Having a rough couple of days....

[hopeless4u]

Not sure why I'm feeling so low tbh, I went out with friends on Saturday night and had a lovely night and xMM only popped in and out of my head a few times so all good right?

 

Well not so....I dreamt of him Saturday night, one of those vivid dreams that are as clear as day the next morning.

 

In the dream I was gardening (had been thinking of doing my garden as I fell asleep) and he walked through my gate just like he used to but in the dream he had the same hurt look on his face as the one he had when I saw him last week at my office and then it skipped to my office and he was sat at a desk just looking over, again with 'that look' on his face.

 

So Sunday wasn't good, I did my garden and kept as busy as possible but he was there, constantly in my head, I had tears again, from no where and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't push him out, that look on his face is just stuck in my head!

 

Yesterday at work it was the same, I found it hard to concentrate and again tears welling up in my eyes. I would of posted last night but had a call from a 'good friend' from LS who helped me focus but again today I'm feeling low.

 

My mind keeps wondering about 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'is he happy'....

 

I know I shouldn't care and I keep trying to push those thoughts out by telling myself that it makes no difference 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'if he's happy', it's about me right and I do push them out for a while but they just keep coming back!

 

Grrrrrr.....Since this dream every thought is him, every trigger hits me like a ton of bricks again.

 

I know you will shoot me down for this but....when we were together, even times when we went NC it was like we had some sort of mental link, if he was hurting I'd txt for something and he'd be like 'wow you won't believe this but...' and vice versa and this thought has even crossed my mind.

 

He used to say that it took me 6 months to make the decision to leave my xH, to realise that the M couldn't work and he was right and that was why I'd always said I would walk away and stay NC so he could make a decision about his M without any guilt about me and my feelings.

 

I'm not considering contacting him but I have had a thousand conversations with him in my head, written a thousand e mails in my head and, if I'm honest part of me wishes I'd of let him speak to me when he came to my office although I know that would of only made him feel better and me feel worse.

 

Its been 4 months NC, I'm wondering if it's because of the time these thoughts are haunting me, because of the dream or is this just part of my healing??

 

Just need some good advice from the friends that have helped me get this far I guess:o

[califnan]

If you think you are supposed to speak to someone (out of decency) when they approach you in your office - then do so.

 

I have never thought of players as lonely because they will always find/have other women in their lives..

 

Try to remember the destructive portion of the relationship in your life..

 

Also, I have found that eating before I go to bed, can cause dreams .. not always meaningful dreams..

[NoIDidn't]

I know you will shoot me down for this but....when we were together, even times when we went NC it was like we had some sort of mental link, if he was hurting I'd txt for something and he'd be like 'wow you won't believe this but...' and vice versa and this thought has even crossed my mind.

 

This stood out to me, but its off-topic.

 

I have this with an ex. If I think of him, he appears. If I situation strangely leads me to think of him, he's usually going through it.

 

This is how we ended up back in our "situation" years ago. That connection and my thinking of him and him calling "out of the blue".

 

This connection may never materialize into anything concrete or even stable.

 

Don't let thoughts of his assumed emotional state consume you. Its not your cross to bear. You have enough of your plate to even consider distracting yourself from the job of healing you to start thinking about trying to help him heal to.

 

That's how affairs get started. People trying to rescue others via the shortcut of substitution. He still has to deal with his marriage, just like you dealt with yours.

[hopeless4u]

If you think you are supposed to speak to someone (out of decency) when they approach you in your office - then do so.

 

I have never thought of players as lonely because they will always find/have other women in their lives..

 

Try to remember the destructive portion of the relationship in your life..

 

Also, I have found that eating before I go to bed, can cause dreams .. not always meaningful dreams..

 

This is what I have been trying to do to help push those thoughts of him out but they seem to be stronger than me these last few days....

[califnan]

This is what I have been trying to do to help push those thoughts of him out but they seem to be stronger than me these last few days....

 

---------------------

 

keep reading LS stories .. things come up in the posts that will remind you of his character.. and what you have been put through..

[hopeless4u]

This stood out to me, but its off-topic.

