Ever get that heart-sinking feeling?

[EricaH329]

Yes. I've had that feeling in the past. I think it's only natural.. due to the fact that the person once had a place in your life. I think it takes time time to learn how to change our reactions to thing's. Try not to let it get to ya. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

 

That's so true! Never looked at it like that. Maybe since i'm so used to feeling that certain way when hearing from him, it'll take a bit longer to 're-teach' myself to see him as just another person, so to speak.

 

Hey Erica, sounds pretty normal to me. Nice to get it off ya chest though, right?

 

Feels great to get it off my chest! It actually puts things into perspective after venting like this. That's why I do it

[sultry33]

Hey Erica,

that is what LS is for so vent away.. in time you will post about other things

we all do;)

 

good luck to you.. I still get that feeling when I see an add saying add him to my network:laugh:

but I would never have him in my life now and like you we had our future planned out etc.

 

Time heals x

[mickleb]

Maybe since i'm so used to feeling that certain way when hearing from him, it'll take a bit longer to 're-teach' myself to see him as just another person, so to speak.

 

So you are going to do something about it?? Why didn't you just admit that you needed to earlier? Would have saved me needing to nag you..

 

Feels great to get it off my chest! It actually puts things into perspective after venting like this. That's why I do it

 

But it's a dangerous game when you've been doing it for so long. And yes, Erica, I do think you've been doing it for too long.

 

It can keep you stuck and appears to be. I don't see from your behaviour on here (continuous posting) that you have moved on very much. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Hey Erica,

that is what LS is for so vent away.. in time you will post about other things

we all do;)

 

Isn't Coping supposed to be a group of people who help each other to move on? Or is it simply a place to feed our need for more attention and sympathy? I prefer to view it as the former.

 

Time heals x

 

Time does not heal if you insist on holding on, actually. It lessens the severity but does not actually heal. Erica, by choosing to post about every little detail of her journey, is choosing to dwell on it. A change in behaviour would help her more now.

 

The 'time heals' theory is a passive, self-protective one. However, if the self you are trying to preserve could use some real, hard work (and lets face it, we could all use a bit of that, from time to time) this method, ulitmately, isn't very useful.

 

x

[bananaboat11]

Erica, we definitely did not leave off well in your last thread. I'm happy and sorry to see you finally admit it. It will only make you stronger. I'm not a total douche.

[GrayClouds]

I've thought about this, and i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to do anything.

VS

it'll take a bit longer to 're-teach' myself to see him as just another person, so to speak.

So I am confused you respond first saying your not going to do anything, then you say you need to 're-teach' . It is fantastic to see you are understand that healing takes more then venting, that it takes action and effort to get there.

 

Feels great to get it off my chest! It actually puts things into perspective after venting like this. That's why I do it

I am not sure how why this is any different advice then you been receiving for the past 6 months. Something positive must have register over the last few days to get you do see you been contradictory. It would be so helpful to the newbies to know what changed in your mind to help you from thinking doing nothing was helpful to understanding you have to be active in your healing?

Edited July 18, 2010 by GrayClouds

[sultry33]

 

 

 

 

Isn't Coping supposed to be a group of people who help each other to move on? Or is it simply a place to feed our need for more attention and sympathy? I prefer to view it as the former.

 

 

Time does not heal if you insist on holding on, actually. It lessens the severity but does not actually heal. Erica, by choosing to post about every little detail of her journey, is choosing to dwell on it. A change in behaviour would help her more now.

 

The 'time heals' theory is a passive, self-protective one. However, if the self you are trying to preserve could use some real, hard work (and lets face it, we could all use a bit of that, from time to time) this method, ulitmately, isn't very useful.

 

x

 

Everyone is different some need to go through the questions doubts to get to the coping stage.

 

I know me personally I had lots of posts in the begining asking for answers

I was upset and confused.. luckily everyone was supportive.. even if my posts was probably boring and repetive to everyone else.

 

In time and yes with a change of direction ie self motivation, hobbies, even dates posts will lessen on her ex etc but that takes time.

 

Also a few times I thought I was over the feeling them boom back they come

so really it is not time definate.

Best thing to do is be supportive and understanding in whatever someone chooses to post:) I dont think anyone chooses to hold on.. I know I didnt.. I wanted to erase that out of my mind.

 

For me time healed and alot of that time I worked on me;)

[EricaH329]

So you are going to do something about it?? Why didn't you just admit that you needed to earlier? Would have saved me needing to nag you..

