How to determine healthy boundaries and not become a doormat in a ltr.

[Thierro]

How do you actually determine healthy boundaries without becoming a doormat? In my past relationship I was very insecure and because of this I basically tried to change my girlfriend. I am now trying to get myself together and I try to have a healthy sense of self-worth. I am doing a lot of introspection and self-evaluating after the break-up and I am showing some good progress along the way. I even laughed out loud when I realized what I had turn into when the years passed.

 

I am trying to love myself. Accepting who and what I am and trying to be better. I need to put myself as number one and truly believe that I am the best guy in the world; not letting others define who I am.

 

But how do I reset my boundaries? How far do I need to take the genuine ‘no care’ attitude? Should I not care whatever she does? What is acceptable behavior and what is not?

 

A few examples;

 

‘Sweetie, can I go camping with a male friend I became friends with during our relationship? We are -going to pitch a tent somewhere in the woods’

Sure why not? I trust you!

‘Sweetie, I can’t get home and need to stay over with a male friend. We need to share a bed though, is that ok with you?’

-Sure… I trust you!

‘Sweetie, can I make love to him?’

-Sure! But when you do, take your crap with you and f*ck off.

 

I think that if I give her too much space, that she will eventually think; ‘He doesn’t really care what I do’ and that, in a way, she will walk all over me and that she is going to take it as far as possible.

 

I don’t really understand what reasonable boundaries are without being controlling or insecure.

[Els]

To me, anything that could reasonably be seen as a platonic friendship is fine - that includes drinks, activities, etc. People do not sleep in the same bed with platonic friends.

[Green]

You just have to live and learn. If I had a gf who said "sweetie can we invite my friend BOB from work to dinner with us" I'd be like "NO"

 

Yeah basicaly don't let random guys tag along with you. And don't let your gf spend alone time that mimics a bf/gf relationship with another guy.

[Els]

You just have to live and learn. If I had a gf who said "sweetie can we invite my friend BOB from work to dinner with us" I'd be like "NO"

 

What?!?! Yeah, she must sooooooooo be planning to cheat on you with him if she invites him to meet up with BOTH of you!!

[Thierro]

But even with that said, there is no good reliable guide line to all of this? It's just what YOU think is appropriate behavior or not? Your own interpretation of situations and feelings you will get from them?

 

‘A platonic friendship is fine’. I have shared a bed with numerous female friends. Some of them asked ‘why do you want to sleep on the couch? We can share the bed’ even though they had boyfriends. So I have no clue what acceptable behavior is and what controlling and distrust is.

 

My gf left me for being controlling, so I obviously did something wrong.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Thierro

[TaraMaiden]

Here's a guideline:

 

In matters of taste, swim with the current.

in matters of principle, stand like a rock.

 

You give your GF complete honesty - including any "Well, I don't want to cramp your style, but at the same time, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I've been badly burned before and grounding my Trust is a hard thing for me to do. Some things are more challenging to cope with for me."

 

And you expect - and demand - complete honesty back.

 

If she begins protesting and justifying, without being understanding of your own plight, then this should be an indication that she's disrespecting your feelings and putting her own desires above your misgivings.

 

Relationships are built on Trust, Respect (both for your partner, and for yourself) and effective Communication.

 

If any of these is missing, then something's dysfunctional.

[Thierro]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I did all of that in the relationship, but I am afraid my honesty was the reason she broke up. Besides that I respected her and trusted her. Maybe I didn't love myself enough; the reason of all the insecurities I had to go through.

 

Can you recommend a good book to start with Buddhism? Maybe this and other resources can aid me to a greater self-love and acceptance. ‘How to practice’ Dalai Lama, ‘It’s easier than you think’- Sylvia Boorstein.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Thierro

[TaraMaiden]

Well, as you ask....

 

'The Tibetan book of Living and Dying' - Sogyal Rinpoche

'The Art of Happiness' - HH the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler.

