He wants to be with me... but doesn't want to be my boyfriend

[Sw3etdev1L]

So that's it....

how can you explain me this?

He says he likes me, wants to have sex with me, is being loyal to me... but doesn't care if I go out with other Friendsd (men)... and doesn't want to be my boyfriend.

[WTRanger]

Easy.

 

Sex does not equal feelings or a commitment for this person.

[O'Malley]

Basically, he wants to enjoy the boyfriend benefits (friendship, sex, attention) without any of the relationship obligations (monogamy, sharing his life, accounting for his time). If you wanted a relationship, you're at a dead end with this guy.

[Enchanted Girl]

Basically' date=' he wants to enjoy the boyfriend benefits (friendship, sex, attention) without any of the relationship obligations (monogamy, sharing his life, accounting for his time). If you wanted a relationship, you're at a dead end with this guy.[/quote']

 

Yea, seriously.

 

Either move on to a new guy or accept this relationship with him for what it is. You're not going to get anything more by overanalyzing it.

[LoveLace]

Basically' date=' he wants to enjoy the boyfriend benefits (friendship, sex, attention) without any of the relationship obligations (monogamy, sharing his life, accounting for his time). If you wanted a relationship, you're at a dead end with this guy.[/quote']

 

 

Ditto, unless your okay with the idea of committment not happening here, but also don't kid yourself into thinking that's okay with you. I have an old "friend" that was just like this and it hurt everytime he didn't want to do those "boyfriend" things...finally I admitted to him that I can't do this without the whole package, no doubt about it, and I had to let him go because he wasn't going to change his mind for me. He wanted sex, friendship and attention but there was no meeting my family or hanging out with my friends, etc, even if we are okay with it, it will still get really old after awhile...

[TaraMaiden]

he wants you as a FWB. Friend With Benefits.

The whole package, neatly gift-wrapped and served up on a plate (read 'bed'), without any of the commitment or obligations.

 

 

All the Hokey-Cokey without the Passo Dobleh.

 

 

Wanna dance?

[Mary3]

he wants you as a FWB. Friend With Benefits.

The whole package, neatly gift-wrapped and served up on a plate (read 'bed'), without any of the commitment or obligations.

 

 

All the Hokey-Cokey without the Passo Dobleh.

 

 

Wanna dance?

 

Beautifully Spoken !

[9Lives]

This is a huge eye opening thread.

[mishy]

He wants the freedom to see other women

 

Dont settle for this, its a huge price you'll end up paying, believe me

[Mary3]

This is a huge eye opening thread.

 

And I hope many women read this and walk away from FWB's....

[Lorelai]

And I hope many women read this and walk away from FWB's....

 

Or at least know what they're getting into.

 

I'm willing to bet that if the OP asked him if what he wanted was a "friends with benefits" relationship, he'd say no. And I'm willing to bet my current situation is very similar to the OPs. I've known him for over five years. Up until a year and a half ago I was in a relationship, and up until two and a half months ago, we were coworkers. After he got laid off, we ended up having sex -- he initiated it.

 

He says he doesn't see it as casual sex. He says that he's had sex with women he didn't care about and realized it was not right for him when he didn't want to kiss them. He kisses me a lot. He wants me to stay the night, he wants me to hang out, when we spend time together it's not all about sex. He says he doesn't consider it "friends with benefits", but says he doesn't believe he's ready for a relationship.

 

I think men have a different definition for "friends with benefits" than women do, or at least than I do. It's like they see the "friends" component as something that shouldn't be there at all. No emotional attachment, no hanging out with each other outside of sex, definitely no staying the night. Essentially masturbating with a vagina instead of their palm.

 

To me, that's not a friends with benefits situation -- that's a booty call. True "no strings attached" sex.

 

Friends with benefits are friends. They care about each other even if they're not necessarily in love. They spend time with each other outside of the bedroom. They value you as a person instead of as a sex object first and foremost. But they aren't interested in a real relationship.

 

Which is more likely to break your heart and ruin a friendship? Obviously the latter.

 

But that's the situation I'm in. I care about him, but I'm not in love with him -- yet. I can picture us having a future, but the thought of not having a future with him doesn't hurt. Yet. The sex is great, and it's definitely resolving a need for me... prior to this, I'd had sex one time in the last three years. I enjoy sex. Being held and cuddled is also resolving a need I've had.

 

I'm pretty sure that a day will come when I realize I want more. I've been analyzing my thoughts and feelings to try to recognize the early signs of getting too attached. Unless he comes to the conclusion that he wants more first and wants to have a real relationship, I plan to break it off the moment I feel too attached, the moment when the thought of not spending the rest of my life with him is painful. And I'll tell why I'm ending it. If he wants more but just hadn't said anything earlier, that'd be great, but I am not counting on it.

 

Am I going to get hurt? Likely. But at least I'm going into this with eyes open. I've had FWBs before and not been hurt when things ended -- but I didn't fall in love with them either.. and that's always a risk in an FWB thing.

