10 years of marriage and i'm in emotional Turmoil...

[Confused_in_canada]

Wow,

 

I just can't believe how much information is on this forum. It's amazing. What amazes me more is how many aspects of these different threads apply to my situation. I'm sure i'll get blasted from all sides here but, here goes.

 

Wife and I have been married for 10 years now, dated for 2.5 years prior. She was a virgin and wanted to wait for sex, which I amazingly respected, when we lived together for awhile we'd have sex and then after we got married we would have the same ol same ol sex and then we had kids and everything went to s*it. Years would go by and I could count the number of times we'd have sex in a year on one had. It seems she is trying to fix the sex part now by trying to do it more often but, I'm just not into it.

 

I need to know if I'm not into it because I was put on hold for so long and I'm just so mad or if I've fallen out of love with her. I will admit that I truly am the worst for communication, I let little things build until I have this big list and then it all comes out in a flood gate. Last night was one of those such nights, it was very heated and very emotional, at one point she asked me if I wanted to Quit. A huge part of me wanted to say yes but, like the usual p*ssy I am I said no. I must still have some shred of love for her if I'm willing to make it work. The trouble I'm having is that I can't find the love for her; I know I left it around here somewhere.

 

I'll admit that I was a closet on again off again chatter until this month when I realized the true pain of this habit. I met this woman who happened to live in my own town, she is married too and we chatted ALOT. Sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. Well just recently all of her crap just hit the fan and her life is in turmoil as her husband found out about the chatting and now wants a divorce. I feel for this woman and that's what bugs me I want to remain her friend but, not get close but, at the same time save my own marriage.

 

I work 5 days a week and she works 6 days a month. It bothers me that she doesn't do anything around the house. No gardening, dishes, garbage, recycling, vacuuming, only occasionaly does Laundry. I do a lot of that stuff when I get home including playing with my Children. I'm the one paying 85% of the bills around the house and she bothers me when I spend a little bit on myself...

 

I should also admit that she has put a lot of weight on and knows that it is a problem but does nothing about it. Well I shouldn't say nothing she bought a $1000 treadmill that she never uses... I've tried getting her out for walks but, she won't come so I just take the kids and we go for walks.

 

I guess my real question here is: What's wrong with me? How do i get the love for my Wife back? How do I get the attraction back after she's shunned me for so long and put on so much weight???????

 

Thanks

Ev

Edited July 14, 2010 by Confused_in_canada

[Married_and_Lonely]

What's wrong with me?

 

The frustration is evident. You waited too long to try to put your marriage back on course and now it's likely too late. Instead of seeking your wife's arms for comfort, you had an emotional affair that I'm not sure you regret.

 

 

How do i get the love for my Wife back?

 

I don't sense alot of respect for her, and until you can respect her it's unlikely you'll be able to love her or be attracted to her.

 

 

How do I get the attraction back after she's shunned me for so long and put on so much weight?

 

Sex is a product of a loving marriage, and until you love your wife it's unreasonable to expect a decent sex life. You felt rejected so long that you probably are resentful now and don't want to give her the satisfaction of giving you duty sex and getting to start over the "last time we had sex" timer.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know if you can get the love and attraction back or not, though I'd suggest that love is more of a choice than a feeling. Since you want to save your marriage, I'd start working very hard on two things: leadership and communication.

 

Take your relationship role seriously and really think about what you want for your relationship and then set the tone and take the lead. Quit sleep walking your way through the marriage. Quit forcing your wife to set the tone and quit whining like a victim when you don’t get what you want but probably never asked for.

 

Step up and make the rules – make it clear what you expect. Lovingly and powerfully make it clear that you expect both yourself and your wife to be honest, available, well-behaved, mature, passionate, responsible, communicative, and affectionate. It sounds like you avoid conflict with your wife, and if so it all stems from fear of your wife's reaction. Screw fear. You can't control how she reacts. Either she'll work with you or she won't. Either way your path is clear.

 

Ask yourself whether you'll keep whining, complaining, withdrawing, and acting passive-aggressively when your marriage doesn't turn out like you want, or are you going to take some responsibility and do something proactive about it?

 

Sit down and think about what your vision for your marriage looks like. Then share this vision with your wife and invite her to follow you in moving in that direction.

