Great husband, amazing father but...

[rootbeer]

Hi everyone,

 

First time poster, long time reader.

 

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and have two school age children. He is an amazing husband, father and provider. We live a very comfortable life and have been very fortunate. There is just one very big problem. I love him but I am not in love with him anymore.

 

I have been distant with him while trying to sort out my inner conflict. He has picked up on my vibe and has started asking me what is going on. Honestly, I haven't been in love with him for awhile and I just can't believe that I am considering separation and divorce from such a wonderful man. What is wrong with me? I just fell out of love and I feel horrible.

 

Please tell me that I am not the only one dealing with this.

 

Thank you!

[Yamaha]

Is there someone else?

[rootbeer]

Nope. Just me growing in my own direction, I guess.

[Yamaha]

Any chance you can pull him in the same direction as you?

[Iconoclast]

Can't tell you what is wrong with you.

But, I can ask, are you prepared to make this amazing (your words) husband, a part time father, and unable to ever escape from you and you potential new husband.

 

Do you have the answer ready for this question? Mommy, why are you / we leaving?

 

Maybe you should explore other options before going nuclear.

[spriggig]

Hi everyone,

 

First time poster, long time reader.

 

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and have two school age children. He is an amazing husband, father and provider. We live a very comfortable life and have been very fortunate. There is just one very big problem. I love him but I am not in love with him anymore.

 

So, the butterflies went away and now you want to chase them with someone else?

 

I have been distant with him while trying to sort out my inner conflict. He has picked up on my vibe and has started asking me what is going on.

 

Really?! You're letting this guy go because the butterflies went away? You might go through ten more guys and not find someone who will come close to picking up on your vibe like this.

 

Honestly, I haven't been in love with him for awhile and I just can't believe that I am considering separation and divorce from such a wonderful man. What is wrong with me? I just fell out of love and I feel horrible.

 

Please tell me that I am not the only one dealing with this.

 

Thank you!

 

I'm guessing you're mid-to late thirties? Mid-Life Crisis? Clock ticking?

 

At the top you said "love but not in love", now at the bottom you say "not in love at all". You still love him, you just don't feel the butterflies right now. They can come back.

 

Stop looking back at your marriage through the "we're incompatible" glasses and put back on the "we have a great life" glasses.

 

YOU NEED TO TELL HIM IN DETAIL WHAT IS GOING ON. It takes two to make a marriage work, don't keep him in the dark. He is your partner for finding a solution to this problem and he wants very much to help.

[What_Next]

rootber, first off welcome to LS and it's forums.

 

Do yourself a favor and google "walk away wife syndrome" because you fit it to a tee. I hope you HAVE NOT fallen for another either in a EA or a PA. If that's the case then your marriage can be saved.

 

Get IC, MC (preferrably both) before things get out of hand. Please talk to your husband. Get him engaged in this issue. Let him decide what he wants to do. My best guess is that if he is told what is going on he'll deal with it.

 

Take it from somene that has been there. If I was told what was going on, well if I was told and was smart enough to listen that is, I've had done something about it.

 

This is a normal course of soooo many marriages. The fact that you have realized it is a good thing.

[Steadfast]

You are far from being alone. The world is chock full of wives who aren't in love with their husbands. The difference here I'd like to think, is you have the courage to post it up looking for advice. That is what you want, right? Not validation? You won't get that here. This is LS's dirty basement; full of wounded souls and people trying to climb the hell out. Not a pretty place.

 

There's many reasons...more on that in a bit. But be very careful how you communicate what you're feeling. Know that you are in essence holding a knife to his manhood. Once he understands what you're feeling he'll probably try to fix it; that's what men do. Don't get frustrated or think he's trying to run your life. In his eyes, he'll be trying to save his family.

 

Expect him to extra kind and accommodating. He'll search his mind and soul for things he's done wrong; he'll want decisions back, to be made differently. He'll see the edge of the world rushing towards him and he'll be terrified. He will doubt his attractiveness, his confidence shattered.

 

He'll face the reality of losing his wife and kids full of dread and heartache.

 

Tell me, is that what you want? Even considering your feelings?

