Never seems to be the one I like

[spiderowl]

HI folks,

 

I'm looking for new perspectives here. I'm feeling jaded and hopeless about dating and I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong.

 

I do meet quite a few lovely guys socially but they always seem to be attached. It's rare for me to meet a man I'm genuinely attracted to and it's even rarer for me to meet one who I feel I could really fall for. However, I don't seem to have problems attracting those I'm not remotely interested in.

 

An attractive, genuinely nice guy started pursuing me recently and, from a looks point of view, he was definitely of interest but when we got talking I realised we were poles apart intellectually. I knew it would never work if I had to make allowances all the time for his level of understanding, so I had to put him off.

 

I was seeing someone else on and off for a few months but that didn't work out either as the magic feeling wasn't there and there were things that bothered me that just impinged more and more. I was just never attracted to his personal scent.

 

It seems as if all my life I've had crushes on guys and they have never been the ones who are interested in me. Well, not completely true - if an attractive guy did show interest, then I'd put him off. This is because I felt he had so much choice he couldn't possibly be interested in me for anything other than scoring. I suppose I still do believe that at some level.

 

I know this is a common problem but I'm fed up of feeling that only the guys with problems or defects (socially inept, lacking intelligence, clingy, or with personal hygiene problems) are sufficiently interested in me to pursue me. I'm not fantastic looking but men do seem attracted, it's just that all the good ones are taken. I know it's a cliché but it's beginning to seem true.

 

Am I missing something here? I've tried dating men I don't find particularly physically attractive but who I like as people in the hope that love will develop, but it doesn't work. I don't feel more attracted and eventually I feel 'yuk' about the situation. It's not fair on them either as I know if I met someone who I felt that strong attraction for, I would be tempted.

 

It seems such an obvious thing to ask but why can't I meet that special one who feels the same way about me? I really want to feel attracted to a man for a change and have it reciprocated.

[neowulf]

Something to read on and reflect.

 

http://open.salon.com/blog/big_fat_trauma_queen/2010/01/24/online_dating_turned_me_into_a_shallow_superficial_jerk

 

The reason I brought up the above link is simply.. it's easy to overlook your own expectations about what your "Partner" should bring to the table.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting that you date a man you feel nothing for.. but I am suggesting that you look inwards, make some lists and really *think* about who your ideal partner would be.

 

Look at that list and be honest with yourself about what you really *need* and what are just nice to have.

 

You can demand all you want from men and the world, then become frustrated when it refuses to provide.

 

Yet in the end, every expectation you place on your "ideal partner" is one more expectation a person potentially fails to meet.

 

Like the rolling stones once said.. You can't always get what you want, but sometimes if you try, you get what you need.

[spiderowl]

Thanks Neowulf, I read the article and I see what you mean. I have indeed done exactly what you said. This is partly why I dated men who I didn't initially find physically attractive. They had other qualities I liked and which were important to me. Some even wanted a serious, long-term relationship with me. Unfortunately, despite everything, I found the lack of physical attraction made me feel critical of them. Little things bothered me and I wanted to point them out, but I didn't. The reason being that fundamentally the problem was I couldn't fall in love with them because of a physical repulsion. It wasn't that they were phenomenally ugly or anything, but their natural scent wasn't right or the way they looked didn't appeal greatly. I couldn't overcome it and I did try! So I'm back to square one. I was trying not to be superficial but natural instincts got in the way.

 

Am I doomed to be alone now?

[Woggle]

Deep down you want to be single and you are subconciously sabotaging yourself.

[thepaintedword]

Meh i think your just picky and your standards are high, maybe you should just be patient and wait for the right thing. But I understand it's frustrating to try and find someone you really connect with and are physically attracted to as well. There's a good chance your being a little bit too critical of your partners but at the same time you can't stop how you feel, if your not into it it won't work

 

maybe you just need to find a good middle ground, a guy who pretty much looks fine and is willing to change his hygene patterns

[neowulf]

Thanks Neowulf, I read the article and I see what you mean. I have indeed done exactly what you said. This is partly why I dated men who I didn't initially find physically attractive. They had other qualities I liked and which were important to me. Some even wanted a serious, long-term relationship with me. Unfortunately, despite everything, I found the lack of physical attraction made me feel critical of them. Little things bothered me and I wanted to point them out, but I didn't. The reason being that fundamentally the problem was I couldn't fall in love with them because of a physical repulsion. It wasn't that they were phenomenally ugly or anything, but their natural scent wasn't right or the way they looked didn't appeal greatly. I couldn't overcome it and I did try! So I'm back to square one. I was trying not to be superficial but natural instincts got in the way.

 

Am I doomed to be alone now?

 

Do you mind if I ask how many serious relationships you've actually had?

 

How many dates a month would you say you go out on?

[Els]

Well, not completely true - if an attractive guy did show interest, then I'd put him off. This is because I felt he had so much choice he couldn't possibly be interested in me for anything other than scoring. I suppose I still do believe that at some level.

 

I think this is your answer right here?

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your contributions, they are giving me lots to think about.

 

Sorry Neowulf, I've only just come back to the posting and seen your question. I've been on very few dates over the past year, one in fact and that turned into a serious relationship for a while but is now over.

 

I don't get asked out much except online. In real life, men suggest events that are coming up and ask me if I'm going to them. I don't know whether they are just telling me about an event or if there's more to it than that. I feel that there are some who are interested but I've kept them at a friends distance because I know I'm either not physically attracted or they are not the right person for more. Physical attraction obviously matters but it's often other factors like they'd be too controlling for me or their lifestyle and goals are incompatible with mine. The most common reason is they talk about what matters to them and don't really listen to me. I end up in this listening role and feeling turned off very quickly.

 

I find it really hard giving 'come on' signals to a man because it's hard to tell if they are just being friendly or not. Some are very clear and direct but others aren't and I just despair really.