 

But it isn’t going to happen unless you develop some integrity, speak up, and provide some loving leadership. Don’t expect your partner to do your job or figure out what you want. It’s not her job, it’s yours.

[Married_and_Lonely]

GorillaTheater - Thanks for the peptalk; I needed that too.

[GorillaTheater]

In the interest of full disclosure, I've been guilty of alot of this crap. The conflict avoidance, the passivity, the passive-agressiveness, the non-communication. We were married young, I was 21 and she was 19. Nobody gets a manual on how to do marriage, and I've had to learn as I go for the past 26 years. And I have to keep working on everything I mentioned above every damn day.

 

This sh*t ain't easy, man. There are not that many ways to do it right but countless ways to screw it up.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You'll get lots advice here, and it can be very helpful in improving your marriage. Keep in mind that without a doubt, you have the ability to make great improvements in your marriage. There are many ways to do this.

 

A great guide for the sexual issues is a book called "The Sex Starved Marriage," by Michelle Weiner-Davis. It's a fabulous book for high libido and low libido spouses alike. It gives great advice and insight in marital sex and finding a way back to enjoying it regularly as a couple. My perception from the brief glimpse of what you wrote above is that you are resentful and want to show that to her via your lack of interest.

 

When you were heated and wanting to say to your wife you were ready to quit, but decided to say no - that was a very wise move. I would be willing to bet my dimes against your dollars your wife's self esteem is EXTREMELY low right now. Agreeing that you are ready to quit, whether you feel like you are or not, would be a devastating blow to her security.

 

You are also needing to be put in your place for your online chatting... you have to know it is not good in any way shape or form for your marriage. I could go on and on about it, but I'll just leave it at this: If your wife was online chatting with men into the wee hours, and wanting to meet them, etc, etc, how would you feel about it?

 

As far as helping around the house, working, contributing financially, those things work themselves out when you fix the other things in your marriage. Your resentment only fuels those feelings. Perhaps you are preparing all the reasons why you should be justified in leaving?

 

You need to work on supporting and loving her and providing a secure spot for her to air out what's going on in her mind... We all know there are two sides to every story. Once you being to respect, love and care for her again, and she feels good about her marriage, I bet she will come around herself as far as looking better and becoming healthier for you and the kids.

 

This stuff is not rocket science, but the problem is we all get so wrapped up because of everything we have invested. It's human nature to wonder if we would be better off elsewhere. Trust me, you will do nothing but causing yourself, and your kids pain and sorrow if you leave.

 

Build up her security and then work on the relationship. Promise to stick with her and be faithful (even emotionally) no matter what. With hard work, patience and commitment, the rest should fall into place.

[Enchanted Girl]

I disagree with vestigalvirgin. I'm pretty sure marriage fixing doesn't involve insulting people.

 

I think your marriage has more hope than you think it does. First of all, the fact that she's trying to have more sex with you and that you are trying to stop talking to this woman online shows that you both haven't given up yet, which is a good sign.

 

Secondly, the fact that you hate her weight and can't have sex with her is definitely related to all the resentment you hold towards her. You'd probably have more of a sex drive and feel more attracted to her, even if she didn't lose any weight if you worked on your resentment some. Because all people get older. I'm sure you're older and fatter and wrinklier than you were at the beginning of your marriage to her. Most people don't get hotter, they get uglier as time passes, but that doesn't mean love and sex has to die or attraction either. It's the resentment probably that's making you notice her physical flaws.

 

Now, it's good to communicate and I agree that you should do that, but there's things you need to keep in mind.

 

How does she feel about all this? How is she feeling right now in the marriage? I know it's hard, but it's pretty much impossible for two people to get through a fight unless they are both thinking of the other person and how that other person feels. I know you are in tune with how you feel, but do you understand why she's behaving in these ways or how she's feeling let down as well? Because when one person is unhappy in a marriage, both people are with rare exceptions. She's miserable, too, and if you guys want to work it out, you need to think of each other. And I'm not talking about holding in your feelings and being quiet when she talks, I'm talking about really LISTENING to what she says.