The Awakening Trilogy - 3 books - 'Awakening the Buddha within', 'Awakening to the Sacred', and 'Awakening the Buddhist Heart'. (Lama Surya Das) I loved these.

 

Not strictly Buddhist, but very good anyway -'The Power of Now' by Echart Tolle. in my opinion, his original and best.

 

His later works became commercial money-spinners. I feel uncomfortable with them, because they seem a little....contrived, and almost "written to order"....

 

These helped transform my life.

I think it's quite a bit to be going on with!

[Thierro]

Thank you for the recommendations. You always seem very wise.

 

May I ask you in which way's buddhism has changed you? How do you keep such a strong frame? Does the change come from self-love and acceptance?

[TaraMaiden]

I think others would be better placed to answer your first question from an objective point of view.

 

Please understand that these are my thoughts and personal PoV. I'm not trying to persuade or convince you in any direction. But I'm happy to respond as constructively as I can. If you are of a mind to do so, I would urge you to investigate my comments for yourself, by seeking reference elsewhere, also.

 

Buddhism teaches us to see things as they really are.

Things are not 'bad', things are not 'good'.

Things are, simply as they are.

it is our own evaluation, emotional input and perception, that makes us decide if something is crappy or otherwise.

This is perfectly natural.

 

I now find that although I am still affected by situations, experiences and incidents in my life, I am far more able now, to be able to come out of feelings of despondency and stress, because I am able to shift my focus on what I have learnt.

I may get deep down at times, but I'm able to come up far more quickly!

At the risk of sounding shallow and superficial, the greatest cure for one's own sadness, is to focus on that of others and try to help that, instead.

 

Keeping a strong frame is a challenge. But it's one that holds no form of punishment or retribution, if one fails the mark.

my worst critic, is me.

What simplifies it, is that what I have learnt is so logical, so common-sense and so fundamentally accurate, that it's a pleasure to learn - and re-learn - the lessons I take in, daily.

 

self-love is a bit difficult to word.

it's more self-worth, and self-acceptance, and the realisation that in actual fact, I am not the same person I was yesterday, and neither shall I be the same person tomorrow. not only in thought and perception, but also in the physical bodily sense of the word.

 

You can gaze at a river all day long, but you're never actually looking at the same river, twice.

so it's a question of living life as well as you can, trying as well as I can to do no harm, and just being mindful of the consequences of what I think, say and do.

Other people figure in my life, so I try to leave them with a favourable impression of the encounter. It's nice to see pleasure on the faces of people, and is far preferable to inflicting intentional emotional discomfort.

 

the important thing is to never judge yourself too harshly.

It's counter-productive and inhibiting. it holds you back, and really it is far better to accentuate the positive, in order to encourage growth.

 

I would recommend the Art of happiness, and the Lama Surya Das books, for starters, and definitely delve into The Power of Now.

 

Please remember that it is not how far we have to go, that matters.

it's how far we've come.

I'm sure you are going to be fine, and if you steadfastly endeavour to replace negative thinking with skilful thoughts, you cannot fail to be the person you are most geared to being.

Nobody else can ever be you.

So marvel at your uniqueness, and keep going.

Keep growing.

 

I hope I have adequately answered your questions.

 

Edited July 16, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[Thierro]

I think you are very insightful. I will take it as a personal opinion, but the knowledge you acquired through your own experiences and Buddhism let me believe that Buddhism can give me a peace of mind and a way of coping and anticipate better on whatever life will bring. I think my inner dialog can benefit from this. Seeing life how it is and change negativity to positivity in a strong self-believe and acceptance.

 

I gladly accept different views and approaches in general, so a lot of different input will make me stronger, more developed and happier. There’s a lot more to learn from different people around the world and that is very exciting; to be able to learn from every single person alive. I respect people’s opinions greatly.

 

Thanks again for all the reactions. If people have a different point of view, please share.

