Ever get that heart-sinking feeling?

[mickleb]

yes over my ex from 2yrs ago..dont think anyone *told* me to change my behaviour.

I did say I didnt really want him back but missed the feelings we had,

and previously i never choose to not get over my ex...

if that is what you mean?

 

prev ex i never strung him along thank you! he was a complete dick and I gave him too many chances.

 

OP asked this:Ever get that heart-sinking feeling?

When they contact you and you see their phone number/e-mail address/name?

 

and i replied as yes ive had that feeling so I can relate.. I dont think she is attention seeking but you I think you do.

 

I suggest you re-read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t225060/

 

You received a lot of good advice regarding suggested changes in behaviour. Post #7, in particular, is excellent and essentially explains what I am suggesting Erica do, here.

 

Your feelings for your ex were consuming you so much that you saw them as the reason your relationship with the guy you were with, at the time, was problematic. You did not mention he was 'a complete dick' as you were so preoccupied with your ex. Comments such as

I have come to realise that reason my current rs is probably not working

is that im still not over my ex..

I still do think about him every day and no matter what i do it still hurts.

gave me the impression you were stringing your boyfriend, of the time, along. Perhaps you have a totally different concept to mine of what 'stringing a guy' along means?

 

Aren't the all of us who start a thread seeking attention? It's not a terrible thing to admit to. It's simply a case of being honest enough to get past the negative connotations of the label and admit that it's simply the truth. I don't get why people feel defensive about it, really. I need attention sometimes. Occasionally, I'll start a thread here when that happens.

 

I'm quite interested as to which ex you were referring to when you replied to Erica. If it's still the one from two years ago, I'd offer the same advice to you as I have to her. And the same advice I offered on your thread (link above).

 

However, as GC has said on Nikki's thread, this would all be better discussed on your own thread, really.

 

x

[mickleb]

You are 100% correct in saying that there's more work to do. I never intended to imply that I was done with working on myself. It feels as though it's going to be a never ending task, but I have begun, and I can actually feel the difference in these last 5 months alone. I know the goal that i'm ultimately working towards will never fully get accomplished, but i'd like to get as close as possible

 

Every thread I post, I intend to learn something from. I'd like insight from others (in a non-aggressive fashion, since i've grown up with aggression around me i'm trying to eliminate as much of that as possible), to help me put things into perspective. I've come a long way since my ex, and if anyone can offer any advice or suggestions to help me move towards the ultimate goal of bettering myself as a person, I would greatly appreciate it!!

 

Also, to add on to what you stated in your post above, i've been focusing solely on myself for the last 5 months. The guy that I was dating before, was about a month ago and didn't last long. That was 4 months after I broke up with my ex. It was a casual type of thing, never got serious even though we did sleep together. To be honest (this is probably more than anyone needs to know) the main reason I slept with him is because it's been so long, and he was a guy that I was dating at the time. I don't believe it negates any sort of progress i've made thus far. It didn't set me back at all.

 

GC - I will reply to your post later on this evening. It's going to take me awhile to type out my response

 

EDIT: Thank you both (Mick and GC) for asking so many questions about this. It's really helping me to (once again) put things into perspective and allow myself to be open to new possibilities. It's really making me think!! So, I just want to say that I appreciate it!

 

You're welcome, Erica. It's really no biggie.

 

I think something I wanted to add, having slept on it, Erica (if you don't mind) is that the overwhelming impression I get of you is that of a girl who is trying really hard. Too hard. Trying too hard to please, to learn, to come across in the 'right' way.

 

I think, from the little I've learned about your relationship with your mother, I can appreciate why this might have become a habit. The 'treading on eggshells' picture you painted in your thread about her suggests you had a huge amount of pressure on you, whilst growing up. Pressure to do everything 'right' or you'd know about it.

 

I'm not sure if I am way off the mark, here, so please do let me know if that's the case. However, I feel the need to say to you 'be yourself'.

