Am i expecting too much?

[Explorer2]

Me and my partner are both 30. We're a good looking attractive couple and we've been going out for 5 months. Only recently she has become less interested in making love and seems to be making excuses not to engage. i do have a huge sex drive and ideally would like to make love twice daily, which i understand is probably excessive to some. right now we're probably average 4 times a week. okay i realise that this is enough for some but take away the sex and i dont feel like she gives much else to the relationship. she lives with me, pays no bills or rent, i cook and do all the cleaning, i spend $100's on her every month including clothes and a personal trainer. im begginging to think if its all really worth it. Do you think she should be making more of an effort in general or am i being unfair on her? If i try to raise my concerns she does get defensive but i realise this is more to do with her past and not me, she hasnt had the best life which makes me think she should appreciate me even more?!

[Ronni_W]

Are you expecting too much -- no, you are DOING (giving away) too much.

SHE is expecting too much -- but the real problem is that you've been meeting and feeding those too-high expectations of hers.

 

If she's getting defensive, most likely she is perceiving how you're trying to address the problems as you attacking her. Try staying calm and non-accusatory, and just focus on the facts. The financial facts, and the facts of how you are feeling about the situation. Use "I" statements: I feel overwhelmed, taken for granted, over-worked, responsible for you, etc. This isn't working for me. I need us to agree on and stick to a more balanced and equitable arrangement. (Not, "I think you should..." or "I think you're not...")

 

Make a simple spreadsheet, list fixed household expenses, discuss with her how costs can be better shared from now on. Get her input.

Do the same for household chores.

Nothing HAS to be 50/50. It just must be something that you're BOTH comfortable with and where NEITHER feels being taken advantage of or for granted. Division of expenses can take into account different income levels. It just all has to be reasonable and fair for both parties -- whatever works for each, and for the partnership.

 

Make your own decisions of how much, if anything, you want to contribute to her personal upkeep (clothes, trainer, whatever), and let her know where it ends. You can, if you want to, mention your own short-term savings and long-term investment goals, and that your income simply can only be stretched so far. (One would think this is obvious to any other intelligent adult, but maybe she just needs a reminder.)

 

Have open and frank conversations about your sex life. It sounds as if you are basically financing her life and lifestyle. Someone who gets that in exchange for sex is a prostitute. She could have some unconscious crap/conflict going on, that's somehow relating one to the other. Of course, could also just be that she's not that sexually into you. Or, perhaps she is suffering from a bit of depression. Ask her what's going on.

 

she hasnt had the best life which makes me think she should appreciate me even more?!

The two are not related. Nobody is obligated to appreciate your kindness and generosity. Your belief, that people with difficult childhoods/life experiences "should" do or feel anything differently towards you than people with easy childhoods and lives, is misguided/inaccurate.

Edited July 14, 2010 by Ronni_W

[Enchanted Girl]

I think you are connecting two completely separate issues and trying to make them into one. You're angry at her for these things because you're not getting enough sex. That's not the right reason to be bothered by it. You're supposed to be bothered because she's not acting like an adult. I don't blame you for being angry with her, I just don't understand why you are listing the reasons you do for being so.

 

Honestly, wanting to have sex twice a day for the rest of your life with a woman is unrealistic.

 

Her wanting you to clean everything up for her and pay all the bills by yourself is also unrealistic and ridiculous.

 

You are both being the same way, having ridiculous, unrealistic standards and being upset at the other person for not fulfilling them or threatening not to fulfill them.

 

You should be dating a woman partly because of her personality. You wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if you took that more into consideration. It seems like you want a whore and not a wife. You want to be sexually satisfied and only care about the rest if you're not being pleased in that way. Because the way you word it, I'm not so sure you'd actually BE happy if she was doing all those things and still only giving you sex 4 times a week.

 

You need to treat these issues as separate issues, which they are. Even if you were getting sex twice a day, that doesn't mean you have no right to be upset about her not helping out at all. And you need to find a solution to your sexual frustration, but your solution to both is not going to be the same thing.

[Explorer2]

I think you are connecting two completely separate issues and trying to make them into one. You're angry at her for these things because you're not getting enough sex. That's not the right reason to be bothered by it. You're supposed to be bothered because she's not acting like an adult. I don't blame you for being angry with her, I just don't understand why you are listing the reasons you do for being so.

 

Honestly, wanting to have sex twice a day for the rest of your life with a woman is unrealistic.

 

Her wanting you to clean everything up for her and pay all the bills by yourself is also unrealistic and ridiculous.

 

You are both being the same way, having ridiculous, unrealistic standards and being upset at the other person for not fulfilling them or threatening not to fulfill them.

 

You should be dating a woman partly because of her personality. You wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if you took that more into consideration. It seems like you want a whore and not a wife. You want to be sexually satisfied and only care about the rest if you're not being pleased in that way. Because the way you word it, I'm not so sure you'd actually BE happy if she was doing all those things and still only giving you sex 4 times a week.

 

You need to treat these issues as separate issues, which they are. Even if you were getting sex twice a day, that doesn't mean you have no right to be upset about her not helping out at all. And you need to find a solution to your sexual frustration, but your solution to both is not going to be the same thing.

 

 

Thank you both for your replys. i think your advice was sound (both of you). I spoke to her about the house duties and that i want to be appreciated more as i feel i do everything to make her happy, and she is happy. However i was getting a bit dispondent by not getting anything back in return. the sex thing was just the final straw, the problem sex wise is that i spent the last 5 years with someone who was sexually opressed and i didnt want a repeat of that. i love my gf very much and show her that in everyway. Im really pleased that she has now decided to do more round the house and is determined to make me happy as we're planning a family, shes even decided to take up Greek cooking lessons (as i have greek grandparents) and she wants to carry on that tradition and expose our children to good food. We live in the UK and the English are not exacelty culteral! Thanks again.