A Question About NC and something else

[NCdude]

I have read the NC guide and all, but one thing I don't understand is...

Does NC literally mean No Contact?

 

I know that sounds silly but, she just broke up with me and when she texts me(i know i will, she will miss me and said she wants to be friends and said she still loves me, etc.), do I just not reply at all?

 

We just broke up so I have to give her all her stuff back, and all that, probably gonna do it tomorrow.

But while I'm there, I'm gonna tell her sorry about how pitiful I got and for all the begging. I'm gonna say I thought about it and realized what things went wrong and I can understand her. I won't say I'll fix it. I'm gonna tell her I really don't want to talk to her cause I don't do well with breakups and Ive never been able to be friends with people I once dated/loved. Basically, "My bad about last night, I just couldn't handle the thought at first, but I understand what you meant by some of those things and I actually thought of some things my self that may have contributed to this. But anyways, i gotta go. Bye." maybe toss a, "I don't really wanna talk anymore or be friends, I'm not good at it with ex's, it just causes problems for me." Then thatll be it. followed up by a platonic hug and walk out the door. (Sorry for going into all that before getting to my main question, just want some advice on that as well)

 

Now my question is, after this, when i get texts, do I just completely ignore it that very next day? Or just send simple replies like "ok", and "I don't wanna talk", then a day or so after that just move to completely no reply.

This no contact thing, i know, means no contact, but does that mean immediately, day after, no reply or just subtly moving towards that with seemingly uninterested replies for a day or so?

 

Just stuck that bold in there in case someone doesn't want to read it all.

And for anyone who cares to indulge me with the other question....

Am I doing it wrong? Should I not have that small conversation when I meet her tomorrow? I feel like it'd be better than going to no contact, with the last thing she remembers being me crying, begging, saying i'll do anything, etc. All that bad stuff. I want to give her all her stuff, tell her how I got over myself that night and agree that some things may not have been in place for our relationship to work, then just leave.

 

Yes, I am very interested in getting her back. I love how NC helps both me and the chances of getting her back. If i get her back, great, if not, I'll be closing to being healed. But I just want to understand exactly how you execute 'no contact'.

[Thierro]

NC is only for you so you can cope with the whole break-up. It is NOT a tool to get her back. The chances of it are small. It's really not what you need to aim for by doing so. You’ll get hurt in the end. Try to get over her completely and do some self-development along the way. Do the things that you read in the NC guide.

 

Yes. No contact means no contact at all. You can close it off with a good note so she remembers you in a good way and not with all the begging. Throw in some understanding and that this is for the best. You wish her all the best. Be nice about it. Tell her you don’t want to be friends and that you don’t want any contact from now one. Only when she wants to reconcile she may contact you. But it's not like you are waiting for her! Let her know what you want. When she will break contact; Don’t reply! ONLY when it’s a clear message she wants to get back together. Really, all other messages are breadcrumbs to boost her ego and stuff.

 

Ps:

 

Keep the talking short, sweet and to the point when you give her stuff back. Don't explain yourself. If she asks why, you can tell her that this is the way you feel. That you just don't want the two of you to be just friends. That you want to move one when she chooses you guys to split. That you want to reframe yourself and figure things out for your own good.

 

After this little talk between the two of you ALL contact will end at that point and there is a chance that the two of you will never talk again.

Edited July 13, 2010 by Thierro

[NCdude]

Thanks for the reply and for clearing up that NC literally means NC from the very first second.

 

But still, anyone else, please feel free to give more advice on a good closure when I give her things back, what things to avoid during that time. And whether or not Some of those ideas I had of things to say were bad

 

However, one thing about what you said, Thierro. I know NC is for me to cope, but one can't help but aim for it. I can't think of anything other than NC to help me get her back. Thankfully, at the same time, NC will be helping me get over her. I have gotten over someone before and when I was doing it, i was very hopeful for getting them back. This helped me make it through each day... I figured, its ok, you can get them back. Eventually it just slipped my mind. Of course, time to time I thought of them, but yeah.