 

 

 

But it's a dangerous game when you've been doing it for so long. And yes, Erica, I do think you've been doing it for too long.

 

It can keep you stuck and appears to be. I don't see from your behaviour on here (continuous posting) that you have moved on very much. Actions speak louder than words.

 

VS

 

So I am confused you respond first saying your not going to do anything, then you say you need to 're-teach' . It is fantastic to see you are understand that healing takes more then venting, that it takes action and effort to get there.

 

 

I am not sure how why this is any different advice then you been receiving for the past 6 months. Something positive must have register over the last few days to get you do see you been contradictory. It would be so helpful to the newbies to know what changed in your mind to help you from thinking doing nothing was helpful to understanding you have to be active in your healing?

 

Ok, to clear things up, i've been focusing on myself these last 5 months. I've made a ton of progress (within myself), and am going to continue to do so. If that means that I am actively doing something about my feelings for my ex, then that's your take on it. My take on it is simply this: I'm focusing on myself, not for the sake of my ex or my feelings towards him etc, i'm doing it for me. Yes, I acknowledge that there are some feelings left for him, and as far as exploring that area, it's just not going to happen. I'm going to continue doing what I have been doing (which has been working wonders). The more I focus on myself, the happier I make myself, which in turn, allows me to move forward with my life.

 

I didn't need to post a thread about this particular instance, but doing so helps me to understand myself a bit better. Perspective.

[GrayClouds]

Ok, to clear things up, i've been focusing on myself these last 5 months. I've made a ton of progress (within myself), and am going to continue to do so. If that means that I am actively doing something about my feelings for my ex, then that's your take on it. My take on it is simply this: I'm focusing on myself, not for the sake of my ex or my feelings towards him etc, i'm doing it for me. Yes, I acknowledge that there are some feelings left for him, and as far as exploring that area, it's just not going to happen. I'm going to continue doing what I have been doing (which has been working wonders). The more I focus on myself, the happier I make myself, which in turn, allows me to move forward with my life.

 

I didn't need to post a thread about this particular instance, but doing so helps me to understand myself a bit better. Perspective.

 

By "focus on myself", what does that mean to you? Does it mean you figured out your weakness, found new ways of thinking and started practicing healthily ways of behaving? How does it help you understand yourself better and more importantly how will you behavior better as a result? Again it would be helpful to those feeling the freshness of their break-up to have examples. Because we know insight without actions, justt like seeking sympathy for sympathy sake, is just mental masturbation.

[mickleb]

But you needed to be told to change your behaviours a couple of months ago, after two years of grieving, did you not, sultry?

 

And, no, we're not all that different when it comes to healing. The reason I know what I write will help is because I was hung up on a guy for 5 years when I was younger. Action was the thing that helped me to move on.

 

I asked on your thread in March if you'd read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. You didn't reply. If you had, you would understand the passive decision made by people like you and Erica and Segdwick and CarrieT (and me, up until quite recently) is a choice, although the word 'choice' suggest a conscious decision, which is where is becomes difficult to comprehend.

 

In fact, it is only with action that we can comprehend it. When we choose to behave differently, we notice we think and feel differently, too. Then we can have the strength to admit that we were, in fact, choosing to 'stay miserable', as abhorrent as that concept can be to someone who is not happy.

 

The best thing to be when someone is fresh out of a break up is, as you say, supportive and understanding but also, to offer hope. Just offering sympathy does not do this.

 

When someone is clearly struggling to change their behaviour, as Erica is, offering guidance of how to move on is the kindest thing to do. Or you keep them stuck. (Not kind.)

 

How's everything going with your new guy, are you over the old one or still stringing him along? (Honestly, I'm not being facetious, I just don't have the time to do the research.)

 

x

[mickleb]

Ok, to clear things up, i've been focusing on myself these last 5 months. I've made a ton of progress (within myself), and am going to continue to do so. If that means that I am actively doing something about my feelings for my ex, then that's your take on it. My take on it is simply this: I'm focusing on myself, not for the sake of my ex or my feelings towards him etc, i'm doing it for me. Yes, I acknowledge that there are some feelings left for him, and as far as exploring that area, it's just not going to happen. I'm going to continue doing what I have been doing (which has been working wonders). The more I focus on myself, the happier I make myself, which in turn, allows me to move forward with my life.

 

I didn't need to post a thread about this particular instance, but doing so helps me to understand myself a bit better. Perspective.

 

Clear things up?!