 

I have this with an ex. If I think of him, he appears. If I situation strangely leads me to think of him, he's usually going through it.

 

This is how we ended up back in our "situation" years ago. That connection and my thinking of him and him calling "out of the blue".

 

This connection may never materialize into anything concrete or even stable.

 

Don't let thoughts of his assumed emotional state consume you. Its not your cross to bear. You have enough of your plate to even consider distracting yourself from the job of healing you to start thinking about trying to help him heal to.

 

That's how affairs get started. People trying to rescue others via the shortcut of substitution. He still has to deal with his marriage, just like you dealt with yours.

It's very frustrating NID, I know it's not healthy for me to think about him but I just can't seem to shake it!

[hopeless4u]

---------------------

 

keep reading LS stories .. things come up in the posts that will remind you of his character.. and what you have been put through..

I will do C, Thanks for your advice.

[ladydesigner]

Hey girl. I am right there with you. Lately I have been having obsessive thoughts again which are driving me insane. Same thing, how is he doing? does he still think of me? yada yada yada. It's strange how I could go months without caring and then boom out of nowhere. It's like my mind is playing tricks on me. My biggest is just how they can go on as if nothing ever happened. Hell I guess i should adopt that thought process.

 

Hang in there girl! Just know you are not alone.

[hopeless4u]

Hey girl. I am right there with you. Lately I have been having obsessive thoughts again which are driving me insane. Same thing, how is he doing? does he still think of me? yada yada yada. It's strange how I could go months without caring and then boom out of nowhere. It's like my mind is playing tricks on me. My biggest is just how they can go on as if nothing ever happened. Hell I guess i should adopt that thought process.

 

Hang in there girl! Just know you are not alone.

Hey hunny, it's so frustrating, I really thought I had got over the worst of it all and them WHAM!!

 

I keep thinking I need to deal with these thoughts and I do for 10 minutes or so and then they are back!!

 

I feel like I will need to keep myself 'busy' forever at this rate....

 

Big ((hugs)) to you, lets get through this 'wave' together!

 

Not sure what I would of done without LS to off load to sometimes, yes it is like going insane!

xx

[jj33]

Hopeless I hope you arent still feeling this way in 2.5 years but...

 

I just had another dream a few days ago and it made me uneasy. I had been thinking of him for some reason over the weekend and he emailed me the following day.

 

As NID said so well sometimes you have these mental connections but it doesnt mean that the connection is a positive one.

 

I was thinking about it today and if I ever spoke to him other than hello again on any real level (pigs will fly sooner) I would love to say you know, I used to know the sweetest man, he looks just like you but hes not you. And I am sure he would say the same to me.

 

So the mental connection remains but that doesnt mean anything about whether the IRL bit is destined. I am thinking its probably some sort of karmic lesson but not sure what that is.

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless I hope you arent still feeling this way in 2.5 years but...

 

I just had another dream a few days ago and it made me uneasy. I had been thinking of him for some reason over the weekend and he emailed me the following day.

 

As NID said so well sometimes you have these mental connections but it doesnt mean that the connection is a positive one.

 

I was thinking about it today and if I ever spoke to him other than hello again on any real level (pigs will fly sooner) I would love to say you know, I used to know the sweetest man, he looks just like you but hes not you. And I am sure he would say the same to me.

 

So the mental connection remains but that doesnt mean anything about whether the IRL bit is destined. I am thinking its probably some sort of karmic lesson but not sure what that is.

Ohhh JJ I also hope I will not be feeling like this in 2.5yrs time!

 

What is it about this connection that no matter how he has treated me I just can not seem to sever!

 

Its just so frustrating, if any single guy ever left me to deal with the sh*t xMM left me to deal with alone I would have totally kicked him to the curb but for some reason this man still has my heart and I just don't understand why!

I'm now in the process of saving for another trip to the US in November so trying hard to focus hard on that, just getting dragged down with this feeling of 'is he happy?'

[ladydesigner]

Hopeless I hope you arent still feeling this way in 2.5 years but...

 

I just had another dream a few days ago and it made me uneasy. I had been thinking of him for some reason over the weekend and he emailed me the following day.