 

Modern times and media often portray a certain image of happiness, and general politics seems to suggest that if you're not meeting that standard, you're somehow being cheated. In short, it's entitlement, and it's a strong emotion. Men usually make decisions based on circumstance and logic; women often make decisions based on emotion. Love isn't an emotion, it's a decision. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently. There is not a married woman living or dead that did not at some point fall out of love. Marriage vows speak to this. We you paying attention? What part of 'for better or worse' don't you understand? You have children. Another broken family. Marriages -happy marriages- are forged by fire. Weak ones burn up.

 

Think it through. If he's as amazing as you say, he probably won't last on the market very long. That is, if he has anything left to give. See, men aren't amazing, loving fathers and husbands by birthright or gift; his accomplishments are the result of hard work, sacrifice and dedication.

 

True happiness is attained by giving, not receiving. You'll find out, one way or another-

[rootbeer]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I don't know where I am going with my feelings. I am not ready to walk away from him tomorrow but yet I am trying to visualize a future together considering how I feel.

 

I am not involved emotionally or physically with anyone else now or ever during our relationship. I am not even thinking about another person or of dating. I am trying to sort out my own issues/feelings. I am not taking any of this lightly.

 

Just never thought I would feel like this.

[habs53]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I don't know where I am going with my feelings. I am not ready to walk away from him tomorrow but yet I am trying to visualize a future together considering how I feel.

 

I am not involved emotionally or physically with anyone else now or ever during our relationship. I am not even thinking about another person or of dating. I am trying to sort out my own issues/feelings. I am not taking any of this lightly.

 

Just never thought I would feel like this.

Grass in not greener. Thats a fact. Wife did the same thing a few months back. More miserable now that before. I turned out to be the happier one. Dont expect your husband to wait for you and dont expect your children to respect you after this. My son hates going to his moms place. He will never forget this.

You had really better think about this good and hard. Its a fact that most married couples fall in and out of love 3 times each. Google it, its true. So probably your husband has went through this as well but he never left.

Leaving your family is selfish, and against god.

Edited July 15, 2010 by habs53

[TaraMaiden]

I'm going to say something that may well go completely against the grain here, but -

 

What you are feeling is completely, totally and entirely natural.

it's understandable.

And what's more, the worst feeling of all is that you feel dreadfully guilty about all this, because you know, in your heart if hearts, you're absolutely right.

 

you actually don't love him any more. Not as a sexually participating, physically attractive, mate. And I mean that in the very sense of the word.

 

He's your 'brother' now. It's platonic, and it's companionship.

You are house-mates. Really good friends.

If he went and had an affair, you wouldn't be angry, you'd be relieved.

For him.

Because at least, he'd be getting what you feel completely unable to give him any more.

 

Before I say anything else, how am I doing so far?

And if I am absolutely way off the mark, feel free to say so.

 

But if I'm spot-on (as I suspect I am) then I know what you must do.

[habs53]

Can't tell you what is wrong with you.

But, I can ask, are you prepared to make this amazing (your words) husband, a part time father, and unable to ever escape from you and you potential new husband.

 

Do you have the answer ready for this question? Mommy, why are you / we leaving?

 

Maybe you should explore other options before going nuclear.

Dont be so sure she will get the kids. Not in todays world. He has as much chance as her, at least for 50/50. If he is a good man as she sais, he will have no problem finding someone else.

[habs53]

I'm going to say something that may well go completely against the grain here, but -

 

What you are feeling is completely, totally and entirely natural.

it's understandable.

And what's more, the worst feeling of all is that you feel dreadfully guilty about all this, because you know, in your heart if hearts, you're absolutely right.

 

you actually don't love him any more. Not as a sexually participating, physically attractive, mate. And I mean that in the very sense of the word.

 

He's your 'brother' now. It's platonic, and it's companionship.

You are house-mates. Really good friends.

If he went and had an affair, you wouldn't be angry, you'd be relieved.

For him.

Because at least, he'd be getting what you feel completely unable to give him any more.

 

Before I say anything else, how am I doing so far?

And if I am absolutely way off the mark, feel free to say so.

 

But if I'm spot-on (as I suspect I am) then I know what you must do.