 

Also, you need to start making lists of all the things you like about her and why you married her. You are completely focused on her faults. All of us are horrible to be married to. We are all annoying in various ways and bad people, but a lot of happiness in marriage is what you choose to put your focus on.

 

You're holding on to all this anger and you need to learn how to forgive people as well. Yes, she's screwed up in various ways and she's annoying, but hating her for those things evaporates all the love you feel for her.

 

I know everyone is telling you to try to change your wife, but from my experience, that's not usually how I see people fix their relationships. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

 

That doesn't mean I think you shouldn't talk to her about how you're feeling and try to change some things in your marriage if you can. You definitely should, but usually marriage involves compromise and forgiveness, so even if she does change, you're probably not going to get everything that you want out of it. See how much of it you can handle and forgive.

 

Relationships can be very rewarding, but they also test our characters constantly.

[Confused_in_canada]

Update:

 

Well I first off want to thank everybody for their comments and suggestions. Both of us are now on holidays for 2 weeks and this will be a real test to see if she was listening, to see if she wants to make this work or if it's all just a fancy facade.

 

2 days after our big talk and she hasn't changed any of her habits. I'm hoping that this changes but, unfortunately i don't hold much hope.

 

I do agree that I resent her but, I resent her because she put me on hold so long, that she doesn't help around the house, etc.... I have too much resentment. I can't find anything, anything positive at this point.

 

I'll update in 2 weeks time and appreciate all the valuable input!

 

_ev

[tattoo]

I am interested in your post. Because I am the wife that "does it all" and get no appreciation for it.

 

Granted, I am an idiot that is in the middle of my own mess... EA to feed my stupid insecurities of feeling unloved and underappreciated. But that's a whole other ball of wax. I am not proud in how I've dealt with my own failing marriage so far. That's why I've also joined here.... and it helps and hurts to read different opinions and thoughts, but I do think that I am gaining a lot of perspective, and will come out better in the end.

 

If your wife "did it all", would this change how you feel inside about her and your marriage? It seems like sex was your starting issue... and then this has now built into resentment of everything else: the housework, the laundry, etc.

 

May I ask why you didn't have sex many times over the years? Did you attempt to romance her, and then you were shrugged off or rejected? Or did you expect her to come onto you and she never did.

 

You have said you're not such a great communicator.... so what is it that you are looking for from your wife? Does she know? What have you done to show her you are happy with her as a person?

 

She may not be perfect (looks, weight, housechores) but what about her is it that you were most drawn to? And have you nurtured that, or attempted to, over the years, but were met with nothing in return?

 

I am curious because I have tried to be the "perfect" wife, and my husband does not communicate well, and does not tell me when/if he is happy... and it becomes hard to continue "trying" in that relationship when I feel insecure that I meet his needs at all.

 

Maybe your wife feels like you are completely dissatisfied with her, and as such she has stopped trying with the housework, physical care... she may feel why bother if you don't like her anyway.

 

Maybe she has sexual issues, and she feels unable to talk to you about it? Do you work hard to pleasure her when you are having sex with her?

 

Just putting things out there.... I think we all deal with things differently. I have stupidly chosen to "deal with" w/feeling unloved by filling my needs through EA, as all other things failed (maintained looks, physically fit, clean house, all cooking, care for kids, had lots of sex, etc).... perhaps your wife's way of dealing with things is by "giving up" on trying for you.

 

She probably really wants to make it work.

Edited July 19, 2010 by tattoo

[Confused_in_canada]

Hey Tattoo,

 

Thanks for adding to this thread. Well I don't know what to say. I feel further from my Wife than I ever have in our entire knowing life and it's driving me to the point where I will be having a conversation with her shortly about it.

 

When we first me she was an amazing woman, a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders. I stayed by her, supported her through her schooling, sh*tty job and countless lousy friends. Now I feel like i'm the one on the sidelines. She has the Good job and decent income , though I wish she was bringing in more money but that's beside the point.

What bothers me is she has nobody aside from co-workers as friends. No lifelong friends, nobody outside of family and work for her to lean back on or go out with. So that bothers me and i've talked to her about it and she for whatever reason is happy that way, whatever.

