Author wrencn Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 2sunny- I know you are right. I know I'm being foolish but it is hard for me to think of my husband as a jerk- he was always the 'good guy' very clueless but a nice guy. As for sex, we went months and months without it which led up to his EA, I don't want to withhold affection, but I guess I need to. Today was hard because I was mentally prepared for it to be over, not for this. There was no awkwardness, we were like us during good times. I'm going to pack up the rest of his belongings and give it to him Tuesday (I told him he could see the boys T, Th, and S). I was going to let him see them in the house but I think it is best he take them somewhere (like the park) so I can stay NC and he can fully understand the consequences of his decision. He made this choice. Ok so y'all help me stay strong and kick me in the butt when I start to backtrack like today. Thanks for the tough love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 I'm sorry, I thought he was still willing to try. I'm in the same boat. It takes two to make a marriage work, yours, mine, whatever. My kid wanted to listen to Elvis tonight. I kept picking Suspicious Mind, You Were Always on My Mind and Unchained Melody. Its ok. He doesn't even know what he wants. Oh I can't listen to any love songs these days, my heart can't take it! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 wrencn, I feel terrible for you. I agree with the other posters. STOP THE SEX!!! Odd coming from a man I know, but it is making things worse. OK so he wants to date you, fair enough, well treat it that way. Go back to basics and determine if that spark is still there. For now I might be tempted to forgo MC for the time being; just for now. Don't sit around pineing for him, don't sit around waiting for him. You and I are in (were) in very similiar situations, we just happen to be the opposite sex... It was only when I told my wife very bluntly, "look I am DONE waiting, we either work on it, or we don't". Sure it was a risk, but I had enough, we either attempted to fix our marriage or we went our seperate ways. I think he is stringing you along. Link to post Share on other sites
habs53 Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 It sounds like he's holding out to see if he can get a better catch. If he can't manage to score anyone else, there's always you on the sidelines as a backup plan. Willing to give him sex after a hollow display of affection. Stop letting him walk all over you. I cannot see how this man is looking for a better catch. Just look at the picture. Hopefully this guy comes to his senses before he loses the most important thing in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 What_Next- you are right- I totally agree with you. I made up my mind after reading the last few replies. I am NOT going to date him though- I can't get on with my life if he still has one foot inside the door. And as far as MC, that was never going to happen anyways, so oh well. I guess all I've wanted to be able to say is I TRIED MY BEST! I feel everyone blames me for this and the guilt has caused me deal with my husband's flip flopping. I can move on and not look back now because I did what I could but he wasn't willing to meet me half way. And I'm ok with it. I'm not devastated, I'm relived. And I think he is stringing me along because for the first time he has the upper hand and I'm chasing him and I think he is enjoying it- he has admitted that he does find some pleasure in the fact that I'm sad and hurt over him. I know it sounds silly but I figured I needed to cater to his ego for a while because of his low self esteem. Well I'm done feeding his ego. Habs- my self esteem thanks you dear! Hopefully one day a nice guy, who isn't confused about who he is or what he wants thinks I'm a catch. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 Habs- my self esteem thanks you dear! Hopefully one day a nice guy, who isn't confused about who he is or what he wants thinks I'm a catch. wrencn, COUNT on that. Trust me when you are leasting looking for it, that man will walk right into your life and sweep you off your feet. It will happen. I am glad to hear that you have decided to stop feeding his ego. If he wants you again he EARNS IT! Period. You sound like a fantastic woman and one who any man would be lucky to have. If I wasn't married..... Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 Aw, thanks What_Next, let's add the ability to communicate to the list too lol. $ I never mentioned my husband has Type 1 Diabetes and I have literally saved his life on many occasions because his blood sugar goes low and he passes out. I'm so afraid he's going to die if I'm not there to save him. He had issues with hypoglycemia yesterday and it scares me. He's been in a car wreck that he doesn't remember where he hit 3 other cars and the police had to surround him on the freeway and get him to pull over. They thought he was drunk. He was driving with the hood all the way up covering the windshield after he hit one of the cars. Sigh. He's only 31- I hope he takes care of himself. Sorry that was random but I struggle with guilt about that situation too. