I think my boyfriend is taking me for granted

[Isla0416]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. Things started out great - we spent as much of our free time together as possible, he cooked romantic dinners for me, I planned excursions for us. But in the past month or so, things have changed. The only time we ever spend together is when I stop by his place after work to "hang out." He hardly ever takes the initiative to invite me over anymore. We never go anywhere or do anything, nor does he seem to have any interest in planning any sort of quality time for us. When I do go over to his place, we end up eating, watching TV and then, inevitably, he falls asleep on me anywhere between 9-10 PM. At first, I chalked it up to him being busy at work, except it keeps happening. Our sex life has also gone from stellar to sub-par, with us going from sex 4-5 times a week to once a week at most. To complicate matters further, he spends a substantial amount of time with his parents. He has dinner at their house at least two to three times a week. I both admire and appreciate his affection for his parents, but I feel like, even at 34 years old, the cord is still attached. After not seeing him for 3 days, he spent all evening/night at their house, followed by his dad spending the day at his on Saturday. We had a brief dinner together Saturday night, followed by him waking me early Sunday morning because he had to leave to go meet his parents for coffee.

 

As far as what I want from him is concerned, he's fully aware that I'm not interested in him spending money on me or buying me things. Frankly, I'd be happy just to spend time together outside of his house doing something we both enjoy, be it a picnic or bike riding. ANYTHING. I'm just worried that he's gotten too comfortable and complacent in our relationship. I make an effort to get dressed up on occasion, but he never compliments me. Likewise, he invited me over a few weeks ago and I showed up to find him dressed in a stained t-shirt and ratty shorts. And while I don't want him to feel like he needs to impress me, I'd like to think that he at least wants to make himself presentable and attractive to me. I certainly enjoy doing the same for him and would like to think that he appreciates it. I do love him very much and he's made it very clear that he's head over heels for me and thinks I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. He's a wonderful, decent, caring guy and, while I know he loves and appreciates me, I just wish he'd take more initiative to show it.

 

How do I discuss this with him without sounding needy and/or hurting his feelings?

Edited July 13, 2010 by Isla0416

[MrNate]

Do I need to pull out my white stallion from its stable and whisk you away?

[Ruby Slippers]

I'll give you just about the same advice I gave to a woman with similar complaints in this thread.

 

Completely stop asking for his time. Get some hobbies that have nothing to do with him. Spend more time away/out with your friends. If you don't have many friends, make some new ones. Make yourself much less available to him.

 

His interest in you and time with you will most likely go up. If you want to keep him there, maintain your own life.

 

As supply (of you and your time) goes down, demand (from him, for you and your time) will go up.

 

If he is not interested in spending time with you, well, that's important for you to know.

 

Look at this thread, too.

Edited July 13, 2010 by Ruby Slippers

[BobSacamento]

I think Ruby is spot on.

 

It sounds like this guy is just living his life.

[Serenitynow]

I agree , you are simply empowering his behavior. Dont let him assume you are just going to show up like clockwork all the time with him doing nothing to lift a finger. Only 5 mos and its like you guys are married 5 years

[gamma1]

How do I discuss this with him without sounding needy and/or hurting his feelings?

You should start by try to nudge him in the right direction. Tell him how much you enjoy doing certain types of activities. If he doesn't get the hint, you will have to sit down and have a serious talk with him. If he doesn't respond favorably, he's the wrong man for you.

 

The worst possible thing you can do is to ignore the problem and let the emotions build up. That is very likely to lead to an extremely ugly breakup.

[Isla0416]

I do agree that I am making myself much too available to him.

 

We had actually planned to get together last night to cook dinner together. Then, around 6:00, he got called into work to deal with a medical emergency - said he'd have to "cancel tonight." I knew that what he was dealing with would probably take a couple of hours, but told him that if he still wanted to hang out after he got done to give me a call. He was done by 9PM, at which point I received a text that he was going to "crash." At 9PM. On a Saturday night. And I know for a fact that he spent all day doing absolutely nothing around the house - he told me as much. I've not heard anything from him since.

 

I'm just starting to feel like this relationship exists solely at his convenience - that I'm nothing more than a happy thought to take up his spare time. He tells me he loves me, but he never tells me he misses me when we don't see each other for extended periods of time, nor does he ever really make an effort to spend time with me. And yet, he never hesitates when his parents invite him over or when his friends want to hang out.

 

At this point, I feel like backing off and seeing if he makes an effort to see/talk to me is really my only available course of action.

 

Thoughts?

[stace79]

I do agree that I am making myself much too available to him.

