can I trust her?

[up&down]

My wife has done several things in the past few months that have made me not trust her so much any more. Including a few lies that I cought her in. One she admitted.

She told me that she would do anything to regain my trust and we have greatly improved our marriage in the last month or so. I while back I ask her to take a polygraph

test and she said no problem. So i started looking into it and found a professional place

got all the info on it and came to her with it a few weeks later. Her first response was to flat out refuse. When I told her that it was a simple thing that would help me get over this she reluctanly agreed but said if I made her do it it would really not help our marriage. So I know she really doesn't want to do it. but it would instantly put my mind at easy. Am I wrong? should she really be that offended if she is telling the truth. When I first brought it up she wasn't offended at all.

 

Help please

[doniker]

when you first brought it up she probably figured you wouldn't go through with founding out about the test.

 

even if I was telling the truth I wouldn't want to go though a lie detector. Even if she passes the test you will still have doubts so what is the point of the test?

[up&down]

Thanks for the input. Maybe I am going overboard. I have been thinking about all thats happened so much I just can't get my mind strait on weather I believe her or not.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

Clearly there is a problem here and she is backing off from what she previously said. See how she would feel about going to a hypmotist. What is it that has made you suspicious of her?

[katydid]

Can you really deal with what she has to say? If she is hiding something its probably not good, or it may be nothing at all. I had a feeling something was wrong in my marriage, my husband just acted a little off. No one noticed but me and a finally said that whatever it is I don't care if you tell me we can get passed this, He confessed to an affair that lasted only a couple of times over a year ago. He is at a hotel as we speak, I couldn't handle it not yet at least. So you need to consider if you are really ready for any type of "truth" I think counseling would be my first step in your shoes.

[up&down]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t30021/

 

this was my original post describing the problems.

 

the next day after her night out at the bar she told me that her and another

freind of hers had planned a chick trip to palm springs and that she had told me this.

I had talked to this freind about three days earlier and she was saying that they

should go on a trip soon. bottom line they did not tell me about this trip. I

ask her not to go because of the way I felt she agreed and canceled it.

She started bugging me all the time me a week later that she wanted to go on

this trip so I thought I would just tell her fine go on the trip and do what ever you want and from now on I will do what ever I want she jumped at the chance and

had it replanned very quickly for 2 nights. I then came to her and said if you love me don't go on the trip all of this is causing me alot of pain. She refused to cancel

and went anyhow. I called her alot while she was there I broke down on the phone once and she just kept trying to blow me off and get me to hang up the phone then she stopped aswering it then she turned it off. so I grabbed the kids and drove to

palm spings when i got there there was nothing going on this was day 2 of there trip. So they seemed happy to see me but she did say she felt invaded. after her freind went to bed we talked for a while she said "our marriage may end but me and carla will allways be freinds" Now she will not admitt she said that and she lied about turning the phone off

 

 

 

Our marriage has improved 100% since then but I still don't trust her all the time. one day I beleive her the next I don't. it's driving me crazy. She's been working late every night for a week or so and it eats away at my nerves. I have lost weight from this problem I don't know what to do she says she will take the test I am beginning to believe she didn't cheat. But if she didn't why did she just start treating me like dirt for that last few months. When this first started I thought if we got divorced

I would just be out in the cold. but it turns out she has alot to lose including

her house since I am raising the kids I worry that this is her only motivation for staying with me and trying to improve our marriage How can I get the truth from her if shes lieing. I need the truth. She swore on our childrens lives thats she telling the truth but so many things just dont add up. Somtimes I think I should just go cheat on her but I have never been like that. I am trying to find a couselor now for us to talk to.

 

Thank you all for your help sorry about this long post I have no one else to talk to.

[katydid]

Thats hard. this is how I got the truth from my husband.

 

I wrote a very long letter detailing how I felt, why I felt like this the situation all my faults and what I would do to make things better. I promised that we would work out all of our differences and I wouldn't leave no matter what he told me as long as it was the truth and everything added up, I would go to marriage counseling and on on. I also stated that I loved him and would never keep the kids or anything from him, should we BOTH decide that this wouldn't work out.