 

Despite the issues, that could be deemed problematic, with your recent, short relationship (btw, were you suggesting that 4 months was 'so long'?), I feel there is a lot of good to be gained from that experience. I think it demostrates you are experimenting with who you are, more. I think that's, potentially, very important for you. I'm not saying you need to go sleep around a lot(!) - that could be very damaging - but your posting so extensively on it suggested that you are beginning to care less about how you might be perceived.

 

To me, Erica, this could mean that you are really beginning to find yourself: your voice.

 

I hope this makes sense and is useful. If not, I apologise!

 

x

[EricaH329]

Where and when did you learn this pattern of pulling and pushing? Does is remind you of someone in your own life that exhibited the same behavior towards you?

 

Oh, most definitely! When I was a child, that's all that I was subjected to. Deep love one minute, and total disgust the next. While i'm not to that extreme, I have shown signs of that push/pull behavior. That's something i'm working on.

 

So have you learned here that line is of compromising more then you should? Could this be more of a issue of communication then compromising? Did he know you felt you were compromising, did you discuss what your expectation were as a result to you compromising? Did you think he should just be able to see you were and know what he should do?

 

Good questions!! I've always been the type of person to compromise. Whether it's for a friend or a loved one. In the beginning of our relationship, we both did a ton of compromising. During the times that I would push him away, I actually felt resentment towards him for all the things I compromised for him.

 

There's a bit more to it, though. I moved in with him and his family 3 hours away from everything i've ever known. His family is the same as mine is. Same emotional damage, physical abuse, etc. We had that in common and I think that's actually the main reason why we felt so connected to eachother. We know exactly where the both of us had come from, and how we want to be the complete opposite growing up. We both strived to make that possible, but living in that situation actually made it worse.

 

I digress. He could see the compromises I was making, as did I with him. We both very much appreciated eachother for them. It wasn't until he left for the military that he expected me to make bigger compromises, and not take notice of them. All the while, the minute I asked him to make one little compromise, the answer was an indefinite 'no', subtly though of course. If he were to actually come straight out and say 'no' I would have left a long time ago. He lead me to believe that the compromises were coming. They never did.

 

So you mean you did eliminated from your life? Or is that what you mean the on going battle? If so why do you feel love means an on going battle? Do you see how this my distort your understand of what love is?

 

I'm a bit confused as to what you mean. The 'on-going' battle I was referring to is the struggle to fully work through the emotional damage that's been done to me as a child. It's never an easy thing to accomplish. I'm slowly, but surely, working on it.

 

Compartmentalizing is often a way distance oneself from experiences that a difficult to process or manage, it can interfere with integration of self. You suggest this is a good thing to be able to separate your life, do you?

 

I'd be naive to answer that question with a yes or a no. I don't know any other way of life. I've had to learn to compartmentalize my life, or else i'd be a walking wreck.

 

More then a few have suggest maybe you have been avoid pain and grieving. Rather then examining the possibility, you often replied with denial and at times a bit of anger. Is it possible that you still may be avoid some of the pain, trying to rush your heal? Just as maybe why you dated as soon as you did after the break-up of the long term EX? Could it be the reason you stay with someone you now see was not good for you?

 

I don't think i'm trying to rush my healing. I'm allowing it to happen at it's own rate. If I really wanted to date right now, I could most certainly go out and do so. But i'm very much happy being by myself. I enjoy my friends and my alone time. I can't see myself getting serious with anyone right now, so i'm not going to bother unless someone really special comes along.

 

My ex and I have broken up many, many times (as you well know). This was inevitable. While I wish we could have gotten married and things would have been great between us, that's just an impossible thought at this moment. I don't believe 4 months is too soon. I don't believe it's too long either. I think that whenever I honestly feel like I could be ready to date, is when I should give it a shot. This very good looking, nice, sweet, smart guy came into my life, and although I had my doubts, I decided to give it a shot. It turned out that he wasn't as compatible with myself as I was hoping, but I don't regret doing that at all. It actually helped me with realizing what I do want, and what I don't want, and making sure that I implement that this time around.

 

It good to see you giving these things thought, it a good example for everyone going through a break-up, is illustrate how one can make a break up a benefit grow beyond repeating mistakes.

 

Most certainly!

[EricaH329]

You're welcome, Erica. It's really no biggie.

