Putting Dad in the backseat...

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Again, please remember that "affair" covers a lot of ground. It doesn't mean she's currently involved in a thrice weekly rendezvous with a stud muffin at the local hot sheet motel.

 

It COULD mean that at some point in your marriage or courtship---maybe years ago--she believes she "fell in love" with someone else, and has never let go of that in her mind. Maybe she had a brief physical fling with someone when you were working late or out of town, continued an EA by internet, was dumped by him, and is "pining away" for him.

 

I agree with the above wholeheartedly... even without a PA, an EA, or an encounter with an individual that did not include any physical sexual contact can leave a woman longing for something different than her mate of many years. I think that the majority of "oh so typical 'walk-away' wives," have more than just visions and fantasies of being free of their husbands. These wives often have a dream of finding someone who meets their needs in such ways as to fill all of the imperfections, the cracks and crevices (and the gaping holes too). The new partner will somehow fix all the deficiencies that are causing many of the problems and issues in their current relationship... well guess what! After the euphoria of the all new relationship wears off... all that's left is the same old person with the same deficiencies and a different partner.

 

Again, even if nothing physical has or ever will happen while she is married, the EA and or desire for something different, I FIRMLY believe it is a powerful force, and it is there more than most women are willing to admit.

 

Men are highly sexual? Women are much more emotional and sexual then men in my opinion. They fantasize about deep relationships and connection. They love to be the focal point of the room, of the town, even of the world. Such a huge part of the female's self worth is based on their desirability. Males can always fall back on their success and accomplishments and perhaps even just their ability to support and raise their families... This world begins and ends with the feminine. Sexually and even non-sexually, the woman holds much power and they know it.

 

In any case she is obviously hiding something very big from you.

 

I would seriously suggest you just confront her with the accusation, bluff the hell out of her: "I know you've been cheating on me. I'm not going to tell you how I know, because I won't reveal my sources to you for obvious reasons. However I want to save our marriage, so I will give you this one chance, and one chance only, to give me complete disclosure and tell me the entire truth. If you tell me the entire truth then we can start to move forward. If you lie to me now or I find out that you've lied later on, it will mean an immediate divorce."

 

Oh yeah baby. This little speech is guaranteed to shake some very interesting fruit from your wife's tree.

 

Give it a try, the worse she can do is freak out on you.

 

I was going to say I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THE ABOVE. But after thinking it through, if I were willing to take the risk, I would just use a different approach...

 

Not 100% sure of the exact game plan, but no "I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME." Perhaps simply, modifying the first line:

 

“I know you are no longer 100% mine...I'm not going to tell you how I know, because I won't reveal my sources to you for obvious reasons. However I want to save our marriage, so I will give you this one chance, and one chance only, to give me complete disclosure and tell me the entire truth. If you tell me the entire truth then we can start to move forward. If you lie to me now or I find out that you've lied later on, it will mean an immediate divorce."

 

By saying “I know you are no longer 100% mine” that would cover an EA, or even just the desire to meet someone new and/or different… and really, if she’s not being sexually intimate with you, then is she any longer 100% yours (as a spouse that is)?

 

Obviously you could use any variation of the above. I bet it would yield some unknown truths that would help to begin to put the pieces together.

Edited July 19, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[giotto]

if you are going to MC together, just wait and see what happens... don't rock the boat now...

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

if you are going to MC together, just wait and see what happens... don't rock the boat now...

 

Or better yet, you could ask the same q in counseling. Just wait several sessions before going there. The first thing to establish in counseling is how deeply commited (or not commited, as the case may be) you are your spouse are before you go anywhere too risky.

Edited July 19, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Married_and_Lonely]

Or better yet' date=' you could ask the same q in counseling. Just wait several sessions before going there. The first thing to establish in counseling is how deeply commited (or not commited, as the case may be) you are your spouse are before you go anywhere too risky.[/quote']

 

I shouldn't be too picky I suppose since it feels like an achievement just to get her to agree to go, but I'm a little cautiously optimistic about how effective it'll be. She doesn't want to go to any sessions alone even though I thought that would help her open up to the counselor about any feelings she's hiding from me for whatever reason.

 

But she doesn't like the idea of us going alone and "keeping secrets" from one another. I was trying to sell her on the whole "you can say anything to the counselor and it's a safe place.. she won't share it with me unless you want her to." But that just made her upset that I've probably been telling the counselor stuff that I don't want her to know.

 

She wanted to know what I've told the counselor so far because she was worried that I've been talking bad about her, even though it's a stranger that doesn't know her. I wish she didn't worry so much about what other people think. She's always asking me, "you haven't told anyone at work about this have you?" But hey, at least she appears ready to go to the counseling.. maybe the counselor can then convince her to trust the process.