[Thierro]

We are on the same page. My girl broke up a month ago. Tomorrow I am in NC for exactly one month. I haven't heard a single thing from her and I still want her back, I also hope that NC will get her to realize that she has made a stupid mistake for leaving me.

 

I need to let go of the hope that she will come back. Otherwise I am not going to heal and move on. This will take some time, but eventually I will. But for now I will keep hoping.

 

Things not to do while you are giving her stuff back:

 

I’ve been in a similar situation. She owed me some stuff she borrowed from me, so we got together for coffee somewhere. It was really difficult for me to see her. I kept light conversation, kept her smiling and enjoying herself and I didn’t bring up the past. So far so good! But then, out of nowhere, I felt the urge to kiss her. I went in for the kiss and..she dodged it and I began to cry right in the middle of a café. So yeah, I blew it big time. It’s actually very funny when I look back at it.

 

So; keep yourself together, be collected, be light hearted, don’t bring up the past, be fun, be the guy she fell in love with, don’t get your hopes up, anticipate on her being cold to you, try to feel invincible and that she lost something wonderful. And yeah; Don't cry and don't kiss her..lol

Edited July 13, 2010 by Thierro

[NCdude]

She asked for a kiss right when we broke up. I REALLY shouldn't have given it to her. It was like a last, closing kiss for her prob. I said no, then gave in.

[AlwaysConflicted]

You shouldn't even be around when she grabs her stuff. Just have a friend deal with it for you.

 

She broke up with you so she no longer gets access to you at all. Keep that mentality. You are priceless and she threw you away. Sucks for her.

[NCdude]

This is tough for me. I talked to my parents about it, and both of them agreed that if I do really feel like we were supposed to be together, and the other stresses of life got in the way... Then I shouldn't go NC, but barely contact.

 

Just treat her like i do anyone else, which is maybe reply once or a twice then just forget I'm texting them(sometimes just not even care to reply to the first cause I'm busy). She will become a normal person in my life. my parents say NC will come across rude and hateful, or something like that, and just further turn her off to the idea. She said she wasnt really happy anymore so I don't think that me ignoring her completely would make her feel that I would still make her happy.

 

Now I know that people will reply with stuff like, "Why do you care about seeming rude? She broke up with you!". Well, she said she just wasnt happy in the relationship, and I can't argue with that. I would want her to leave if she really wasn't happy. Just like if I genuinely wasn't happy, I would leave her (after much deliberation, analyzation, and making sure it was the relationship).

 

By treating her like any normal person who talks to me, she still gets the opportunity to think about her decision, get constant reminders of me since I do reply some, then miss getting to go further into the conversations and have me physically around. Of course, NC can help me more and possibly make her think twice even more, but it could backfire pretty badly as well. And frankly, I am fine atm about this, so I don't need the healing of NC... Just yet. I have been through something like this before and know when to get out if I'm struggling over it, and would go to NC then.

[Ilovecake]

NCdude the number one mistake you are making is over thinking the whole thing. Just give her the stuff back and walk away. You are no longer in each other’s lives; you do not owe her any explanations or closing statements. Worry strictly about yourself not about what she might be thinking because that has no bearing on your life anymore.

 

there is absolutely nothing you can do to make someone fall in love with you. No matter what your parents tell you, they don't know they've been together too long to know about breakups. Don't play games because it will only hurt you in the end. People break up because they are unhappy in relationships; this is not some new revelation and doesn't make her special for dumping you. If she wants you back she'll have to come to that on her own, there is no possible way you could influence that.

Edited July 14, 2010 by Ilovecake

[NCdude]

I understand that, but I had also been in the relationship with her for a while.

I know her well and I know her lifestyle. Working a ton and taking classes was not something she was used to. She was stressed out all the time when she got around me, the little bit of time it was anyways.

