dazedandconfused Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 My ex broke up with me at the beginning of the summer, and in my mind, I am in no wrong here. We had many ups and downs, but we truly loved eachother. We were eachothers first everything... and dated a very long time. Ever since the breakup he has been very bitter and mean to me-- he goes out of his way to be mean and every chance he gets he puts me down, makes up lies about me, or talks behind my back. I wrote him a letter a few months ago asking him to please stop, but this still continues. I am still in love with him, but he has a new girlfriend, so we're not even speaking. I hear that he talks behind my back badly all the time. Whenever someone mentions my name he automatically says something cruel about me. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I gave him total space... whats going on? We are not on good enough terms to talk it over. Why is he doing this? What have I done to him? and how could he get over me so quickly while I'm still hurting so badly? I don't understand this at all... please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
cecelia Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 People will walk all over us if we let them. It might be time to consider detatching from your ex. sounds like he has hurt you enough. remember love is a choice as well as a chemical reaction. You can choose to not love him and see how that feels. In a week or so you can go back to feeling like you do now if you want. ou have the power to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 You know what? He can say what ever he wants about you. You know the truth. Your friends know the truth, and anyone that believes the crap that he says about you, you don't need them in your life anyway. Next time someone comes up to you and says "He said blah blah blah about you." Just shrug your shoulders and say "What ever!" and brush it off. The more you let this bother you the more he his going to do this. As for why he is doing this... who knows..... maybe mentally he hasn't graduated grade school yet. Anyways just ignore it. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 You've got me on this one. If he broke up with you, I can't understand why he would have any animosity towards you! Don't take that crap from him and if he is gonna spread rumors about you, you spread rumors about him. Tell everyone that he has a small d!ck or that he is lousy in bed! Tell his lady friends that he has crabs! In some cases, two wrongs do make a right! If it's right for you and makes you feel better, do it! ~V Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 I'm with Carla, not with that s*ck f*ck Vivid (Viv, ya know we luv ya!) Don't get down in the gutter and spread lies. Let your character speak for itself. If you hear about something rotten, and hold your head up, you'll look like the confident winner you are. As Carla said, your friends know the truth, your enemies will always believe the worst, and people who don't know you will take your ex's bitter lies with a grain of salt. I hope you're not still in high school, because that's the worst kind of environment to combat this in. But you can still prevail. Be strong, and get him out of your head. Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 I am still in high school unfortunately, and it's hard enough being in a small school and seeing him everyhour with his new girl and on TOP OF IT hearing how he hates me and whatnot... I don't understand how he doesn't feel like absolute crap for everything he's put me through. It seems as if things are going not so hot for me and he's on top of the world. I guess what goes around comes around, but its been going around for about five months now... Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 Cecelia- Thank you!! I am not choosing to love him. I HATE loving him. I HATE caring about him. I cannot help it contrary to what some may think. I keep my feelings to myself, don't worry I'm not letting anyone know I think about him... It's just getting hard. Why can't he even be my friend? the a**h***... Link to post Share on other sites
cecelia Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 Yes, sweetie, I see what you are saying and yes, it is frustrating when someone we love chooses not to return that love. You deserve respect however, even if he isn't willing to love you. What I meant by detatching is not really stop loving him, that was just a bad way to say it. What I mean is trying a new way to think of him, like, the person that is disrespecting you. Sometimes we allow people to hurt us because of how we feel about them. If he were someone you didn't have romantic feelings for , chances are, you wouldn't be as affected by what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 If you want to see the basis of our breakup, it's in a previous post of mine. Anywho... does anyone have any shot in the dark as to why he won't stop talking badly about me?? This is all so confusing! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 His motivation could be guilt, or anger at himself which is being directed outward. Fundamentally, though, you shouldn't even be wondering about his motivation. Just think about yourself and being the best you can be. And you know, once you get out of high school, stuff like this doesn't happen anymore. I sometimes think HS is the cruellest possible crucible for the developing human soul. Also, maybe next time you can move slower so you have a chance to know the fellow's character before you put yourself in a position to be slandered by him. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 I sometimes think HS is the cruellest possible crucible for the developing human soul. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 i DID move slow. We've dated on and off for five years and dated consecutively for about two.... oh well, people change....... right?? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I never get the quote exactly right, but this is one of my favorite movie lines, from The Spanish Prisoner: "they will be cruel to you because they feel guilty." I think that's how a lot of emotionally immature people deal with difficult emotions. Just torch it, destroy it -- then it can't eat away at you. He may also be bad-mouthing you to please the new gf. If she feels insecure about how he feels about her because she knows he once loved you, she might explicitly or implicitly require/encourage him to put you down. You know how jealous girls can be about other girls, and not just when it comes to boyfriends. Five or six years ago you might have experienced the same thing with a former best friend who had taken up with a new group of girls. Remember what junior high was like? If high school is bad, I think junior high is worse -- at least you're finished with that! I agree with all those who say take the high road. Let this stuff roll off you like water off a duck's back. And look at what this reveals about your ex: he's capable of being needlessly nasty and he's probably more stupid than you thought he was. I'd put my money on this having at least something to do with the new gf, which means your dear old ex is a bit of a dunderhead who is easily manipulated by others. I think you implied that he lost his virginity with you (and you with him)? That'll have new gf biting her nails because you know the saying, "you never forget your first love." By the way, that's a bit of a cliche. It doesn't matter whether or not you forget previous loves. One should never entirely forget someone they loved -- what meaning would life have? But only an insecure person would feel like they were in direct competition with memories. Of course the fact that you're still in love with him would add to her insecurity -- and in that she would be justified. Cecelia and others have advised you to detach yourself from your ex, and I think that's the right thing to do for your own happiness. 