Help a guy out

[texas34]

My problem is my to be wife and I only have sex once a month if I am lucky (after I clean the whole house and do some begging) we are both 21 years old and we have a beautiful 2 year old son (before he was born we had sex almost every day) she says that she likes it but says the longer she waits the better it is (I do not think so) I have tried everything I can think of videos, books, games, toys, asking what she likes, oral sex. I always make sure she enjoys herself but she just seems to get bored (she watches tv sometimes while haveing sex) most of the time after she has an orgasm she will be done and get dressed or just lie there and expect me to finish so I fake it to get it over with because its like humping a pillow (check that the pillow at least touches me). I know what some are thinkig wait for her to instigate then you know she wants to have sex the last time I did that I waited 4 1/2 months and after she had an orgasm she gave me hand job handed me a towel and went to sleep. Before our son was born she did enjoy sex we tried all kinds of positions she used to perform oral sex and be wild but now it seems it is a chore to her. I am still approched by women so I belive I am an attractive male the only thing besides the baby that has changed is she now takes estrostep birth control could this decrease libido that much. I understand after the baby it takes a while tiget used to but it has been 2 years is there anything I can do to restore her sex drive? I love her and my son very much and would never leave or cheat on her or leave them. could she be cheating on me? I do work long hours sometimes everytime I approch the subject she always says I am the only man she has ever slept with what can I do?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by texas34

the only thing besides the baby that has changed is she now takes estrostep birth control could this decrease libido that much. I understand after the baby it takes a while tiget used to but it has been 2 years is there anything I can do to restore her sex drive?

 

Yes, there are hormonal changes after a baby. Also, birth control can affect libido--TALK TO A PHYSICIAN!

 

I've read that people on Estrostep can switch Loestrin or something else if they lose libido, it has more androgen. Blah, I dunno what I'm talking about really, I'm not a doctor. But there are doctors you can see, you shouldn't have to suffer through this.

 

Good luck.

[Azeele]

Yes! Taking birth control pills/shots/patch, etc. - anything with estrogen/progesterone in it CAN decrease libido. It happened to me when I was on the pill. My libido went waayyy down. It frustrated me because I knew that there was a time when I loved sex --but on the pill, I could care less about making love to my H.

 

So, after many months - it took me that long to make the connection between my bc pills and my plummeting desire - I went off of them. That made all the difference.

[cecelia]

I don't understand how these wives can be so dense.

 

It isnt a matter of personal prefference when you

 

are married you are now obligated to respond to your

 

mate's needs as well as your own! I feel that women like

 

this dont deserve a husband. She may as well be cheating

 

She has defaulted on her end of your relationship. It seems

 

very self centered and foolish of her from my standpoint.

[Azeele]

Let me add to what I said earlier. Yes, it could definitely be that her libido has decreased since the baby's birth and with the bc pill. But, she is doing things that are very insensitive to your feelings. Watching TV while making love?? Giving you a hand job and then handing you a towel? Even when she doesn't feel like sex she could at least show you love.

 

I would suggest you tell her there are some very serious problems in your relationship, as you see them and insist she work on them with you. Maybe show her this post. She should be concerned enough about your happiness to do something about it.

[SoleMate]

I really doubt if she's cheating. Babies typically affect parental sex lives in this way. Even if you clean the whole house, she may be exhausted from chasing your 2 year old. In a case like this, I would say rent a whole stack of Barney videos and put a lot of little snacks and juice boxes in front of the TV.

 

But, there's a lot you can do! Take her to the doctor personally if you have to, strictly for a libido visit. And please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis. It's got lots of practical ideas you can use.

 

There's hope, you can fix this. And you're right, cheating wouldn't be a good idea because it would out even more distance between you. Good luck, and be sure to read other posts from sex-starved marriage partners on LOveShack (use Search).

[katydid]

I just recently got off Depoprevera, the shot, (dec), after being on it for over a year. My sex drive was no where to be found. I actually had to force myself to let my husband touch me. And that was only every so often. After only a month my sex drive is slowly but surly coming back. If this really is her problem, talk to her and let a docter decide what the next step is. There is help!!!!

[peakey]

Yes, I have to agree that bc pills really do affect libido. That's why they're such great birth control! (Joke). But I am glad to hear that you wouldn't consider cheating on your wife. My husband cheated on me because our sex life went down the toilet. Sadly, he didn't consider the possible reasons and just decided I was frigid. But let me tell you, having a husband who cheats is also a libido-killer! It's hard to feel like having sex with someone you resent and are angry with.

 

Kids also sap a lot of energy from you. And there are hormonal changes after childbirth. Don't know if they're "supposed" to last two years or not. I think it takes some longer than others to get back to "normal", whatever normal is. ANd you might never get back to the way it used to be. But you might be able to come up with a compromise.

 

It sounds in your case that more is at stake than just how many times a week you do it. It's an intimacy and affection thing too. Watching tv while doing it??? Not very cozy, is it? How much have to tried to talk to her about this? Have you told her how much it hurts your feelings?

