Living with in-laws

[Daboo]

My wife and I have a 9-month old baby, and we live in her parents home (for now). In this home lives her mom, dad, brother, brother's wife, my wife, my daughter, and I.

 

For some reason it really really bothers me when I go home and I see my mother-in-law playing with my daughter all the time, taking her out, etc. Then my wife's brother's wife plays with the kid a lot too and that bothers me also.

 

My wife seems to have absolutely no problems with time-sharing the kid. She is a stay-at-home mom and I work a lot. I figure I'm home so little, when I'm there, it should be our time, the wife, kid, and I; and not her parents, brother, brother's wife, etc.

 

But, it's impossible for me to talk to my wife about this, without being told by her that I'm weird. She thinks the baby doesn't belong to just us, but the entire family (in different ways I suppose).

 

I'm just going crazy with this thing and need some advice. What I'm feeling, am I just being too selfish and stingy with my daughter? What logical reasons are there for me to feel like this?

[2sure]

Are you being selfish and stingy with your daughter? Yes!

Given the circumstances, your feelings are probably understandable.

You would like to be able to live independently with your wife and daughter. I am assuming that this is not possible right now.

 

Your wife's family accepting , loving, enjoying, and even taking on some responsibility for your daughter ...is actually an ideal and enviable situation. The more people that love a child, the better.

 

Try to change your feelings from jealousy to sharing and acceptance...and this could really work for you all.

[alphamale]

I'm just going crazy with this thing and need some advice.

get a seperate crib for your family

[tonnywillgram]

I understand your situation but its good to let your wife know about your feelings...

 

and i think you are not being stingy about your daughter its just that you want to spend time with her and your wife! your daughter is loved by everybody and thats just the best environment for her to grow up with!

 

http://www.positiveconflicts.org

[Tayla]

May I say from experience when I broached the subject with my husband, he said - You tell them that! He didn't have my back at all....(yes I was the breadwinner at the time of my sons' birth) . So I spoke to my MIL and she took it with a swift slap in the face. How dare I confront her after she opened her home to us! Well long story short, six weeks later we were out in the streets. I learned a painful lesson from asking to have quality time with my son when I got home....It would be six years til she even lighten'd up and talked to my son. My son still talks about his one grandmother and how distant she was to him. Every christmas gathering all the grandkids came around, but him..she pushed away. I regret that I may have "seemed" ungratefeul for their kindness during our financial struggle . But looking back I did get to finally "BE" with my son and "feel" like a parent instead of the lady that comes home and maybe gets to wash his face after a feeding. So often its at the price of others that we have to stand ground. I dont regret one bit being able to stand my ground on wanting that QUALITY time and its not wrong to ask for it. Its how its posed and how its received. I sincerely hope you get that Quality time..because you don't get it back...Take it when you can . Most familys' would understand , you deserve to bond. Glad they all want to share in the experience too!

[Daboo]

Thanks for the different views on things.

 

I would totally move out. The main problem is financial and work-related. I work a lot right now due to financial problems.

 

I have talked to my wife many times about this, but she just thinks I'm weird. She feels the baby should belong to the whole family, not just us. What irks me is when I am home, I'd almost have to do time-share with the in-laws it seems.

 

My wife's focus is now completely on the baby, and her family. When I'm home it's always family stuff this and that. We eat together, we take the baby to the hospital together, etc. I want time just for us, the 3 of us. But I guess to my wife, her focus is more on the baby and her parents. When we sit down to eat she just talks to them. Plus, staying at her home, her mom and sister-in-law can help out with the baby and other chores (like cooking, buying groceries, cleaning, etc.).

 

I'm just so frustrated. I've griped and tried to talk to my wife many times about this, but it doesn't seem to work. I feel like I'm talking to a pet fish. In one ear, out the other. I can totally pay for the rent if we moved closer to my office, and I would go home earlier every day just to see them. But I guess she feels good staying at home, so she's not really that receptive to my suggestions. She even told me she's fine living at their house until the kid is 10 years old...

 

So for the past few days I've been just staying at the office and sleeping here, telling her an excuse that I'm busy. Well their house is kinda far away (1 hour drive from the office). Thing is she doesn't seem to mind. I suppose that's good in that she gives me space. But on the otherhand...

 

I think this is probably all in my head... but I just cannot change how I feel. When I go home, I start to feel upset. There's no one to vent to. Wife doesn't really listen, and I have to keep quiet and put up this fake smile all the time since there's so many people in the house.

 

Btw, the in-laws are actually very nice. They don't take rent, and they pay for a lot of the baby's stuff. They're also very nice to me, so there are no complaints about them.