 

I was drawn to her originally because she made me laugh and we had the same thoughts and desires. We didn't have sex often when we first started dating as we found out through trial and error that she had an allergy to certain Latex's so once we figured that out we were off to the races but, not at a decent pace. Still slowed by whatever reasons, I just figured she was still nervous.

 

When a guy get's shutdown after trying his ass off to apreciate, honour and look after his woman his desire for this woman go down. And what sucks even more is that the grotesque amount of weight she has put on has just totally made it extremely hard for me to look at her. I know that sounds vain, cruel and wrong but, it's just a huge turn off for me to see her like this. She keeps claiming to do something about it but, in turn goes the other way and puts more on.

 

What frustrates me even more is that we just went on a week long holiday and I had more love and fun with my kids then I did my Wife. I felt like she was there but, more as a friend then a lover/Wife. I felt terrible. What made it even worse is that we visited family from both sides of our lives and I just didn't feel like being there. It felt awkward being around family that was related to us.

 

So where am I know, Even more deeply confused. And I too am filling the void with an "EA" I almost wonder if it's the right thing to do. I'm just so bummed and having somebody that feels the same way I do is some what of a comfort.

 

How do i fix real life? I wish I had an answer. As time goes on I will update this thread but, for now the outlook is grim....

 

I'm off my rant, box now.

Thanks for reading

Ev

[Confused_in_canada]

Sorry Tattoo Tried to answer your questions a little more concisely here:

 

If my wife was a "did it all" type of woman it would change how I appreciate

her. But when you come home to things that haven't been done that could

have so easily have been done it's very very frustrating.

 

I am working on my communication and she understands that it is a slow process for me

 

I've even tried little date nights and evenings out with the kids only to be

half sidelined as she is more concerned about getting home to the kids

than seriously spending time with me. Granted i'm partly like that but, I am

very quickly realizing that this should be a more important thing in our marriage.

 

 

When we have sex I've never worked so hard in my life, I make sure that she has as much fun out of it as I do and that we enjoy it together as a Married couple. I always make sure I communicate well when it comes to that aspect...

 

I know she wants to make it work, I just don't know if i do.....

[jenifer1972]

I think over the years the two of you have gotten into a circular pattern of disappointing each other, and then distancing, and now you are in what is called "an emotional divorce".

I don't know how you act to her, but it sounds like she has just stopped all the common courtesies and decencies that are part of what people have to have between them to sustain any kind of romantic feelings and love for each other. You just can't love someone who makes you feel bad about yourself or who is constantly rejecting or apathetic.

 

You are essentially, unfortunately, starting at lower than zero to build back up because of all the negative stuff to wade through. I doubt you will be able to sort this out without at least a crack at MC. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel after that, nor any sign of change, then make some decisions.

 

Don't get sidetracked by an EA. It simply muddies already murky waters and solves nothing.

[tattoo]

Hi Confused

 

Wow. I don't know you at all, but what I do get is that you are really unhappy. I know you are in a bad place. But from a wife's perspective, you have GOT to tell her your concerns about sex, weight gain, housework, etc.

 

I agree that she is probably also deeply unhappy, and maybe it can't be saved... but you need to tell her. She might just be waiting for you to talk to her.

 

I am SO sorry because I can relate to how frustrating it is to feel you are putting yourself out there and you don't get much in return. I have often wondered if maybe my H and I met too young, and I didn't yet realize exactly what my emotional needs were. At the time, I did everything for him, and now that I am older, I am discovering that I have other interests. I have talked at length with H, and it does seem we are very different people now than we were when we first dated... but I still have hopes that we can make it work. The man I fell in love with is still there somewhere... I just need to find him within me. I think you can also find it again with your wife, but you have to tell her what is important to you (and it seems like you appreciate physical attractiveness?)

 

And with regards to the EA... It IS messy, I am ashamed to think I revisited that before settling my issues on the homefront first.

 

I have no words of wisdom, C_i_C, but know that I am here wearing your other shoe.

[Confused_in_canada]

I have confronted her numerous times about her weight gain and she always falls back to some ill like she's not feeling well, or too tired, or her foot hurts or back hurts. All excuses for not wanting to lose weight. I honestly and truly have mentioned to her that all of her ailments have some sort of fix and that her weight could be cured by so many things.