As stated, its normal for for both partys in a relationship to go through this. Its a fact. Marriage has its ups and downs, you made a promise in front of god for better or for worst. Then you incourage this, wow.

 

I may sound bitter, but i turned out to be the happier one. I have met a nice lady who maybe knows what a commitment means.

[TaraMaiden]

As stated, its normal for for both partys in a relationship to go through this. Its a fact. Marriage has its ups and downs, you made a promise in front of god for better or for worst. Then you incourage this, wow.

I'm not encouraging anything.

Im stating a theory which I'd like to OP to respond to. I may be right, I may be wrong, but I suspect the former.

Oh, and by the way:

We are

mammals first,

humans second,

people third, and

religious fourth.

 

I don't believe in god, so your comment is utterly irrelevant to me.

But I am a mammal, I am human, and I am a person.

That counts for more in my situation than god does.

 

I may sound bitter, but i turned out to be the happier one. I have met a nice lady who maybe knows what a commitment means.

So you see, nobody is immune from this kind of thing, even the god-fearing.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience, and I hope you find the permanent commitment you seek.

But my comments are for the OP to respond to. Until then, I'm really not concerned with anything else.

[habs53]

I realize this was meant for the OP. Dont worry i will not reply again. She will not get any support on here except for someone that has done the same thing and probably still feels guilty. Please do not repond to this.

[TaraMaiden]

Nope.

No guilt at all, but conversely, complete relief, conviction and the continual confirmation that my ex- and I did the right thing.

we're both much happier and content.

 

And I did reply, because I could. I'm sorry, but you don't get to dictate what others respond with or if at all.

[Steadfast]

As per the usual, the OP gets two completely different viewpoints to consider. I learned long ago the pointlessness of arguing with other posters, but we face the consequences of not only our actions, but our words too.

 

The Chinese say there are never two rights. One is right, and one is a lie. In a world full of natural absolutes, this seems fair and true, regardless of one's spiritual affiliation. I'll also add that just because people survive betrayal, that doesn't justify the original act. I might prove something else tho, like the fact that two people are apart that never should have been together. Best then, I think, to make good decisions before marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

As per the usual, the OP gets two completely different viewpoints to consider. I learned long ago the pointlessness of arguing with other posters, but we face the consequences of not only our actions, but our words too.

You're absolutely right, and all words and actions start with thoughts. That's where the responsibility begins.

 

The Chinese say there are never two rights. One is right, and one is a lie. In a world full of natural absolutes, this seems fair and true, regardless of one's spiritual affiliation. I'll also add that just because people survive betrayal, that doesn't justify the original act.

I'm confused now. Where has the OP spoken of betrayal?

 

I might prove something else tho, like the fact that two people are apart that never should have been together.

Which two people are apart? The OP is not separated and has not divorced or left her husband...

 

Best then, I think, to make good decisions before marriage.

 

Show me one couple who ever deliberately made a bad decision before marriage and knew it and still went ahead with the marriage.

nobody goes into a marriage with the thought or suspicion of failing.

All those who get married do so with good intention, and believe at the time they are making the good - and right - decision.

And at the time, doubtless they ARE right.

But people and circumstances change. nothing remains the same, ever. Nothing.

And sometimes we can adapt joyfully to that change, and sometimes we can't.

So the above, is not structurally sound advice.

[blossom0123]

Hi Rootbeer,

 

My situation is pretty much a copy of yours (except that there are no children), although I was 'optimistic enough' to post my case in the M&LTR section (just joking).

 

Guess I'm just writing you now to express some sympathy, I don't have that much advice because I am totally confused, guilt ridden and disoriented myself. TaraMaiden's post hit home with me, but I am definitely not yet at a state where I can imagine leaving and subsequently looking myself in the mirror, even though leaving is what I fantasize about half of the time.