 

We had actually planned to get together last night to cook dinner together. Then, around 6:00, he got called into work to deal with a medical emergency - said he'd have to "cancel tonight." I knew that what he was dealing with would probably take a couple of hours, but told him that if he still wanted to hang out after he got done to give me a call. He was done by 9PM, at which point I received a text that he was going to "crash." At 9PM. On a Saturday night. And I know for a fact that he spent all day doing absolutely nothing around the house - he told me as much. I've not heard anything from him since.

 

I'm just starting to feel like this relationship exists solely at his convenience - that I'm nothing more than a happy thought to take up his spare time. He tells me he loves me, but he never tells me he misses me when we don't see each other for extended periods of time, nor does he ever really make an effort to spend time with me. And yet, he never hesitates when his parents invite him over or when his friends want to hang out.

 

At this point, I feel like backing off and seeing if he makes an effort to see/talk to me is really my only available course of action.

 

Thoughts?

 

I would mention to him ONCE in person that you feel taken for granted and briefly share three of your above examples why.

 

Then I would back off and start preparing for the worst. If after only 5 months he is treating you this way, it's really not a good sign.

 

Even if he is tired or working a lot, if he really cares for you he will make the effort. And if he doesn't, I'd suggest moving on to find someone else. Life is too short to beg someone to love you or meet your needs, especially when it sounds like you're going out of your way to meet HIS needs.

[counterman]

I also think you should spend more time with your friends, with a hobby or something besides your boyfriend. It creates a healthier dynamic and you'll find that if you feel good about other things in your life, you will feel better about him too.

 

We all have needs and wants from our SO, and one of the worst things that can happen is when a person takes another for granted. It has happened to be before and it isn't a great feeling. I think expressing your you feel and what you want from your him should be your first step. Then back away, and live your life without him and see if he comes back. You'll have your answer.

 

After communicating my needs and wants with my ex, I pulled back and she never came searching for me. Truly devastating because she had always said she loved me but actions speak louder than words.

[HeldbyGravity]

Some people fall into a sort of false ease once they've been in a relationship for a little while. They figure "Oh okay, I've got them so I don't have to work so hard to impress them and keep them anymore".

 

The next part about you coming home and eating at his place... it almost sounds as if you're married, notdating! This is a trap that many married couples fall into- normalit, with no spice. The sex lfe thing is part of it.

 

It is od for himto spend so much time with his parents. I can see stopping by to say hi if hey live close, hanging out or a few hours. But he is dating you- how long has it been again?

 

To solve the dinner thing, I suggest cooking dinner for him every so often, a special one that will make him want to be at dinner with you more. Or suggest going out to his favorte place for dinner.

 

Wait, hold up... youdon't wan him to gve you things? This is rare . Well you may have to compromise these views to get him out of the house! If he isn't suggesting to go out, YOU need to take the initiative to do so! Both partners doing nothing will never solve the problem. Show him what you like doing.

 

Oh I know how you feel with the dressing up thing, same thing happens with my boyfriend! Fishing for compliments doesn't seem to work that well. Don't do it for that, do it for you.

 

"And while I don't want him to feel like he needs to impress me, I'd like to think that he at least wants to make himself presentable and attractive to me."- I understand. Try buying him a cool, nice tie or shirt as a hint, but it sounds like he's just comfortable around you.

 

Do you tell him this often- that he’s a wonderful guy? Give him a compliment on his good qualities, and when he does something that you really appreciate. When he does spend time with you, tell him how much you’re enjoying yourself- smile a lot.

 

Go places with him- suggest things that you know he’ll like, or that you’ll enjoy doing together. Go out for a run in the morning if you want- go to a baseball game one night and then an amusement park another time, or for a quiet boat ride together. Make sure that you suggest things every so often, but see if he reciprocates this asking- if not, hint it. This doesn’t always work, but leave a brochure for somewhere lying out on the counter, or a website on the computer screen.

 

If he doesn’t pick up on his behavior, YES, talk to him about it! Without some civil communication, these problems may stay. But do it kindly, not nagging- just sit him down one night and say that there are some things that are bothering you. Tell him what you feel and why, but not in a way meant to make him feel bad. State the facts, but suggest- “We haven’t gone out somewhere together in a while- how about we start going out together on Friday nights?” But tell him that you want him to suggest the place.

Make sure to lace in good things- that you love him and he’s a wonderful guy. Kiss him and cuddle up to him, and talk as if you’re talking to a friend and don’t want to upset them, lacing in the words of a lover.

 

Oh, and the sex life thing? Surprise him with lacy underwear and massage oils one night XD. If you want to spice up your sex life a little, then don’t be afraid to go out there to get him in the mood.

 

I also think you should spend more time with your friends, with a hobby or something besides your boyfriend. It creates a healthier dynamic and you'll find that if you feel good about other things in your life, you will feel better about him too.

 

And I completely agree with this guy.

Edited July 19, 2010 by HeldbyGravity