How to cope with the aftermath of my intense EA?

[jenngem]

Great. But I'm still waiting for you to acknowledge that you agree that the OP is completely disrespecting her SO by continuing to conceal the truth about her relationship with her OM from her SO.

 

If you don't believe she should be truthful with her SO, do you think that does or does not show "respect"?

 

If "respect" is so important to you, why did you chastise another poster for supposedly not having it for OP, rather than chastise OP for not having it for her SO, which after all is the main issue, isn't it?

 

Sorry, I'm not going to allow you to dictate what I say to whom.

[jenngem]

You were responding to something innocuous/humorous by "LS Noob," after s/he told you he was just "exaggerating," you then again challenged him/her by posting the above.

 

When you tell another poster that he doesn't have "the right to speak" in a way which you disagreed with, based on your subjective characterization, then you most certainly ARE attempting to suppress his right to express himself.

 

Caught ya honey. And I'll bet you are a cheater too, since you're obviously not honest.

 

And he can write back and say he disagrees with me. As simple as that.

 

Haha no, I'm not a cheater. Sorry I don't fit into your stereotype.

[IfiKnewThen]

Hey careful your bitterness and unforgiving nature is showing. no wonder.....eh hem..... (fill in the blank)

 

judge not lest ye be judged.

 

beating one over the head like someone with a bat hitting a baby seal is NOT the answer.

 

guidance, constructive criticism .. those things work. otherwise YOU will be tune OUT. you can vent..you are obviously upset, but you are bordering obnoxious perhaps? rose..you are in the wrong section of the forum

[IfiKnewThen]

Yawns. Blah blah blah blah blah. you are the POT calling the kettle black when you speak of name calling so get over your ignorant self.

 

and what i meant was....(yawning again) you sound like someone ditched YOU and YOU ARE bITTER. maybe you were left for the OW. ...she wonders why.

 

You love to pick and pick and pick. you are a VERYYYYYYYYyyy sorry soul arent you. careful all your madness is showing. what you sound like----> this is why i am right..blah blah blah blah blah. rofl.

 

toodles

[jenngem]

I'm glad we finally got that settled. Everyone gets to speak their mind. Fair enough. No one dictates to you; and you don't dictate to anyone else. I can live with that.

 

 

 

 

Why would you be sorry about that? It's not my "stereotype" in any case; it's the way cheaters behave, including the OP. They don't tell the truth.

 

I'm curious as to why you are so invested in defending unfaithful behavior and untruthful behavior, going so far as to attack other posters (at least until called out on it). Ordinarily the people who respond as you did tend to be cheaters themselves, but I guess if you really honestly don't think you are, then you must mean that. On the other hand perhaps your mom, a sister, or a close friend that you indentify with was/is a cheater? One way or another, even if not a cheater yourself, you've clearly identified yourself with "the cheater's mentality." I'm just curious as to why you would take such a position. (obviously you don't "have" to answer if you don't want to, I'm just looking for a little insight into the mind of a non-cheater who would support cheating/dishonest behavior in someone else.)

 

VV, I have never defended or supported unfaithful behaviour and I have never defended or supported dishonesty - I really don't know where you take that from. I also have not attacked any posters. I said my opinion about his choice of words. That does not equal an attack. He responded and defended his choice of words. I think we both agree that this is 'business as usual' on these discussion forums.

 

I think your cheater category isn't helpful, which is why I categorically deny it. If you read my posts above, you will see that I went through an EA (and yes, I did disclose it all to my then partner, as part of addressing my unacceptable behaviour, and no you don't have to charge me for 'lying' over this, because my post about this EA appeared in this thread long before we started our exchange). Now, in your world, this (or the fact that someone in my family may have cheated at some point) instills me with a set of essential qualities - so that I can not learn from my mistake, and I can not change myself to the better - I will always, in your eyes, be a 'cheater', a doomed case. And this is what I take issue with. A lot of people (not all of course) come to this forum exactly because they are starting to realise the extent of what they are doing, they want to change their behaviour, and they want to improve. To do that, the starting point is complete honesty towards yourself first, and also to your partner. Rose isn't there, which I have stated quite clearly above in my posts to her and I have encouraged her to face the contradictions she displays in her posts which show that she isn't honest with herself. So, I don't understand how you think I condone dishonesty or a cheater's mentality.