 

I think something I wanted to add, having slept on it, Erica (if you don't mind) is that the overwhelming impression I get of you is that of a girl who is trying really hard. Too hard. Trying too hard to please, to learn, to come across in the 'right' way.

 

I can absolutely 100% agree with you that I used to be that way. In every aspect of my life. Perhaps that's why when I would be in a romantic relationship, I would begin pushing the other person away. Out of resentment for the fact that I was unable to make myself happy because I was trying to make others happy. Just a thought, though. But you are completely correct in saying that.

 

I think, from the little I've learned about your relationship with your mother, I can appreciate why this might have become a habit. The 'treading on eggshells' picture you painted in your thread about her suggests you had a huge amount of pressure on you, whilst growing up. Pressure to do everything 'right' or you'd know about it.

 

Ugh, yeah. It's still that same way. But referring back to what I posted in response to GC's post, I think that's exactly why i've had to compartmentalize my life the way I have. If not, I believe that the relationships outside of the one that I have with my mother would have suffered a great deal more than they did.

 

As far as the area with my mother that i've been working on, i've come to understand and accept the fact that she is the way that she is. Does it still hurt? Of course it does. Do I still try to please her? Absolutely. Do the negative things she says about me hurt? Yup! But when all is said and done, I know that she loves me, and I know that she doesn't understand how to love someone in a healthy way. I could blame her for that, but I don't. Everyone has their own issues. This is hers. I just have to tough it out.

 

I'm not sure if I am way off the mark, here, so please do let me know if that's the case. However, I feel the need to say to you 'be yourself'.

 

Despite the issues, that could be deemed problematic, with your recent, short relationship (btw, were you suggesting that 4 months was 'so long'?), I feel there is a lot of good to be gained from that experience. I think it demostrates you are experimenting with who you are, more. I think that's, potentially, very important for you. I'm not saying you need to go sleep around a lot(!) - that could be very damaging - but your posting so extensively on it suggested that you are beginning to care less about how you might be perceived.

 

Absolutely! I really don't care how I come across to people anymore. I don't believe i'm a jack@$$, or a mean person. If someone tells me something that needs to be worked on (and truly means it, not out of bitterness for their own situation), then I will most certainly take it into consideration.

 

However, i'm trying to get over this whole 'pleasing people' thing and try to please myself for once. If that means that some people won't like it, then i'm sorry for them. But that doesn't mean i'm not going to continue doing what makes me happy. Not everyone is going to like me, which is fine because I won't like certain people either, but as long as i'm doing what I believe is best for myself, that's all that really matters. Within reason, of course. I would never physically harm someone, or anything like that.

 

To me, Erica, this could mean that you are really beginning to find yourself: your voice.

 

I hope this makes sense and is useful. If not, I apologise!

 

x

 

Your posts have most certainly been useful, and have made sense! Thank you very much for taking the time to post about my situation, and giving it some serious thought! I truly appreciate your kindness.

[GrayClouds]

Oh, most definitely! When I was a child, that's all that I was subjected to. Deep love one minute, and total disgust the next. While i'm not to that extreme, I have shown signs of that push/pull behavior. That's something i'm working on.

Specifically how?

Good questions!! I've always been the type of person to compromise. Whether it's for a friend or a loved one. In the beginning of our relationship, we both did a ton of compromising. During the times that I would push him away, I actually felt resentment towards him for all the things I compromised for him.

What are your doing to earn healthy boundaries?

There's a bit more to it, though. I moved in with him and his family 3 hours away from everything i've ever known. .

Considering you childhood home life, is it possible you struggle to let go has as much to do with the disappointment of losing opportunity to leave your old life, a way to get you out of your mothers influence and hurtfulness?

I'm a bit confused as to what you mean. The 'on-going' battle I was referring to is the struggle to fully work through the emotional damage that's been done to me as a child. It's never an easy thing to accomplish. I'm slowly, but surely, working on it.

Yes somehow the question turn into gobbily-gook it should read:

So you mean you did eliminated your mother from your life? Or is that what you mean the on going battle that you still in relationship with her? If so why do you feel love means an on going battle? Do you see how this my distort your understand of what love is?

