Curt Posted July 18, 2010 Moderators Posted July 18, 2010 If she asked from an, "I'm sorry, but this is one of those little things that really bothers me. I feel hurt when you continue to wear it, and it is something that might seem silly to you but is really important to me," and he was all,"Pschaw. Whatever." Then, yeah, he's a jerk. Alternative: I think that something my GF bought to wear makes her look cheap/inappropriate/slutty/whatever. It embarrasses me as her partner when we're out about. I tell her that I know she likes wearing it and feels sexy in it, but that it's too revealing and it makes me uncomfortable that she wears it. She gets pissed off that I could even suggest to her that she shouldn't wear it! Who's right?
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 First of all, it's not about right or wrong. That's silly. Interpersonal relationship issues are rarely about right or wrong -- they aren't legal, ethical, or scholarly issues. They're issues between people that mainly consist of their own feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong. It's just that some are productive and some aren't. Alternative: I think that something my GF bought to wear makes her look cheap/inappropriate/slutty/whatever. It embarrasses me as her partner when we're out about. I tell her that I know she likes wearing it and feels sexy in it, but that it's too revealing and it makes me uncomfortable that she wears it. She gets pissed off that I could even suggest to her that she shouldn't wear it! Who's right? Personally, while I wouldn't want a guy to dress me up like a Barbie doll or anything (that's creepy), I would certainly be willing to have an honest discussion about my clothes or an article of clothing. If it was as simple as one T-shirt/dress/skirt/whatever, I think I could push it to the back of the closet if I really liked the person. However, if a boyfriend said, "That makes you look like a slut," I would definitely re-consider dating him. If he said something like, "I really feel uncomfortable when you wear suchandsuch and look too sexy because I feel like other guys are looking at you too much" (or whatever), then we could have an honest discussion. (Honestly, it's harder for me to imagine, because my clothes aren't that revealing. They're fitted, but I think a guy would be hard-pressed to call even my going-out clothes over-sexy.) But we would also have to have a discussion about what insecurities or cultural assumptions, in him, prompted that. If it's the persons' whole wardrobe (and that person also likes their wardrobe and feel it says something about them), then perhaps the two just aren't a good fit. I like thrifting. If I meet guys who think my outfits are a little too zany or colorful or out there, I just figure, "Well, that's not a good fit then." Because my clothes are a part of who I am.
that girl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Alternative: I think that something my GF bought to wear makes her look cheap/inappropriate/slutty/whatever. It embarrasses me as her partner when we're out about. I tell her that I know she likes wearing it and feels sexy in it, but that it's too revealing and it makes me uncomfortable that she wears it. She gets pissed off that I could even suggest to her that she shouldn't wear it! Who's right? I think this is a slightly different topic- something you feel is inappropriate if different than something that you think is inappropriate. But personally I think you have a right to say you don't like something and a right to say you're not comfortable with the person wearing it to specific events (out dancing with the girls, a christening). How they respond is more complicated than it would be with the tee shirt. However, if a boyfriend said, "That makes you look like a slut," I would definitely re-consider dating him. If he said something like, "I really feel uncomfortable when you wear suchandsuch and look too sexy because I feel like other guys are looking at you too much" (or whatever), then we could have an honest discussion. (Honestly, it's harder for me to imagine, because my clothes aren't that revealing. They're fitted, but I think a guy would be hard-pressed to call even my going-out clothes over-sexy.) Bingo. "You look like a slut" is the most confrontational way possible to have that conversation and it is very unlikely to end well. It is far worse than this "Oh my God! How could you even have that T-shirt?!? Don't you know how that makes me look?!? Don't you care about this relationship at all?!? You obviously don't!" But I think it is noteworthy that the OP started another thread in cheating that mentions the reason she found out is that she cleaned his apartment while he was at work, including unpacking his luggage. A girl cleaning her boyfriend's apartment when she doesn't live there always raises my eyebrows. It can come off as interfering on one hand and on the other it suggests a real desperation to please.
redmelon Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Half the people here, mostly women and some men, think owning this shirt means he IS a douche bag? YES There are 5-10 different ways "define "girlfriend"" can be taken. Some of them funny, some not so funny. However a shirt does not define someone and its WAY too judgmental to imply so. Please do list for us these 5-10 ways...
