF.

 

For now, start journaling everything she is doing, her visits, etc. In no way is she to be trusted. CYA - Cover Your A$$, get yourself a voice activated recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times. Just to make sure that she can't call the police to say you have been violent with her and get you arrested.

[tank]

Well guys, I have a custody arrangement in place and i have filed with the Family Responsibility Office for them to collect my child support. I do keep a journal and document everything she does to me or the children. Just in case. I also have the children in therapy so i have that support as well. I will stand up for myself, my children and whats left of my family. She tried to fight tonight when she picked the kids up. I said goodbye to them and ignored her the whole time. She then texts me with stupid questions about the children, i text my son and tell him the answer. I will ignore her until she gets the point. She has walked all over me long enough, its time to regain my manhood. I am strong and I will do this. Thanks everyone

[2.50 a gallon]

Tank

 

Hang in there, you know you are doing the right thing. Keep fighting for the kids, this is a world of adults and they need an adult to fight for them, being as the are still children they cannot properly fight for themselves

 

As for the future, you wife is taking a lonely path. Most likely she and the OM will seperate and she will be left alone. The children when they become adults, will remember her actions, and their emotions towards her will turn to hate. When the grand babies come, in all probability she will be excluded.

 

I know of several similar circumstances where the wandering spouse has followed a similar path as your wife. And in every instance, the wayward one is totally shut out as to being part of their lives, and there is nothing that the cheater can do or say to change the minds of their offspring.

[tank]

Well yesterday was by far the hardest day yet, but i guess everyone has a hard time on their anniversary when sh@# like this happens. To make it worse, she had my children and left them with a sitter so she could use my concert tickets (which she stole from the house and wouldnt give back) with her boyfriend. She could have just left the kids at home with me. I talked with them for a long time, they are so unhappy about this and my daughter made mommy and daddy aniversary presents. Its going to be so hard to get that from my little girl. Kids are so innocent, they only hope that mommy and daddy live together again. We tell them it wont happen, but they still dream. Today is the official start of my new life. I buried the past yesterday, i cried it all out of my system, did absolutely nothing of importance, and today I reclaim my life.

[2.50 a gallon]

Tank

 

Just a warning, I am sorry to say that the roller coaster ride has just begun. I know of what I speak, as I was once in your shoes, but thankfully with out the added responsibilty of children. In the near future it will be a tough road to travel

 

From your posts it sounds like you have the strength to man up and put the kids first. Try to keep that as your target.

 

For your wife someday her world is going to turn very cold. And there won't be a thing she will be able to do to change it.

 

I attended the wedding of my youngest niece last summer. My XBIL attended, he walked out on my sister, it was the first time he had seen his grand kids since they were christened. He does not know where they live to this day. His oldest grandson was then a senior in high school, he had no idea that his grand son had been a starter on his high school football team for the past two years. This hurt my XBIL as he had also been an athelete in HS. He had totally missed out on his grand kids growing up

[wrencn]

Tank, she's not nearly good enough for you. Here's to new beginnings. You deserve so much more, stay strong. I hope she realizes what a fool she's been so she can live with the consequences of her actions. I hope your children adjust to their new situation, it is so hard to watch a selfish parent hurt your children- believe me, I know. Hugs to you!

[tank]

thanks 2.50 and wrencn. I appreciate the encouragement. 2.50 you were right about the roller coaster. Just when i thought things couldnt get worse, my oldest drops the bomb on me. He wants to go live with his real dad. I cant say i didnt expect this, he is confused. His mom left and his dad always asks him during visits. We agreed to talk tomorrow night about it. I hope he is just looking for reassurance from me. I really dont want him to go. I think i will start to hate their mother if i lose my son because of her actions. I guess if anyone has any advise please share it, im lost more now then when she left. I have done everything to keep my family together and it feels like the cards are all falling now. hopefully he will change his mind. hes 14 and can legally decide where he wants to live. i will let everyone know how the talk goes tomorrow.

[2.50 a gallon]

Tank

 

That is why it is called a roller coaster. It describes what you are going to be going thru in the near future. One day, you have it all collected and stacked so nicely and you are looking out at a better life without having to share it with a cheater. Then the next day, you are at the bottom, wondering if you are ever going to be happy again.

 

It takes time before the hills flatten out.

 

I was right in my first prediction and you can count on me being right in the second one about the cheater losing all respect from her children. I have known of a dozen or more cases and in every case the children grow up and totally cut the cheating spouse out of their lives.

 

Also trust me when I say cheating spouses trade down, and betrayed spouses trade up. Someday in the future you will find some one who is so much better that what you had.

[tank]

The ride continues, she refuses not to be at the house cause she needs that time with her family. Last nights visit she cried the entire time and told her brother she hates her life. I walked away when he offered up that information. I dont want to hear about her and i have told both her brother and mother to keep it to themselves going forward. But i have to admit i take joy in the fact she is having a hard time with the choices she has made. My MIL asked me to hang in there just a little longer and i said no, i need to take care of me and she has fuc* up my life enough. She made her bed, now she can ly in it. Talk with my priest last night, confession was good and when i left the church i felt better. I told my stbxw that i dont have the energy to fight with her and i need to focus on me and my family. One day at a time, but to be honest, i cant wait to be off this ride.

[wrencn]

to be honest, i cant wait to be off this ride.

 

I am right there with you buddy! I love this new attitude of yours. Keep moving forward and don't look back!