 

I even suggested that I pay for Jenny Craig or a gym for women, to no avail. And yes I have always approached it lightly. Not like Honey your fat you should get thin so i'll love you again.

It didn't bother me so much in the past but, over the last few months it's just not appealing.

 

We had a good talk a week ago and got a lot out into the open and I was gonna have another talk with her tonight but, She's PMS'ing and not feeling well and I know how those convos go with her. Plus our Son's Birthday is in 2 weeks. So I think before I stir the emotional Sh*t storm anymore I'll be a good Husband and wait until after that...

 

As for the EA I'm not sure what to think on this one She and I had an awesome talk about a lot of things today and thinks that perhaps I can fix my Marriage but, I just think I've been waiting too long and being that I'm used to waiting , that i'm already on the bus....

 

Uggh why is life so messy.....

Someday it will become clear

 

Thanks to everyone so far on this and I will update as my life goes on....

[Confused_in_canada]

**UPDATE**

 

So Wife and I had a huge fight that even the neighbors heard.

I wasn't happy about that but, it was the only way we could keep the kids from hearing it.

 

I laid it all ... Told her I didn't love her anymore that all of the years of excuses, and lack of sex drive had driven me away and that I resented her. Told her that if she didn't start helping around the house that I'd leave. Told her I wasn't sure if I really wanted to stay anymore. We fought about other things and basically spent 7 hours dishing it back and forth. She never thought it was this bad, she new it bugged me but, never thought i'd really leave. I really didn't feel good telling her everything, I thought that I would feel better but, truth be told I felt worse. However, I had to let her know I couldn't go on feeling this way, just sitting idly by waiting for things to change.

 

So We told our parents that we were having problems and they both told us that they would support us in whatever happens which is good and we have both agreed that if we split that neither of us would keep the kids from the other which is good.

 

So where are we at:

Wife -- is actually starting to do things, and help out more around the house, and is trying to get back in shape. She's also offered to go to Marriage counseling which I had to organize but, i have agreed to go.

So we will see where that goes.

 

Me -- I'm still not fully convinced she's turned over a new leaf. I agree that it sounds mean after the feelings I've told her about. But, I know her; she finds out what i want done and does it for a few months and then reverts back to her old ways. Maybe the Marriage counselor will find a solution or have some more insight.

 

I'm just taking baby steps for now and trying to see if I can make it work. I'm trying to be supportive but, she finds me cold and obtuse these days. Maybe it's because i've decided to sleep in another room for a little while until I feel like I should be back in our bed. I guess I'm just a little gun shy after so many years of sitting idly by her side being more of a roommate then a Husband...

 

Stay tuned as the story unfolds....

[GorillaTheater]

Please don't misunderstand me, because I'm not giving your wife a pass at all and I know that you're in a tough situation, but this is also a great time to look at yourself and figure out if there's anything about yourself that you need to change. MC can help with that too.

 

In my first post to you, I think I came on a little strong. But here's the deal: if anything I said stung a little, that may be a good place to start looking.

[Confused_in_canada]

I agree there are a few things that I need to work on, like communication and being a little more stern with the kids. (Wife has always been the heavy) I've been actually considering just taking a time out to myself as well, away from home for a few days to reconnect with me...

 

I just thought I'd keep this thread alive and updated as my life unfolds...

 

Thanks for all the input and reading....

[mem11363]

This is all good and part of it is nicely, firmly - yes firmly - calmly - DEMANDING that she do a fair share of work in the marriage. If she hates house work she can do her "job" more days a month and pay for a cleaning lady. But letting her put an unfair burden of housework on you when your job workloads are so different - that has to change. And if she WON'T change that, she doesn't respect you. And if you cannot earn/command her respect you have nothing.

 

I feel the same is true for going on walks - saying NO to a family walk shows a lack of respect for you and the kids.

 

I don't know if you can get the love and attraction back or not, though I'd suggest that love is more of a choice than a feeling. Since you want to save your marriage, I'd start working very hard on two things: leadership and communication.

 

Take your relationship role seriously and really think about what you want for your relationship and then set the tone and take the lead. Quit sleep walking your way through the marriage. Quit forcing your wife to set the tone and quit whining like a victim when you don’t get what you want but probably never asked for.

