Fourth date: should I invite the guy over to watch DVDs if I don't plan on having sex

[SadandConfusedWA]

Virgin,

 

People are different. Attraction styles are different. I find it difficult to feel attracted to strangers. Always have. When you meet someone via online dating, they are a complete stranger to you. It takes a while.

 

I joined online dating because in the last year (or almost 2) I pretty much met NO single men in my age group. Men I work with or meet through work functions, when with friends etc were ALL taken. Most of them married in fact. I did develop pointless crushes on 2 married men over this time. I didn't feel attracted to them at first when I met them. But as I was around them more and got to know them, the attraction developed.

 

There are people out there who can feel instantly attracted to somone they meet for the first time. I am simply not wired like that.

[TheLoneSock]

An invitation over to "watch movies" is almost always a euphemism for "having sex," or at least some very heavy play time.

 

It is? No wonder girls are always so nervous when I have them over for a movie. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong intentions

 

I'm really just a big movie nerd and it's always better to watch it with someone.

[SadandConfusedWA]

"The fact of the matter is that at age 31 you have apparently had three failed LTR's already, a whole bunch of shorter term dud relationships, and are currently playing "dating games" with a guy who you don't have romantic/sexual feelings for, i.e. you are just wasting time with yet another guy to add to the previous 50-70. At age 31, time is something you don't have a huge amount left of. Not if you want to find a good man to marry and have children with while you are still young enough to reasonably enjoy the process.

 

Yeap, that's exactly why multi-dating is so effective at this point

 

As for bitter comments: you have completly zeroed in on this thead. When people do that it is for one of two reasons:

 

Either

 

a) You have something against ME

 

or

 

b) There is something in what I have written that you are taking personally. Either you were treated as a doormat or were rejected in the past because there was no spark, or someone witheld sex form you

 

Now which is it?

[threebyfate]

c) SadandConfused shot vestigalvirgin's dog.

[BentSpine]

Thanks for the benefit of doubt.

Sex muddies the intellect and causes bonding, which makes it counterproductive to someone who's more interested in relationship-style men.

So you bond and the relationship still fizzles out, what then? Is that the end of the world? Will you, like Gloria Gaynor, survive? Whole LS sisterhood, known or unknown to you, is going to tell you how strong and independent you are. Yet for all those affirming words this fear of bonding seems as scary as waking up on your wedding day with 20 lbs still left to loose to fit into that perfect white dress. I'd say guys go through the same heart ache whenever they have tried to be the gallant prince but realised they had been draughted to her third gossiping maiden instead. If my memory serves me righ, you would advice guys to suck it up and move on. Seems like that is equally valuble advice to the bonded women.

Not hopping into bed at the drop of a hat, doesn't even come close to meaning that women like this are frigid.

Times have changed. It's like together dancing: dancing cheek to cheek used to be too intimate to casually do with strangers. Nowadays, in the rare events that a woman still insists on not dancing that closely, I won't be gliding across the dance floor with her again. Why would I when 19 out of 20 women nowadays gladly accepts a close and more enjoyable embrace. In a similar fashion, the vast majority of the women I've been romantically with have not withheld intimacy past the 2nd date, so it's understandable that I won't stay to find out what a woman's sexual hang up is. In my view the withholding woman would indeed be emulating a frigid woman. And as long as I feel I have easier options, I won't go there. But I fully realise that since you TBF are a pretty woman, you have never run out suiters even with your safer, withholding way. We all do what works for us. Edited July 15, 2010 by BentSpine

[that girl]

Vestalvirgin you are being hostile and bitter.

 

Truth telling is "It is a bad idea to invite a guy over if you aren't planning on having sex with him"

 

Hostile and bitter is "That false naiivety just is really a poor sell that simply won't work on a confident, competent, sexually-experienced adult man. Yes you may be worth waiting for, but any guy who has anything going for him won't be waiting for much longer than it takes him to ascertain that you're either a real head case or just playing games."

and

"I mean c'mon it's kind of ridiculous at this point for a 31 year old woman to claim she doesn't know she's teasing a guy when she invites him to her place for dinner/dvds/whatever on the fourth date....please."

 

Truth telling is "I don't think most guys will wait 5+ dates for sex."

 

Hostile and bitter is "On the other hand, if you are withholding sex from the men you date either because you don't really like them that way, or perhaps as some sort of "test" of their suitability, then why not be honest about it?"

and

"At age 31, time is something you don't have a huge amount left of. Not if you want to find a good man to marry and have children with while you are still young enough to reasonably enjoy the process."