 

With respect, what does this mean? I don't understand what you're saying at all, Erica.

 

To (obviously) some on here, you do not appear to have made very much progress at all. Actions are more convincing than words. In fact, 'I think she doth protest too much' comes to mind frequently when I read your posts on most subjects, Erica. I read quite a lot of them (and there are a lot to read!)

 

So your idea of focusing on yourself is NOT my 'take' on you actively doing something about your feelings for your ex. Does that make sense?!

 

By saying that you are choosing not to explore why you still have those feelings for your ex, you are not, in fact, focusing on yourself. Those feelings are obviously a big part of you or you wouldn't need to ask questions about them. How can you even say you are choosing not to explore them when you post about them regularly? Surely, asking a question about them appears to be trying to explore them? Again, it does not make sense.

 

What you seem to be saying is that you like to talk about yourself a lot and not delve into why this is the case. I agree with that. I can see this may help you to feel good about yourself: you tend to get a lot of sympathy and good wishes and positive comments. Those things feel nice. But they are feeding your ego and not your self-esteem. A dollop of ego-food can be great but unless the self-esteem is in place, it can become like crack.

 

I do hope you learn to understand yourself better but I don't believe you're doing all you can to get there, at the moment. A change in your behaviour might convince me.

 

Ok. I'm boring myself, now but you ain't half a complicated and contradictory kettle of fish, young lady.

 

x

[spriggig]

...although the word 'choice' suggest a conscious decision, which is where is becomes difficult to comprehend.

 

...Then we can have the strength to admit that we were, in fact, choosing to 'stay miserable', as abhorrent as that concept can be to someone who is not happy.

 

It's discovering that you are in control of you. It's taking responsibility for all of your past actions, dealing with any guilt and then consciously driving and steering yourself forward. There is a lot of work involved in actually following through with this--work and pain sometimes. It seems like blaming others is so much easier, also that is the path we've been shown through example by our family and friends, and even the media.

 

Except, really, the emotional and mental energy required to deny responsibility, avoid guilt and justify ones actions is at least equal to the energy required to go in the opposite direction. Which is why I think this denial mentality is culturally learned, rather than endemic to being human. But that is probably for a different thread.

[mickleb]

It's discovering that you are in control of you. It's taking responsibility for all of your past actions, dealing with any guilt and then consciously driving and steering yourself forward. There is a lot of work involved in actually following through with this--work and pain sometimes. It seems like blaming others is so much easier, also that is the path we've been shown through example by our family and friends, and even the media.

 

Except, really, the emotional and mental energy required to deny responsibility, avoid guilt and justify ones actions is at least equal to the energy required to go in the opposite direction. Which is why I think this denial mentality is culturally learned, rather than endemic to being human. But that is probably for a different thread.

 

Yes. Very good. Agreed.

 

 

x

[EricaH329]

Mick - As far as your post goes, I seriously think you misunderstand me. This thread wasn't meant to be taken as though i'm still 'stuck' on him. I posted this thread as the shock was fresh immediatly after reading his e-mail. The next day, I woke up and read this thread again, and realized those emotions and feelings were completely gone. It stung a bit, for a bit, and that was it. I'm over it now.

 

I'd like for you to read the following response to GC i've posted, and let me know if you still think i'm not 'doing enough'.

 

By "focus on myself", what does that mean to you?

 

This is going to be a long one, I hope you made some popcorn

 

I knew someone would ask this question, and I thought long and hard about this. It's very hard to explain, but i'm going to give it my best shot.

 

My whole life i've allowed people to disrespect me, treat me like sh*t, walk all over me, etc. I allowed this because I cared about them. And, perhaps, because that's what I was subjected to growing up (which is a different story altogether).

 

After a certain point of dealing with my ex's bullsh*t, I had become depressed and did he care? Not one bit. I didn't want sympathy (as Mick suggests I want), I wanted someone there who cared. Someone to tell me that they love me, and help me figure out ways to get better. Instead, when I told the man that I loved that I was in need of help, he turned on me. Treated me like crap, like always. I had hit rock bottom. Literally. In every aspect of my life. There was a moment of clarity, and during the moment of clarity I broke up with him. I cannot describe to you the feelings I had after I broke up with him. There wasn't one ounce of regret/guilt/remorse etc. I felt better!! MUCH better!! And that's when I started focusing on myself.