 

Step up and make the rules – make it clear what you expect. Lovingly and powerfully make it clear that you expect both yourself and your wife to be honest, available, well-behaved, mature, passionate, responsible, communicative, and affectionate. It sounds like you avoid conflict with your wife, and if so it all stems from fear of your wife's reaction. Screw fear. You can't control how she reacts. Either she'll work with you or she won't. Either way your path is clear.

 

Ask yourself whether you'll keep whining, complaining, withdrawing, and acting passive-aggressively when your marriage doesn't turn out like you want, or are you going to take some responsibility and do something proactive about it?

 

Sit down and think about what your vision for your marriage looks like. Then share this vision with your wife and invite her to follow you in moving in that direction.

 

But it isn’t going to happen unless you develop some integrity, speak up, and provide some loving leadership. Don’t expect your partner to do your job or figure out what you want. It’s not her job, it’s yours.

[Enema]

We fought about other things and basically spent 7 hours dishing it back and forth.

 

What did she dish at you?

 

Been fairly one way traffic so far directed at her in this thread.

 

Can you objectively just repeat for us what she said about your problems?

[kuma]

**UPDATE**

 

So Wife and I had a huge fight that even the neighbors heard.

I wasn't happy about that but, it was the only way we could keep the kids from hearing it.

 

I laid it all ... Told her I didn't love her anymore that all of the years of excuses, and lack of sex drive had driven me away and that I resented her. Told her that if she didn't start helping around the house that I'd leave. Told her I wasn't sure if I really wanted to stay anymore. We fought about other things and basically spent 7 hours dishing it back and forth. She never thought it was this bad, she new it bugged me but, never thought i'd really leave. I really didn't feel good telling her everything, I thought that I would feel better but, truth be told I felt worse. However, I had to let her know I couldn't go on feeling this way, just sitting idly by waiting for things to change.

 

So We told our parents that we were having problems and they both told us that they would support us in whatever happens which is good and we have both agreed that if we split that neither of us would keep the kids from the other which is good.

 

So where are we at:

Wife -- is actually starting to do things, and help out more around the house, and is trying to get back in shape. She's also offered to go to Marriage counseling which I had to organize but, i have agreed to go.

So we will see where that goes.

 

Me -- I'm still not fully convinced she's turned over a new leaf. I agree that it sounds mean after the feelings I've told her about. But, I know her; she finds out what i want done and does it for a few months and then reverts back to her old ways. Maybe the Marriage counselor will find a solution or have some more insight.

 

I'm just taking baby steps for now and trying to see if I can make it work. I'm trying to be supportive but, she finds me cold and obtuse these days. Maybe it's because i've decided to sleep in another room for a little while until I feel like I should be back in our bed. I guess I'm just a little gun shy after so many years of sitting idly by her side being more of a roommate then a Husband...

 

Stay tuned as the story unfolds....

 

Google "flylady". Your wife might be interested. Just a thought.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Make sure you are looking for an improvement in the marriage. Quit looking for her to make minor or short term changes and go back to her old ways. That is human nature, it's bound to occur somewhat! It will take lots of hard work and determination to make permanent changes, on both her AND your part.

 

Look at this as your only intimate relationship. Make sure contact with the other woman is eliminated (or at least greatly reduced).

 

Sleeping in another room? Getting away to re-connect with yourself? I'll be the white elephant in the room here and say that there is little positive for your marriage coming out of either of those moves. Making this whole situation tougher on your wife and easier for you to spend time with the OW...

 

This whole deal is not your wife's job to fix as you sit back and watch. If you don't make changes and improvements in yourself and work on it, the two of you will fail. Notice I said that the two of you will fail as a team, not her and not you individually, the individual is not what counts here, it's the entire family unit and the two of you as a couple.

[2sunny]

what responsibility do you take for the breakdown of YOUR marriage?

 

do you see how all that "chatting" takes your time and emotional connection/energy away from the marriage?

 

how could you possibly feel close to your wife if YOU spend all that energy chatting up other "pretend" women online?

 

how is that fair to your wife? it is a form of cheating, ya know?