 

SadandConfusedWA might be prudish and naive to some people's standards, but you are acting like she is doing something to personally harm you.

 

Personally, I think SadandConfusedWA is being naive and she is a little more selective than is common, but it is hardly shocking. In my experience waiting more than 4 dates for sex isn't at all unusual and while the guy might be dissapointed, most people would not assume she a manipulative prude. Your assumption that not having sex a few dates in is freakish strikes me as far stranger.

 

As for waiting for the spark, I don't think it generally works but 4 dates is still in the grey zone. Sometimes it takes a few dates for people to really connect.

 

And as for the photo, it is pretty obviously a pro shot and I think the model is January Jones. I'd be surprised if it was SadandConfusedWA.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I don't happen to own a dog, but I find it very interesting that even in jest, you would put a gun in sadandconfused's hands and have her perform a violent act with it

 

Please, TBF is only trying to lighten the mood

[SadandConfusedWA]

By golly yes of course, why wouldn't I have "something against YOU", a person I don't know and have never met? Paranoid much?

 

 

 

 

 

LOL. Seriously, do I strike you as the "doormat" type?

 

Do you want to throw down on that one, honey?

 

Hmmmm firstly, your join date is July 2010. Something tells me that you have been here before. If so, you could have been any of the number of bitter "nice" guys who argued with me over the years. You could be holding a grudge.

 

Secondly, seriously you strike me as bitter former doormat turned women hater.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Virgin,

 

Note that I haven't asked about inviting this guy over to my place. I am house sitting a fancy house (the best house I have ever been in) and thought it would be fun idea to show him the house - and make a date out of it with movies and dinner. I also tohught it would be a nice gesture to do something for him as he has paid for previous dates. Maybe that makes me naive but sex didn't even enter my mind as I was thinking this. Only later when I gave it more thought did I realize that he would possibly see it as invitation to have sex.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Interesting that you characterize all men as either "bitter former doormats" or "women haters."

 

Doesn't leave much for you to choose from, does it, when you categorize/label people like that.

 

But forget about me.

 

How do you characterize the guy you're seeing right now?

 

I'd guess right now he's a "doormat," but if he dumps you, then he'll be a "women hater"?

 

No no no, it's all one category. Bitter former doormats that are now women haters. As far as I can tell, this guy doesn't belong there, you however do.

[JanetD]

...it kind of looks like Scarlett Johannsen a little bit...

That is Scarlett Johansson in the avatar.

[threebyfate]

Good gawd, let's take everything she says, take it completely out of context, put the worst possible and most bitter male spin on it so we can create an under-the-bed or closet monster out of thin air!

[MrNate]

Woah Woah guys! Let's just relax. Let Sad do her thing. If this his her style, then I'm all for it.

 

Whoever she's seeing now is making me pretty jealous.

 

 

Go get em'

[Phateless]

Lol...no...its just a myth that dating is just as

hard for women.Women have just as hard a

time meeting guys as men have meeting

women.50-70 !!

 

SadandConfusedWA (and other women)

 

This would be a great way to test any guy;invite him over to your place (for a movie,drink or whatever) then gauge his reaction when you end the night early or make it clear (non-verbally)that nothing sexual is going to happen.If he gets visibly upset & looks like he's trying to control his anger

( you have your red flag)...If he's understanding & calm...you get insight into his character.

 

You can also use this scenario play games..to get a guy riled up & yank his chain.Most guys will automatically assume that being invited to a woman's home is an euphemism for sex.You could dress provocatively...make suggestive comments,etc.Then at the last moment pull away "Oh what time is it ? I didn't know it was getting so late.I really have to ...." Or "Can we take this slow...can we just sit & talk for a bit ?"

 

Any women that pulled that $hit on me would get permanently disqualified for being a psycho. That's a quick and easy way to get rid of a well-adjusted guy.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Virgin,

 

I give up.

[CLC2008]

Maybe mull it over yourself instead, hmm?

 

All these replies.....must be very overwhelming.

 

I know I would feel overwhelmed, but that's just me.

 

Hope it works out.

[amymarieca]

4 dates and no sex, WTF? A real man would have already kicked you to the curb by now.

 

Men say all the time that they would never seriously date a woman who put out too soon, and then contradict themselves with statements like this. Geez.

[Phateless]

Men say all the time that they would never seriously date a woman who put out too soon, and then contradict themselves with statements like this. Geez.