 

As NID said so well sometimes you have these mental connections but it doesnt mean that the connection is a positive one.

 

I was thinking about it today and if I ever spoke to him other than hello again on any real level (pigs will fly sooner) I would love to say you know, I used to know the sweetest man, he looks just like you but hes not you. And I am sure he would say the same to me.

 

So the mental connection remains but that doesnt mean anything about whether the IRL bit is destined. I am thinking its probably some sort of karmic lesson but not sure what that is.

 

 

Ha Ha Ha...no that would be me 2 years out and still getting random thoughts. Not to t/j but it is true what you say jj33 that the man that I used to know is not that man I know today (not that I should be concerned because I am the MOW:o but feelings were still involved and hurt). That is what we need to keep reinforcing.

[ladydesigner]

Ohhh JJ I also hope I will not be feeling like this in 2.5yrs time!

 

What is it about this connection that no matter how he has treated me I just can not seem to sever!

 

Its just so frustrating, if any single guy ever left me to deal with the sh*t xMM left me to deal with alone I would have totally kicked him to the curb but for some reason this man still has my heart and I just don't understand why!

I'm now in the process of saving for another trip to the US in November so trying hard to focus hard on that, just getting dragged down with this feeling of 'is he happy?'

 

(((hopeless4u))) I so understand this. I don't quite understand it either. I still cannot believe I was treated the way I was in the end almost as if he knew what he was planning on doing the whole time. It makes me

 

It's crazy and I am the married one yet I never told my XOM anything that would lead him to think otherwise, he on the other hand promised me the world. I would have rather he had been truthful throughout the A. Then the ending would not have been so traumatic. It's all the false promises and feelings that they throw at you. Definitely all words and no action. I really didn't like being disrespected the way I was upon ending. My XOM was a real jerk probably a masochist, I think he got off on it.

[Bitlost2]

Ohhh JJ I also hope I will not be feeling like this in 2.5yrs time!

 

What is it about this connection that no matter how he has treated me I just can not seem to sever!

 

Its just so frustrating, if any single guy ever left me to deal with the sh*t xMM left me to deal with alone I would have totally kicked him to the curb but for some reason this man still has my heart and I just don't understand why!

I'm now in the process of saving for another trip to the US in November so trying hard to focus hard on that, just getting dragged down with this feeling of 'is he happy?'

 

OMG I am so with you there!! So much of what you say is like hearing stuff in my own head. You are so not alone. I'm with you all the way!

 

Amazing how once they get in your head they can drag you down for days. Feels like you don't go a minute without thinking about them. I'm really worried about my addiction like behaviour so it's quite reassuring that I'm not the only one!

 

THanks for sharing and big hugs to feel a little better soon x

[hopeless4u]

(((hopeless4u))) I so understand this. I don't quite understand it either. I still cannot believe I was treated the way I was in the end almost as if he knew what he was planning on doing the whole time. It makes me

 

It's crazy and I am the married one yet I never told my XOM anything that would lead him to think otherwise, he on the other hand promised me the world. I would have rather he had been truthful throughout the A. Then the ending would not have been so traumatic. It's all the false promises and feelings that they throw at you. Definitely all words and no action. I really didn't like being disrespected the way I was upon ending. My XOM was a real jerk probably a masochist, I think he got off on it.

Hey LD, xMM never promised me anything except he would always be there for me as a friend no matter what happened....yeah right!!

 

Thats what hurts me, not that he felt he had to work on his M, not that he put his W first but the way he tossed me and my feelings under a bus, not once but 3 times!!

 

Still makes me cry when I type it. If he had just left it when I told him we couldn't be friends once he had gone back to his W I think I would of been better at dealing with it but him and his W dragging me back into it then him treating me like he did just knocked me off my feet.

 

I don't know.......

[hopeless4u]

OMG I am so with you there!! So much of what you say is like hearing stuff in my own head. You are so not alone. I'm with you all the way!

 

Amazing how once they get in your head they can drag you down for days. Feels like you don't go a minute without thinking about them. I'm really worried about my addiction like behaviour so it's quite reassuring that I'm not the only one!

