Ex-boyfriend called after I initiated 4 weeks of no contact. What could this mean?!

[cron]

Everyone, I need some more advice.

 

My story is very long and you can read the entire situation that went down with my ex and I here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t236106/

 

The shortened version of my story: I'm 30 and he's 39. Neither of us have ever been married and we have no kids. We were in a long-distance relationship for 7+ months (after meeting through a mutual friend 7 months prior to that) and everything was WONDERFUL! I was convinced he was "the one" but even more, he expressed to me over and over that we would wed and asked me to relocate from Atlanta to Boston to be with him.

 

I found out I was pregnant on Easter Sunday and at first, he was excited! But as time built up towards the date of my pregnancy confirmation appointment 1 month later, he changed.

 

In short, the outcome of my confirmation appointment was crushing: I was told that I was going to have a miscarriage and I am still struggling with losing my baby. He handled the whole thing callously and didn't seem to give a care about me or my well-being. He didn't even want to come back to see the ultrasound, nor did he come to consult with my doctor when she explained to me what a miscarriage entails and my options. He flew back to Boston the next day and I barely heard from him again.

 

We went from talking CONSTANTLY every day through phone or text and seeing each other every 2 weeks or sometimes more to me not hearing from him. I know the miscarriage and the pregnancy itself scared him but, he treated me so badly and stopped calling. For a month, I would only hear from him every 2 days, then every 4 days and then only when I contacted him. When I asked him "What was up?!" finally after a month of him dodging me, he told me that he wasn't "Ready to commit to having me move up to Boston" and that he wasn't ready to commit period. Just 2 months prior, he wanted me to move and he helped me look for jobs and when he found out I was pregnant, he was joyous and stated that he "couldn't think of anyone in the world he'd rather have a child with". He went from this to breaking up in 1 month?!!!

 

We never fought, and I've come to the conclusion that as commitment loomed, he ran like a scared kitten. I've been depressed not only over losing him but over the miscarriage, too. He ran and abandoned me. And he had the audacity to do it over the phone.

 

I've gone NC for a full 4 weeks and was starting to feel strong. I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again and was making peace with it. Then, out of nowhere, he calls yesterday to say that "He was thinking of me, and hadn't talked to me in a while and wanted to see how I was doing." He said that he was in California for business and that he'd try me back later on that night or the next day. Well, he didn't call me that night and he didn't call me tonight as promised.

 

My question is this: What could he want? Should I call him back or wait for him to call again as he said? Why would he care how I'm doing?!!! He wanted me out of his life and I gave him his cowardly out. Do you think possibly he's rethinking his actions? I just need to know if he'll call again because I want to talk to him and let him know that I am doing just great without him. Also, to the dumpers, why would you contact an ex to see "how they're doing"?! Do you just need to have your own ego stroked? Since he contacted me 4 weeks after the fact, does this mean he may be reconsidering things? I just really want to know if I should call him back.

 

Any insights, esp. from the male perspective, would be great. Thanks, everyone!

[aerogurl87]

Keep NC and don't call him back EVER! If he was selfish enough to leave you in your time of need (aka when you were pregnant with HIS child) what makes you think he'll suddenly have an epiphany and become this great guy in 4 weeks time? Move on with your life and be happy you dodged a bullet with him.

[TheLoneSock]

He was probably relieved to hear that you would not go full term. As messed up as that sounds, he was probably feeling very anxious about becoming a father and this brought a reprieve, an 'out'. It's hard to believe that he is 39 years old.

 

What you have avoided here is a long term commitment to a man-baby. Forget about validation, forget about vengeance, forget about wanting to let him know that you are great without him (which, if you have to tell him that, most of the time it isn't true). Do your best to move on from this and continue your search for a better man.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely second aerogurl's advice.

 

My question is this: What could he want?

Irrelevant. He's off the radar, and it doesn't matter what he wants.

If he'd wanted something that badly, he'd still be with you.

 

 

Should I call him back or wait for him to call again as he said?

neither. Your life should never be about waiting to see what he does. your life should be about WANTINg the best for you. And he's definitely not it.

 

Why would he care how I'm doing?!!!

To pacify his own guilty conscience. to make himself feel better about his selfish, stupid, egotistic, hateful actions. he's doing this to pacify his own mind, not to appeal to yours.

 

He wanted me out of his life and I gave him his cowardly out. Do you think possibly he's rethinking his actions?

No.

He isn't.

If he was truly rethinking his actions, he would have said -

 

"I am so sorry for what I did. It was incredibly stupid, selfish, self-centred and immature of me. I hate what I did, and I can't believe I did it.

Please, please forgive me, and let me try again. I realise I have huge mountains to climb, but I will devote the rest of my life to you and making you happy. I'm dedicated to reversing the wrong I did you. Please, will you let me prove myself to you?"

 

Not - "I'm just thinking of you."

That just means he's curious to see whether you've moved on or not.

 

I just need to know if he'll call again because I want to talk to him and let him know that I am doing just great without him.

The best way to show him how well you've moved on, and that frankly, he means Jack5h1t to you, is to completely ignore him, and let him stew in his own bewilderment. Show him just how grerat you are doing without him, by carrying on your current actions. Cut him out.

 

Also, to the dumpers, why would you contact an ex to see "how they're doing"?! Do you just need to have your own ego stroked?

 

You've got it in one, hun!

"I wonder if s/he's still thinking about me? I wonder if I can still yank his/her string?

Do I still have it to ruffle their feathers and unsettle their world?"

That's all they want. To create turbulence.

 

Since he contacted me 4 weeks after the fact, does this mean he may be reconsidering things?

No, not at all.

He's just fed up with the lack of attention and silence. he doesn't get it. he can't understand how you've managed to move on so well without him, and he figures he still has a stake to claim in your feelings and emotions.

well, he doesn't.

He's gone. Out. Kaput. Finito. Shoved. Kicked to the kerb. History. EX.

 

I just really want to know if I should call him back.

No.

Not under any circumstances.

Never.

Absolutely not.

Negatory.

Not even.

That's a big N-O on that one.

Niet.

Nein.

Non.

 

Can't say it any other way, really.

 

No.

Edited July 15, 2010 by TaraMaiden