 

are you also willing to completely change? as you have asked your wife to change - so should you also be willing to do your part...

 

what are YOU willing to do/not do to make this marriage work?

 

if YOU are not willing to change - nothing will change.

[Confused_in_canada]

I never wanted to go into chatrooms and this whole experience has certainly kept me out of them for good. There isn't a whole lot that she bashed me for, honestly, she bashed me for keeping it all in, truly my fault!

She bashed me for not putting the remote of all things in the same place all the time, ok I can do that.

She bashed me for trying to take the "easy" exit in this; easy? This isn't easy, I just don't see it getting better, and I don't see her changing permanently.

 

Why was in those chatrooms and talking to other women? Simply because I was getting denied in the bedroom or always came to bed to a snoring Wife. And when she was awoke she asked me to leave her alone...

 

Many years of that causes a guy to feel like he is unimportant and not really a part of her life. When we first lived together we'd go to bed together and always say goodnight to each other. As time went on that faded and she stopped doing it. I did for awhile until I got tired of the silence...

 

I just don't know if I can build myself up for another fall. Will she change permanently? Can I accept her faults, Depression, lack of energy etc...

 

sorry one of the questions I didn't answer what am I willing to do? I can't think of anything more "to do" I'm already doing as many things as I can to prevent this or thought I was. I've returned to the bed but, don't feel that there is much there to salvage as she is always dead asleep by the time I get there.

 

I hate to think that this is the end but, I think maybe it's the latter...

 

I'm honestly and truly interested in seeing what the MC Reveals???

[2sunny]

I never wanted to go into chatrooms and this whole experience has certainly kept me out of them for good. There isn't a whole lot that she bashed me for, honestly, she bashed me for keeping it all in, truly my fault!

She bashed me for not putting the remote of all things in the same place all the time, ok I can do that.

She bashed me for trying to take the "easy" exit in this; easy? This isn't easy, I just don't see it getting better, and I don't see her changing permanently.

 

Why was in those chatrooms and talking to other women? Simply because I was getting denied in the bedroom or always came to bed to a snoring Wife. And when she was awoke she asked me to leave her alone...

 

Many years of that causes a guy to feel like he is unimportant and not really a part of her life. When we first lived together we'd go to bed together and always say goodnight to each other. As time went on that faded and she stopped doing it. I did for awhile until I got tired of the silence...

 

I just don't know if I can build myself up for another fall. Will she change permanently? Can I accept her faults, Depression, lack of energy etc...

 

sorry one of the questions I didn't answer what am I willing to do? I can't think of anything more "to do" I'm already doing as many things as I can to prevent this or thought I was. I've returned to the bed but, don't feel that there is much there to salvage as she is always dead asleep by the time I get there.

 

I hate to think that this is the end but, I think maybe it's the latter...

 

I'm honestly and truly interested in seeing what the MC Reveals???

 

those are silly complaints... what really is at the heart of the matter is that you are disconnected from each other on a multitude of levels. physically, mentally and emotionally.

 

what exactly can you be doing (actions) to get reconnected to your W? always thinking of ways to stay connected to her and thinking of yourself secondary... what are you going to do to accomplish that?

[Confused_in_canada]

It's hard to stay connected on any levels as it seems the only things she really wants to do as a family is watch TV. I've suggested outings, walks, bike rides, beaches, parks etc but, all get turned down.

Tried outings with just the 2 of us and she's like save your money we can just stay at home... I'm sorry but, that doesn't cut it. Too many of those type excuses makes a guy not want to try and keep it connected.

 

I will admit she hasn't had it easy, failed college a year, that put her life on hold, failed her first job that put it off another year. Years of a crappy job, hard to stay happy there. Decides to go back to school to fight for a better job, only in the last 4 months has she been happy with her life. Working that is. And where have i been? Right here the whole time, keeping it all together, roof over the house, clothes on the kids, feeling more like a room mate than a husband. I'll agree that she works long hours and is tired quite a bit but, I'm always the last one to bed and first one up and do you see me bitching about being tired? Coffee and eye drops are my friends!!!

 

If people from the outside, complete outside the family can see it crumbling, what chance do I have.... I'll work as hard as i can but, i've only got 2 hands....and not much of a heart left.