I'd be naive to answer that question with a yes or a no. I don't know any other way of life. I've had to learn to compartmentalize my life, or else i'd be a walking wreck

In fact we all do it a little, but if your a walking wreck if you did not suggest more then a little. Often the by product of someone who depends on it too much is they hurt the people around them often unintentionally, over rationalize and justify behaviors, and often suffer from anxiety, depression, and substance abuse over time. I not suggesting that is the case for you now, but I am suggesting it may be time to find the courage to learn a new way to live. The is a great opportunity of you here, entails a great deal of work, a great deal of courage, but you will be glad you did. You have the opportunity to live a more honest, calm, and constant life.

I don't think i'm trying to rush my healing. I'm allowing it to happen at it's own rate. If I really wanted to date right now, I could most certainly go out and do so. But i'm very much happy being by myself. I enjoy my friends and my alone time. I can't see myself getting serious with anyone right now, so i'm not going to bother unless someone really special comes along.

 

My ex and I have broken up many, many times (as you well know). This was inevitable. While I wish we could have gotten married and things would have been great between us, that's just an impossible thought at this moment. I don't believe 4 months is too soon. I don't believe it's too long either. I think that whenever I honestly feel like I could be ready to date, is when I should give it a shot. This very good looking, nice, sweet, smart guy came into my life, and although I had my doubts, I decided to give it a shot. It turned out that he wasn't as compatible with myself as I was hoping, but I don't regret doing that at all. It actually helped me with realizing what I do want, and what I don't want, and making sure that I implement that this time around.

Understand even if your not dating to be serious, most people are. If you have not healed from the last relationship, or stuff from childhood it is not fair to the other people or you. You will find it to be difficult to find compatibility, likely it will be closer to co-dependency. Considering what you have suggest about your relationship with your mother and your EX, you may already have a bias toward it. Both seem willing to take advantage of your soft boundaries, resulting in you trying harder.

[EricaH329]

Specifically how?

 

How am I showing the signs? Or how am I working on it? I'm assuming you mean the latter. This process isn't something that I can describe. It's more or less felt. I understand that I do lean towards those behaviors when becoming close to someone romantically, and i'm searching within myself for the answer. While I do not have all the answers, I want to do something that feels right to me. Pushing people away does not feel right to me. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm trying to figure out a way where I can discontinue that behavior, while getting my emotions and feelings across about why I do that, and what to do when a feeling like that occurs.

 

What are your doing to earn healthy boundaries?

Considering you childhood home life, is it possible you struggle to let go has as much to do with the disappointment of losing opportunity to leave your old life, a way to get you out of your mothers influence and hurtfulness?

 

What am I doing to earn healthy boundaries? I'm setting them.

 

There will never be a day that i'm able to leave my mothers influence and hurtfulness. That will follow me around my entire life. I will never take her out of my life completely, I just can't do that. However, I can learn to manage my feelings and emotions towards her and the emotions she has created within myself.

 

Yes somehow the question turn into gobbily-gook it should read:

So you mean you did eliminated your mother from your life? Or is that what you mean the on going battle that you still in relationship with her? If so why do you feel love means an on going battle? Do you see how this my distort your understand of what love is?

 

I don't believe it distorts my understanding of what love is. Having loved someone with every ounce of my being, I believe I know what it is to love. Now, if you were to ask if my mothers influence has created unhealthy reactions while being in love, or loving another, i'd have to say yes. It has. Hence the push/pull issue.

 

In fact we all do it a little, but if your a walking wreck if you did not suggest more then a little. Often the by product of someone who depends on it too much is they hurt the people around them often unintentionally, over rationalize and justify behaviors, and often suffer from anxiety, depression, and substance abuse over time. I not suggesting that is the case for you now, but I am suggesting it may be time to find the courage to learn a new way to live. The is a great opportunity of you here, entails a great deal of work, a great deal of courage, but you will be glad you did. You have the opportunity to live a more honest, calm, and constant life.

