Having a rough couple of days....

[ladydesigner]

Its strange LD, all this stuff going round my head again. I think part of what gets me down is the thought of this going on forever!!

I was thinking today, does he feel like this?? Why can he just switch his feelings off, if he does? How can he just carry on like its just another day when he knows what I am going through.

I guess I wonder if he even cares how I'm still feeling?

This transparency other BS's talk about when their WS has had an A, I know he still hasn't given her the 'full' truth about certain things, things he should never of told me about their life and things that have happened, he also hasn't locked me out of his calendar at work and I know he can because he has done in the past when I left him and told him to sort his M out.

 

All these things are just driving me nuts again!!

 

Yes this is what scares me too. Because I still don't have a day where he at least pops in my head once. I wonder the same as you. I tell myself that my XAP doesn't think of me at all. It is what I believe to be true. I think he made his decision and made no second thoughts about it...probably never looked back. Although his emails after ending told me otherwise. I think men have better ways of shutting their thoughts and emotions down. Maybe they don't have the same brain wirings the way us women do:p

 

About the transparency thing I understand how you feel. While I still have not told my H about what happened, I think my XAP hasn't told his long-time girlfriend either. At this point in my life I just feel what is the point? So I can suffer in my M even more. Maybe this is why he is not telling her the whole truth.

 

These A's are a tricky business. I know what I felt for my XAP was love and unfortunately we both had a SO. I think neither of us expected to fall for each other. I don't think a M person or an attached person ever expects to have feelings for another person and when it happens it is just oh so confusing.

 

I believe your MM loved you as well.

 

Hope you find yourself in a better place today. Each day brings something new to learn, both hard and worthwhile. One day we will get there. One day we will look back and feel okay with everything. I know it.

 

We get stronger through the hard lessons and will become better people for it.

[hopeless4u]

Yes this is what scares me too. Because I still don't have a day where he at least pops in my head once. I wonder the same as you. I tell myself that my XAP doesn't think of me at all. It is what I believe to be true. I think he made his decision and made no second thoughts about it...probably never looked back. Although his emails after ending told me otherwise. I think men have better ways of shutting their thoughts and emotions down. Maybe they don't have the same brain wirings the way us women do:p

 

About the transparency thing I understand how you feel. While I still have not told my H about what happened, I think my XAP hasn't told his long-time girlfriend either. At this point in my life I just feel what is the point? So I can suffer in my M even more. Maybe this is why he is not telling her the whole truth.

 

These A's are a tricky business. I know what I felt for my XAP was love and unfortunately we both had a SO. I think neither of us expected to fall for each other. I don't think a M person or an attached person ever expects to have feelings for another person and when it happens it is just oh so confusing.

 

I believe your MM loved you as well.

 

Hope you find yourself in a better place today. Each day brings something new to learn, both hard and worthwhile. One day we will get there. One day we will look back and feel okay with everything. I know it.

 

We get stronger through the hard lessons and will become better people for it.

xMM told me before his W's OD that we would always be friends and he would always love me although he needed to 'try' with his M and see if they could work it out and that I could handle.

I can't help but think he is there for all the wrong reasons and I know everyone says this and I know I could be and probably am wrong but it grates on me over and over that his W taking the OD has freaked him out and he really can not see the wood for the tree's.

I guess now I wish I had let him speak to me the other week, I think if I looked him in the eyes and he told me he was happy I could move on but 'that look' on his face was so broken, so hurt and I think that is why this dream has hit me so hard.

 

I have dreamt about him loads since the break up but nothing like this.

 

I just want this done one way or the other.

 

Cute guy at work was all chatty and hanging around today and I was just like 'yeah whatever'......

[jj33]

I can reassure you on that front. The thoughts still arise from time to time but they become much much less signficant. You are able to dismiss them a lot more quickly over time or think oh yeah oh well thats life. It stops haunting you in the same way.

 

It is for whatever reason harder to get over than a normal relationship but you do. Be patient with yourself.

[ladydesigner]

I think once we have processed our A situation until we realize we don't need to anymore is when it will be done. I agree with jj33

You are able to dismiss them a lot more quickly over time or think oh yeah oh well thats life. It stops haunting you in the same way.