1) in so doing you will start to heal from the break-up and be open to meeting someone new, and 2) you will not raise ire and jealousy (and fear) in the new girlfriend. Don't try to be his friend. Don't try to communicate with him. Don't look to him to help you heal from the break-up. You've got to get over it by yourself. That's part of breaking up, I'm afraid. And that's what friends are for (which is why you should NEVER neglect friendships just because you're dating someone!). It's not just removing the romantic element from a relationship, so that friendship will remain. It's completely dismantling the relationship. No matter how painful, mysterious and wrong the break-up might seem to you, you must accept it, and accept that he's under no obligation to you now. Really, he's not. Good luck. It will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 [color=red]"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."[/color] James Arthur Baldwin Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 i DID move slow. We've dated on and off for five years and dated consecutively for about two.... OK, you're right, that was not whirlwind. People do change, but not fundamentally. Did you feel that before he would never have spoken bad of a person? Is he the type for whom it's natural to criticize those who are out of his life? He's scared too...like Midori said. But WAIT, what am I saying? We can armchair analyze this guy til the cows come home, but it's really quite pointless. The only head you should be worrying about is your own. Decide to believe whatever makes it easiest for YOU. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by dazedandconfused My ex broke up with me at the beginning of the summer, and in my mind, I am in no wrong here. We had many ups and downs, but we truly loved eachother. We were eachothers first everything... and dated a very long time. Ever since the breakup he has been very bitter and mean to me-- he goes out of his way to be mean and every chance he gets he puts me down, makes up lies about me, or talks behind my back. I wrote him a letter a few months ago asking him to please stop, but this still continues. I am still in love with him, but he has a new girlfriend, so we're not even speaking. I hear that he talks behind my back badly all the time. Whenever someone mentions my name he automatically says something cruel about me. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I gave him total space... whats going on? We are not on good enough terms to talk it over. Why is he doing this? What have I done to him? and how could he get over me so quickly while I'm still hurting so badly? I don't understand this at all... please help me. Distance yourself from him. Give him more space. Stop all communication with him, whatever form it might be in (email, notes, phone calls, person to person, messages delivered via friends, etc.) Save any phone messages you receive from him, or through friends claiming he was the originator of the message. Do the same with notes and email. If this gets worse or does not stop after you have done this and made it clear you want no communication, bring your evidence to the police. Maybe a little warning will get him to stop. Of course he might say you're psycho for taking it that far, but that will only be his fault. I hope it doesn't lead up to this, and I know you probably haven't even considered doing such a thing. Just be prepared if it gets worse. At this stage distancing yourself may be the best thing. Just stay far, far away and know that decent people really will not believe what he has to say. I've had a fair share of nasty things said of me, too. If they aren't true people will find out Hope keeping him far away will be enough to have him get bored and grow up. But remember since he is an ex of yours, depending on your age you can get the police involved if he gets worse. Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 It's so hard... I just don't know how he got over me so easily and why things are going so great for him. All I want is the satisfaction of knowing that he wants me back and I wont take him. Everyone said he would come around... but look---he DIDNT. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 I had to reply... I don't know that his wanting you back, and you not wanting him would give you as much satisfaction as you think. Perhaps what you really want is him back, period. But... how could you ever trust someone that stomped upon your heart? Kind hearts never take well to being unkind. What might give you satisfaction is knowing you were a great partner in a world where they are sometimes so hard to find. As they say, Living Well is the Best Revenge. I don't believe everyone is emotionally healthy... I doubt he is. But you can be. And it will all fall into place one day. You'll find someone new once you truly come to terms with this. Link to post Share on other sites
cecelia Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 you are getting alot of good input. Do you have any spiritual beliefs that might help? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Well....you can take the high road......and ride it out. OR.....you can embarass the crap back out of him! Surely you can think of SOMETHING which he doesn't want spread around..... If you don't have something....make up something. I work on a military base. Those guys LOVE to make up crap.....but they don't on ME.....cause they are afraid! I had a guy once say he slept with me...and he DIDN'T! I started laughing when I heard it.....said he was "Mr. Two Minute Miracle".....he SHUT UP real quick! No...it's not the mature way....but sometimes you've got to fight fire with fire. ........... I have 'Vivvy Syndrome'......... Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 WHAT IS GOING ON? One of my guy's close friends told me last night that he thinks my ex still loves me but is trying to disguise it by saying he hates me. I haven't said anything to him about me having feelings for him whatsoever. When they are together he says my ex always says " I hate her... I just do." and acts jealous when he hears about me and other guys. Also--he looks at me a lot and trys getting my attention. What is up with him? I havent done a thing... and his girlfriend is GROSE Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess No...it's not the mature way....but sometimes you've got to fight fire with fire. .......... I have 'Vivvy Syndrome'......... Thank goodness, there is someone out there whose views and beliefs, mirror mine. I thought I was the only one. ~B --- We need to get some beer and chicken wings, get sh*tfaced and shoot the breeze! ~V Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Link to post Share on other sites
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