Is the bell tolling for me?

[Onyx]

My husband and I were Married last August and we are expecting our baby girl somewhere around the second week of this april. Its been rough for us, we had to move the weekend we got married because we were evicted by the landlord. I've been sick and had preterm labor a few times here and I havn't been as open to intimacy as I used to, which agitated the relations between he and I.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like my marriage is falling down around me. My husband is so distant to me and littlest request sends him flying off the bat. IE picking up his trash, or washing the dishes, or even requesting his time.

 

The only time he seems genuinely happy is when he is playing on the computer, or watching anime or anything involving the computer or his gaming buddies. If I try to disturb that, he yells at me and acuses me of trying to isolate him. He spends little to no time with me anymore. I only work part time so I spend most of my day alone, and it hurts that the little time that is free after he gets home for work, I'm rejected for an inanimate object. The most time he spends near me is when he goes to bed.

 

I feel like the baby and I are meaningless, and just nothing more then a burden. Its always him paying the bills, or making sure theres a roof over our head. Even though I work to. And when I don't feel well his solution is to tell me I never feel well. Theres no support for me, I cry alot now because if I say sometime or complain, its bitching or that I'm never happy with anything. I don't know what to do.

 

I've considered seperation, but if I leave I lose everything. I have no where to go, no savings left and no means to get me anywhere. I don't know what to do in this situation, the more I try to talk to him, the angrier he gets. Violently angry sometimes.

 

Am I looking for miracle that isn't there, or has my bell already tolled?

 

Onyx

[UCFKevin]

Has he hit you?

 

I suppose this is a standard answer, but try counseling. See if he wants to salvage the marriage. Otherwise, sadly...it does sound like the bell is ringing.

[Samson]

I'm going to sound very "curmudgeonly," but based on what I've read in your post, I'm not surprised that, "The only time he seems genuinely happy is when he is playing on the computer." Because when he's not he's 1. Working, 2. Picking up trash, 3. Washing the dishes, and 4. last but certainly not least, responding to your "requesting his time."

 

Now, Onyx, if you're pregnate, then you've had many hormonal challenges which have affected your disposition. You are extremely vunerable, and have a right to need to feel secure and be reassured that you will be taken care of by your husband.

 

But understand, it may take what seems to be superhuman volumes of patience to support your emotional needs. Many men, including myself, fail miserably at this task.

 

I would strongly suggest you develope a much stronger network of female companions to share your concerns until you have the baby and return to what may have been your previous independent state of mind and body. I would also suggest forgiving your husband for being something of a "brute." We have no instruction book upon which to guide us, in fact we may be trained all our lives to withdrawl emotionally in the face of extreme female emotional states. Something of an imperfect survival mechanism, and something that, I agree, should be changed the next time man is created. Realizing this will allow you to back off depending on his support. Ironically, when you do this, I'll bet he'll try to support you MORE.

 

Good Luck.

[yes]

did you get married because you were pregnant?

 

-yes

[Onyx]

UCFKevin : No he hasn't hit me. He's been mad enough that he's raised his hand, and back off when he saw what he was about to do. He's told me time and again the day he actual lays a palm on me will be the day he leaves forever.

 

Samson: I see it more as escapism. I make time for his needs, so why should mine remain unfufilled in the least? Survival or no. Men can nurture, as much as they can destroy and equally create. The sad fact is my husband doesn't do much of anything. Cleaning, dishes.. even picking up after himself. I work just like him and find time to do these and to try to dedicate to "us time". But I find I'm the one being pushed for no apperent reason.

 

Yes: No we didn't get married because I was pregnant, that came afterwards.

 

Onyx

[Samson]

Your posting made it sound like "you spend most of the day alone" and that he's "paying the bills." I though you were a "homemaker." At any rate certainly any diversion is escapeism: agreed. It is also agreed that some men, under the circumstances you've described, will be "nuturing;" however, I'm hear to let you know, onyx, that this is not the case for ALL men, and IMHO, it mightn't not even be the case for MOST men.