[Janicee]

Your reminscence for this OM has undeniably undermined your full commitment to your SO. I wonder if the day comes that your OM flirts with you again out of blue and the romance is reignited, how would you not involved in this intensed EA again!

 

Just feel sorry for your husband who is all along being kept in the dark:o

[whichwayisup]

Oh good grief, you two have threadjacked this thread, made it go completely off topic. Let it go or take it to PM mode! Focus on helping Rose, the original poster who started this thread.

[2sunny]

Thank you. I may have seen this book advertised online.

 

The thing is, most of you are saying that it is still an EA. But it is not. It was one, and it evolved. Yes, I do still nurture romantic feelings from time to time... but they are nostalgic. The content of the friendship is not romantic anymore.

 

I am trying to get past the nostalgia, and I do believe that this would be an issue whether or not I had NC with him. I would still feel nostalgically romantic if we were not speaking... in fact I might even feel moreso than I do now, because I wouldn't have an alternate reality to deal with. His and my current friendship is that alternate reality.

 

We are not in touch every day, and sometimes we go weeks without real contact.

 

When we do have contact, it is contact like any friends would have. We talk about mundane as well as intellectual topics. But we don't exchange secrets. The e-mail exchanges are nothing extraordinary.

 

I don't see why we can't have a friendship like that. I don't think our situation fits so neatly into conventional categories. We are no longer intimate in our discussions, so it's not an EA anymore.

 

I do see your points about the danger of it becoming one again, and this alone would be a good reason to establish NC.

 

But I feel quite certain that's not going to happen. And if I felt he was coming onto me, I would cease contact.

 

apologies as i haven't read the whole thread... does your BF have a clear idea how close emotionally you are to this OM? if you have kept the "friendship" a secret - that is your first clue that this is NOT healthy for your relationship with your BF.

 

if the friendship takes away emotional energy that could be placed with your BF - then it's not healthy for your relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am in a long term relationship and I am deeply in love with my partner.

 

you are deeply in love with your partner, but developed "intense" feelings for another man? you really think thats "love"?

 

 

Due to my relationship, we decided to end the EA (even though we never called it that), but we have remained friends.

 

Sorry, but you should not be friends with any man you had these kind of feelings for. You disrespected your partner by having an EA behind his back, and you will continue to disrespect him if you remain friends with this guy. It doesn't matter if you bf knows about it or not.

 

If you do not want to secretly disrespect your bf, you lose this guy and go complete no contact.

 

 

And by now, we have actually met (two times), and he is in a serious relationship currently. We have actually spent considerable time in each others' presence, and had a great time together, as friends. No physical contact has ever occurred between us, other than hugs.

 

sorry, I don't believe that hugs was the only thing that happened if you have met him twice. yes, I know this is an anon forum, but I think you say this so that the responses are a bit less harsh.

 

but regardless, it doesn't change the opinions. you need to lose contact with him. This is not a friend and inappropriate to remain "friends" as long as you are in a committed relationship.

 

 

 

I have many complicated feelings about this man, and this is a source of great despair for me.

 

On the one hand, I have a great affection for him as a friend. He is a lot of fun and has many great qualities. We are actually good friends now.

 

then if you don't want to give up contact with him, then break up with your boyfriend as you do not respect him. As if having an EA was bad enough....the disrespect by you continues.

 

 

On the other hand, I feel resentment toward him because he knew I was in a long-term relationship when he and I carried on our EA.

 

excuse me?? You resent him because he knew you were in a LTR?

 

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AVAILABLE FOR HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!