 

Also, maybe you need to get away for a weekend. Don't necessarily expect her to be all over you the first time you go away for a weekend. I have a good friend whose marriage was in trouble. She and her hubby went away for a Saturday night, and they felt like strangers to each other, until they talked about what was troubling them. The next day, they were great together. But no sex. A few months later, they went away again, and couldn't get enough of each other. Now they go away every six months, and it's revitalized their marriage. Just a couple of days every few months away from your kids can really do the trick.

 

I also think that you should either find a book about the issue, or see a relationship/sex therapist. There's a book by an Australian author Rosie King called "Good Loving, Great Sex", which talks a lot about what to do when two partners have different levels of libido. Maybe try Amazon.com for it?? Don't know if it's available in the U.S., but some Aussie bookstores have online ordering, eg. Collins Booksellers and Dymocks (do a Google search for websites). I'm sure they'd ship to America.

 

Best of luck!

[OnlyMe]

When my husband and I first got together we couldn't get enough of each other. Then I had a baby, with the stress of the responsiblity of a new child I didn't need him begging me all the time to take care of HIS needs. It got to the point that I would just give it to him to shut him up, that made me resentful. I could have been a whole in the mattress for all he cared. I felt he didn't care if I was tired, stressed or whatever as long as his needs were being met. I couldn't watch love scenes on TV with him in the same room for fear that it would make him horny and he would be on me again. It got the the point that I couldn't stand him touching me. I thought it was my problem and went to see the doctor, I was asked if I loved him. I was put on Prozac for depression. The longer we stayed together the more resentful I became. It consumed us to the point that I couldn't be in the same room with him. He was a very considerate lover but he felt that I owed it to him as part of my wifely duties. I never felt so relieved as the day I finally walked out thinking that I WAS frigid. Now I didn't have to deal with sex on demand any longer. 6 months later those feeling came back and in a big way but not with him. I realized it was not me but the situation. I suggest you leave her alone and let her know that it is not the act of sex that you need but the intimacy. Treat her as a lover, not a sex partner. Offer to do some things for her like clean the house, take the baby to sitter. Give her a chance to relax and things will happen naturally. Don't EXPECT sex from her. Women need to relax to have sex. Men need to have sex to relax. Give her some space.

[kkat]

I don't have children but I know from experience that Birth Control pills, of different varieties, have had an impact on my libido at different times. Also, it is possible (this happened to a good friend of mine) that she is suffering from a long bout of post-partum depression, or depression in general. There was also another guy who posted on LS back in late Dec/early January with a similar situation.

 

Have you tried to talk to her about the situation in a loving, concerned, unselfish approach?

 

Good luck.

[texas34]

This is just a post to let all of you know thank you for your info and also just to clarify some info before I recive anymore flack for being worried to much about my needs.

I know by no means am I perfect in the relationship but I do try and help out my wife and I both work fulltime so it is difficult for us to keep up on all the chores together and normally have to do them sepretley whenever we have some time off i own my own company so I normally work 50-60 hrs a week and whenever we grt the chance to be home as a family I would rather spend time all 3 of us instead of just 2 of us I do make it a point to get up with the baby every sunday so she can sleep in and be very quiet not to wake her or the baby up on her days off (he will sleep until 9:00 every morning if you let him) I also try to see that the baby spends the night w/ grandparents or aunts and uncles once a month so that she can relax on these occasions bc I know they are rare I do not push for sex (I am not saying I have not tried before either though) bc I know how rare it is and will normally go out to see a movie with her or something just so we can spend some time just the 2 of us I do cook every night and have even started paying the bills so she has less on her plate to deal with I do spend alot of time with the baby I play with him alot and most of my attetion is on him until he goes to bed bc he always wants dad to play with but mommy to cuddle granted I do not do alot of housework though but I do do anyting she asks I have made it a point to try and clean the house with her so I can see how she lokes things done one thing that does discourage me though is that sometimes she will call me from work on my day off and say if you clean the house you might get some (I do not feel like I should be on a reward syestem I do try and cleanup and if she simply asks I will clean as well without sex being involved) and no I do not constatly hound her for sex I do just lie in bed w/ her or give her a back and foot rub just to be with her not for sex.

Im not sure if it was obvious in my last post but part of what I miss is intamicy with her not sex.

[Arabess]

Hey Texas,

She'll be the SAME WIFE posting wondering why her husband is 'cheating' or looking at porn!!!!! The deal is.....if SHE would be intimate with him....he wouldn't go elsewhere.

 

Don't ever use that as an excuse to involve someone else in your life though. IF the relationship doesn't corrrect itself......then PLEASE get out of it....before looking to someone else to fill the gap in your life.

 

What you are going thru isn't fair......not at all. I think it's CRUEL for women to do that to a guy cause they think they have him now that they have a child with him. PLENTY of single women are on birth control with healthy sexual appitites. Anything less....is just CRAP!

 

I wish I had an answer.