Curt Posted July 18, 2010 Moderators Posted July 18, 2010 First of all, it's not about right or wrong. That's silly. Interpersonal relationship issues are rarely about right or wrong -- they aren't legal, ethical, or scholarly issues. They're issues between people that mainly consist of their own feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong. It's just that some are productive and some aren't. When someone uses a guy's possession of a t-shirt, that at its very core was produced as humorous, as a basis to question whether or not the guy is respectful of her? Worth keeping or not? THAT is truly what is silly. Yes, I'd go so far as to say that's inherently wrong. If a GF of mine wants to control what I wear because of her feelings about what said shirt says about/regarding/towards/etc HER, then the problem exists not with him, but with her. I would be most justified in merely ignoring such foolishness. He did the RIGHT thing. He ignored such a trivial idea. If she presses the issue, perhaps he might be better off on his own, for HIS benefit. I would say the same thing to her. If a shirt is going to cause this much of an unforgivable slight, there would be many many things down the road in their lives as a couple where they would have far greater cause for argument/disagreement, etc. Curt
Gallaxia Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 When someone uses a guy's possession of a t-shirt, that at its very core was produced as humorous, as a basis to question whether or not the guy is respectful of her? Worth keeping or not? THAT is truly what is silly. Yes, I'd go so far as to say that's inherently wrong. If a GF of mine wants to control what I wear because of her feelings about what said shirt says about/regarding/towards/etc HER, then the problem exists not with him, but with her. I would be most justified in merely ignoring such foolishness. He did the RIGHT thing. He ignored such a trivial idea. If she presses the issue, perhaps he might be better off on his own, for HIS benefit. I would say the same thing to her. If a shirt is going to cause this much of an unforgivable slight, there would be many many things down the road in their lives as a couple where they would have far greater cause for argument/disagreement, etc. Curt Yes. Because, this is how issues and conflicts are resolved. That's a selfish & self-serving approach. How can someone even enter a relationship with that mentality? If that's the case, that's probably how the shirt situation came about in the first place!
redmelon Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 What was foolish was buying the shirt in the first place.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 If a GF of mine wants to control what I wear because of her feelings about what said shirt says about/regarding/towards/etc HER, then the problem exists not with him, but with her. I would be most justified in merely ignoring such foolishness. He did the RIGHT thing. He ignored such a trivial idea. If she presses the issue, perhaps he might be better off on his own, for HIS benefit. No, ignoring her is not the right thing. If don't think ignoring your significant other's feelings ever gets you anywhere, nor does being dismissive. If it's one T-shirt, and one T-shirt is more important to them than the relationship... then, yeah, that's not much of a relationship. I think her feelings are valid on some level. They wouldn't be mine, but she gets to feel them and express them to her partner. Any good partner would at least listen and have an honest discussion with her. Honestly, if he just likes the color/fit of the T-shirt, her feelings are deeper, and more important, than his about it, which is why it should stay in the closet if he values his relationship with her. That said, she needs to reflect on why it bothers her so much and approach it well. People make small compromises for each other all the time. If a shirt is going to cause this much of an unforgivable slight, there would be many many things down the road in their lives as a couple where they would have far greater cause for argument/disagreement, etc. If they can't compromise on it somehow, or come to some sort of agreement, I agree with you, but, as I said, if what he's said to her is an honest reflection of the value of the shirt, to him, then. . . I don't really get why the guy can't (if she approaches him right) compromise and tuck the shirt away. People do stuff like that all the time in healthy relationships. Most people care about their partner's feelings. People change religions. People become vegetarians. People move across the country. Plenty of people do way more than toss an old T-shirt. The question is, of course, what is right for them. Honest communication --- without her going on the attack, him going on the defensive, or any dismissive --- is likely what is needed to suss that out. But, really, your view is just as silly and extreme as those who think the guy is a jerk just for owning the T-shirt.
redmelon Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Whatever. Bottom line, any idiot should know not to wear a t-shirt that says "define gf" when he has a girlfriend. seems to be common sense.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 The only people thinking that here are insecure people who hate cheaters, have had bad experiences and are quick to take things (even jokes) as meaning someone cheats or is an azzhole male. . Not really I just think its a disrespectful douche bag thing to wear.. True, Zengirl. Where is Miss OP, anyway? Prob bleaching/burning the shirt lol..
Curt Posted July 18, 2010 Moderators Posted July 18, 2010 But, really, your view is just as silly and extreme as those who think the guy is a jerk just for owning the T-shirt. Condescension when someone doesn't agree. At least your perspective is consistent I suppose. Curt
gamma1 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Whatever. Bottom line, any idiot should know not to wear a t-shirt that says "define gf" when he has a girlfriend. seems to be common sense. Not all men have common sense and many are jerks. I have no idea why so many people can defend someone for wearing a shirt like that.