 

you have got to be kidding us here

 

 

 

Even though I too am to blame for that, I feel very strongly that he should have had the fortitude to avoid getting involved with me romantically.

 

again, read above. why is he the only one that should have had "fortitude" here? you are excusing this away and putting the blame on him.

 

 

So at times I feel very angry toward him for that. I love my significant other very much and I feel I was disrespected by this OM.

 

only person disrespected in this scenario is your boyfriend. tell us something, what kind of respect do you think is owed to someone that will cheat on their significant other? respect is earned....you did not earn it since you betrayed your boyfriend willingly.

 

 

 

And then of course, I feel a lot of guilt about the EA. I love my significant other to the extremes and cannot believe I allowed myself to emotionally weaken to the point where I carried on with this OM. Even though it never got sexual... I did nurture sexual fantasies, and sometimes still do. Besides, an EA is a transgression in and of itself. I feel terrible for betraying my partner.

 

if this is all true, and I really don't see the love, then you need to ditch this OM COMPLETELY. no contact. Otherwise your words of "love" with regards to your significant are false.

 

 

So my questions are: Am I wrong to maintain a friendship with the OM?

 

absolutely

 

 

We are purely friends now

 

wrong

 

 

- any e-mail exchanges we have are very friendship-based. We even discuss our respective relationships. There is no romantic content, so I don't feel I am betraying my significant other in this way.

 

of course YOU don't think you are betraying him. tell ya what.....tell your significant other you had and EA, and see if he thinks its ok that you maintain contact with him......there would be your answer.

 

oh, but let me guess, you aren't going to do that.....are you?

 

 

But perhaps it is not fair to maintain this friendship given its past? If my significant other knew the whole story, I doubt he would favor my continuing the friendship.

 

BINGO!!!

 

 

But can our friendship survive if I do have these intermittent feelings of rage toward him for enabling me to fall into a romantic (albeit platonic) A with him?

 

ok, you said earlier that you have no romantic intent and you are just friends.

 

And the above statement falsifies that.

 

 

 

 

And am I being unreasonable in nurturing anger toward him for that?

 

YES

 

 

And can I ever get over the romantic feelings I sometimes feel toward the OM?

 

if you are going to be in a R with SO, you have to.

 

 

Are they merely nostalgic feelings, rooted in fantasy, or are they real and what is the impetus for them? Am I still betraying my significant other in occasionally still nurturing these feelings?

 

yes. Because we aren't talking about mere fantasizing here with some insignificant person. we are talking about someone you have met, are still in contact with, and don't want to let go of.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know if I would characterize it as an EA at this point, since my feelings are mostly friendship-based. I think the romantic feelings that arise simply do because of nostalgia.

 

Mostly?

 

either you have romantic feelings for him, or you don't. But we all know that you do. hence, this is not merely just a "friend", nor will he ever be just that to you.

 

you are in serious denial.

[2sure]

Has he ever told you he also had romantic feelings or sexual fantasies about you? Has he ever told you that for him this relationship was anything other than platonic or that if you had been single it would be different for him? Does he know you feel this way about him?

 

Were you angry at him for leading you on before he had a SO of his own?

 

Either way, if you want to continue and better the relationship you already have with your BF...you need to stop this friendship - it is not platonic for you even though it is for your friend.

[jenngem]

Oh good grief, you two have threadjacked this thread, made it go completely off topic. Let it go or take it to PM mode! Focus on helping Rose, the original poster who started this thread.

 

You are right, my apologies.

 

Rose actually signed out of the thread a long time ago (she wrote this explicitly in her last post), due to what she perceived as a lot of negative/ not helpful feedback.

[Tony]

You are right, my apologies.

 

Rose actually signed out of the thread a long time ago (she wrote this explicitly in her last post), due to what she perceived as a lot of negative/ not helpful feedback.

 

And that is terribly sad, considering that so many people latch onto a thread to promote their own off topic agenda while some person sorely needs advice pertaining to their unique situation. I'm truly sorry this happens but some things will never change.

 

Thread CLOSED!