Was this rude

[thatguy100]

I am just curious because recently I have been talking to an ex of mine and well its just every time I joke around about sometimes she says it is a very rude comment or that I try way to hard to be funny when I am around her. When I know she is occupied with other stuff, I said "I can tell that you are busy ... so I am going to get going now", she went off and said "You are so rude for even saying that I am not talking to go, go and leave and do what you want, or stay and talk to me, but that was very rude of you". Personally I do see that it can be taken in a rude way, but I was just tired when telling her that and still don't really see anything overly wrong with it. I was just wondering if people think that is out of line or rude or if I should try to do anything to make her feel better?

[Ronni_W]

Maybe she was put off that you guessed/assumed, and then turned it into a fact/HER truth.

It's always safer to ask people where they are/what they need. "Are you busy?" or "You sound distracted, do you need to go?" Something like that.

 

I also don't like it when people take it upon themselves to decide for me what I need/want, or am thinking or feeling. I wouldn't call it "rude", but when somebody habitually does that to others it can lead to arrogance (if they'll start arguing that THEY guessed/assumed right, meaning that I'm either [a] lying about it, or don't actually know what *I* need/want, or am thinking or feeling.)

 

If that makes any sense?

[Feelin Frisky]

The hell with her. She's your ex.

[thatguy100]

I have to say Ronni, I agree, I did come a bit harsh off on her. How can I patch it up between us or even if I am able to? Or should I just let it be for a bit, I did send her an email with a funny link, well she said she had seen it before but to thank me for the thought.

[Odyssey]

never assume as if fact... just tell her what you wrote here, if she's reasonable, she will understand. Most things are just a misunderstanding.

[Enchanted Girl]

Humor is something that people use to lighten the conversation. It sounds like you are using it for that purpose. Just tell her that when you do it, you're trying to make her laugh, brighten her day, or make the conversation light because that's what it sounds like you use it for.

 

My boyfriend actually sometimes uses humor when him and I are having an argument. This annoys most people, but I usually don't take it personally. He's subconciously trying to make the situation less stressful for both of us.

[Ronni_W]

tg100,

I agree that humour is a useful communications tool, but it has it's time and place. I also don't advocate ignoring a situation (leaving it for a bit) when what is needed is a real conversation.

 

I would suggest that you could "come clean": Take responsibility for your own mistakes; tell her that you realize the error in guessing/assuming on her behalf, instead of respecting her enough to ask and let her tell you her own truths.

 

If you were "harsh" with her because you decided that she was busy and wouldn't allow her to tell you differently, then tell her that you're going to stop doing stuff like that. (Make a commitment to yourself to just stop.)

 

If you were "harsh" with her because she actually was busy and you, for some reason, think-believe that she "should always" make YOU her number one priority, then tell her that you're definitely going to stop that mental error. (And also make a self-commitment to just stop.)

 

You don't have any control over how she will 'receive' what you tell her. She may decide that things are "patched up"...or she may not. Just do YOUR best to patch things up, so you'll at least feel good about that. Don't be invested in her response/reactions, or in any other outcomes over which you do not have 100% control.

[whichwayisup]

I am just curious because recently I have been talking to an ex of mine and well its just every time I joke around about sometimes she says it is a very rude comment or that I try way to hard to be funny when I am around her. When I know she is occupied with other stuff, I said "I can tell that you are busy ... so I am going to get going now", she went off and said "You are so rude for even saying that I am not talking to go, go and leave and do what you want, or stay and talk to me, but that was very rude of you". Personally I do see that it can be taken in a rude way, but I was just tired when telling her that and still don't really see anything overly wrong with it. I was just wondering if people think that is out of line or rude or if I should try to do anything to make her feel better?

 

She's your ex for a reason. Why are you still friends with her? Think about it. What good does she actually bring into your life?

 

Don't do anything. Just back off and let things die on their own..