 

The difference is holding out on purpose because you have a theory that it makes the relationship better. When both people are ready, do it. If you're not ready, don't do it. The time-frame or number of dates is irrelevant.

[silverfish]

Virgin,

 

People are different. Attraction styles are different. I find it difficult to feel attracted to strangers. Always have. When you meet someone via online dating, they are a complete stranger to you. It takes a while.

 

I joined online dating because in the last year (or almost 2) I pretty much met NO single men in my age group. Men I work with or meet through work functions, when with friends etc were ALL taken. Most of them married in fact. I did develop pointless crushes on 2 married men over this time. I didn't feel attracted to them at first when I met them. But as I was around them more and got to know them, the attraction developed.

 

There are people out there who can feel instantly attracted to somone they meet for the first time. I am simply not wired like that.

 

I think this point got missed. That seems like a valid reason to wait a little longer. In the words of Hannibal Lecter...you covet what you see every day (or something like that) I'm pretty sure most men could relate to this as well.

 

Why don't you explain that to him?

[Phateless]

You guys are ALL out of line. The point of this thread was a simple question and she was looking for perspectives. Everyone jumped the gun by discussing things that don't really have any bearing.

 

That's what I hate about this board and the primary reason I don't post my own questions anymore.

[Phateless]

She's aware of the sexual connotations of the situation and is wary of sending the wrong signal. Simple question.

 

My advice is to go ahead and any normal guy won't get bent out of shape for not having sex. I think I told her to enjoy the making out and maybe let him get to second base. Easy.

 

What I don't understand is you riding her ass for 7 pages.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am housesitting a HUGE house for a friend for the next 3 weeks. I am abslutely loving it even if it takes a bit longer to get to work.

 

So I am thinking of inviting the guy I have been "dating" (only 3 dates so far) over one evening to watch some movies and have light dinner. He has been paying for everything previously so I thought this would be a nice thing to do. Plus the home enivroment can possibly help to get us closer (emotionally).

 

The thing is, it's too early for sex but I am ok with making out.

 

What to do?

 

 

OK, legally and morally you have every right to create the boundaries of your relationships and of your sex life.

 

HOWEVER, you should probably conduct yourself within the bounds of:

 

"When a woman invites a man over to her house in a 'date' scenario, she probably wants something physically intimate to happen"

 

IF he accepts your invite, and expresses designs on something very intimate taking place, then don't scold him for having those expectations.

 

(you can slap his hand away from your breasts if you want, but don't belittle him for anticipating something physically intimate. You're still the woman, you have the {girlie parts}, so you set the rules)

[silverfish]

The point didn't get missed at all. Op doesn't have to have sex with anyone and when she does it can be completely on her own timetable.

 

All that's really "necessary" is to be honest about it with whomever one is dating.

 

I think we can all agree on that, can't we? I would hope so.

 

I think that's what I was suggesting - honesty. It takes a little while and close proximity sometimes to figure out if you fancy someone (or not) certainly for women anyway.

 

Honesty about this is not always seen as a positive trait in this situation, and often induces anger and / or humiliation. Myself, I'd be honest, and if the reaction was bad, I'd move on

[sugarmomma]

Invite him over and have an enjoyable evening showing him the house and dinner and a movie. As long as you are not sending signals that he is going to get lucky he should have no expectation of doing so.

 

Since when can't a guy come over for a movie and not get laid? OMG!!

 

If we give it up too soon. We're loose. If we make him wait until there is more of a connection than an attraction, we're prudes. Fcuck!! We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. OP said she doesn't like screwing virtual strangers. Did the guys miss that?

 

I think most men are so used to getting sex right away that they have a sense of entitlement nowadays.

 

If he can't come and sit his ass down and watch a movie and take his ass home, that his problem. Give up your goods when you're ready, not cuz his stick is hard. You don't owe him anything especially not informing him that you don't plan to screw him. Who cares?

 

I think virgin is a virgin. lol

[SadandConfusedWA]

You guys are ALL out of line. The point of this thread was a simple question and she was looking for perspectives. Everyone jumped the gun by discussing things that don't really have any bearing.

 

That's what I hate about this board and the primary reason I don't post my own questions anymore.

 

 

Thank you! Exactly. Obviously I wanted to get opinions if inviting a guy over singals sex to him. I am not a guy so I wouldn't know. Answers were varied, most said yes, few said no. So it was a valid concern to have.

 

Anything else discussed in this thread was/is off topic. Trying to analyze every aspect of my dating personality including how my avatar relates to my dating life (WTF?) was completly unnecesseary.