I have gotten to this point where the situation doesn't cause me immense pain, but the thoughts are still there. I wonder when the thoughts will go away completely and then maybe come back once or twice a year. Is that asking too much really? Arrrggghhh I always think of these thoughts as being so senseless. And as you say hopeless4u that even your X's infidelity didn't cause you as much pain as this did, this is the same for me. In fact my ending is more comparable to someone close dying, but even then I shouldn't compare it to a tragedy like that. I have never not been able to get over someone, or rejection. I get rejected every day at work over a design that is not working out. It is mind boggling. Maybe I have lost my mind:laugh:

[hopeless4u]

I think once we have processed our A situation until we realize we don't need to anymore is when it will be done. I agree with jj33 I have gotten to this point where the situation doesn't cause me immense pain, but the thoughts are still there. I wonder when the thoughts will go away completely and then maybe come back once or twice a year. Is that asking too much really? Arrrggghhh I always think of these thoughts as being so senseless. And as you say hopeless4u that even your X's infidelity didn't cause you as much pain as this did, this is the same for me. In fact my ending is more comparable to someone close dying, but even then I shouldn't compare it to a tragedy like that. I have never not been able to get over someone, or rejection. I get rejected every day at work over a design that is not working out. It is mind boggling. Maybe I have lost my mind:laugh:

I just have so much stuff going round my head and it still hurts like hell, my heart still aches for him.

 

I'm wondering/hoping maybe if its the final part of me letting him go? Maybe my heart and mind are finally agreeing with each other and this is my heart having its final grieving sesson??

 

It scares me to think I will never speak to him again although I know if he stays with his W there is no way I can ever speak to him again. Maybe I was holding out for him to come back telling me he loved me and it was me all along and now I have finally come to terms that will never happen....i just don't know, all of these things go through my mind trying to make sense of my emotions.

 

I need to get a grip as my work is suffering and that really would just be the end for me.....

[ladydesigner]

I just have so much stuff going round my head and it still hurts like hell, my heart still aches for him.

 

I'm wondering/hoping maybe if its the final part of me letting him go? Maybe my heart and mind are finally agreeing with each other and this is my heart having its final grieving sesson??

 

It scares me to think I will never speak to him again although I know if he stays with his W there is no way I can ever speak to him again. Maybe I was holding out for him to come back telling me he loved me and it was me all along and now I have finally come to terms that will never happen....i just don't know, all of these things go through my mind trying to make sense of my emotions.

 

I need to get a grip as my work is suffering and that really would just be the end for me.....

 

You are only four months NC right? You will not hurt like this in a year. Thinking about him probably. It will be 2 years this month the last that I saw my XAP and it will be 12 months NC next month. The only hurt I feel now is how could he ignore me like that in the end (i.e. unanswered emails, etc). Other times I feel hurt about how could I have let myself be led on in that way. Much of my hurt is self-inflicted, but I no longer hurt over never seeing him again. Hearing from him again...yes i hurt from not hearing from him as I take it as a sign of him not giving a s**t.

 

I remember the times when I could feel myself accepting and letting go and that would scare me. I was still trying to keep the A alive even if it was all in my head. I realized after a year that it was time to let go. I went through a great stage of anger which has finally passed. During this time I blamed him, hated him, you name it.

 

I have finally come to a point of understanding and forgiving both myself and him and feel like I am finally really letting it all go, but it doesn't stop the occasional thought.

 

I am sorry your heart is still aching. Mine did for a LONG time. Probably longer than it should have. In time. I know it so cliche but time tends to dull the pain and memories. I will probably always think of him now and then, its not everyday that you find that kind of connection for me it was the only connection that took hold of me so strongly. Now I have to let it go. I think some soulmates (if they do exist) maybe meet at the wrong time.

Edited July 14, 2010 by ladydesigner

[hopeless4u]

You are only four months NC right? You will not hurt like this in a year. Thinking about him probably. It will be 2 years this month the last that I saw my XAP and it will be 12 months NC next month. The only hurt I feel now is how could he ignore me like that in the end (i.e. unanswered emails, etc). Other times I feel hurt about how could I have let myself be led on in that way. Much of my hurt is self-inflicted, but I no longer hurt over never seeing him again. Hearing from him again...yes i hurt from not hearing from him as I take it as a sign of him not giving a s**t.