 

That's what i'm trying to do by focusing on myself. Learning a new way to live. Taking everything i've ever known and seeing how it's going to apply to myself in the future. Realizing and understanding my flaws and mistakes, and doing my best to understand them and over come them. It's a process, though. It never happens over night, and if someone tells you it does, they would be sadly mistaken. This is going to take much time and effort, but I believe I have the right tools to continue working through this. I have the patience it's going to require, and the absolute belief in myself that I will over come these issues.

 

Understand even if your not dating to be serious, most people are. If you have not healed from the last relationship, or stuff from childhood it is not fair to the other people or you. You will find it to be difficult to find compatibility, likely it will be closer to co-dependency. Considering what you have suggest about your relationship with your mother and your EX, you may already have a bias toward it. Both seem willing to take advantage of your soft boundaries, resulting in you trying harder.

 

That's another thing i've been thinking a lot about. The people that I want to attract, and want to be attracted to myself. In the past, i've mostly dated guys who had a similar backround to myself. The emotional baggage and all. It was easier to relate to them, to understand them. However, I no longer want someone who is on the same level as I am. I want to be able to learn something new and beneficial from the next person I decide to date, and hope that I can offer the same in return.

Edited July 20, 2010 by EricaH329

[mickleb]

Glad I wasn't too far off the mark, Erica! I am impressed with how determined you appear to be to explore the issues being raised here.

 

Erica - you appear to have a LOT on your plate to deal with. I'm sorry to say, I imagine it would take years to sift through and piece back together again.

 

I think you're the type of person who could benefit enormously from therapy - the right therapist could save you years of hard work and mistake-making. We all need to face that we all will continue to make mistakes, btw, it's just that some are more damaging than others. A good therapist can steer you into recognising the big ones on the horizon.

 

What counselling options are available to you?

 

Also, what possibilities are there around you moving into a living situation where you would be more independent from your mother's continual negative influence on you? (Big, untidy question - hope you got my drift..)

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Or how am I working on it? I'm assuming you mean the latter. This process isn't something that I can describe. It's more or less felt. I understand that I do lean towards those behaviors when becoming close to someone romantically, and i'm searching within myself for the answer. While I do not have all the answers, I want to do something that feels right to me.

 

The problem is what feels "right" to you is to push and pull. If you grew up in this environment and practice this behavior for your you whole life, this is as natural as breathing.

 

Doctors often have the hardest time breaking addictive behaviors. Not only because they ave easy access but drugs, because they are intelligent. They over estimate their ability to managed their behaviors, they are so effective at rationalizing their behaviors. Erica you are a smart girl, but like all of use we have blind spots, coping mechanism to protect them that work of this nature is very, very difficult to do on your own.

 

What am I doing to earn healthy boundaries? I'm setting them.

 

There will never be a day that i'm able to leave my mothers influence and hurtfulness. That will follow me around my entire life. I will never take her out of my life completely, I just can't do that. However, I can learn to manage my feelings and emotions towards her and the emotions she has created within myself.

 

Why to you have to manage your feeling and emotion towards her if they are appropriate? If she is hurting you, it should hurt and your should feel bad. If not then this is approaching some level of disassociation. Would it not be healthier to manage the emotions, but manage your behavior through setting a healthier boundary, like removing your self from and environment that is hurting you?

I don't believe it distorts my understanding of what love is. Having loved someone with every ounce of my being, I believe I know what it is to love. Now, if you were to ask if my mothers influence has created unhealthy reactions while being in love, or loving another, i'd have to say yes. It has. Hence the push/pull issue.

You may know what it is too love but do you think, not logical, but emotion and spiritually what it is to BE loved? Has your relationship with your mom offered you a good example of that?

 

 

That's another thing i've been thinking a lot about. The people that I want to attract, and want to be attracted to myself. In the past, i've mostly dated guys who had a similar backround to myself. The emotional baggage and all. It was easier to relate to them, to understand them. However, I no longer want someone who is on the same level as I am. I want to be able to learn something new and beneficial from the next person I decide to date, and hope that I can offer the same in return.