 

THanks for sharing and big hugs to feel a little better soon x

Yeah BL, it is an addiction and for whatever reason we seem to only remember the good bits!

I'm trying very hard to think about the hard times right now, hopefully it will kick my ass into touch and help me get over this very steep hill I seem to have hit.

 

Big ((hugs)) to you, keep posting, LS has been my biggest shoulder when I've needed to lean over the last 4 months and I have made some fantastic friends so not all bad:-)

[ladydesigner]

Hey LD, xMM never promised me anything except he would always be there for me as a friend no matter what happened....yeah right!!

 

Thats what hurts me, not that he felt he had to work on his M, not that he put his W first but the way he tossed me and my feelings under a bus, not once but 3 times!!

 

Still makes me cry when I type it. If he had just left it when I told him we couldn't be friends once he had gone back to his W I think I would of been better at dealing with it but him and his W dragging me back into it then him treating me like he did just knocked me off my feet.

 

I don't know.......

 

I know mine told me I was his best friend (this was after we ended) and then ignored a majority of my emails. It was like I was invisible. He could email me but not the other way around. I know what you say about leaving it at just ending and no friendship.

 

Its funny I was not hurt by the fact that he ended it or that he still had feelings for his girlfriend. It was what you said the being thrown under the bus syndrome. My XAP blamed a whole day spent in a hotel room on me:lmao: I guess he went along with it unwillingly sheesh.

 

This is helping me snap out of it. Thanks for the thread. I needed it too!

[secretlady76]

Not sure why I'm feeling so low tbh, I went out with friends on Saturday night and had a lovely night and xMM only popped in and out of my head a few times so all good right?

 

Well not so....I dreamt of him Saturday night, one of those vivid dreams that are as clear as day the next morning.

 

These dreams happen when your mind is trying to digest emotions and feelings. This is all part of the healing process. Embrace how you are feeling, however rubbish as this is a sign you are moving forward.

 

In the dream I was gardening (had been thinking of doing my garden as I fell asleep) and he walked through my gate just like he used to but in the dream he had the same hurt look on his face as the one he had when I saw him last week at my office and then it skipped to my office and he was sat at a desk just looking over, again with 'that look' on his face.

 

So Sunday wasn't good, I did my garden and kept as busy as possible but he was there, constantly in my head, I had tears again, from no where and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't push him out, that look on his face is just stuck in my head!

 

You need to have these tears and to feel this rubbish. It's all part of the grieving process and you know YOU WILL feel better in a couple of days so get on with it...these feelings won't last.

Yesterday at work it was the same, I found it hard to concentrate and again tears welling up in my eyes. I would of posted last night but had a call from a 'good friend' from LS who helped me focus but again today I'm feeling low.

 

My mind keeps wondering about 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'is he happy'....

 

It probably wouldn't make much difference if you knew how he was feeling. In fact it would make you feel worse so don't bother wondering.

 

I know I shouldn't care and I keep trying to push those thoughts out by telling myself that it makes no difference 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'if he's happy', it's about me right and I do push them out for a while but they just keep coming back!

 

See above!!

 

Grrrrrr.....Since this dream every thought is him, every trigger hits me like a ton of bricks again.

 

These dreams ALWAYS set you back in one respect but they are a sign that things are getting better. Trust me, you will feel better in a couple of days.

 

I know you will shoot me down for this but....when we were together, even times when we went NC it was like we had some sort of mental link, if he was hurting I'd txt for something and he'd be like 'wow you won't believe this but...' and vice versa and this thought has even crossed my mind.

 

Lots of people talk of this mental link. I had it with MM, or so I thought anyway. I knew when things were happening to him, I just got this feeling.

 

He used to say that it took me 6 months to make the decision to leave my xH, to realise that the M couldn't work and he was right and that was why I'd always said I would walk away and stay NC so he could make a decision about his M without any guilt about me and my feelings.

 

I'm not considering contacting him but I have had a thousand conversations with him in my head, written a thousand e mails in my head and, if I'm honest part of me wishes I'd of let him speak to me when he came to my office although I know that would of only made him feel better and me feel worse.