 

I remember the times when I could feel myself accepting and letting go and that would scare me. I was still trying to keep the A alive even if it was all in my head. I realized after a year that it was time to let go. I went through a great stage of anger which has finally passed. During this time I blamed him, hated him, you name it.

 

I have finally come to a point of understanding and forgiving both myself and him and feel like I am finally really letting it all go, but it doesn't stop the occasional thought.

 

I am sorry your heart is still aching. Mine did for a LONG time. Probably longer than it should have. In time. I know it so cliche but time tends to dull the pain and memories. I will probably always think of him now and then, its not everyday that you find that kind of connection for me it was the only connection that took hold of me so strongly. Now I have to let it go. I think some soulmates (if they do exist) maybe meet at the wrong time.

 

WOW LD, the bolded part has just made me cry my heart out!! I think that has hit the nail on the head, this really is about me finally letting him go...still crying....

 

Not sure I want to/ready to let him go.....

[ladydesigner]

WOW LD, the bolded part has just made me cry my heart out!! I think that has hit the nail on the head, this really is about me finally letting him go...still crying....

 

Not sure I want to/ready to let him go.....

 

I'm sorry sweetie. I hope you're not at work right now. It is good to cry and get it out. I know. I didn't want to let go either. You will on your own terms and you will be okay. Just remember what an amazing woman you are and how much you have to offer to the right man. How much you have to offer to yourself.

 

Big hugggssss(((hopeless4u)))

[hopeless4u]

I'm sorry sweetie. I hope you're not at work right now. It is good to cry and get it out. I know. I didn't want to let go either. You will on your own terms and you will be okay. Just remember what an amazing woman you are and how much you have to offer to the right man. How much you have to offer to yourself.

 

Big hugggssss(((hopeless4u)))

 

No hunny I'm at home now, it's 8.50pm here. My son is out with his girlfriend so I can cry:o

 

I have come so far over the last few months but I have cried so much alone, I keep that brave face on for my friends even though I know my 2 best friends know me so well they both know I'm still hurting but I guess I've been in the 'fake it till you make it' zone and I'm still there:o

 

I used to be so confident about myself and xMM used to say I just had this 'way' of making people feel good when they were around me, I don't feel that anymore, I actually don't feel anything anymore....I feel like I've lost all of my fire:sick:

[ladydesigner]

No hunny I'm at home now, it's 8.50pm here. My son is out with his girlfriend so I can cry:o

 

I have come so far over the last few months but I have cried so much alone, I keep that brave face on for my friends even though I know my 2 best friends know me so well they both know I'm still hurting but I guess I've been in the 'fake it till you make it' zone and I'm still there:o

 

I used to be so confident about myself and xMM used to say I just had this 'way' of making people feel good when they were around me, I don't feel that anymore, I actually don't feel anything anymore....I feel like I've lost all of my fire

 

Not for long girl. There will be an explosion and it will be in your near future. You will be on fire again. Give it time trust me on this. You will come back with a more brighter and powerful fire.

[hopeless4u]

Not for long girl. There will be an explosion and it will be in your near future. You will be on fire again. Give it time trust me on this. You will come back with a more brighter and powerful fire.

 

Thank you hunny, I sure hope so. I just want to be me again, I know these bad times will come but gosh when they do it hurts so bad...

 

Thanks for helping me through this, I know I'm like on a high one day then ready to give up the next but I needed to get all this off my chest just to feel like I could breath again, guess it gets heavy when you hold stuff in, right?

 

I have the best friends and family ever but they do worry and its not fair I put on them all the time.....again LD, thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me....I really do feel like just giving up somtimes:o

 

xxx

[ladydesigner]

Thank you hunny, I sure hope so. I just want to be me again, I know these bad times will come but gosh when they do it hurts so bad...

 

Thanks for helping me through this, I know I'm like on a high one day then ready to give up the next but I needed to get all this off my chest just to feel like I could breath again, guess it gets heavy when you hold stuff in, right?

 

I have the best friends and family ever but they do worry and its not fair I put on them all the time.....again LD, thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me....I really do feel like just giving up somtimes:o

 

xxx

 

You've got it;) That's why we are all here on LS. Thank god for LS I don't know what I would've done without it.