 

First thing I did was to take myself out of the situation I was in, and try to look at it from a different perspective. What did I do wrong? What could be done differently in the future? What did I contribute to that relationship? I've answered all of those questions, and if you really want me to I will answer them here on LS, but this post has already gotten super long and i'd hate to start boring people

 

Next step was take out every negative person in my life. Everyone who treated me like I was someone to be walked all over and used. People who didn't care about me, no matter how much they declared otherwise. To my surprise, it was the majority of my 'really good' friends. The people i've known the longest. After that, I was alone for a little while, until I went out and started meeting people who had a different mind frame than theirs. A more positive outlook on life, people who enjoy treating others well as well as being treated well. People who wouldn't leave you on the side of the road stranded, if that were to ever be the case.

 

Throughout that alone, I regained my self-respect. During that time, I had no need to be in another relationship (and still don't). Once I realized that the 'need' for a romantic partner wasn't there, I decided to delve into that aspect for a bit. The answer? It's easy. I found love for myself that I never had before. By taking out the people who treated me like sh*t, allowed me to treat myself better. I realized I was treating myself like crap by allowing others to treat me that way. Not anymore. I found love for myself that i've never had before. I am extremely happy being by myself, and I refuse to be with someone else who doesn't make me equally as happy or happier.

 

I've realized what I am worth, what I have to offer, and while i'm not perfect, I know what I deserve. Whether it's in a romantic partner, or just a platonic relationship.

 

Of course, that's just lightly touching on everything. If I were to go deep into everything, it'd become a novel that i'm sure many wouldn't care to read. But the point of what i'm trying to make (and have been trying to make) is that even though there's a bit of emotion still left for my ex, i've risen above that area of my life (and him) and know that no matter what, I do not want him back in my life. Because of the intense love I had for him, it'll linger a bit longer than anyone else in my past. But if I continue to work on myself, and look towards the new future goals i've set for myself (which I left out of this post), I know the only way to go from here is up. Above all of the progress i've made already, I know that i'm destined for great things, and i'm never going to give up on that.

Edited July 18, 2010 by EricaH329

[hopesndreams]

I found love for myself that I never had before.

 

I'm right there with you. It feels soooooooo good. This is a major step.

[USMCHokie]

What you seem to be saying is that you like to talk about yourself a lot and not delve into why this is the case. I agree with that. I can see this may help you to feel good about yourself: you tend to get a lot of sympathy and good wishes and positive comments. Those things feel nice. But they are feeding your ego and not your self-esteem. A dollop of ego-food can be great but unless the self-esteem is in place, it can become like crack.

 

+1.

 

Please note the following responses from OP. You will notice that they are all happy responses in reply to posts that agree with her or sympathize with nice words.

 

That's so true! Never looked at it like that.

 

Feels great to get it off my chest! It actually puts things into perspective after venting like this. That's why I do it

 

Thanks guys!!

 

 

Now take a look at the following responses to posts that are adverse to OP or say anything to disagree with her views. You may notice that OP flat out refutes anything that doesn't fall in the category of "good wishes and positive comments."

 

Mick - As far as your post goes, I seriously think you misunderstand me.

 

Ok, to clear things up...

 

No, I do not. He is speaking of an extreme case, in which does not apply to me.

 

Having said that, I do not agree with any posts that BB has made within that thread, and would like those posts to remain where they were originally posted. Much thanks!

 

Given the intention behind his post, I absolutely cannot agree with it.

 

 

You will also notice this pattern in OP's other threads. OP went as far as to ask other members to stop posting in her thread because she did not agree with their views. You will find a certain irony when you look at the actual topic of the thread.

[bananaboat11]

Erica, you need to identify and realize there is a FINE line between arrogance and confidence. By being unable to listen and accept constructive criticism... you become arrogant and push people out consciously, or subconsciously.

 

You need to self-actualize and realize what you're saying.

[EricaH329]

I found love for myself that I never had before.

 

I'm right there with you. It feels soooooooo good. This is a major step.

 

Yes, it is! I haven't felt better in my entire life!

[EricaH329]

You will also notice this pattern in OP's other threads. OP went as far as to ask other members to stop posting in her thread because she did not agree with their views. You will find a certain irony when you look at the actual topic of the thread.

 

I find it amusing that you had an opinion about this exact thing, which contradicts the statement you just made. But... I will not bring up the specifics in a public forum like this.

 

I choose not to respond to your post or BB's post because of the opinions I hold myself. If you'd like to talk to me in private about it, then fine. If not, the contradictions between the both of you are so out of this world, I cannot take either of your posts (regarding myself) seriously.