[thatguy100]

I have to say thank you Ronni for your advice, I will try this. But I did forget to tell you the time frame of everything. Me and her were talking for about 25 mins about life and stuff, then she said she was busy with something so I didn't say much. It was about 30 mins since she had last sent me something and well I was watching TV so I sent her a question asking how one of her activities she had been telling me about going. She didn't respond for 7 - 10 mins. So then I said that since I decided that I needed to go to the gym since I had not gone in about 8 days. Does that really change anything? Sorry I forgot to tell you guys that.

[thatguy100]

But I didn't want to be number 1 priority, actually I don't mind. I was just stating a fact we hadn't really spoken for a while and well I thought she was busy and well I didn't feel like sitting around doing nothing because she was doing something so I wanted to go to the gym basically.

[Ronni_W]

Me and her were talking for about 25 mins about life and stuff, then she said she was busy with something so I didn't say much. It was about 30 mins since she had last sent me something and well I was watching TV so I sent her a question asking how one of her activities she had been telling me about going. She didn't respond for 7 - 10 mins.

tg,

I'm sorry but I'm too old to even imagine that! In my day, communicating with people actually meant giving each other our undivided attention for some amount of time -- 2 minutes, 8 hours, whatever. (I get that you young'uns are doing it differently...but maybe how you (your generation) are doing it is also contributing to misinterpretations and hurt/upset feelings?)

 

In any event. After chit-chatting with you for about 25 minutes, she TOLD you that she was busy. Had you been paying attention, you would not have sent her another message/question 30 minutes later. In future, you might want to consider just saying "Okay. Great catching up. Good bye," whenever and to whomever tells you that they are busy.

 

I'm still not getting why you got "harsh" with her...but it doesn't really matter. I would say that it was your failure to hear what she told you (that she was busy), that led to the problem. Also, IMO, this idea that it's okay to distract one's self watching TV or whatever, while also trying to engage in a conversation with a friend, relative, colleague or ex. To me, that's just uncool...but like I said, I get if that's just my old-school way of thinking.

[thatguy100]

Well she enanged me to talk to me, so i expected if she wanted to talk to me about something but didn't. Yeah she was busy, but she was playing a game (to be honest), I was not really watching T.V I was just glancing at a sports channel getting up dates since I have been so out of the sports loop as of late. But I do agree its kinda rude, but at the same time its IM. I don't believe that I am harsh saying "I can tell that you are busy" when she actually is, she can just say "Yeah sorry, but maybe some other time we can talk more". I am not trying to shift the blame or anything, but she could have reacted differently as well. She did hurt me deeply to the point of total numbness, I just guess I am disappointed in my ex girlfriend. And I have been for a while, about 8 months or so. I just don't understand why I am so disappointed in her and why I am not happy to even remain friends, when I know I do care for her.

[stillafool]

I am just curious because recently I have been talking to an ex of mine and well its just every time I joke around about sometimes she says it is a very rude comment or that I try way to hard to be funny when I am around her. When I know she is occupied with other stuff, I said "I can tell that you are busy ... so I am going to get going now", she went off and said "You are so rude for even saying that I am not talking to go, go and leave and do what you want, or stay and talk to me, but that was very rude of you". Personally I do see that it can be taken in a rude way, but I was just tired when telling her that and still don't really see anything overly wrong with it. I was just wondering if people think that is out of line or rude or if I should try to do anything to make her feel better?

 

 

She's your ex for a reason. If I were you I would move on and not even try to be friends with her. Who wants to walk on eggshells?

[Ronni_W]

tg,

you're mixing up a whole bunch of stuff in your head.

SHE told you that she was busy. That's when you should have disconnected from the IM. But SHE told you that she was busy, so what was YOUR goal when you said, "I can tell that you're busy" -- like you didn't already know that.

 

In the particular instance, your feelings of being "hurt to point of total numbness" are totally inappropriate. There is no valid reason for those kinds of feelings. She also does NOT owe you anything.