 

While difficult, instead of wanting to learn something new and beneficial for the next person you date, why not focus on yourself and learn that on your own? It has been said insight is helpful, implementation is hard. I obvious you have done a great deal of thinking, it has lead you to some real insights. Though like all of us when facing this difficult work of change, it is very helpful to have support when attempting it. A clear outside perspective to see when we are veering into our blind spots, some our EGO is getting in the way of building self esteem. While good ones are not easy to find, ususly takes a few tries and some commitment, do you think you would benefit having someone like this?

[EricaH329]

Glad I wasn't too far off the mark, Erica! I am impressed with how determined you appear to be to explore the issues being raised here.

 

Erica - you appear to have a LOT on your plate to deal with. I'm sorry to say, I imagine it would take years to sift through and piece back together again.

 

I think you're the type of person who could benefit enormously from therapy - the right therapist could save you years of hard work and mistake-making. We all need to face that we all will continue to make mistakes, btw, it's just that some are more damaging than others. A good therapist can steer you into recognising the big ones on the horizon.

 

What counselling options are available to you?

 

Also, what possibilities are there around you moving into a living situation where you would be more independent from your mother's continual negative influence on you? (Big, untidy question - hope you got my drift..)

 

x

 

I've actually looked into therapy already. There's one major issue (which ties into everything else). No medical insurance, and can't afford it on my own. I'm living with my mother right now because she is having a difficult time financially. I would have already been out if it weren't for this major issue. I'm in a pretty tough situation right now. She does know that i'm going to be moving a few states away within the next year, but as for right now I can't really do much.

[EricaH329]

The problem is what feels "right" to you is to push and pull. If you grew up in this environment and practice this behavior for your you whole life, this is as natural as breathing.

 

Doctors often have the hardest time breaking addictive behaviors. Not only because they ave easy access but drugs, because they are intelligent. They over estimate their ability to managed their behaviors, they are so effective at rationalizing their behaviors. Erica you are a smart girl, but like all of use we have blind spots, coping mechanism to protect them that work of this nature is very, very difficult to do on your own.

 

I would get therapy if I was able to afford it. Unfortunately, it's out of the question for now.

 

Why to you have to manage your feeling and emotion towards her if they are appropriate? If she is hurting you, it should hurt and your should feel bad. If not then this is approaching some level of disassociation. Would it not be healthier to manage the emotions, but manage your behavior through setting a healthier boundary, like removing your self from and environment that is hurting you?

 

Does it still hurt? Of course it does. Do I still try to please her? Absolutely. Do the negative things she says about me hurt? Yup! But when all is said and done, I know that she loves me, and I know that she doesn't understand how to love someone in a healthy way. I could blame her for that, but I don't. Everyone has their own issues. This is hers. I just have to tough it out.

 

Sorry for quoting myself, running out of time.

 

 

You may know what it is too love but do you think, not logical, but emotion and spiritually what it is to BE loved? Has your relationship with your mom offered you a good example of that?

 

Most certainly not. And as i've stated before, I tend to go after the people who have a similar backround as I do. That's never good, especially with all of the emotional damage that's been done. Another reason why i'm waiting to get into a relationship, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't help me become a better person.

 

While difficult, instead of wanting to learn something new and beneficial for the next person you date, why not focus on yourself and learn that on your own? It has been said insight is helpful, implementation is hard. I obvious you have done a great deal of thinking, it has lead you to some real insights. Though like all of us when facing this difficult work of change, it is very helpful to have support when attempting it. A clear outside perspective to see when we are veering into our blind spots, some our EGO is getting in the way of building self esteem. While good ones are not easy to find, ususly takes a few tries and some commitment, do you think you would benefit having someone like this?

 

I was referring to when I do get into another relationship again. I don't see that happening anytime soon, though. And until then, i'm going to continue to focus solely on myself, and try to help sift through the issues that I have and become a better person. That's all that I can do right now.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've posted one thread per month about him since the break up.

 

 

 

Tell us honestly:

 

When that magical date on the calendar appears each month, does it feel a good deal like "payday" ??

 

 

 

 

I mean, it's "okay" and all, but we'd really be more impressed if you were in the habit of being more truthful about your feelings (in this anonymous arena on the internet).