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 The ability to communicate is a tough one for us males at the best of times. It can be improved upon though. It's normal to carry the need to be the caretaker. It's a role you've been in for so long now it comes natural. He will have to take care of himself. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 i think clarity is important in this situation. allow yourself time to clear your mind... enough to understand what may or may not be actually happening here. only after plenty of time has passed and you have a clear idea what his actions are telling you - then and only then, with perfect clarity, consider whether or not it's in your best interest to interact with him based upon what his actions show you his intentions are. a man will either make a huge effort or he will go completely away. wait and see what his actions show you without manipulating it by participating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 a man will either make a huge effort or he will go completely away. Unfortunately my husband has never made a huge effort in 11 years of marriage, even when we were separated in '01. He used our oldest son to hurt me, but never made an effort. He's an emotional cripple- I mean even for a man. But like you said, time will tell me everything I need to know. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 Unfortunately my husband has never made a huge effort in 11 years of marriage, even when we were separated in '01. He used our oldest son to hurt me, but never made an effort. He's an emotional cripple- I mean even for a man. But like you said, time will tell me everything I need to know. Thanks! and if YOU need more to be in an emotionally healthy relationship - then it's best to learn to live without him so that you don't have the distraction of him draining your time and attention when it could be useful and well spent on someone who has the ability to reciprocate with healthy balance. relationships aren't meant to be one sided emotionally... Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Just checkin' in with Wren. Any news? How are the kids doing? And you? Link to post Share on other sites
tank Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Hi wrencn, just want to say hi and make sure you were doing okay. I hope your staying strong in your NC and your able to see things clearly. keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 Hey GG!!! How ya been? My boys and I are doing well. We spent all day at King's Dominion (amusement park) yesterday. I got motion sickness and the heat nearly killed me, but it was a great time. The husband has been moved out for a week today and you know what? Nothing has changed for us. I realize now, my husband only offered me financial support. He didn't fulfill any of my other needs- he wasn't a companion to me and although we had sex at times, he most definitely wasn't a lover. My boys and I do much more now that he is gone. I don't know why I wouldn't do things without my husband before, I guess I didn't want him to feel left out or left behind. Now I don't have to deal with that. I guess I'm sitting here wondering why I've fought to stay married to him for so long. I see why so many marriages end in divorce, it is truly the easy way out. I don't know if I was a masochist or just overly loyal. Maybe just stubborn. The way I feel right now is, I don't want him back. All the things about him that drove me crazy but I endured because of love are even more irritating now that we are apart. He is so irresponsible with money and just forgets/neglects to pay the bills and then we get behind. Not because we don't have the money but because he just doesn't pay them. He does things on whims and he has no follow through. He's like a kid. I think he's going through some kinda "crisis" I hope he figures it out soon. I also hate having to text him. I wish I could just do NC but that is nearly impossible with kids. I'm going to a concert tonight and Friday night and the beach on Saturday, so I'm keeping busy and enjoying life!!! Living well is the greatest revenge Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 Hi wrencn, just want to say hi and make sure you were doing okay. I hope your staying strong in your NC and your able to see things clearly. keep your chin up. Hey Tank!!! Thanks for checking up on me. I'm doing well, I hope you are too! Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 That is freakin' awesome!!! One day I'll get on LS and you will be no longer here. I guess that would be a good sign. This forum is like a wheelchair/walker/cane. In that order. Keep on truckin' Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Ooo, Ooo, I have a story. (thread jacker) My wife wants my daughter from my previous marriage to come and spend the night tomorrow night. They were kind of close but not that close. My wife is wanting to spend more time with her now than before we separated. My daughter is 14 and did come over frequently and my wife was a teacher at her middle school. My wife says it's so she can spend time with her little sister (my responsibility I think). Kind of odd, my therapist agrees. My ex wife said no, so she won't be going. What do you make of it?? From a woman's perspective?