Dealing with overprotective parents and moving out

[TheBigQuestion]

Hey everyone, I usually post in the dating section, but I'm having a bit of a family issue that, while I've dealt with in the past, would love to hear any new insights.

 

I'm 23 and have just finished moving about 90 minutes away from my parents' house for the purpose of attending law school. Now, my relationship with my parents has always been what most people would describe as very loving and stable, and I am eternally grateful for it. However, being traditional (South American and Greek) type parents, as well as older than most parents with kids my age are, this has the side effect of them being rather overprotective/ever-watchful of me. I lived away from them when I was an undergrad and typically came home once or twice a month at most, and never for more than a day at a time (not bad considering I lived 40 minutes away at my undergrad). While I received a lot of histrionics about this, particularly from my mother, I managed to get it to the point where I would only speak to them on the phone for a minute or two every other day.

 

Of course, the economy tanked, I found myself jobless, and I moved back home upon graduation, which was in May of last year. The fact that I came back only reinforced their somewhat meddling behavior. No matter where I would try to go, I'd always have to "check in," etc. And of course, now that I've moved out, and the fact that law school does not start until mid-August, I'm being guilted into (and am somewhat expected to be) spending more time at home than here at my new place until classes begin.

 

I honestly do have a problem with this, and it has nothing to do with a lack of gratitude. I feel that at my age, I shouldn't be getting two or three phone calls a day from my parents checking in on me. I've continuously stayed out of trouble and have done pretty much everything a good kid is "supposed" to do. They are just massively worried, overprotective, paranoid people when it comes to me. I got too used to living on my own, and living with them for so long after spending 4 years of college away from them has made my life feel like it's in a state of limbo. The greatest excitement in my life in the past 14 months (and I don't consider the LSAT and law school applications to be exciting) has been the fact that I'm moving out again and living financially independent for the first time.

 

The good part is that my parents are able to recognize that this treatment is a bit excessive, yet this does little to stop them.

 

The bottom line is, I signed a lease that began on July 1st, and I don't feel like wasting my financial aid money by spending a month and a half at home. Yet for whatever reason, I can never convince either of them that I've moved out and, save for a few visits here and there, I have no intentions of returning. My mother has deluded herself into thinking that I'm moving back in with them after I graduate law school. I told her that me doing so should make her very upset, because this would constitute failure on my part.

 

So my question is, how do you deal with people that you care about, who are generally reasonable people, but who are smothering you, without having a blowout argument or having someone's feelings getting genuinely hurt? How do I get them used to the idea that I'm out of there, and that's that?

[norajane]

Yet for whatever reason, I can never convince either of them that I've moved out and, save for a few visits here and there, I have no intentions of returning. My mother has deluded herself into thinking that I'm moving back in with them after I graduate law school. I told her that me doing so should make her very upset, because this would constitute failure on my part.

 

So my question is, how do you deal with people that you care about, who are generally reasonable people, but who are smothering you, without having a blowout argument or having someone's feelings getting genuinely hurt? How do I get them used to the idea that I'm out of there, and that's that?

Why do you have to convince them NOW that you won't be moving back after law school? That's not for 3 years. Why do you need to discuss it now? You won't be able to get them used to the idea. They'll just worry about it for the next 3 years and try to convince you otherwise.

 

Anything can happen in 3 years. You might fall in love and get married. You might get a job halfway across the country. You might not get any job at all and will move back home. You have your plans, but at this point, the future is unknown so don't worry about it.

 

I had overprotective parents of my own. The way to deal with them is be kind and loving and understand that they mean only the best for you. And be grateful for it because that's a hell of a lot more support than a lot of people have. The one thing you know FOR SURE and have always known FOR SURE is that they love you 110% and always will, no matter what. A lot of people don't and never had that - they've never had that unconditional love like that.

 

So make your plans, keep them to yourself, and see what happens. When the time comes to put your plan in action, you do it. If that means moving away, then you move away. But you do it then and until then, there's no need to talk about it. Don't give them 3 years of worrying and anxiety about it until then.

 

With overprotective parents, you have to flip the script. You have to protect THEM from their anxiety. There are a lot of things they don't NEED to know about unless and until it happens.

Edited July 13, 2010 by norajane

[TheBigQuestion]

Why do you have to convince them NOW that you won't be moving back after law school? That's not for 3 years. Why do you need to discuss it now? You won't be able to get them used to the idea. They'll just worry about it for the next 3 years and try to convince you otherwise.

 

Anything can happen in 3 years. You might fall in love and get married. You might get a job halfway across the country. You might not get any job at all and will move back home. You have your plans, but at this point, the future is unknown so don't worry about it.

 

I had overprotective parents of my own. The way to deal with them is be kind and loving and understand that they mean only the best for you. And be grateful for it because that's a hell of a lot more support than a lot of people have. The one thing you know FOR SURE and have always known FOR SURE is that they love you 110% and always will, no matter what. A lot of people don't and never had that - they've never had that unconditional love like that.