Ariadne Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 When I got divorced, my gf's gave me a tiny little t-shirt that said "I'M NOT WITH STUPID ANYMORE" I was going to say, I love that t-shirt! (since nobody ever asks me for a date). But then.. it begs the question: Why were you with stupid in the first place? and you look kind of dumb. I guess you can say your friends gave it to you but then if you are wearing it. And to the OP.. It's just a silly shirt and I don't think girls are going to go rushing to him because he is being sleazy or something. And the "disrespect" is more like he is trying to be funny.
Stung Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Oh God. That's even worse. Hahahahaha. No doubt. If he's not smart enough to recognize the shirt's obvious implications, he definitely needs to get the axe. Next!
zengirl Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Condescension when someone doesn't agree. At least your perspective is consistent I suppose. Curt Avoidance and personal attacks, rather than a discussion of the topic at hand when we disagree. At least your perspective is consistent. I would say, "No disdain was implied (maybe until now, but really I feel more amused than disdainful). Might want to look up condescension," but you'd probably find that condescending. Being smart, opinionated, and happy generally lends itself to look condescending when I weigh in randomly on the internet. I'm totally cool with that.
stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 This discussion is sort of like two of my acquaintances who are in a relationship. The guy has a quote on his Facebook page that reads "I don't have a girlfriend. Just a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." Yes, it's funny. I laughed when I read it. However, it implies a sense of disrespect if you're actually that guy's girlfriend. Some girls can deal with it. Some girls are confident enough that they don't care. Other girls cannot deal. I think that if you love your girlfriend, and saying something like that or wearing a silly T-shirt like the OP's boyfriend really and truly bothers her, that making her comfortable and secure should be more important than a quote on your facebook or an article of clothing. It's not like she is asking him to burn all of his shirts and buy a new wardrobe.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Sorry to go OT here but hey curt how exactly dose one become a LoveShack.org Alumni? are you a mod or something? ive never seen that before,
Author yari585 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 ok so the other person is back lol one thing about me is im a very silly girl im funny i like goofy things i enjoy laughter.. he did buy this shirt before he met me..the first time he wore it i told him if he isnt taking me serious then he should let me know because that shirt just slapped me in the face...this was 2 months into the relationship..i havent seen him wear it again till this ocassion 10 months into it.....he made this comment to me one time before " you can wear that dress but only when your with me just in case a guy tries to get dissrespectful" so i listened and i dont wear provocative clothing unless he is there...so i dont mind that he has several shirts such as "i have candy" or "subway eat fresh" type shirts..with me its ok...we went on a cruise one time and i actually told him to buy a shirt that says "3 some is permitted" lol this is of course because i told him he can only wear it WITH ME!...i do have a sence of humor i just felt as though if im going to do as you say then in return you do as i say it should always be 50/50 in a relationship..so this is how everything turned out.. ok so at first we argued because he doesnt like to be told what to wear. i told him simply "im not telling you that you cant wear it im just telling you that it bothers me, you do as you please" ...we hung up he called me back 10 minutes later and said he will not wear the shirt again....if he wears it with me i will consider ..my bf is very affectionate he shows it 10 times more than i do in public...lol...so im very secure...i know he wont cheat i just dont want him to put himself in a situation with that shirt towards me...just like he didnt want me to wear that dress without his presence everyones opinion here was very good i appreciate it..just thought you might want to know the end result...i will not ask him to throw away the shirt just like he didnt ask me to throw away my dress:)
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I'm buying said shirt. It's clever. "I cheat" = not clever. Bravo. it IS "clever" (and that is its appeal) The shirt is basic male stereotyping, and for being so clever, it comes across as funny. Not suitable for all environs, or even all relationships, but it is clever without question.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Whatever. Bottom line, any idiot should know not to wear a t-shirt that says "define gf" when he has a girlfriend. seems to be common sense. Admittedly, I cannot disagree with this either. (but apparently the story is long beyond this point)
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Condescension when someone doesn't agree. At least your perspective is consistent I suppose. Avoidance and personal attacks, rather than a discussion of the topic at hand when we disagree. At least your perspective is consistent. I would say, "No disdain was implied (maybe until now, but really I feel more amused than disdainful). Might want to look up condescension," but you'd probably find that condescending. Being smart, opinionated, and happy generally lends itself to look condescending when I weigh in randomly on the internet. I'm totally cool with that. For that matter, he should look up "curt" as well.
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