[mickleb]

I find it amusing that you had an opinion about this exact thing, which contradicts the statement you just made. But... I will not bring up the specifics in a public forum like this.

 

I choose not to respond to your post or BB's post because of the opinions I hold myself. If you'd like to talk to me in private about it, then fine. If not, the contradictions between the both of you are so out of this world, I cannot take either of your posts (regarding myself) seriously.

 

Not being funny, love but I think you've just proved his point, there..

 

OK. So you dumped the loser ex and you distanced yourself from some people who were adding nothing to you life? Good and good but there's a lot more to do, I'm sorry to say.

 

Can you say how long the above process took? A couple of months? Is this the same time frame where you got sexually involved with that guy you thought was awkward and odd? I don't mean to sound horrid but the fact you state (highly profusely) that you love yourself and have tons of self-esteem, etc, is negated somewhat by that experience you chose to post about in great detail.

 

I still do not understand why you posted this thread. Either the ex means very, very little to you (as you seem to state), in which case why begin a new discussion topic on him, unless you are seeking attention? (BTW, some sympathy and attention seeking is allowed - we all do it and need to, sometimes.) *OR* He still gets under your skin so you post a question in order to learn something, such as "'re-teach' myself to see him as just another person, so to speak". If this is the case, congrats as a) I agree with your insight, there and b) that is a very constructive use of this forum. (BTW again, if you re-read your dating outside of your preferences' thread your ex features in a lot of your thinking despite the fact you insist you are ready to date again.)

 

Or perhaps, it's a bit of both? No problem. The issue is: you are all over the place. You admit, deny, passionately defend just to post about behaviour that goes against those words and, downright, protest too much. As I have suggested before, if the ex really does mean little to you, it is time to put that into action by choosing not to post about him. Your doing so demonstrates a strength of emotion that contrasts directly with your words.

 

I think you are trying, very hard, to gather together your self-esteem. Good for you. It's a never-ending task, really: frequently requires being kept in check. But, um, yep - IMHO, there's more work to do. (Don't worry - this is true for most of us.)

 

x

[USMCHokie]

I find it amusing that you had an opinion about this exact thing, which contradicts the statement you just made. But... I will not bring up the specifics in a public forum like this.

 

I choose not to respond to your post or BB's post because of the opinions I hold myself. If you'd like to talk to me in private about it, then fine. If not, the contradictions between the both of you are so out of this world, I cannot take either of your posts (regarding myself) seriously.

 

Didn't expect or need a response...since my views clearly do not support your position. Just shedding light, as several other members have finally begun to see. And I have specifics of my own I have elected not to share.

[GrayClouds]

First thing I did was to take myself out of the situation I was in, and try to look at it from a different perspective. What did I do wrong? What could be done differently in the future? What did I contribute to that relationship? I've answered all of those questions, and if you really want me to I will answer them here on LS, but this post has already gotten super long and i'd hate to start boring people

 

Yes it would be great if you did.

 

Next step was take out every negative person in my life. Everyone who treated me like I was someone to be walked all over and used. People who didn't care about me, no matter how much they declared otherwise.

 

With all do respect, does "everybody" include mother who, by your earlier threads would suggest is the primary perpetrator of this behavior towards you? If this is the case, that is a significant loss, that quite frankly would take most people years to heal from. How where you able to be confident you accomplished this so quickly?

 

To my surprise, it was the majority of my 'really good' friends. The people i've known the longest. After that, I was alone for a little while, until I went out and started meeting people who had a different mind frame than theirs. A more positive outlook on life, people who enjoy treating others well as well as being treated well. People who wouldn't leave you on the side of the road stranded, if that were to ever be the case.

Not even taking into account my earlier question, that too is a great deal off loss. Have you ever stop to think many of your "rants" about your EX is just sublimation to actually facing all this grieving?

 

I've realized what I am worth, what I have to offer, and while i'm not perfect, I know what I deserve. Whether it's in a romantic partner, or just a platonic relationship.

Because of the intense love I had for him, it'll linger a bit longer than anyone else in my past. But if I continue to work on myself, and look towards the new future goals i've set for myself (which I left out of this post), I know the only way to go from here is up. Above all of the progress i've made already, I know that i'm destined for great things, and i'm never going to give up on that.

I compliment you on your progress, but it is difficult to understand how you all this effort all this grieving (lost of friends on top of 2 EXs) in less then six months. Do you think there is a possibility ofter so many years of being treated poorly that your avoiding the real feeling of hurt and loss by using a pattern of coping through avoidence that you learned very young and has work so well back then?