 

So make your plans, keep them to yourself, and see what happens. When the time comes to put your plan in action, you do it. If that means moving away, then you move away. But you do it then and until then, there's no need to talk about it. Don't give them 3 years of worrying and anxiety about it until then.

 

With overprotective parents, you have to flip the script. You have to protect THEM from their anxiety. There are a lot of things they don't NEED to know about unless and until it happens.

 

Maybe I should've been more clear. The part that I'm concerned about has nothing to do with what happens 3 years from now, but rather what happens within the next month and a half. I fully agree that my life can be completely different in 3 years. I was referring more towards how to be able to explain, without being abrasive (and that's really the only way that I've been able to relay any of my thoughts on these types of issues to them), that it's not right for me to be expected or guilted into essentially living in two places at once just to satisfy their empty nest syndrome.

[norajane]

"Mom, I'm so excited about my new place, and am getting settled in nicely but have a lot of stuff to do to make it feel like home before school starts. Why don't you and dad come out for a visit in 2 weeks when I've had time to unpack and explore a little? I'd love for you to see it. And I'll make dinner for you (or take you out in the neighborhood)."

 

SHOW them you are an adult, that you want them part of your life even if you are not living at home, and that you have a HOME of your own that you're making.

 

When they want you to come home, be busy. Have all kinds of things you need to do. "I'm so sorry, this isn't a good weekend for me to VISIT. I need to..." And make sure to end the call with "I love you".

 

Again, there's no need to tell them you're not coming home for 6 weeks. You just DO that. Don't broadcast your actions before you need to.

 

Better yet, get a part time job.

Edited July 13, 2010 by norajane

[TheBigQuestion]

Another unfortunate side effect of having overprotective parents is that they tend to spoil you quite a bit. I admit that as far as finances go, I've been quite dependent on them in the past, even though I've insisted on becoming more and more financially independent. It's a difficult situation to deal with because, as you said, I am completely aware that I am fortunate to have grown up in a mostly stable household. At the same time, I'm resentful of the fact that I've had a lot of these things come to me without the same amount of work most other people would put in. Don't get me wrong, they're not buying me BMWs (or any car at all, actually), but let's just say I've never really had to "pay them back" for anything. Most people my age that I know have parents that give them loans, not grants, so to speak. I find myself simultaneously thinking that I'm lucky for this, but I can't help but feel that this type of treatment at their hands has resulted in me not having nearly as much incentive to be as good as I can be in whatever I was focusing. There's just little I dislike more in life than being fussed over, or given gifts/attention that I don't feel I deserve.

[sweetjasmine]

So make your plans, keep them to yourself, and see what happens. When the time comes to put your plan in action, you do it.

 

Agreed.

 

My parents come from almost the same background as yours, and my mother shows a lot of those tendencies, though to a lesser degree. The only way I've been able to deal with it is to make my own decisions and then flat out tell them that's what I'm doing (or in some cases, that's what I've already done ). It doesn't stop my mother from worrying or gulit-tripping -- "I always thought you'd live near our house and I'd come over and help you with the grandkids! " -- but it hasn't harmed our relationship. I find that being firm while understanding their perspective and reassuring them is the best plan of action.

 

Don't feel obligated to go visit. Tell them you're busy because I'm sure there are a lot of things you need to do at your new place to settle in and get comfortable. Your mother may be sad that you're not there all the time, but she'll survive if you tell her, "I'm sorry, mom, but I can't come visit right now," and she's not going to hate you or be mad at you for it.

[TheBigQuestion]

"Mom, I'm so excited about my new place, and am getting settled in nicely but have a lot of stuff to do to make it feel like home before school starts. Why don't you and dad come out for a visit in 2 weeks when I've had time to unpack and explore a little? I'd love for you to see it. And I'll make dinner for you (or take you out in the neighborhood)."

 

SHOW them you are an adult, that you want them part of your life even if you are not living at home, and that you have a HOME of your own that you're making.

 

When they want you to come home, be busy. Have all kinds of things you need to do. "I'm so sorry, this isn't a good weekend for me to VISIT. I need to..." And make sure to end the call with "I love you".

 

Again, there's no need to tell them you're not coming home for 6 weeks. You just DO that. Don't broadcast your actions before you need to.

 

Better yet, get a part time job.

 

These are good ideas. Thanks for sharing them. I've actually done a lot of this before. I guess the key will be to maintain my composure once the waterworks and histrionics come out and to not be immediately dismissive.

[turnera]

Just don't go home. This is about YOU, not them.

 

And get the book The Dance of Anger. It will teach you how to say no, with love.

[turnera]

We're overprotective, too, and I'm always trying to get my DD19 to be more independent, actually. One thing I told her to do while she's away at college is to text her dad. That way, he feels included in her life, but doesn't feel it necessary to intrude. He's so tickled that she texts him that he saves the texts!