 

I really don't know. One the one hand, I do fundamentally believe all the stuff about marriage being hard work, you have to constantly recreate your relationship, everyone goes through rough patches, life is what you make it and you decide for yourself how you look at it, the grass isn't greener on the other side, when you marry you make a commitment, and so on. In theory, I think I have always had quite realistic expectations to what a marriage is or isn't (never bought the one love propaganda or dreamt of a wedding day or anything like that). Yet, now, I find it really really difficult to act on all that theoretical knowledge. I feel no emotional or physical connection with my husband, who, like yours, is a really good man. Right now, if I try to imagine us spending another ten or twenty years together, it makes me feel really down. I'm not saying that's right or legitimate and I'm trying to make that feeling go away, but that's how I feel. I'm trying to do things to change myself (signed up for IC, trying to change my behaviour towards my husband hoping that will in turn change my feelings, trying to monitor negative thought patterns and 'arrest' them).

[TaraMaiden]

Blossom, if you are not in that state - what would 'that state' be?

What uis it going to take to bring you to that state, and how long do you think you will have to wait?

 

There is no good time.

It's never the right, or good time to spur something like this, into action.

And I am not suggesting that every situation should end with a break-up.

But I know, from first-hand experience, that once that kind of passionate kick has gone, you can never get it back, because all attempts are contrived and you feel false and as if you're living a lie.

I went approximately the last 15 years without having sex with my ex-husband. after a marriage of 23 years, we knocked it on the head, both having agreed that the relationship had, in essence, completely gone total belly-up, about 12 years previously.

Up to that point, we'd both been trying to make it work, meeting in the middle, discussing it, trying to find rhyme or reasons for the degeneration of the relationship.

Oh sure, plenty came up.

but the bottom line?

Mis-match. we no longer fitted one another's criteria.

He no longer did it for me. There was nothing left.

he would have been happy to have just had the sex. In fact, once or twice, we did. but it was purely a carnal need. there was no affection there, just a physical appeasement. And in all the time I was with him, I never had an orgasm.

Ever.

 

so I do know.

I do understand.

And I hope the OP gets it too.

Unless I'm wrong about her situation.

In which case, I'll bow out.

[Cedarman]

This sounds very similar to my situation except in my case, I'm the husband, and we've had more years under these conditions. It's poison.

 

There is no such thing as a happy, platonic marriage unless both parties have the same idea.

 

I truly believe that my wife fell "out of love" with me (as a husband) years ago - she loves me, but is not in love with me. Looking back, the real issue is one of communication. If one spouse is not happy this needs to be communicated as early as possible - I didn't do this, my wife didn't do this. We got busy leading separate lives and when we woke up, years had past and it is like living with a stranger. We went to counselling but all that did was raise my hopes while my wife (who lost her committment) just went through the motions.

 

It WILL get worse and I feel for your husband because he's expended so much time being a wonderful father, etc, that he's neglected the time which a married couple must spend together. He probably did it with the best of intentions (like me) but did not realize the extent to which he was alienating his relationship with you.

 

You have to deal with this and deal with it NOW - do not let it fester to the point I'm in - where you're building a separate life without your husband, leaving him oblivious and stranded. IF you love him or loved him, you really owe it to him to be completely honest and then see what you are both willing to do to salvage. I believe you can, just as I believe that my wife and I can, but it takes 100% HONEST committment on both sides. At the very least he will know, as early as possible, that he needs to build his own life independent of you. In my case, this waited too long and it's not looking very good for the future. I'm left as a devoted father, facing the prospect of becoming a part-time single Dad while watching my wife of 23 years get exactly what she's got now, without the need to even try to fix our relationship or change her current lifestyle. That's a hard pill to swallow.

[blossom0123]

Blossom, if you are not in that state - what would 'that state' be?

What uis it going to take to bring you to that state, and how long do you think you will have to wait?

 

 

I went approximately the last 15 years without having sex with my ex-husband. after a marriage of 23 years, we knocked it on the head, both having agreed that the relationship had, in essence, completely gone total belly-up, about 12 years previously.

 

Thanks for your post, TM, these are good questions for thinking.

 

The 'state', as I am imagining it at the moment, is one of these two:

 

1) I regain the appreciation for my husband and a motivation to work on my marriage (though IC, through trying, through I don'tknowwhat).

OR

2) I have a gut feeling that says leaving is the right thing to do, and which tells me that I can go ahead with this knowing that I made the right decision.

