How do you build trust again?

[Jambalaya]

I have no idea.

 

He may have cheated, he may not, but he did lie and keep secret and kept lying for 2 months, and would have continued if I hadn't have checked his phone.

 

A lifetime of dealing with cheating men - my father to my mother for the whole of their relationship, my ex husband to me, my uncle to my aunt - whilst swirling round my head is 'if he didn't cheat, then why did he lie?' and thinking on past relationships amongst the women in my family and the way we deal with things.

 

My mother chose to ignore it, even though it hurt her, until 21 years later she got a major slap in the face and even then struggled.

My aunt cut the uncle out.

I cut my ex husband out.

 

I don't know if our methods of dealing with betrayal are necessarily healthy, but my own is simple - end it, cut it off, distract myself with work and friends, don't get heavily involved with anyone and if they get close, end that, then spend years learning to trust again.

 

It sounds weird but for me it's the safest route - yes it hurts, but at least I protected myself from further hurt and mistrust over whether he would do it again and that it hurts less and is more manageable to deal with the pain of the breakup alone.

 

The idea of working through something like this is an alien one. I can't comprehend how to even begin to trust him again, where to start, whether I could even have the strength to put myself through the ups and downs.

 

Once trust is gone, can it ever be worked out and gotten over?

 

How do people do it without thinking they're a mug for giving second chances, without feeling that they've become one of those 'stupid women' who deserve the next bout of pain, because they gave the cheater/liar another go.

 

Pride is one of the few things I have that I have, I'm scared that by giving the relationship another go, I'm exchanging my pride for the uncertainty of a future with a liar.

[JJwantstoknow]

We met nearly two years ago, and from the beginning there has been a strong sexual attraction. Just a couple months in, we both began seeing other people because we had some trust and communication issues between us. As much as I wanted to just walk away, however, I couldn't, and neither could he. A year ago, after a blow up that left us not speaking for two months, he contacted me and said he missed me. I missed him too, so we began seeing each other again --this time, in a mutually exclusive "relationship". Things were absolutely wonderful for about 4-5 months, when he suddenly became sort of distant, and far less interested in sex, which was always a huge part of our relationship. Curious (and dismayed) as to why, I did a little online research, and discovered that he had penis pics and a masturbation video on several gay and tranny web sites. His profiles all identified him as being a bi-sexual daddy type.

 

Though he had always been honest with me about his curiosity about penises (aside from just his own), it was something he had assured me he would never act on because he just isn't attracted to men. When I confronted him about what I found, he assured me that it was nothing more than the exhibitionist in himself acting out a fantasy. Within a few weeks, he had deleted the majority of those profiles (but not all), and I know that he continues to join sites that feature videos of older men with younger ones.

 

I don't necessarily have a problem with fantasies and masturbation (as I do a fair amount of that myself), but when it replaces the real thing, I do have a problem with that. Sex has never returned to the intensity and frequency that it was that first year, and it saddens me. He claims to love me, and though we spend every night together, at either his place or mine (so I know he isn't actually seeing anyone else), it seems he would prefer to spend the majority of his weekend days alone, cruising the internet for more gay porn to masturbate to. :-( This, I have a problem with, but have no way to discuss any of it with him without angering him or making him defensive.

 

I have tried several times to just walk away again, but it is hard, because now my heart is involved, and I really do love the guy.

 

Having said all that, what my question is (for other bi-curious men, as he calls himself --or other women who have dealt with a similar situation) is... How do you deal with this? My self-esteem has suffered quite a bit, but my insecurity does nothing but make him even more angry. He claims he knows I love him and would never do anything to compromise our relationship. Good for him! He is a lucky man. I wish I could feel the same sort of confidence where he is concerned.

 

I don't understand this whole "bi-curious" thing. To me there is no such thing... just a bi-sexual who perhaps just hasn't acted on it yet. Am I wrong? Am I right? ...Is there a chance for us to ever have a "normal" relationship? I can't compete with his attraction to men, as I will never have a penis of my own. :-/

 

Sign me.... CONFUSED.