[EricaH329]

Tell us honestly:

 

When that magical date on the calendar appears each month, does it feel a good deal like "payday" ??

 

 

 

 

I mean, it's "okay" and all, but we'd really be more impressed if you were in the habit of being more truthful about your feelings (in this anonymous arena on the internet).

 

In this thread, I have been as truthful and honest as I can possibly be. Anything else you are expecting me to say/do, I cannot. Whether it's because I have yet to realize it, or it's just not in the realm of possibility for me. I've said everything I can say, and there isn't anything more I can add about that.

[GrayClouds]

In this thread, I have been as truthful and honest as I can possibly be. Anything else you are expecting me to say/do, I cannot. Whether it's because I have yet to realize it, or it's just not in the realm of possibility for me. I've said everything I can say, and there isn't anything more I can add about that.

 

 

Erica you underestimate you abilities and your creativity.

 

I would get therapy if I was able to afford it. Unfortunately, it's out of the question for now.

 

I pretty sure that if this was a higher priory you could find funds, I know for a fact these is sliding scale therapy in your state. If you environment is not supported their is always options. Start calling around and you will see. It may not be easy but, if committed to it, you can find away.

 

 

.

[EricaH329]

I pretty sure that if this was a higher priory you could find funds, I know for a fact these is sliding scale therapy in your state. If you environment is not supported their is always options. Start calling around and you will see. It may not be easy but, if committed to it, you can find away.

 

Cheapest sliding scale in this area is $50 per session. The job I have now brings in $500 - $600 a month. One session could be a weeks worth of groceries. Eating is a priority above therapy. Like I said, i've looked into everything.

[mickleb]

I've actually looked into therapy already. There's one major issue (which ties into everything else). No medical insurance, and can't afford it on my own. I'm living with my mother right now because she is having a difficult time financially. I would have already been out if it weren't for this major issue. I'm in a pretty tough situation right now. She does know that i'm going to be moving a few states away within the next year, but as for right now I can't really do much.

 

Sorry to hear that there are no counselling options available to you, to your knowledge. I'm not sure how it works in the States, so can offer little advice on that one. Anyone else got any suggestions of how Erica could access something free or sliding scale, or summat?

 

Have you read 'From Heartbreak to Connection' or 'Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson? They are very good starting places for breaking down your own patterns in relationships and seeing if you need to reassemble. (Most of us need to.) The online help center (look! I can spell American!) is $30 dollars per year and you get to download the first book for that. Somebody gave me that book as a gift - it was the best present I have ever received and is the very best alternative to therapy that I have ever come across. There's also a forum specifically for those working through their break-up and plus information on RL groups in your area or how to your own, should you choose to. (I think you'd be great at something like that!) http://www.abandonment.net/index.html

 

So, I'm guessing your main focus is saving money in order to be able to move out/put yourself through therapy, at the moment? If I am correct, it would be good to hear about your efforts/successes in this area, so we can encourage you in your endeavours.

 

Also, if you can access either of the above books, it'd be interesting to see how you're working through them. I'd be happy to help you with that, if you'd like.

 

Take care.

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Cheapest sliding scale in this area is $50 per session. The job I have now brings in $500 - $600 a month. One session could be a weeks worth of groceries. Eating is a priority above therapy. Like I said, i've looked into everything.

 

 

$600 / 4wks= $150

$150 / 40hr = $3.75 per hour?

[EricaH329]

I promise I will respond to your posts (mick and GC) tomorrow morning, I just got back from spending the entire day at an amusement park (which was tons of fun, and very little sunburn! ), but I just had to add a couple of things before I head off to bed.

 

Posting about this situation so much lately has made me think a lot about it. I went so long without recognizing the memories him and I had, and the things associated with them. But over the last few days i've noticed more and more i've been noticing certain things. For example, I was outside drinking my coffee this morning thinking about the fun day ahead me when I looked out onto the horizon and the familiarity of the scene became very intense. It reminded me of him. When him and I would wake up really early and go outside for coffee and watch the sun slowly rise above the tree tops. I never noticed little things like that until recently, until after i've spent so much time writing about it.