 

Finally, it is NOT the case for your husband in particular, and whatever your expectations might be, he is not living up to them. My guess is this makes you somewhat upset? You get angry about it?

 

He believes you are "bitching" at him.

 

You cry alone.

 

Listen, onyx, I've seen this picture (I've LIVED this life), and suggested you find some female friends for support. Stop berating him for his many short-comings and failures to meet your expectations. Let him escape. IMHO there's nothing you've said that makes you bad, or abnormal, or even extraordinarily "bitchy," but if you really want to go through the next 18 years as a single mom just keep holding on to him tighter and tighter.

[Onyx]

So then let me ask you this Samson.

 

If I roll over and take it and let him walk all over me, just as he has. Where does the escapism stop? If I let this go on, he will do this to our daughter and make her feel just as unwanted and neglected.

 

What an unhappy Yingyang.

 

Onyx

[Samson]

What an unhappy Yingyang

 

Yes, FOR NOW it is an unhappy "yingyang." My prediction is that the escapism will decrease in importance for both of you as you become less dependent on his sympathy/empathy, or more accurately, his lacking of these qualities. He might become more empathetic after your daughter is born. You don't know.

 

Hang in there. Find some friends. Give him space. Does this sound like I'm suggesting you "let him walk all over you?"

 

When or if he comes around, then you can begin to discuss ways to change both your behaviors so that they include more activity you will appreciate. If he doesn't "come around" it will be a bridge to cross later. Wait and see. One way or another, you will have his daughter.

[carla]

This is my thought: (But what do I know I'm not a psychlogist) My thought is Your husband is feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he is going to be a father, He has another person to think about now, another mouth to feed, and a responsibility to help raise this person into a responsibile human being. He maybe feeling that the next few month maybe his only chance to be himself without the extra responsibility. Therefore he his withdrawing from you and spending more time with his friends and doing things that he enjoys b/c he may feel this is his last chance to do these things. On the other hand b/c he is withdrawing from you, b/c of the hormone thing going on you are more hurt and angry then you would be if you weren't pregnant. Chances are that once the baby is born he will feel overwhelmed with love for the 2 of you and will want to be more supportive. But at the same time you will be overwhelmed with all the little tasks and chores that come with a new baby and you will be negelecting your husband and Your Husband will be writing on this forum saying "Since the birth of our daughter my wife ignores me what should I do?" lol So chin up girl and enjoy these last few months of freedom because in a few months anything and everything you do, you will have a diaper bag attached to your shoulder and a baby seat connected to your hip. Good Luck.

[SoleMate]

I feel for you. Your needs are equally important to your husband's. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, when you're doing the extra work of carrying a baby, he should be cutting you MORE slack. Pregnancy and household disruption are stressful for both partners. I don't really feel it's an issue of "what's fair" or "how other men and women behave". It's the reality that you both have needs, and you both must get your needs at least partially met for this marriage to be worth anything.

 

And isn't it interesting that when you ask him to pick up trash HE made, you're the one being demanding???? WTF? as lostforwards would say.

 

I like a clean house myself. However, I was forced to let my standards slide after the baby came. When the baby is there, he/she comes first, you come second, your husband comes a close third, and there really isn't time left for anything else except survival - like groceries and diapers.

 

You both need practical help - now. Please try <URL removed> to find ways to get more satisfied with each other and get your needs met.

 

And you know what? You are OK, and there is hope. Please take it one day at a time, and see what you can do to expand your support network. Don't give up, and please don't see your husband as the enemy. You know what - he's probably as scared and frustrated and hopeless as you are.

[Onyx]

I do apologise for the time its taken me to reply here..

 

But honestly I've been doing my soul searching here and assessing the situation.

