My girlfriend keeps thinking about "What if's"

[steyr26]

What should i do? I mean i tell her to be positive and she comes back with saying if i tell myself everything will be okay then something happens it will hurt. The longest she wont be seeing me for is 3 months. I am positive because i have no need to think about negative things. at times i do cause i really dont want to lose her. But i see how other people are and they dont think about what if this happens. they just live it. What should i do? should i let it go and stop talking to her about it? I want things to work.

 

The only thing im scared of is that she loses her feelings because im gone or she finds someone else while im gone. She tells me i will never understand how much she loves me. But she keeps thinking about negative things i could do. or things that could happen.

 

What should i do?

[stace79]

I feel your pain. I am very much like your gf, and my bf gets frustrated with me.

 

Things that he does that really help me are calling me and texting me A LOT. Some days he will send me a text first thing in the morning. Other days he will call me on lunch break or message me on Yahoo messenger at work. Then we usually spend anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour on the phone after work/before bed.

 

He also is very proactive telling me that he loves me and how special I am to him. He reminds me how much he wants me to be able to live near him again. When I get negative, he tries to steer me back toward positive topics. However if I really insist I need to talk things through he will do his best to be patient and listen to me.

 

I would suggest you try those things. Also think outside the box a little. Maybe you can take some pictures together before you leave and write little notes, and then mail them to her while you are gone. Maybe offer to leave one of your t-shirts or sweatshirts with her to wear when she misses you.

 

Also webcams are great -- if you have access, have web cam chats with her. It feels more like you're seeing the person and they're not as far away.

 

Lastly you could suggest to her that you love her very much and want to be able to support her, but that it would be nice if she could pick one other friend/family member to get support from as well. If you're not the only one she goes through all the "what ifs" with, it might help you both.

[SassyKitten]

My bf and I have recently worked through this stage. It got a bit emotional when I pointed out to him that risk of failure comes with any relationship and that if he truly has a problem with that, then maybe he shouldn't date. That was a bit extreme, but now we are going out of our way to make a lot more effort to check in with each other and communicate so that when I do fly over to meet him, it won't feel like a 10-day long first date.

 

Really, it comes down to make her feel appreciated and desired. If you do that, I bet everything else will fall into place. Good luck!

[Enchanted Girl]

When she starts saying what ifs, say,"No matter what happens, we'll get through it together because we love each other and are meant to be. I'll always help you and be here for you through any difficulty."

 

She's scared and trying to find control in the relationship where she feels none. This is why she insists on having a plan for ever what if scenario.

 

I do what ifs when I feel terrified and like the relationship is spiraling out of my control and into bad directions.

[HeavenOrHell]

After my ex left me after 18 years I've been doing a few what ifs in my new relationship, my partner got upset though when he wanted to talk about our future and I said I couldn't look too far ahead cos no-one could say for sure what the future will bring, I didn't want to think about the future, or hear any stuff which might not come true. He thought this meant I wasn't committed, but I am. No-one can promise things will be ok, my ex said he'd never leave me again, but he did for the 3rd and final time. No-one can or should promise to be with someone forever, it's not realistic at all.

But I am learning to not worry about what will happen with me and my new partner and to enjoy things in the here and now, and IF things work out then maybe we'll love closer to each other one day.

[BBG]

I think that every girl who loves someone will be filled with "what if"s. We are just afraid that things might go wrong and it is true that no one knows what the future brings. We need a lot of assurance so yes.. communicating ALL THE TIME is the best way to assure her. You might want to try sending her mails. Although it might sound cheesy and old fashion but it's a great way to melt her heart when you're not around. Send her pictures of your silly moments when you're away. I bet that'll make her laugh

I told my boyfriend about a lot of "what if"s too. His best way to keep me calm is always a look straight into my eyes and say "You're just being silly". I know he means he loves me ;D

[nemi26]

wow you sound like my bf and i sound like your gf

[0hpenelope]

I hear you and her, bro. It's definitely much easier to dwell in the negative side of things because hoping and being let down is a worse crash than anticipating things will fail and when they do, at least you're sort of prepared for it. But we all know nothing truly prepares people for pain.

 

I consider myself a patient person, but this will be really tested when my long-distance relationship starts this week. I don't want to be afraid. "Snuggie" says he's not worried about it anymore even though just a few weeks ago, he worried because he's been in an LDR before that obviously didn't work out. But that was a different phase in his life and who he was as a freshman in college isn't the same person as he is now as a twenty-three year old in the first year of his master's program.

 

In any case, I'm just hear to lend you support in your choice to dwell on "I'm not worried" thoughts. Is there a way for you to tell her gently "I understand what you're feeling, but have you thought of how I feel when you tell me that you're scared of something that hasn't happened at all and I keep telling you not to worry?" Instead of investing energy on making the relationship work, she's investing her energy on feeding her imaginings and that's detrimental to any relationship.

 

I mean, even those who have their SOs nearby and accessible have their own set of problems. Some aren't even spared the "being cheated on" experience and they're "supposed to have it easier" because their SO is just right there.