[Hazyhead]

(((((((((H4U)))))))))

 

I'm sorry you're so down right now. I do know where you're coming from, I do. Today I was thinking about how I miss my friend, aside from everything, I miss our friendship. I shared every little bit of my day with him, however possible and I miss doing that. Sometimes something happens and I think 'He'd have loved that'... so yeah, H4U, I get your loss. BUT there's nothing I can do about it and, despite what I feel, nothing I would want to do because when all's said and done, he isn't mine and isn't going to be. Even if he did come knocking on my door with his divorce I wouldn't be able to trust him... he told me so many things that he didn't follow through with and that still hurts. How could I ever think he would put me first? H4U, your man is the same; he put himself and, in the end, his wife first and that is the same man you want to change his mind?

 

... Whatever the reason he's still with his wife you need to let it go sweetie. It makes no difference and, at this moment, is just tricking your mind into thinking it would be okay to accept him back. I wish I could take this away for you because the hurt is horrible.

 

Realise this though, he didn't 'reject' you because of you, he did so because of him.

 

Stay strong - you're doing well.

 

(I don't mean to soud harsh, I just don't want you to put him back up on his pedestal as he does not deserve to be there. You're better than him.)

[hopeless4u]

You've got it;) That's why we are all here on LS. Thank god for LS I don't know what I would've done without it.

 

Yeah me neither, I don't come on to often and I try not to give advice as my advice is probably not stable right now but it would be nice to think in time I could help other people like you and others have helped me.

 

I don't say it often enough but I have made some fantastic friends here, online and in the flesh....the tears have stopped, thanks again:) xx

[Hazyhead]

Go on and get yourself flirting with your work guy!

[Hazyhead]

Yeah me neither, I don't come on to often and I try not to give advice as my advice is probably not stable right now but it would be nice to think in time I could help other people like you and others have helped me.

 

I don't say it often enough but I have made some fantastic friends here, online and in the flesh....the tears have stopped, thanks again:) xx

 

This has definitely helped me (not that my advice is of any use) because it reaffirms the positive messages I need to rememeber and brings strength. I have read your advice posts in the past and they were so thoughtful and poignant. When I was in a mess you held out a hand through your words. You should give that gift to others too

[hopeless4u]

(((((((((H4U)))))))))

 

I'm sorry you're so down right now. I do know where you're coming from, I do. Today I was thinking about how I miss my friend, aside from everything, I miss our friendship. I shared every little bit of my day with him, however possible and I miss doing that. Sometimes something happens and I think 'He'd have loved that'... so yeah, H4U, I get your loss. BUT there's nothing I can do about it and, despite what I feel, nothing I would want to do because when all's said and done, he isn't mine and isn't going to be. Even if he did come knocking on my door with his divorce I wouldn't be able to trust him... he told me so many things that he didn't follow through with and that still hurts. How could I ever think he would put me first? H4U, your man is the same; he put himself and, in the end, his wife first and that is the same man you want to change his mind?

 

... Whatever the reason he's still with his wife you need to let it go sweetie. It makes no difference and, at this moment, is just tricking your mind into thinking it would be okay to accept him back. I wish I could take this away for you because the hurt is horrible.

 

Realise this though, he didn't 'reject' you because of you, he did so because of him.

 

Stay strong - you're doing well.

 

(I don't mean to soud harsh, I just don't want you to put him back up on his pedestal as he does not deserve to be there. You're better than him.)

 

No Hazy, you don't harsh, just real....I know he isn't the man I fell in love with but I also know that man is still inside him somewhere.

 

Whether it was just a part of him that was there just for me and has gone for good or a part of him that has just been 'put back in his box' by his responsibilities to his family, that man I fell in love with will be there in my heart forever but I do realise I need to draw a line somewhere and just put this behind me.....its just very hard....

[hopeless4u]

This has definitely helped me (not that my advice is of any use) because it reaffirms the positive messages I need to rememeber and brings strength. I have read your advice posts in the past and they were so thoughtful and poignant. When I was in a mess you held out a hand through your words. You should give that gift to others too

 

Not sure what advice I gave but I'm glad it helped:confused:

I think sometimes just being there for someone so they can get things off their chest helps, sure does for me.