[EricaH329]

Not being funny, love but I think you've just proved his point, there..

 

OK. So you dumped the loser ex and you distanced yourself from some people who were adding nothing to you life? Good and good but there's a lot more to do, I'm sorry to say.

 

Can you say how long the above process took? A couple of months? Is this the same time frame where you got sexually involved with that guy you thought was awkward and odd? I don't mean to sound horrid but the fact you state (highly profusely) that you love yourself and have tons of self-esteem, etc, is negated somewhat by that experience you chose to post about in great detail.

 

I still do not understand why you posted this thread. Either the ex means very, very little to you (as you seem to state), in which case why begin a new discussion topic on him, unless you are seeking attention? (BTW, some sympathy and attention seeking is allowed - we all do it and need to, sometimes.) *OR* He still gets under your skin so you post a question in order to learn something, such as "'re-teach' myself to see him as just another person, so to speak". If this is the case, congrats as a) I agree with your insight, there and b) that is a very constructive use of this forum. (BTW again, if you re-read your dating outside of your preferences' thread your ex features in a lot of your thinking despite the fact you insist you are ready to date again.)

 

Or perhaps, it's a bit of both? No problem. The issue is: you are all over the place. You admit, deny, passionately defend just to post about behaviour that goes against those words and, downright, protest too much. As I have suggested before, if the ex really does mean little to you, it is time to put that into action by choosing not to post about him. Your doing so demonstrates a strength of emotion that contrasts directly with your words.

 

I think you are trying, very hard, to gather together your self-esteem. Good for you. It's a never-ending task, really: frequently requires being kept in check. But, um, yep - IMHO, there's more work to do. (Don't worry - this is true for most of us.)

 

x

 

You are 100% correct in saying that there's more work to do. I never intended to imply that I was done with working on myself. It feels as though it's going to be a never ending task, but I have begun, and I can actually feel the difference in these last 5 months alone. I know the goal that i'm ultimately working towards will never fully get accomplished, but i'd like to get as close as possible

 

Every thread I post, I intend to learn something from. I'd like insight from others (in a non-aggressive fashion, since i've grown up with aggression around me i'm trying to eliminate as much of that as possible), to help me put things into perspective. I've come a long way since my ex, and if anyone can offer any advice or suggestions to help me move towards the ultimate goal of bettering myself as a person, I would greatly appreciate it!!

 

Also, to add on to what you stated in your post above, i've been focusing solely on myself for the last 5 months. The guy that I was dating before, was about a month ago and didn't last long. That was 4 months after I broke up with my ex. It was a casual type of thing, never got serious even though we did sleep together. To be honest (this is probably more than anyone needs to know) the main reason I slept with him is because it's been so long, and he was a guy that I was dating at the time. I don't believe it negates any sort of progress i've made thus far. It didn't set me back at all.

 

GC - I will reply to your post later on this evening. It's going to take me awhile to type out my response

 

EDIT: Thank you both (Mick and GC) for asking so many questions about this. It's really helping me to (once again) put things into perspective and allow myself to be open to new possibilities. It's really making me think!! So, I just want to say that I appreciate it!

Edited July 18, 2010 by EricaH329

[EricaH329]

Yes it would be great if you did.

 

Alright, to answer the first question

What did I do wrong?

referring to my last relationship, well... that one is a long one . To start from the very beginning of the relationship, I noticed that I pushed him away more than i'd like to admit. I'm not too sure if it's because I don't want anyone to become too close to me, or because I don't want to get hurt in the end (neither of them i've ever really thought about before, could be both) but I realized that was unhealthy for me to do and unhealthy for him to stick around for. In my next relationship, i'm going to try really hard not to do that. If I feel the need to push them away, i'm going to sit and really think about why i'm doing it. That certain situation, I feel like I may need to be put in again in order for me to fully understand why i'm doing it.

 

Another thing that I did wrong, is that he clearly wasn't the right person for me. He didn't put me or my feelings as any sort of priority in his life. If you read through the threads I started towards the middle and end of our relationship, you'll notice that I wasn't asking him for much. Where did I go wrong in that situation? Well... I tried pushing them on him. I tried to make him put them as a priority in his life, and the more he refused, the more I pushed. Here comes a new realization I just made: I thought that if I pushed hard enough, he'd try it and realize that putting me as a priority is what he wants. Turns out it wasn't. Anyway, i've learned to never push something on anyone again. It'll never work. They have to realize certain things on their own, and if they don't... then that just takes away from our compatibility.

