Yet another "shall I tell the BS?" dilemma

[SidLyon]

D-day was October 2008.

 

At that time I discovered, and/or my H confessed to, one long-term A with an OW as well as some other very short-term infidelities (once-offs), and also the fact that my H had "met" some women from internet dating websites that had not progressed beyond meeting and then deciding not to go ahead.

 

Since then we have successfully been rebuilding our marriage and it's been good. Although we have ridden the infidelity roller-coaster the dips especially have been getting less.

 

I periodically look on Facebook and for the first time now I have discovered one of the married women (L) he just dated but never had an A with. They met twice for coffee and that's all - this was 7 years ago too. Both L and my H told each other they had previously been unfaithful but as there was no "spark" they didn't go ahead. On Facebook they look like a happy family with 2 beautiful young adult children and 2 gorgeous grandchildren who are just babies. I would guess that like my H and myself they are early to mid 50s in age.

 

I usually say the BS has a right to know and if she and my H had been sexual then I'd have no hesitation. Part of the problem is it's difficult for me to get all fired up about this particular woman who didn't actually have sex with my H when there was another that did.

 

Because of the time lapse I have no evidence although I have her name and also her e-mail addresses (both her work and a secret one). I know these e-mail addresses are no longer operative because I tried to e-mail her after d-day and they both bounced.

 

My H also told me the BH is a police officer and has a gun which worried him and me. Now I have his name, I have just checked and he IS a police officer which means he does have a gun. Here in Australia it is unusual for ordinary people to have access to guns.

 

My dilemma is do I tell the BH? For all I know he already knows. While there was no A with my H, her H was still betrayed as she was definitely going behind his back 7 years ago.

[alphamale]

My dilemma is do I tell the BH?

no you should not, especially if it is out of spite

[SidLyon]

no you should not, especially if it is out of spite

 

Thanks for this, as I said before:

 

"Part of the problem is it's difficult for me to get all fired up about this particular woman who didn't actually have sex with my H when there was another that did."

 

I really don't feel anything spiteful towards this woman because realistically she is/was the least of my worries. I admit having feelings of great animosity towards his long-term OW, but that is another story.

 

I realise people will say "yes" or "no" to my question, as you've done. I'm also hoping people can tell me why they think I should or shouldn't.

[2long]

for clarity:

 

1: You found this OW on *his* FB page? Or through a search?

 

2: Their "almost affair" was 7 years ago?

 

If she's not on his FB page and it was a long time ago, I'd just let this go.

 

-ol' 2long

[Enchanted Girl]

You don't have proof. Never tell someone that their spouse has or is cheating on them without proof. They won't believe you. People trust their spouses. They've known and loved them a long time. They don't trust strangers. It will just turn into her saying that you are crazy and making you look bad instead of her looking bad. It will accomplish nothing.

[SidLyon]

for clarity:

 

1: You found this OW on *his* FB page? Or through a search?

 

Not on his page - from a search on her name.

 

2: Their "almost affair" was 7 years ago?

 

Yes.

 

If she's not on his FB page and it was a long time ago, I'd just let this go.

 

I probably will - just wondering if there's any good reason to let him know.

 

-ol' 2long

 

my replies in bold

[SidLyon]

You don't have proof. Never tell someone that their spouse has or is cheating on them without proof. They won't believe you. People trust their spouses. They've known and loved them a long time. They don't trust strangers. It will just turn into her saying that you are crazy and making you look bad instead of her looking bad. It will accomplish nothing.

 

That is a concern of mine too. I have no evidence, and she did not have sex with my H anyway.

 

Still if it were me I would want to know.

[spriggig]

That is a concern of mine too. I have no evidence, and she did not have sex with my H anyway.

 

Still if it were me I would want to know.

 

Would you want to know exactly what you are able to tell him. No evidence, no sex and seven years ago?

 

I think you should let this go.

[Iconoclast]

Just look at it like a business transaction. Do a cost / benefit analysis.