[BlackLovely]

Just don't go home. This is about YOU, not them.

 

And get the book The Dance of Anger. It will teach you how to say no, with love.

 

Very good suggestion. I've read the same book and I didn't like it, but it has helped many and will continue to.

[BlackLovely]

Why do you have to convince them NOW that you won't be moving back after law school? That's not for 3 years. Why do you need to discuss it now? You won't be able to get them used to the idea. They'll just worry about it for the next 3 years and try to convince you otherwise.

 

Anything can happen in 3 years. You might fall in love and get married. You might get a job halfway across the country. You might not get any job at all and will move back home. You have your plans, but at this point, the future is unknown so don't worry about it.

 

I had overprotective parents of my own. The way to deal with them is be kind and loving and understand that they mean only the best for you. And be grateful for it because that's a hell of a lot more support than a lot of people have. The one thing you know FOR SURE and have always known FOR SURE is that they love you 110% and always will, no matter what. A lot of people don't and never had that - they've never had that unconditional love like that.

 

So make your plans, keep them to yourself, and see what happens. When the time comes to put your plan in action, you do it. If that means moving away, then you move away. But you do it then and until then, there's no need to talk about it. Don't give them 3 years of worrying and anxiety about it until then.

 

With overprotective parents, you have to flip the script. You have to protect THEM from their anxiety. There are a lot of things they don't NEED to know about unless and until it happens.

 

I don't agree that overprotectiveness is a sign of unconditional love. I think it has more to do with the parent's anxiety and letting go issues.

 

My parents were oppressively overprotective with me and lenient with my brothers, telling me that it was because I was a "girl child". I couldn't even navigate the subway at 20 years old, since I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone!

 

Seven years ago, I finally grew resentful of my parents clipping my wings and not allowing me to mature and be independent. They had the nerve to demand that I pay rent, yet they still expected me to adhere to a curfew! My 3 brothers didn't get such nonsense from my parents. I left home with nothing but the clothes on my back. I knew that if I stayed in that suffocating environment, I would have been naive forever. Of course, I am viewed as "rebellious" and "wayward" just because I didn't want to stay home until I married.

 

My mother also took every opportunity to insult me, compare me to others and hit me. Not very loving at all. I'm currently not in contact with her, because she is too controlling and overbearing when it comes to my upcoming marriage and wedding. My fiance and I need our space.

 

OP, don't let your parent's issues become your own. It's not your problem that they expect you to be a dependent little girl forever. Look up coping.org under guilt; it helped me when I was worried about my fragile father's reaction to my private ceremony. Just do you!

[TheBigQuestion]

I'm a guy btw, but thanks for the advice:laugh:

[bentnotbroken]

TheBigQuestion, I better understand a bit more about your concern for some of our parenting styles. I do appreciate where you are coming from. And I pray things work out the way you need them to.

[Els]

Another unfortunate side effect of having overprotective parents is that they tend to spoil you quite a bit. I admit that as far as finances go, I've been quite dependent on them in the past, even though I've insisted on becoming more and more financially independent. It's a difficult situation to deal with because, as you said, I am completely aware that I am fortunate to have grown up in a mostly stable household. At the same time, I'm resentful of the fact that I've had a lot of these things come to me without the same amount of work most other people would put in. Don't get me wrong, they're not buying me BMWs (or any car at all, actually), but let's just say I've never really had to "pay them back" for anything. Most people my age that I know have parents that give them loans, not grants, so to speak. I find myself simultaneously thinking that I'm lucky for this, but I can't help but feel that this type of treatment at their hands has resulted in me not having nearly as much incentive to be as good as I can be in whatever I was focusing. There's just little I dislike more in life than being fussed over, or given gifts/attention that I don't feel I deserve.

 

Then don't accept it. You are going to law school on their money, as I assume from this post? By that token, I honestly think you are obliged to obey them as long as you live on their cash. I'm not saying this as an outsider - I KNOW exactly how ****ty it feels to have overprotective parents, but I also know that one cannot have his cake and eat it too. By living off them you are still a child in their eyes, and if they want you to call them/visit them/etc when you are away, you had damn well better do so because the sole reason you could even be there in the first place was because of their funding.

[TheBigQuestion]

Then don't accept it. You are going to law school on their money, as I assume from this post? By that token, I honestly think you are obliged to obey them as long as you live on their cash. I'm not saying this as an outsider - I KNOW exactly how ****ty it feels to have overprotective parents, but I also know that one cannot have his cake and eat it too. By living off them you are still a child in their eyes, and if they want you to call them/visit them/etc when you are away, you had damn well better do so because the sole reason you could even be there in the first place was because of their funding.

 

I'm solely responsible for my education and living expenses for the next 3 years. None of my loans are cosigned. They helped me out by paying for some of the stuff I needed for my new place, but that's really as far as it goes.