 

The next question,

What did I contribute?

, well... I compromised more than a person should. Maybe that's a bad thing, but I truly enjoy compromising for someone who I love. I gave up a lot to be in that relationship with him, and while looking back on it now it seems that I gave up too much, I realize that I am very willing to compromise. I cared for him a great deal, and would have done anything for him. I helped him realize that there are people in this world that can care about another human being to the intensity that I had for him. I didn't disappoint him, I was always there for him to lean on whenever he needed it. I think I contributed a great deal (as did he in the beginning), and i'm going to take the negatives and positives from that relationship and use them in my next relationship.

 

 

 

With all do respect, does "everybody" include mother who, by your earlier threads would suggest is the primary perpetrator of this behavior towards you? If this is the case, that is a significant loss, that quite frankly would take most people years to heal from. How where you able to be confident you accomplished this so quickly?

 

Yes, I was mostly referring to my mother. Again, I never intended to imply that i've accomplished anything fully yet. I have accomplished a lot, mostly realizing things that need to be worked on, but I have yet to reach the end goal. It has taken me years to sift through the emotional damage my mother has done to me, and as I get older, I realize more and more things. But, on the other hand, my perspective has also changed over the years. So what I once thought might be a fix, has now changed. This is going to be an on-going battle. Trying to undo the damage that's been done. I am not fully blaming my mother, I am part of the reason why this continues, but i'm doing everything in my power to begin healing from it and working towards getting through it.

 

 

Not even taking into account my earlier question, that too is a great deal off loss. Have you ever stop to think many of your "rants" about your EX is just sublimation to actually facing all this grieving?

 

I haven't thought about it that way. I'm not too sure if that's accurate, to be honest. I noticed that I tend to separate my life into different sections. There's family issues, friend issues, and romantic issues. I think that I do a good job of separating them all, when it comes to the certain emotions that are involved, but I could be wrong. I'm not too sure. I think that's something that i'll have to figure out over time.

 

 

I compliment you on your progress, but it is difficult to understand how you all this effort all this grieving (lost of friends on top of 2 EXs) in less then six months. Do you think there is a possibility ofter so many years of being treated poorly that your avoiding the real feeling of hurt and loss by using a pattern of coping through avoidence that you learned very young and has work so well back then?

 

That's a huge possibility. I do tend to avoid pain and grieving at all costs, hoping that over time, i'll just forget about it and it'll go away. Sometimes that works, other times it stays with me for a bit longer (lingering feelings). But, as far as the loss of my friends and my ex, since I truly believe it was the best for myself, it makes the healing process much easier. I know that they weren't the people for me, and so grieving their loss becomes more of a 'what a shame' as opposed to 'I don't know what to do with myself'. It all goes back to what I deserve, and if someone doesn't treat me the way that I feel I deserve, it's a lot easier to push them out of my life. It's taken such a great deal of stress and disappointment off of my shoulders, that it's more of a relief to be honest.

[sultry33]

But you needed to be told to change your behaviours a couple of months ago, after two years of grieving, did you not, sultry?

 

And, no, we're not all that different when it comes to healing. The reason I know what I write will help is because I was hung up on a guy for 5 years when I was younger. Action was the thing that helped me to move on.

 

I asked on your thread in March if you'd read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. You didn't reply. If you had, you would understand the passive decision made by people like you and Erica and Segdwick and CarrieT (and me, up until quite recently) is a choice, although the word 'choice' suggest a conscious decision, which is where is becomes difficult to comprehend.

 

In fact, it is only with action that we can comprehend it. When we choose to behave differently, we notice we think and feel differently, too. Then we can have the strength to admit that we were, in fact, choosing to 'stay miserable', as abhorrent as that concept can be to someone who is not happy.

 

The best thing to be when someone is fresh out of a break up is, as you say, supportive and understanding but also, to offer hope. Just offering sympathy does not do this.

 

When someone is clearly struggling to change their behaviour, as Erica is, offering guidance of how to move on is the kindest thing to do. Or you keep them stuck. (Not kind.)

 

How's everything going with your new guy, are you over the old one or still stringing him along? (Honestly, I'm not being facetious, I just don't have the time to do the research.)

 

x

yes over my ex from 2yrs ago..dont think anyone *told* me to change my behaviour.

I did say I didnt really want him back but missed the feelings we had,

and previously i never choose to not get over my ex...

if that is what you mean?