 

I'm beginning to think that re-hashing all of these things aren't very productive. I would have very much enjoyed my cup of coffee and the scenery this morning ten times more if he hadn't of popped into my head. I think I need to lay it down to rest. For good. The more I type and think about it, the more it brings it to the surface, and i'm much better off without those emotions and memories. Maybe one day when i'm able to think back on them fondly without nostalgia I can re-visit them. For now, i'm perfectly happy living my life keeping them in the box tucked away in my mind that's marked 'For Another Day'.

[Heatemyheart89]

i get that too my ex keeps contacting me right now and it makes me feel sick1

[GrayClouds]

Erica you deserve better from yourself and for yourself.

I'm beginning to think that re-hashing all of these things aren't very productive. For now, i'm perfectly happy living my life keeping them in the box tucked away in my mind that's marked 'For Another Day'.

Is it just me or did you just say:

I've thought about this, and i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to do anything.

 

After 5+ pages of post are we going to just start over where we started?

 

After:

 

• Unilaterally stating your thinking for him but that does not mean anything - but now your saying it the thread that is making you think of him
  
• Stated you eliminated the unsupported people in your life - though admit one person who you have stated is a major issue is still in it
  
• That you would like to pursue therapy but financially your not position to - despite even at minimum wage your working less then 20 hours a month
  

While the whole time taking offense that some posters suggest you may not be seeing how your giving contradictory messages that is keeping you stuck. Keeping you stuck on him but it is not about him, do not let fear get in your way. You can not go around it, you have to go through it. You have shown a great deal of courage, do not stop now.

 

 

 

.

Edited July 30, 2010 by GrayClouds

[mickleb]

I promise I will respond to your posts (mick and GC) tomorrow morning, I just got back from spending the entire day at an amusement park (which was tons of fun, and very little sunburn! ), but I just had to add a couple of things before I head off to bed.

 

Posting about this situation so much lately has made me think a lot about it. I went so long without recognizing the memories him and I had, and the things associated with them. But over the last few days i've noticed more and more i've been noticing certain things. For example, I was outside drinking my coffee this morning thinking about the fun day ahead me when I looked out onto the horizon and the familiarity of the scene became very intense. It reminded me of him. When him and I would wake up really early and go outside for coffee and watch the sun slowly rise above the tree tops. I never noticed little things like that until recently, until after i've spent so much time writing about it.

 

I'm beginning to think that re-hashing all of these things aren't very productive. I would have very much enjoyed my cup of coffee and the scenery this morning ten times more if he hadn't of popped into my head. I think I need to lay it down to rest. For good. The more I type and think about it, the more it brings it to the surface, and i'm much better off without those emotions and memories. Maybe one day when i'm able to think back on them fondly without nostalgia I can re-visit them. For now, i'm perfectly happy living my life keeping them in the box tucked away in my mind that's marked 'For Another Day'.

 

Hey Erica! Where'd you go..?

 

I'm glad you have noticed you're thinking too much about him. We are in agreement. Whilst your comments above suggest you are not, really, over him, in order to fully heal you need to be thinking about you, your mother's influence on you and how to save money to deal with both of those biggies.

 

If you do not address the issues raised in this thread, that little box you wish to tuck your life experiences into will become your own, hand-crafted, Pandora's nightmare.

 

The longer we put off the nasty jobs, the harder they become to get done. Plus, the pat on the back and little rest we can give ourselves, after we've accomplished those tasks, is infinitely more satisfying.

 

Hope all is well with you, Erica and that we hear from you soon.

 

x

[You Go Girl]

There once was a little girl who was running through the grass laughing, being chased by a dog, or a friend, or chasing something herself--like a butterfly.

That little girl never knew this guy.

She was a whole person, laughing, ignorant of his existance.

She's still you--you're still her! A whole person. No parts are missing.

You existed, better than that--thrived--before you ever knew him, and you can do so again, anytime you decide to.

Sunrises were beautiful long before he came into your life, and will be beautiful long after he is gone. Sunrises are beautiful, period. They certainly don't require his existance or gaze to be beautiful, and neither do you.