 

Come to think of it Hazy, as I've just typed this I do remember our chats, mostly PM's ect;) ahhhh you see I'm better at 1 on 1 chats:D xxx

[Hazyhead]

Not sure what advice I gave but I'm glad it helped:confused:

I think sometimes just being there for someone so they can get things off their chest helps, sure does for me.

 

Come to think of it Hazy, as I've just typed this I do remember our chats, mostly PM's ect;) ahhhh you see I'm better at 1 on 1 chats:D xxx

 

you're good at both hon. I agree, knowing someone is there for you or going through something similar and so understands makes it less... hopeless. You have a way of making someone feel their emotions are valid. You're certainly better at that than me with my 'Pffft, get over it!' whilst inwardly dying myself

 

Kidding! I'm okay, honest!

[hopeless4u]

you're good at both hon. I agree, knowing someone is there for you or going through something similar and so understands makes it less... hopeless. You have a way of making someone feel their emotions are valid. You're certainly better at that than me with my 'Pffft, get over it!' whilst inwardly dying myself

 

Kidding! I'm okay, honest!

 

Aww thank you babe, it does make all this sh*t worth while I guess when someone else gets to feel a little bit better for anything I can give:o

 

I think we all help each other when we have bad days and someone says its ok, it normal and I felt that too.....

 

This place we have all found ourselves in is just the worst ever but being able to off load here without being shot down helps so much even if sometimes we(I) would like to come over as so 'with it' and holding it together, its so helpfull sometimes to just loose it and still not be judged....babbling now right???

 

Tired, I need my bed....xxxx

[Hazyhead]

Aww thank you babe, it does make all this sh*t worth while I guess when someone else gets to feel a little bit better for anything I can give:o

 

I think we all help each other when we have bad days and someone says its ok, it normal and I felt that too.....

 

This place we have all found ourselves in is just the worst ever but being able to off load here without being shot down helps so much even if sometimes we(I) would like to come over as so 'with it' and holding it together, its so helpfull sometimes to just loose it and still not be judged....babbling now right???

 

Tired, I need my bed....xxxx

 

Night hon. Sleep well and have GOOD dreams xxxx

[silverplanets]

 

....

 

Well not so....I dreamt of him Saturday night, one of those vivid dreams that are as clear as day the next morning.

 

....

Yesterday at work it was the same, I found it hard to concentrate and again tears welling up in my eyes. I would of posted last night but had a call from a 'good friend' from LS who helped me focus but again today I'm feeling low.

 

My mind keeps wondering about 'how he is', 'what he's thinking' and 'is he happy'....

 

.....

 

Grrrrrr.....Since this dream every thought is him, every trigger hits me like a ton of bricks again.

 

 

Hi H4u,

 

Not sure if this will help but over the past 9+ months of NC I noticed that there were times when vivid memories/dreams/feelings suddenly appeared ... oddly enough they were often when I was feeling really good about how it was all going with me ...

 

 

My take on them now is:

 

a) We have a wonderful ability to shield ourself from harm ... sometimes this means that our minds hide certain things from us when it doesn't feel we can quite handle processing it at that time .... as we heal and get stronger it realises we are able to handle new "revelations" and so it then releases them to us .... I know for me this was sometimes the case

 

b) On a similar fashion, an A is like an addiction and re-inforces new pathways in the brain ... as we move away from the A we let these pathways fall into disuse ... sometimes these re-surfacings seem to be the last "fire" of a certain neural pathway before it dies a complete death from lack of use - almost like a flash of pain from an internal pathway that is being severed/re-routed .... I know for me this was also sometimes the case - I could see the path that was giving it's last gasp ....

 

c) Sometimes my mind felt able to demonstrate to me how far we;d come and it would bring out an old memory or run a dream just to "checkpoint" how I felt about it or what "impact score" it had on me .... again, as I began to realise this I began to note that its affect was less each time .. so in a way they allowed me to mark how well I was doing ...

 

I'm sure there's lots of other reasons but these ones I know were relevant to me ...