 

I married for love.. not for the baby inside of me. But sometimes love and affection can go sour and blind ones view of the world. I've had to step back, away from everything thing, away from my own depression and accept the spades that have been dealt to me. Chris and I are both fighting to maintain who we were prior to married life, trying to shift away from the carefree couple we were in college and get used to the responsible team that we have to be for our daughter.

 

Somethings in life are hard to let go... but were taking everything a day at a time. I think Chris understands a little more , the draw and drag that makes me short tempered. He has become a little more supportive because he finally has released that I am not superwoman. I'm a mere mortal just like him. My tolerance has changed and we've come to agreements on the social activities and the time we spend together. As I wait to go into labor here.. finally I have some sembelance of support.

 

Our bridge is still shaky, but it no longer feels like were teetering on the edge of disaster. Whatever happens, Hannah will have our love and support.

 

 

Onyx

[FolderWife]

I am an emotional person as are you. My husband pays all the bills, and I spend all the money bla bla bla.

 

I like you, was ready to leave, but like you, felt "where will I go?"

 

First thing I did was quit working around him. I sort of felt like if he is all about himself, then that's how I'll be too. I figured, why leave and be single and poor, when I can live with him, and pretend to be single (i.e. alone, not cheating, just ALONE) and buy things.

 

Any way, when I'd come home to him playing playstation, I changed clothes, and went to another room, and watched the Soap Operas that I'd taped earlier. Then, I'd watch Friends. Then, I'd tan. Then, I'd take a shower. He was in bed by 9, so after 9, I could do whatever the heck I wanted....like...painting my fingernails.

 

Eventually, my husband stopped treating me like crap, because I wasn't always nagging him. Every so often, he'd call my name, and ask me to cuddle with him or something.

 

Finally, he started whining when I didn't go to bed with him.

 

Eventually, I got used to "going to my room" and watching TV...that was just what I did...I relaxed and watched TV every evening after work.

 

Now, I'm happy, and he's happy. The thing is, he worries about money a lot....and he works a LOT.

 

I don't know about your husband, but my husband is a different person on his days off.

 

My mom mentioned this problem with my dad; not being able to talk to him, not spending time with him, him preferring the computer and TV over her....when I told her that it doesn't bother me, because when I get home from work, I like at LEAST 2 hours to myself, she said, "Well, since I don't work, I am not as tired as he is at the end of the day."

 

You said you work part time....therefore, you don't work as much as him, therefore, you are not as tired as him, therefore, you want more attention from him. Before I got a job, I was the same as you are now...trust me!

 

It's not settling for being "walked on" as you put it, it's accepting your husband for who he is and not trying to change him.

 

Quit taking every little thing he does personally. Men are just not the same as women at all. Therefore, they are not smart when it comes to women's needs. Again, quit taking everything he does personally. It sounds like your husband is worn out from working all day, then he comes home and just wants to relax and be alone for a couple of hours, but his wife is after him to pick up his clothes and take out the trash, and spend time with her nag nag NAG!

 

Yes, you are a neater person than he is, but get over it. My husband gets on my nerves so bad nagging me to put my dishes in the sink, and to do the laundry, and to make the bed, just little things to take care of myself, but I am a GROWN WOMAN. If I want to leave my glass on the table, then I'm going to leave my glass on the table. If it bothers him to see a glass on a table, then HE SHOULD MOVE IT.

 

Don't nag your husband to clean after himself...he'll do it eventually. If he doesn't, and it drives you nuts, then you pick it up. Problem solved...no more nagging.

 

Also, quit needing your husband so much. Just go watch TV. Quit depressing yourself over your low sex drive...your pregnant...it may come back. Your husband may not feel it's a big deal, but you are feeling like it is a big deal which to you makes it a big deal.

 

Sorry to write so much...I feel like I have a lot of experience to voice here though.

[Samson]

Sounds like things are progressing quite naturally. Good for you.

 

Don't expect nirvana, and you'll be satisfied.