Edited July 18, 2010 by Thierro

[pureinheart]

How do you actually determine healthy boundaries without becoming a doormat? In my past relationship I was very insecure and because of this I basically tried to change my girlfriend. I am now trying to get myself together and I try to have a healthy sense of self-worth. I am doing a lot of introspection and self-evaluating after the break-up and I am showing some good progress along the way. I even laughed out loud when I realized what I had turn into when the years passed.

 

I am trying to love myself. Accepting who and what I am and trying to be better. I need to put myself as number one and truly believe that I am the best guy in the world; not letting others define who I am.

 

But how do I reset my boundaries? How far do I need to take the genuine ‘no care’ attitude? Should I not care whatever she does? What is acceptable behavior and what is not?

 

A few examples;

 

‘Sweetie, can I go camping with a male friend I became friends with during our relationship? We are -going to pitch a tent somewhere in the woods’

Sure why not? I trust you!

‘Sweetie, I can’t get home and need to stay over with a male friend. We need to share a bed though, is that ok with you?’

-Sure… I trust you!

‘Sweetie, can I make love to him?’

-Sure! But when you do, take your crap with you and f*ck off.

 

I think that if I give her too much space, that she will eventually think; ‘He doesn’t really care what I do’ and that, in a way, she will walk all over me and that she is going to take it as far as possible.

 

I don’t really understand what reasonable boundaries are without being controlling or insecure.

 

Please posters, correct me if I'm wrong, although there should be little need to place a lot of boundries, especially the examples given.

 

I would not want to go with another man anywhere without my SO...you know? Especially not the places described. I would be equally shocked should my SO want to go to these types of places with someone other than his sister...maybe I'm old fashioned...although that's how I think:)

[pureinheart]

I think others would be better placed to answer your first question from an objective point of view.

 

Please understand that these are my thoughts and personal PoV. I'm not trying to persuade or convince you in any direction. But I'm happy to respond as constructively as I can. If you are of a mind to do so, I would urge you to investigate my comments for yourself, by seeking reference elsewhere, also.

 

Buddhism teaches us to see things as they really are.

Things are not 'bad', things are not 'good'.

Things are, simply as they are.

it is our own evaluation, emotional input and perception, that makes us decide if something is crappy or otherwise.

This is perfectly natural.

 

I now find that although I am still affected by situations, experiences and incidents in my life, I am far more able now, to be able to come out of feelings of despondency and stress, because I am able to shift my focus on what I have learnt.

I may get deep down at times, but I'm able to come up far more quickly!

At the risk of sounding shallow and superficial, the greatest cure for one's own sadness, is to focus on that of others and try to help that, instead.

 

Keeping a strong frame is a challenge. But it's one that holds no form of punishment or retribution, if one fails the mark.

my worst critic, is me.

What simplifies it, is that what I have learnt is so logical, so common-sense and so fundamentally accurate, that it's a pleasure to learn - and re-learn - the lessons I take in, daily.

 

self-love is a bit difficult to word.

it's more self-worth, and self-acceptance, and the realisation that in actual fact, I am not the same person I was yesterday, and neither shall I be the same person tomorrow. not only in thought and perception, but also in the physical bodily sense of the word.

 

You can gaze at a river all day long, but you're never actually looking at the same river, twice.

so it's a question of living life as well as you can, trying as well as I can to do no harm, and just being mindful of the consequences of what I think, say and do.

Other people figure in my life, so I try to leave them with a favourable impression of the encounter. It's nice to see pleasure on the faces of people, and is far preferable to inflicting intentional emotional discomfort.

 

the important thing is to never judge yourself too harshly.

It's counter-productive and inhibiting. it holds you back, and really it is far better to accentuate the positive, in order to encourage growth.

 

I would recommend the Art of happiness, and the Lama Surya Das books, for starters, and definitely delve into The Power of Now.

 

Please remember that it is not how far we have to go, that matters.

it's how far we've come.

I'm sure you are going to be fine, and if you steadfastly endeavour to replace negative thinking with skilful thoughts, you cannot fail to be the person you are most geared to being.