[Mary3]

Actually I heard this : There is no such thing as friends with benefits because friends don't sleep together " lol...

 

I have mixed opinions about the good sex thing but the real question is : Is this good enough for you ? Are you developing feelings ? If you want a real relationship but will settle for this ,then that can become a problem...

 

I have been where you are. I do get it. But I decided to stop doing that to myself ...for my own reasons...

[GooseChaser]

I believe things like this-- friends with benefits, or whatever you want to call it-- should be put to a stop before it goes on too long. It is not good to let the man get the idea that they are able to have no-strings contact, believe that there are no downsides to it, and that it is acceptable without any extra work or caring towards the woman. Remember that in a "no-strings attached" relationship, which appeals so much to some men because of the lesser pressure and effort required, they may not be committed and chained to you, but the same goes toward you. You have every right to put a stop to it at any time, for any reason, and you don't even have to feel bad about it. After all, the two both agreed that it wasn't a "real relationship."

 

If they really miss you and care, let it be and see if they ask to pursue a relationship. If you feel strongly enough and are interested, you can also propose it to them, and they can say yes or no. If they aren't willing to take that step and commit to you, well, you're free of them! Good riddance! You're better off without them, and can do better! Find someone who really cares about you!

 

I had a short "friends with benefits, no strings attached" thing for a short time with a buddy. He proposed it. I agreed to it because I had known him for years, felt I could put some trust in him, and there was a feeling of safety. I also wanted to finally learn how to kiss. Hehe. So I did. I recently cut it off. No feelings were hurt, and I think overall it worked out all right. I haven't seen him yet since then, but I believe things will be fine in the friendship if I play my cards right, am mature about it, and fight off any arguments he comes up with to try to convince me to go back to it, if any.

 

Anyway, I cut it off because of a reason stated earlier. Really, thinking of the friendship, we were really crossing the line in ways. I didn't want us to go too far for too long, because it could bring real consequences over time. I think I may have been developing feelings, though I was trying to control it. (I think I did all right controlling it, too. Compartmentalizing. :])

 

Following that point, I think it is a good move to be the one to cut off the FWB. In my view it shows strength and independence, and it also shows that a person is not needy and clinging to that miserable kind of relationship with no emotional connection. Rather than a long-term FWB, keep looking for the one that really loves and cares for you, if that is what you want! Have patience, and don't settle for less! It'll be worth it! Who knows... there's even the chance that they will propose a real relationship if they really care! Just try to judge if they really care... or if they have the same motives as before deep-down, only caring for the physical aspect. Good luck.

 

Best wishes! Think hard about what you really want and what is acceptable to you. Know how to say no if needed. Do what you feel is best.

Edited August 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[sillytothink]

Just by the way you are proposing your question shows you are emotionally attached. You may not be specifically emotionally attached to him, but you are attached to the idea that if a man wants to sleep with you, he should want all of you. And there is no shame in that! We live in a society where we are expected to be detached, pass it off as "independence", seem unaffected by people's dismissal of us, all the while acting like it was our idea and we were just in it for the sex as well. This may be the original intent. But like the previous posts said, it is extremely difficult to abide by such rules. Then, when we do get hurt, because we become attached, we are only angry with ourselves because we agreed it would be no strings. You feel stupid to even bring up your feelings to your fwb, because, like previously stated, you both entered into an agreement that neither would be emotionally invested.

I too have had a couple fwb, while I wasn't heartbroken when it ended, I couldn't help but question how he could so easily be rid of our sessions. I started to wonder why, even tho I didn't, why he didn't want to be in a relationship. In my opinion, these kind of feelings aren't worth the sex. You may end up with resentment towards him, or worse, towards yourself. It's like telling yourself you're not going to cry while watching Titanic...you can watch it for three hours, holding up your promise, but eventually, you find yourself overpowered.

With all that being said, it is in our nature to touch the hot stove and get burned, before we learn not to touch a hot stove. Learning the hard way is usually how we learn best and most effectively, unfortunately.

[harmfulsweetz]

The problem with FWBs is, that nearly always one person wants commitment and goes into it hoping that someday the other will wake up and realize what a great person they are with is, and change their mind instantly. In 9 times out of 10, this doesn't happen. Typically, it is the women who get attached, men do sometimes get attached, but women moreso.

 

What you should read into what he has told you is everything the above posters have told you-he wants the benefits of a relationship, but not the relationship. Either accept that, prepare to be hurt, disappointed, or move on.

 

FWBs only work if both parties want exactly the same thing, anything else and you're heading for trouble. I know, I've been there. Think long and hard about this and the potential consequences of it before entering, or continuing.

 

Do you mind the thought of him sleeping with other women?

 

That, and other questions you need to consider, such as is sex your only goal from this, or are you doing it in the hope he will change? He's been upfront with you, and I know sometimes we all wish they'd say things they don't mean then change their minds about that, and commit but so often, this doesn't happen. Prepare for a fall.