 

It would have made you feel worse and it would have given you ANOTHER conversation to dissect and over-analyse for weeks...

 

Its been 4 months NC, I'm wondering if it's because of the time these thoughts are haunting me, because of the dream or is this just part of my healing??

 

Just need some good advice from the friends that have helped me get this far I guess:o

 

Stay NC, embrace the feelings. You will go back to square 1 if you go back. I promise you that!!!

 

__________________

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not?

[ladydesigner]

I feel sad that there are women and men out there that fret over men/women that should never have been a part of their lives.

Spending time worrying about a married man and who/what/how he is doing seems like such a waste of precious time and energy.

There are so many single and available people out there...looking for a genuine and trustworthy partner. To lower ones standards to allow cheaters and liars into our lives, sells us short.

Forget about the immorality of infidelity for a minute. Just consider the absolute waste of time and energy that goes along with the deed. IMHO, it just is a monumental waste of life.

 

Agreed I was just thinking about this that I have wasted 2 years of my life still wondering. I am beginning to think it is an OCD thing and every time I get a thought I try and push it back out. I have never had this problem before in my life with anyone. The whole A dynamic is a joke. I know this, I feel like an idiot. At least I don't hurt anymore that's one good thing...now to just get rid of the afterthoughts..hmmmm

[hopeless4u]

Not sure why I'm feeling so low tbh, I went out with friends on Saturday night and had a lovely night and xMM only popped in and out of my head a few times so all good right?

 

Well not so....I dreamt of him Saturday night, one of those vivid dreams that are as clear as day the next morning.

 

These dreams happen when your mind is trying to digest emotions and feelings. This is all part of the healing process. Embrace how you are feeling, however rubbish as this is a sign you are moving forward.

 

In the dream I was gardening (had been thinking of doing my garden as I fell asleep) and he walked through my gate just like he used to but in the dream he had the same hurt look on his face as the one he had when I saw him last week at my office and then it skipped to my office and he was sat at a desk just looking over, again with 'that look' on his face.

 

So Sunday wasn't good, I did my garden and kept as busy as possible but he was there, constantly in my head, I had tears again, from no where and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't push him out, that look on his face is just stuck in my head!

 

You need to have these tears and to feel this rubbish. It's all part of the grieving process and you know YOU WILL feel better in a couple of days so get on with it...these feelings won't last.

Yesterday at work it was the same, I found it hard to concentrate and again tears welling up in my eyes. I would of posted last night but had a call from a 'good friend' from LS who helped me focus but again today I'm feeling low.

 

My mind keeps wondering about 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'is he happy'....

 

It probably wouldn't make much difference if you knew how he was feeling. In fact it would make you feel worse so don't bother wondering.

 

I know I shouldn't care and I keep trying to push those thoughts out by telling myself that it makes no difference 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'if he's happy', it's about me right and I do push them out for a while but they just keep coming back!

 

See above!!

 

Grrrrrr.....Since this dream every thought is him, every trigger hits me like a ton of bricks again.

 

These dreams ALWAYS set you back in one respect but they are a sign that things are getting better. Trust me, you will feel better in a couple of days.

 

I know you will shoot me down for this but....when we were together, even times when we went NC it was like we had some sort of mental link, if he was hurting I'd txt for something and he'd be like 'wow you won't believe this but...' and vice versa and this thought has even crossed my mind.

 

Lots of people talk of this mental link. I had it with MM, or so I thought anyway. I knew when things were happening to him, I just got this feeling.

 

He used to say that it took me 6 months to make the decision to leave my xH, to realise that the M couldn't work and he was right and that was why I'd always said I would walk away and stay NC so he could make a decision about his M without any guilt about me and my feelings.

 

I'm not considering contacting him but I have had a thousand conversations with him in my head, written a thousand e mails in my head and, if I'm honest part of me wishes I'd of let him speak to me when he came to my office although I know that would of only made him feel better and me feel worse.

 

It would have made you feel worse and it would have given you ANOTHER conversation to dissect and over-analyse for weeks...