Nobody else can ever be you.

So marvel at your uniqueness, and keep going.

Keep growing.

 

I hope I have adequately answered your questions.

 

 

Wow Tara....this is extremely profound...I think ya out did yourself with this one!

[denise_xo]

How do you actually determine healthy boundaries without becoming a doormat? In my past relationship I was very insecure and because of this I basically tried to change my girlfriend. I am now trying to get myself together and I try to have a healthy sense of self-worth. I am doing a lot of introspection and self-evaluating after the break-up and I am showing some good progress along the way. I even laughed out loud when I realized what I had turn into when the years passed.

 

I am trying to love myself. Accepting who and what I am and trying to be better. I need to put myself as number one and truly believe that I am the best guy in the world; not letting others define who I am.

 

But how do I reset my boundaries? How far do I need to take the genuine ‘no care’ attitude? Should I not care whatever she does? What is acceptable behavior and what is not?

 

A few examples;

 

‘Sweetie, can I go camping with a male friend I became friends with during our relationship? We are -going to pitch a tent somewhere in the woods’

Sure why not? I trust you!

‘Sweetie, I can’t get home and need to stay over with a male friend. We need to share a bed though, is that ok with you?’

-Sure… I trust you!

‘Sweetie, can I make love to him?’

-Sure! But when you do, take your crap with you and f*ck off.

 

I think that if I give her too much space, that she will eventually think; ‘He doesn’t really care what I do’ and that, in a way, she will walk all over me and that she is going to take it as far as possible.

 

I don’t really understand what reasonable boundaries are without being controlling or insecure.

 

Hi Thierro,

Read your other post as well - I think your main challenge is a gut feeling that tells you you're happy about yourself, because a lot of these other things are going to follow once you get the 'healthy sense of self-worth', as you're saying. So, I second 100 percent what's highlighted in bold. Go out there and feel good about yourself and enjoy life a bit. I know it's easy to say and more difficult to do, but sounds like you're on the right track.

 

Did your old gf really break up with you because you were 'too controlling'? Or was it rather because those kind of discussions weren't done in the best of ways (or maybe other reasons altogether)? Because you don't sound controlling at all, if you think (as you post a bit further up here) that sharing a bed with the opposite sex, platonically, is ok if you're in a relationship

 

In my relationships, my man has had female friends and vice versa and we have often meet up with them individually - BUT sharing beds with them or going camping with them alone is off (unless I am going camping with them AND their spouses who are mostly also my friends, and obviously sleeping in a separate tent). It's not because of lack of trust, just about setting some healthy boundaries for a relationship that both are comfortable with.

 

You said in your other post that you're a perfectionist. With some other things in life, that's easier because there are more objective standards to agree on in terms of what constitutes a 'good piece of work', or what's 'right'. In relationships, sure there are guidelines but it's really about finding someone who shares your values and your take on life, and that would include the issue of where those boundaries go. You find everything out there from open relationships to people who adamantly refuse that it is possible to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. You just need to work out what works for YOU - and if you gf disagrees with you on a lot of it, then maybe she's not the right woman for you.

 

I second the usefulness of buddhist inspired thinking, and stuff like meditational practices. Sufism is also a good source of similar kind of inspiration. Physical exercise is also really helpful. One eye opener for me was 'the second circle' (in the US)/ 'presence' (in Europe) by Patsy Rodenburg. It addresses exactly the kind of insecurity issues that you are dealing with and gives practical guidelines for how to address it. But that's just me, you have to figure out what works for you. Good luck!

Edited July 18, 2010 by denise_xo

[paleblue]

Please posters, correct me if I'm wrong, although there should be little need to place a lot of boundries, especially the examples given.

 

I would not want to go with another man anywhere without my SO...you know? Especially not the places described. I would be equally shocked should my SO want to go to these types of places with someone other than his sister...maybe I'm old fashioned...although that's how I think:)

 

 

I like this. A LOT.