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 Ooo, Ooo, I have a story. (thread jacker) My wife wants my daughter from my previous marriage to come and spend the night tomorrow night. They were kind of close but not that close. My wife is wanting to spend more time with her now than before we separated. My daughter is 14 and did come over frequently and my wife was a teacher at her middle school. My wife says it's so she can spend time with her little sister (my responsibility I think). Kind of odd, my therapist agrees. My ex wife said no, so she won't be going. What do you make of it?? From a woman's perspective?? Threadjack away! I think since your child together is a baby she has to use your 14 year old for intel or she wants your daughter to report back to you and say how happy your wife is, yada yada yada. Are you still doing NC? If so it is probably driving her bananas! I'm glad your ex said no. Or maybe she cares how the daughter sees her, maybe she doesn't want to be the bad guy, but if they weren't super close to begin with, not sure why she would care. Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 I asked her why she didn't ask me if my daughter could come over and her reply verbatim "I asked her to come to my house thursday so she could see Madelyn and help me while I get things unpacked (from vacation) . I didn't think I needed to ask permission." Wow, really??? I said asking out of courtesy would have been nice. We need to learn to communicate better not worse. And it's been very low contact. Since she told me to move on I've kind of given up and been trying to move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. My guess is I'll be able to hook another one, or be hooked. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 There are plenty of fish in the sea. My guess is I'll be able to hook another one, or be hooked. lol I'm sure you will have no problem! I think once we hit our 30s men gain the upper hand in the dating scene. lol Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 30's oh how I remember thee. I turned 40 in Feb. of this year. And I agree, men do seem to have the upper hand as we age. Link to post Share on other sites
tank Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 wrencn, I dont think anyone ever has the upper hand in the dating scene. Its just hit or miss. Hows everything going? You feeling any better about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrencn Posted July 24, 2010 Author Share Posted July 24, 2010 I'm so mad right now!!! He came by the house while I was gone to the beach. I made him give me the house key but he still had the one for the basement. He said he mowed the lawn (it didn't need it and he never mowed it when he lived here) and he came in and got some of his stuff. I'm pissed because I left my journal out. I don't know if he went into my bedroom and read it!!! I made it clear I didn't want him in the house and he does this! I texted him and told him calmly to give all his keys to our son to give to and tomorrow he needs to get all his stuff. I'm putting it on the porch for him tonight!!! I want to choke him! Maybe I'm over reacting but oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I'm so mad right now!!! He came by the house while I was gone to the beach. I made him give me the house key but he still had the one for the basement. He said he mowed the lawn (it didn't need it and he never mowed it when he lived here) and he came in and got some of his stuff. I'm pissed because I left my journal out. I don't know if he went into my bedroom and read it!!! I made it clear I didn't want him in the house and he does this! I texted him and told him calmly to give all his keys to our son to give to and tomorrow he needs to get all his stuff. I'm putting it on the porch for him tonight!!! I want to choke him! Maybe I'm over reacting but oh well. Its a little something I like calling "reclaiming my life and myself" That's what your doing. Having done twenty-something in the Corps? I've come to realize that I'm the odd-apple out? So to speak? If you understand what I'm saying. The Marine Corps Advertisements state "The Change is Forever" ~ Yea for no freaking s***! Just didn't tell me what the "change was" Your going through the "Change" ~ hang in there and be strong. Your life will forever be changed from what it was. You're going to come out a stronger and better person for it ~ despite the Hell of going through it. Just keep in mind that when your going through Hell? Keep on going until you get to the other side of it! Guns Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I'm so mad right now!!! He came by the house while I was gone to the beach. I made him give me the house key but he still had the one for the basement. He said he mowed the lawn (it didn't need it and he never mowed it when he lived here) and he came in and got some of his stuff. I'm pissed because I left my journal out. I don't know if he went into my bedroom and read it!!! I made it clear I didn't want him in the house and he does this! I texted him and told him calmly to give all his keys to our son to give to and tomorrow he needs to get all his stuff. I'm putting it on the porch for him tonight!!! I want to choke him! Maybe I'm over reacting but oh well. he crossed a personal boundary and disrespected/disregarded your guidelines. is he always so trivial about what you want? does he usually do what he wants whether you're going to like it or not? Link to post Share on other sites
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