 

Its been 4 months NC, I'm wondering if it's because of the time these thoughts are haunting me, because of the dream or is this just part of my healing??

 

Just need some good advice from the friends that have helped me get this far I guess:o

 

Stay NC, embrace the feelings. You will go back to square 1 if you go back. I promise you that!!!

 

__________________

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not?

Thanks SL, every answer you gave I answered myself I think!

 

I am greatful that you have told me this is normal and yes hopefully it will pass.

 

I have promised myself I WILL NOT let myself dwell on this and I certainly will NOT contact him but if he contacts me I honestly can not promise I won't reply....

[secretlady76]

Thanks SL, every answer you gave I answered myself I think!

 

I am greatful that you have told me this is normal and yes hopefully it will pass.

 

I have promised myself I WILL NOT let myself dwell on this and I certainly will NOT contact him but if he contacts me I honestly can not promise I won't reply....

 

Ok, well, think of it like this. If a girlfriend of yours simply dumped you as a friend, wouldn't answer your texts/emails etc, you'd be hurt and upset. If she then contacted you out of the blue, being all sweetness and light, I bet you that you would ignore her or tell her to ****off. Well, do the same with him. Trust me, the power you will feel by NOT replying is huge, amazing, brilliant!!! Remember, the one who cares the least has the most power. Take back that power.

[Hazyhead]

Hey h4U!

 

Hope you're having a better day today, hon. Downpoints are still normal, I reckon... that's what I tell myself when I get them anyway. We suffered a bit of trauma and loss, and you don't just get over things overnight. You've been doing so well, getting yourself back again, and your brain has fired this one dream at you. That's natural - he was a big part of your life, but think about it, give yourself a moment and then knock it out of play.

 

You're better than this and you can do it.

 

P.S. I think you'd have to be crazy to respond to him after the selfish way he treated you.

[hopeless4u]

Its strange LD, all this stuff going round my head again. I think part of what gets me down is the thought of this going on forever!!

I was thinking today, does he feel like this?? Why can he just switch his feelings off, if he does? How can he just carry on like its just another day when he knows what I am going through.

I guess I wonder if he even cares how I'm still feeling?

This transparency other BS's talk about when their WS has had an A, I know he still hasn't given her the 'full' truth about certain things, things he should never of told me about their life and things that have happened, he also hasn't locked me out of his calendar at work and I know he can because he has done in the past when I left him and told him to sort his M out.

 

All these things are just driving me nuts again!!

[hopeless4u]

Ok, well, think of it like this. If a girlfriend of yours simply dumped you as a friend, wouldn't answer your texts/emails etc, you'd be hurt and upset. If she then contacted you out of the blue, being all sweetness and light, I bet you that you would ignore her or tell her to ****off. Well, do the same with him. Trust me, the power you will feel by NOT replying is huge, amazing, brilliant!!! Remember, the one who cares the least has the most power. Take back that power.

Yes SL, if a friend did that to me I'd be pissed but I would still give them a chance to explain then give them a piece of my mind.....its all just crap right now, my head is all over the place.

[hopeless4u]

Hey h4U!

 

Hope you're having a better day today, hon. Downpoints are still normal, I reckon... that's what I tell myself when I get them anyway. We suffered a bit of trauma and loss, and you don't just get over things overnight. You've been doing so well, getting yourself back again, and your brain has fired this one dream at you. That's natural - he was a big part of your life, but think about it, give yourself a moment and then knock it out of play.

 

You're better than this and you can do it.

 

P.S. I think you'd have to be crazy to respond to him after the selfish way he treated you.

Hey Hazy, still down and still got him all over my brain!!

Yeah I know its all part of this whole crap place I'm in but sometimes I just wonder when I can just move on like he has.

I understand part of it is rejection but this just seems to get to me more than anything I've ever been through, even my xH cheating was easier than this!!

 

I compared it to a friend today like giving up smoking, you give up because you know its bad for you and could eventually kill you but spend the rest of your life wanting a cigarette and who knows if its the smoking that will be the reason you die in the end!!