 

The good point was that after each apparent "re-surfacing" I always took a big jump forwards .... and eventually I learnt to look for the jump that followed .. and it always came:):)

 

Trust your body, trust your mind ... it won't release to you more than you can handle .. and if it is releasing new things it's because it knows you can handle it now :)

 

take care

Chris

[ladydesigner]

Hi H4u,

 

Not sure if this will help but over the past 9+ months of NC I noticed that there were times when vivid memories/dreams/feelings suddenly appeared ... oddly enough they were often when I was feeling really good about how it was all going with me ...

 

 

My take on them now is:

 

a) We have a wonderful ability to shield ourself from harm ... sometimes this means that our minds hide certain things from us when it doesn't feel we can quite handle processing it at that time .... as we heal and get stronger it realises we are able to handle new "revelations" and so it then releases them to us .... I know for me this was sometimes the case

 

b) On a similar fashion, an A is like an addiction and re-inforces new pathways in the brain ... as we move away from the A we let these pathways fall into disuse ... sometimes these re-surfacings seem to be the last "fire" of a certain neural pathway before it dies a complete death from lack of use - almost like a flash of pain from an internal pathway that is being severed/re-routed .... I know for me this was also sometimes the case - I could see the path that was giving it's last gasp ....

 

c) Sometimes my mind felt able to demonstrate to me how far we;d come and it would bring out an old memory or run a dream just to "checkpoint" how I felt about it or what "impact score" it had on me .... again, as I began to realise this I began to note that its affect was less each time .. so in a way they allowed me to mark how well I was doing ...

 

I'm sure there's lots of other reasons but these ones I know were relevant to me ...

 

The good point was that after each apparent "re-surfacing" I always took a big jump forwards .... and eventually I learnt to look for the jump that followed .. and it always came:):)

 

Trust your body, trust your mind ... it won't release to you more than you can handle .. and if it is releasing new things it's because it knows you can handle it now :)

 

take care

Chris

 

Wow very insightful. This is a definite re-read again and again. So true.

[Hazyhead]

I know I've probably said this a gazillion times (or if I've not said it I've thought it) but you're so insightful Chris. You have a great outlook that we could all benefit from taking inspiration from.

 

Thank you for this post.

 

Hi H4u,

 

Not sure if this will help but over the past 9+ months of NC I noticed that there were times when vivid memories/dreams/feelings suddenly appeared ... oddly enough they were often when I was feeling really good about how it was all going with me ...

 

 

My take on them now is:

 

a) We have a wonderful ability to shield ourself from harm ... sometimes this means that our minds hide certain things from us when it doesn't feel we can quite handle processing it at that time .... as we heal and get stronger it realises we are able to handle new "revelations" and so it then releases them to us .... I know for me this was sometimes the case

 

b) On a similar fashion, an A is like an addiction and re-inforces new pathways in the brain ... as we move away from the A we let these pathways fall into disuse ... sometimes these re-surfacings seem to be the last "fire" of a certain neural pathway before it dies a complete death from lack of use - almost like a flash of pain from an internal pathway that is being severed/re-routed .... I know for me this was also sometimes the case - I could see the path that was giving it's last gasp ....

 

c) Sometimes my mind felt able to demonstrate to me how far we;d come and it would bring out an old memory or run a dream just to "checkpoint" how I felt about it or what "impact score" it had on me .... again, as I began to realise this I began to note that its affect was less each time .. so in a way they allowed me to mark how well I was doing ...

 

I'm sure there's lots of other reasons but these ones I know were relevant to me ...

 

The good point was that after each apparent "re-surfacing" I always took a big jump forwards .... and eventually I learnt to look for the jump that followed .. and it always came:):)

 

Trust your body, trust your mind ... it won't release to you more than you can handle .. and if it is releasing new things it's because it knows you can handle it now :)

 

take care

Chris

Edited July 14, 2010 by Hazyhead

[silverplanets]

Wow very insightful. This is a definite re-read again and again. So true.

 

I know I've probably said this a gazillion times (or if I've not said it I've thought it) but you're so insightful Chris. You have a great outlook that we could all benefit from taking inspiration from.

 

Thank you for this post.

 

Thanks guys ... any insight I occasionally manage is purely credited to hitting my head against the same immovable wall time and time again until I finally realised I could just walk around it ..:)