 

How long will it take to get there? If I only knew

 

How will I get to that state? In my experience with other life challenges, you have to 'go with the process' for a while in the faith that a decision will come to you. I don't mean by that to renounce personal responsibility - on the contrary I think that through making smaller choices and taking a variety of smaller actions (i.e. in this case going to IC, having discussions with my husband, trying [although contrived as you say] to be a better spouse), you slowly move toward the end point. But at the end of the day, this is the one million question dollar that I can't answer right now - how do I get to a state where I know that it's right or wrong to leave?

 

There is no agreement between us that it is not working, just like the 'waw'-stereotype it came as a shock to him. He was first crushed, but has since pulled himself together and it setting some terms for himself and placing some demands on me. I'm grateful for that.

[blossom0123]

Thanks for your post, TM, these are good questions for thinking.

 

The 'state', as I am imagining it at the moment, is one of these two:

 

1) I regain the appreciation for my husband and a motivation to work on my marriage (though IC, through trying, through I don'tknowwhat).

OR

2) I have a gut feeling that says leaving is the right thing to do, and which tells me that I can go ahead with this knowing that I made the right decision.

 

How long will it take to get there? If I only knew

 

How will I get to that state? In my experience with other life challenges, you have to 'go with the process' for a while in the faith that a decision will come to you. I don't mean by that to renounce personal responsibility - on the contrary I think that through making smaller choices and taking a variety of smaller actions (i.e. in this case going to IC, having discussions with my husband, trying [although contrived as you say] to be a better spouse), you slowly move toward the end point. But at the end of the day, this is the one million question dollar that I can't answer right now - how do I get to a state where I know that it's right or wrong to leave?

 

There is no agreement between us that it is not working, just like the 'waw'-stereotype it came as a shock to him. He was first crushed, but has since pulled himself together and it setting some terms for himself and placing some demands on me. I'm grateful for that.

 

Actually, let me modify that:

I will know that I can leave if I ever find a justification which says that it's OK to place my own happiness above his. I don't think that's justification exists. So, from that perspective, I'm not going to get there.

 

I think that's the basic issue.

 

Sorry OP, I highjacked your thread! Will get out of here now!! Good luck to you

[Cedarman]

I will know that I can leave if I ever find a justification which says that it's OK to place my own happiness above his. I don't think that's justification exists. So, from that perspective, I'm not going to get there.

 

 

My wife has used the same argument (except she isn't worried about the justification business). Some people are built differently - some, like me need a justification - others, like my wife, focus on themselves exclusively and just do what makes THEM happy. Ideally there should be a middle ground where you respect your own as well as your spouse's feelings.

 

I truly believe that if you are committed to the marriage, things can work out as long as you both share that committment. Early in my marriage, I was the one looking for a way out - but I decided that I would work to make things work and it did for a long while. But somewhere along the way, things happened which changed our focus and the committment (on my wife's part) evaporated. In hindsight, I probably worked too hard at the fatherhood thing, and my wife took me for granted and I became a useful part of her life as opposed to a passionate part.

[Steadfast]

Please forgive TM; I was referring to your post, the fairly obvious deceleration of acceptance and the clarity of your Godless viewpoint.

 

 

Show me one couple who ever deliberately made a bad decision before marriage and knew it and still went ahead with the marriage. nobody goes into a marriage with the thought or suspicion of failing. All those who get married do so with good intention, and believe at the time they are making the good - and right - decision. And at the time, doubtless they ARE right.

 

But people and circumstances change. nothing remains the same, ever. Nothing. And sometimes we can adapt joyfully to that change, and sometimes we can't. So the above, is not structurally sound advice.

 

 

Anyone can be an intellectual giant if they're allowed to make the rules as they go. You thinking and reasoning is based on a 'me first' attitude, while every marriage study (church based or otherwise) ever published concludes that marriage is utterly dependent on each spouse giving more than they're taking. If that be true, please tell me where your advice fits in?

 

I'm not here to convince or convert anyone TM, just a respondent. I didn't invent the concept of right and wrong, but I do believe it exists. Here's another truth to ponder; there are no atheists in foxholes.