 

 

After the letter I cleaned teh house took the kids to the sitters and waited for him to come home. The entire evening (this was the hardest part) we talked, as much as I wanted to stike out I kept my calm bite my tongue and let him tell me.

 

I have to say that when he admitted to cheating I completly lost it, but I kept my word I m still here (even though I am still very much confused)

 

I am not saying that she did cheat or anything but I think the most important thing is to keep a line of communication open. Remain calm as much as posible and try not to judge or make comments. My husband swears that the hardest thing he ever did ws have to confess and if I hadn't told him that it didn't matter I love him anyway even if he cheated, or didn't, and REMAINED CALM he would have taken teh lie to his grave.

 

I don't know if this help... but like you I just need to talk.

[BS2]

Originally posted by up&down

Am I wrong? Help please

 

 

yes, you are 100% wrong. it's acceptable if the polygraph thing was a joke, if you are serious, then you are a jerk.

 

Why she lied and what she lied about? why you were so insecure and what made you unable to regain your ABILITY of trusting her??

 

To anyone who has a little self-esteem, being asked to take a polygraph by his/her loved ones is deeply hurt, and she might take it as an insult. As you are treating her like a criminal no trusting no respect whatsoever.

 

If she were very calm and a big time lier, she could easily pass the polygraph without any problems, if she were a uptight & neverous person, she might fail the test even she was telling the truth.. So whom are you testing? her or your own wisdom?

 

If you need to put her and your marriage into a polygraph, you are doomed to be miserable.

 

By the way, 99.9% people in this world lie. The wiser you are, the less people would lie to you. and the more forgiving you are, the more she wont lie to you again.

[Benedict]

Good name, BS2...

 

So, he's a jerk for mentioning a polygraph? And she's what? A fairy princess for her behavior?

 

By the way, 99.9% people in this world lie.

 

I agree with this.

 

The wiser you are, the less people would lie to you.

 

Only because you become harder to lie to. Wisdom comes as a result of being lied to and discovering it - among countless other things - so you are able to see through a lot more BS

 

and the more forgiving you are, the more she wont lie to you again.

 

Sorry. Dead wrong here. The more you forgive a liar for lying, instead of calling them on their lies, the MORE they will lie to you. And the fact is that most people lack the ability to control their bodies to the point where they will "easily pass" a polygraph.

 

BS has somewhat of a point about the whole polygraph thing. But you know what, Up&Down? You don't need a polygraph to tell you what you need to know

[UP&DOWN]

I have come to the conclusion that I just don't trust my wife. She now does not want to talk to me about this anymore even though she knows it's the

only thing that makes me feel better and is accussing me of trying to get rid of her by bring this up all the time so I can get the house. which is not true I just wanted to trust my wife again. Now it seems she doen't care if this eats

me up inside as long as I keep my mouth shut about it. so now what do I do. I really hate to make her move out. should I just learn not to love her

so that I don't care what she does. should I find another women to cheat on her. should I be tough and get a divorce and get her out.

 

and advice?

 

Thanks

[gaia]

You haven't said what it was that she did, but you obviously decided to try to put it behind you and try to repair the relationship. She may still not be being honest with you, hence her refusal to take the test. On the other hand you say you've made lots of positive changes to your relationship. It may be that she objects to the test because she sees it as evidence that you still don't trust her.

 

Personally, I would object on principal. You can't build a relationship on so little trust that it requires electronic verification! And I don't think it would put your mind at ease for long.

 

Decide whether she deserves another chance and then work together on rebuilding the trust. It's a slow process but I don't believe it is one you can artificially speed up.

[Dora]

Originally posted by UP&DOWN

should I just learn not to love her

so that I don't care what she does. should I find another women to cheat on her. should I be tough and get a divorce and get her out.

 

and advice?

 

Thanks

 

how old are you? you sound like a teenager.