 

prev ex i never strung him along thank you! he was a complete dick and I gave him too many chances.

 

OP asked this:Ever get that heart-sinking feeling?

When they contact you and you see their phone number/e-mail address/name?

 

and i replied as yes ive had that feeling so I can relate.. I dont think she is attention seeking but you I think you do.

[GrayClouds]

Alright, to answer the first question referring to my last relationship, well... that one is a long one . To start from the very beginning of the relationship, I noticed that I pushed him away more than i'd like to admit. I'm not too sure if it's because I don't want anyone to become too close to me, or because I don't want to get hurt in the end (neither of them i've ever really thought about before, could be both) but I realized that was unhealthy for me to do and unhealthy for him to stick around for. In my next relationship, i'm going to try really hard not to do that. If I feel the need to push them away, i'm going to sit and really think about why i'm doing it. That certain situation, I feel like I may need to be put in again in order for me to fully understand why i'm doing it.

 

Another thing that I did wrong, is that he clearly wasn't the right person for me. He didn't put me or my feelings as any sort of priority in his life. If you read through the threads I started towards the middle and end of our relationship, you'll notice that I wasn't asking him for much. Where did I go wrong in that situation? Well... I tried pushing them on him. I tried to make him put them as a priority in his life, and the more he refused, the more I pushed. Here comes a new realization I just made: I thought that if I pushed hard enough, he'd try it and realize that putting me as a priority is what he wants. Turns out it wasn't. Anyway, i've learned to never push something on anyone again. It'll never work. They have to realize certain things on their own, and if they don't... then that just takes away from our compatibility.

 

Where and when did you learn this pattern of pulling and pushing? Does is remind you of someone in your own life that exhibited the same behavior towards you?

 

The next question, , well... I compromised more than a person should. Maybe that's a bad thing, but I truly enjoy compromising for someone who I love. I gave up a lot to be in that relationship with him, and while looking back on it now it seems that I gave up too much, I realize that I am very willing to compromise. I cared for him a great deal, and would have done anything for him. I helped him realize that there are people in this world that can care about another human being to the intensity that I had for him. I didn't disappoint him, I was always there for him to lean on whenever he needed it. I think I contributed a great deal (as did he in the beginning), and i'm going to take the negatives and positives from that relationship and use them in my next relationship.

 

So have you learned here that line is of compromising more then you should? Could this be more of a issue of communication then compromising? Did he know you felt you were compromising, did you discuss what your expectation were as a result to you compromising? Did you think he should just be able to see you were and know what he should do?

 

Yes, I was mostly referring to my mother. Again, I never intended to imply that i've accomplished anything fully yet. I have accomplished a lot, mostly realizing things that need to be worked on, but I have yet to reach the end goal. It has taken me years to sift through the emotional damage my mother has done to me, and as I get older, I realize more and more things. But, on the other hand, my perspective has also changed over the years. So what I once thought might be a fix, has now changed. This is going to be an on-going battle. Trying to undo the damage that's been done. I am not fully blaming my mother, I am part of the reason why this continues, but i'm doing everything in my power to begin healing from it and working towards getting through it.

 

So you mean you did eliminated from your life? Or is that what you mean the on going battle? If so why do you feel love means an on going battle? Do you see how this my distort your understand of what love is?

 

 

I haven't thought about it that way. I'm not too sure if that's accurate, to be honest. I noticed that I tend to separate my life into different sections. There's family issues, friend issues, and romantic issues. I think that I do a good job of separating them all, when it comes to the certain emotions that are involved, but I could be wrong. I'm not too sure. I think that's something that i'll have to figure out over time.

 

Compartmentalizing is often a way distance oneself from experiences that a difficult to process or manage, it can interfere with integration of self. You suggest this is a good thing to be able to separate your life, do you?

 

That's a huge possibility. I do tend to avoid pain and grieving at all costs, hoping that over time, i'll just forget about it and it'll go away. Sometimes that works, other times it stays with me for a bit longer (lingering feelings).

 

More then a few have suggest maybe you have been avoid pain and grieving. Rather then examining the possibility, you often replied with denial and at times a bit of anger. Is it possible that you still may be avoid some of the pain, trying to rush your heal? Just as maybe why you dated as soon as you did after the break-up of the long term EX? Could it be the reason you stay with someone you now see was not good for you?

 

It good to see you giving these things thought, it a good example for everyone going through a break-up, is illustrate how one can make a break up a benefit grow beyond repeating mistakes.