Edited July 17, 2010 by Daboo

[sb129]

I have a daughter about the same age as yours, and I would hate to live with my in laws, but we don't even have any family in our town, so we get no extra help support and sometimes H and I desperately need it.

 

We both work, and try and share childcare 50-50 (ish). My H is great with our daughter.

He has special Daddy only time when he takes her swimming. I sometimes tag along to take photos and then it becomes family time. He also gives her her bath most of the time.

Why don't you ask for something that is specifically "Daddy" time? You could suggest something like swimming, or even giving her a bath every day.

 

You could word it like this- tell your W that you would like to help out more with your daughter and want to do more to strengthen your bond with her. Don't make it sounds like you want to "exclude" her family, just make it sound like you want to "include" yourself more. Maybe you could suggest that on the weekend the three of you go out for dinner/ lunch/ to the park as a family.

 

I would also take advantage of the fact that you have extended family so handy to have date nights with your wife, then you will get time with her alone.

 

Good luck.

[Tayla]

Thanks for the different views on things.

 

I would totally move out. The main problem is financial and work-related. I work a lot right now due to financial problems.

 

I have talked to my wife many times about this, but she just thinks I'm weird. She feels the baby should belong to the whole family, not just us. What irks me is when I am home, I'd almost have to do time-share with the in-laws it seems.

 

My wife's focus is now completely on the baby, and her family. When I'm home it's always family stuff this and that. We eat together, we take the baby to the hospital together, etc. I want time just for us, the 3 of us. But I guess to my wife, her focus is more on the baby and her parents. When we sit down to eat she just talks to them. Plus, staying at her home, her mom and sister-in-law can help out with the baby and other chores (like cooking, buying groceries, cleaning, etc.).

 

I'm just so frustrated. I've griped and tried to talk to my wife many times about this, but it doesn't seem to work. I feel like I'm talking to a pet fish. In one ear, out the other. I can totally pay for the rent if we moved closer to my office, and I would go home earlier every day just to see them. But I guess she feels good staying at home, so she's not really that receptive to my suggestions. She even told me she's fine living at their house until the kid is 10 years old...

 

So for the past few days I've been just staying at the office and sleeping here, telling her an excuse that I'm busy. Well their house is kinda far away (1 hour drive from the office). Thing is she doesn't seem to mind. I suppose that's good in that she gives me space. But on the otherhand...

 

I think this is probably all in my head... but I just cannot change how I feel. When I go home, I start to feel upset. There's no one to vent to. Wife doesn't really listen, and I have to keep quiet and put up this fake smile all the time since there's so many people in the house.

 

Btw, the in-laws are actually very nice. They don't take rent, and they pay for a lot of the baby's stuff. They're also very nice to me, so there are no complaints about them.

 

Point one: In laws may well be *nice* but are they considerate of your quality time request with your child? ANd yes if they are *nice* they would then carry the ability to be understanding of your request.

Point two: Stop Talking to the wife, she isnt listening. Start actively retrieving your child when you get home and smilefully say...Its Daddy time! ANd then take those moments to share and bond. Sometimes you just gotta step up to the plate and DO.

Point three: As adults, all party's need to understand that as gracious as they are being, they could regard your desire to spend some time with your child one on one. ITs healthy and the Child does deserve to get to know you. And vice versa.

I get the sense that your wife is very spoiled in her mother role. Matter of fact if everyone is pitching in, she isnt getting the True joys of parenthood. Nor is she being a kind wife to not listen and regard your view point. This is based on what you portray here so I can only go off of what you wrote.

Point 4: Get a place of your own. Surely you have been stashing that money that would go to rent into savings. Establishing your own family homestead needs to be a goal. Get started in that direction.

[califnan]

Sounds like your inlaws are very loving and with long outstretching arms.. It blesses them to take the family in .. (beautiful) .. while still having time to play with the baby at the end of the day..

 

My husband looked forward to seeing his sons when he got home from work also .. and Understandably his Desert for the day..

 

How about setting a ritual that each day when you come home - you would take the baby out in the stroler for a walk .. Then you could stop wherever you would wish (a park?) - and play with her and have the father time that you deserve ..

 

She needs to get to know you .. then she will come to you, when you come arrive home..

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Sounds like the inlaws really love your daughter. I don't see anything wrong with that at all..but there should also be no reason for you to take your daughter out when you want to either. Since theres all this support at home..why doesnt your wife get a job to help you both get financially grounded?

[Allisha]

Seriously. You need to put your foot down about this. This will be an ongoing thing in your marriage if you let your wife dismiss you like this.

 

Sit her down and BE SERIOUS. And do not stop until she listens.