[spiderowl]

He's interested in sex with you and spending time with you but doesn't think you're right for him long term. I know it's not fair and it's hurtful.

 

In your shoes, I think I'd decide to end it with him on the basis that I wouldn't want him sleeping with others and don't want to be with someone wishy-washy. I'd tell him I was looking for someone who could offer a proper relationship with an appropriate level of commitment, namely boyfriend. But I wouldn't say it in a blaming way, just a casual informing kind of way. It's like saying, I know what I want, I've got standards and unfortunately you are not meeting them so I have to let you go. It makes you a definite, solid person in his eyes, someone who knows her own mind and can't be manipulated, someone ... dare I say it ... worthy of respect.

 

Of course, at this point you may lose him altogether so you'd need to be prepared for that. But really, your feelings and needs do matter and are worthy of consideration. You are merely pointing that out to him. You are not even pressuring him to join you, but telling him the kind of guy you are looking for, in an objective way. He then has to decide whether he is able to match your expectations or not. This subtly puts him in the position of measuring himself against your standards rather than dictating terms. An interesting shift in the balance of things ...

[tornandmarried]

he proably been hurt before and is scrared to get into a relationship...either that or hes not that into you but will gladly take sex if he can get it...i bet if u didnt give up "benefits" the "friends" side of it would fall apart...how would u feel if yall was friends with benefits for a while and he ends it cuz he found a girlfriend?

[Lorelai]

he proably been hurt before and is scrared to get into a relationship...either that or hes not that into you but will gladly take sex if he can get it...i bet if u didnt give up "benefits" the "friends" side of it would fall apart...how would u feel if yall was friends with benefits for a while and he ends it cuz he found a girlfriend?

 

In my case, I'd be happy for him, because I've wanted him to meet someone who was good enough for him and wouldn't hurt him for awhile -- long before I even thought about the possibility of there ever being an "us". I haven't taken down my online dating profiles either (tho we both agreed that if we find someone else we want to have sex with that things end between us). I hope he'll be happy for me if I find someone I like who's ready for a relationship.

 

But I don't know how long the OP has known the guy in her question. The guy in my case has been a friend for over five years. That kind of changes the equation a bit.

 

I also agree with other posters that, should a person choose to enter into a FWB type agreement, they don't need to let it go on forever ... it's way too easy for a person to let themselves believe that if they just give it enough time and keep being sexually available that it will turn into something more.

 

As I've said, I think some guys see "friends with benefits" differently than me. After all, they care about the girl, so it can't be just casual sex, right?

 

For me, I think I've figured out something. FWBs and booty calls have a very important thing in common -- the focus in either is what both parties get out of it. Mutual use, even if it is between two people who love each other (but are not IN love with each other), is still use.

 

In a real relationship, the focus is not on what you get - it's on what you give. On the sexual level, for example, a FWB or booty call might make it a point to always ensure their partner is satisfied, but it's because they know that if they give you yours, they'll get theirs. In a relationship you focus on the other person simply because you want to give them pleasure, not for a secondary gain.

 

Which would you feel was more fair and ethical? In my mind, a real relationship hands down.

[newdawn]

What Tara Maiden said.

 

What I say: he's a freeloader, cut him loose.

[Jordanjames]

I agree with another poster once two "friends" cross the line and have sex they are not just "friends." My definition of a friendship is two people that care about each other minus the sex. Once two people have sex they are beyond a friendship it is more emotional and intimate.

 

Now the FWB situation I don't agree with because one person will fall madly in love with the other person and not be able to control your feelings. It is very hard to consistently have sex with another person and not develop feelings. At least that's my opinion.

 

So when a man says he wants sex but no committment then I say the other person needs to split.

 

I wish I didn't learn the hard way. My situation with an ex boyfriend was very complicated and hard but I learned through counselling that we just weren't right for each other.

 

The OP needs to see the red flags and run as fast as she can from this man. This man only wants to use you and abuse you.

[Maggotface]

If you're fine with this situation then I see no reason to cut it off, but you do seem to want more from him and it's not gonna happen. You are a comfortable fallback for him, he can come cuddle up to you and have sex with you but if he decides he doesnt want to anymore or finds someone else it's no big deal because you're just friends right?

 

If you want more from him cut him off, he'll either buckle down if he really wants to be with you or he'll scamper off and find another FWB this will save you from feeling used when he decided to ditch you.

[vipo]

I'm not forcing you to think about my opinion, but, do you really chose you partner, or just picking him up ?

If you are with someone, that would means you have already know how hi is, how much you can trust him, and how you'll have to interract with him, no ?

if this person seems not to be meriting you, WHY GIVE HIM INITIALLY A CHANCE TO ENTER YOUR LIFE ??

I'm just not native English so sorry if any fault, an d sorry if I wasn't able to share my opinion with you, but this is my limits of the language, hope you can personally develop the idea and think about it more deeply, then wich you a good luck for what is comming after

[DavidWhite]

Sounds like he just wants sex..

 

If you're looking for a relationship, move on.