I strongly feel like this is what caused her to view me as a problem. She was constantly irritable. This was not how she usually was.

 

Since I can't help but feel that her new schedule is the cause, I must try and cater to her coming back to me. Since I strongly feel that she left me because of her stress at the moment, and not because us being together was bad, I will assume it to be true. While assuming it to be true, I feel that if I cut off all ties, I don't want to be being rude to her and make her mad that I am completely ignoring her. It won't aid in her thought process of realizing she made a mistake of concluding that I was the problem. I just want to stay in her head, and seem like the nice guy that I was to her. I don't want her to think I'm and uncaring jerk, which she could easily think if I did NC. But when she doesn't get replied to as fast, or doesn't get a reply at all sometimes, and can't always hang out with me, she could realize what she left and re-evaluate her decision.

 

Now, of course, just because I assume that something is true, doesn't mean it is. I will put in opportunity for myself to be wrong though. If after she changes her schedule, she still is uninterested, then I will go to No Contact to move towards healing myself. This will be soon because she barely, if at all, works during fall(Late August) and spring semesters.

So, my question after all that is, do you think I am making the right approach( of course, assuming that she was wrong)? Would No Contact cater to he realizing her mistake easier? Or am I right about the rudeness, etc. Don't think of it like I need to heal ASAP, I am fine. And small amounts of contact make that even easier. I couldn't constantly be with her or talk to her, but treating her like a distant friend is easy.

Edited July 15, 2010 by NCdude

[NCdude]

I ignored her a bit and when we ended up talking one day she said it seemed like I didn't even care that we broke up. her best friend also told me this. So i guess i did a good job at hiding it all.

 

I did tell her that the break up bothered me after this. Now, if I do need to reach her for something, she makes it hard. So I just feel like "whatever, I'm gonna start ignoring her again". Do I need to do something before doing this? Let her know that I still want her back but I'm gone for now? Or what? if anything.

 

I'm so nervous this was a simple fix, that all I needed to do was try and get her back actively. Should used to worry while we were dating that I didn't really love her. I hope she doesn't see me ignoring her as reassurance that she was right.

[boosh]

NCdude the number one mistake you are making is over thinking the whole thing. Just give her the stuff back and walk away. You are no longer in each other’s lives; you do not owe her any explanations or closing statements. Worry strictly about yourself not about what she might be thinking because that has no bearing on your life anymore.

 

there is absolutely nothing you can do to make someone fall in love with you. No matter what your parents tell you, they don't know they've been together too long to know about breakups. Don't play games because it will only hurt you in the end. People break up because they are unhappy in relationships; this is not some new revelation and doesn't make her special for dumping you. If she wants you back she'll have to come to that on her own, there is no possible way you could influence that.

 

This is absolutely 100% correct in my eyes. I'm dealing with the same exact thing you are right now NCdude, and while making an ass out of myself with the begging and whatnot occured in the first day or so after the break up, by going NC, even in the 5 days afterwards, I can already see the effects it's having on myself in a healing manner.

 

I initially went into NC mode as an intention to win her back eventually. After talking with some people here, and an Ex who I dated for 3 years, I realized that in order for myself to move on, heal, and better myself and the faults I have that have ruined my past 2 relationships, I need to approach the whole NC thing as exacly as it sounds. No Contact. Ever.

 

Going into it with the intensions that it'll magically fix things after a few weeks, months, whatever, is the complete wrong thing to do. I'm guilty of that initially, but like I said, the old Ex really put things into perspective for me, which is exactly why I reached out to her initially.

 

Stay strong buddy, I know what you're going through, and the struggles you're struggling with currently. It does get easier, but you need to put yourself into the mentality that things are over completely, before you're mind will allow itself to begin to move on in reality.

[NCdude]

Well I know all that. I just want to do a a few things before I get over it. That question was a while back... My question now is in my last post. Thanks for your reply though, i appreciate it, really do.