 

It's truly fantastic that your inlaws are so loving and supportive, but I don't really agree with this baby sharing thing your wife has going on in her head. (If the child is so shared, then why hasn't your wife got enough time to get a job, huh?). The parents are responsible for raising a child, not the grandparents. Seeing as it's your fun antics that created your baby, not theirs. Just make sure that when you talk to your wife that you make it CLEAR that you do not have a problem with her family as that could stir up a whole load of crap.

 

One of the problems here is the fact your wife stays at home with your daughter. She sees your daughter constantly and forgets you work all day long, therefore your available time is limited by default. Then everyone fusses over your baby, meaning you get even less time. She spends so much more time with your daughter than you do, and it makes you sad, and so you want more quality/alone time. If your wife would deny you this, then sorry, but you really need to look at your marriage.

 

You're a husband who wants to spend more time with his wife. You feel neglected and dislike the fact she doesn't care much about you spending more time at work. Sorry to be morbid, but there will come a time when her parents wont be here anymore, and it will just be you three (maybe more?). Then your wife will wake up one day and realise she's spent too much time including her parents in on everything, and not enough time concentrating on her marriage.

 

 

You're a dad who wants to spend more time with his baby, away from everyone else. There's no logical explanation needed.

 

TALK TO HER. AND DO NOT STOP UNTIL SHE GETS IT.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Allisha
it's late. loads of mistakes & forgot to say things =(

[Daboo]

Ok my wife has agreed to move out with me, after my complaining.

 

When I asked her how her parents feel about it, it appears they are not happy at all.

 

The reasons are pretty simple. One, they won't get to see their daughter as much. Second, they won't see their grand daughter much either. Third, they feel as if either they've done something to offend me, or that I just don't like being around them. After all, by living with them, we are saving money and everyone gets an easier life.

 

Logistically it appears my stance has plenty of holes, and it appears the only reason I want to move out is to satisfy my emotional needs, at the expense of the advantages I mentioned above.

 

So guilt is hitting me now. I feel I have to speak to my in-laws to help them understand my situation, that I really need to have my own family and we need to have our own lives.

 

My wife says it's better we move, since I've been complaining so much. She also is starting to feel that if this keeps up, she and I are going to have marital problems down the line.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Any feedback and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[BellaBellaBella]

I think you need to put some clear boundaries down. THIS IS YOUR CHILD. You need bonding time with your child. No one including your wife is respecting this.

 

Now your feeling guilty, is there a way to have the boundary and stay and be respected, as the FATHER of you child. The person who should have the right to enjoy the baby?

 

If not, then move and don't look back.

 

Bella

[DaisyLeigh]

Just tell them. If they don't like it, well, they can get over it. Also, maybe your wife needs to take a part time job, at least, to help out. Sometimes, you just cannot be a SAHM. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do to survive.

[KikiW]

At least she recognizes that your marriage is going to suffer unless a change is made - that is something you have in your favor. I got a BIG red flag pop up when you said you were sleeping at the office and she was fine with it.

 

It sounds like her family is used to more communal living and you are looking forward to being out on your own, with your new family, taking care of things as the "head of the household" - hard to do that when there's a different head of the household.

 

Yes, you are saving money, but if that were the reason to stay, you would never leave. I would strongly urge you to ease your in-laws' fears - make sure they know you appreciate all they have given you (a place to stay, help with the baby), but that you feel it's better to work on being independent. Assure them that they may technically see less of your wife and child, but you are not moving to another country, there will be plenty of visits.

[Daboo]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you guys feel the same. I was starting to feel like it's all my problem.

 

I haven't talked to them yet. I guess I'll have to find time to do it soon.

 

Now I also have to think about that day in the distant future when my precious little daughter grows up and decides to move away from me and go live with some guy.

[FanFan]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you guys feel the same. I was starting to feel like it's all my problem.

 

I haven't talked to them yet. I guess I'll have to find time to do it soon.

 

Now I also have to think about that day in the distant future when my precious little daughter grows up and decides to move away from me and go live with some guy.

 

Since your in-laws are so nice to you and your family, and not taking any rent for months, you owe it to them to sit down with them to tell them how much you appreciate their hospitality and kindness and really mean it. However, you explain to them that you need to have your own family.

[Daboo]

My wife tells me they are not happy about us moving because well, they also have a bond with the child, and enjoy the company of their daughter (they didn't mention this part, but I assume it).

 

So I'm getting the feeling they are not happy with me, because I'm taking away their grand child as well as their daughter. Also, my wife will have more burden in terms of responsibility (her mom won't be able to help take care of the kid since she wont' be living with us). I'm guessing they think I'm being a selfish and trying to take away their loved ones.

 

Btw, I did bring this topic up with the father-in-law, and he didn't express any of his feelings to me, so I didn't go into that area. He just said parents are there to support their kids, and grand kids.

Edited September 26, 2010 by Daboo