 

You also do not have any right or entitlement to feel "disappointed" by an ex (or anybody else, for that matter) just because they want to do something OTHER than sit around and respond to you within seconds of your IM'ing them. PLUS she was busy...but that's not the point of this paragraph. Even if, at that time, she wanted to give priority to playing her game, she had the absolute right to do that. YOU don't get to judge what is or "should be" less or more important FOR HER. YOU don't get to say, "Well, she coulda said this" or "She shoulda done that."

 

If you cannot get it straight in your head that this girl is now just like one of your guy friends, then you've got to start questioning YOUR OWN wisdom of trying to make this work as a "friendship".

If you're still expecting MORE from her than you do from any of your guy friends...then you do have a problem that is internal to you (it has nothing to do with her, and she can't help you resolve it.)

 

FYI. I'm leaving for an internet-free vacation in a couple of hours, so this is pro'ly my last post for the time-being.

 

Best of luck with sorting things out in your head -- kinda starting to sound like that's where most of your problems are living, innit?

Edited July 19, 2010 by Ronni_W

[lso802]

She sounds uptight to me.

[thatguy100]

Ronni, I need to say, I guess I can't communicate as well as I do when I am in person. I asked all my guy friends, 10 of them actually because I became concered that I was a bit harsh or that I was very rude and mean. She didn't really say she was busy, honestly she said "I am playing a game". Now I am not disappointed in her because she is not responding to me every minute, honestly I am disappointed in her because she can't look any further then her nose. It started with her complaining that she didn't know what to get me for my birthday, then saying how a guy who bought her chocolates was so romantic (And admitting she did this to make me jealous). She wanted to get me as jealous as possible and she admits that she found it odd that I wouldn't get jealous. I never told her because I just found it a waist of breath (Since she openly admitted this after we broke up), but for me if I feel that some one is trying to get me jealous I get hurt and/or disappointed in them.

[Ronni_W]

, but for me if I feel that some one is trying to get me jealous I get hurt and/or disappointed in them.

Hey tg.

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

It may help for you to remember that no matter what the situation you're facing, you have the entire spectrum of feelings from which to choose. In this case, you're CHOOSING to feel hurt and/or disappointed even though you can choose to feel something else. Like amused, or incredulous, or mystified, or sorry for her cos she's so silly, or anything else. Or even, you can choose to feel nothing at all -- like you'd feel if there was a persistent fly that kept bothering you.

 

So, you gotta ask yourself, what INSIDE OF YOU is prompting you to choose "hurt and/or disappointed" just cos she's acting silly?

[thatguy100]

I have to say, that I might be choosing an old emotion of love which I had for her. I had taken time away from these websites and even posting and reading advice just to clear my head from everything. I realize that deep down in my heart I will always have these small emotions for her. I have gone out on "dates" for say with other women, and have been hanging around with other people over this period of time and that is what I have come to. I try to not care or so emotion as best as I can, but I usually end up back at the same spot I was a month ago. Even not talking to her does not help, I go a month with out talking to her and either I will get a text from her asking if we would like to meet up for coffee or I would do the same. I know she is trying to be friendly, she even told me she has always enjoyed spending time with me and that she hopes we can remain friends for the next few year's, and for me I enjoy spending time with her, even if its as simple as a walk or going to coffee. Like it feels like I am getting stringed a long, but I think I am just over reacting when I think that. But I hope I have answered your question.

[Ronni_W]

TG,

The fact that she wants to, and can be on friendly terms with you just means that she is over you. You are not there, yet. You are still harbouring love feelings for her, and hopes that you can revive a romantic relationship with her. It's YOUR OWN unrealistic hopes and unwillingness to accept reality that are causing your feelings of hurt and disappointment.

 

It comes across that you KNOW you are fooling yourself. Which also means that you're actually just stringing yourself along. Every time you "cave in" and contact her or respond to her text or agree to get together with her, you are hurting and disappointing yourself. When you feel hurt, upset, frustrated, etc., you need to remind yourself that it's NOT her doing it to you but you doing it to yourself.

 

If you want to get over this old relationship, it will take some determined and dedicated effort on your part. You must be strong and self-disciplined when it comes to 'no contact'. Because you are having such a rough time getting over her, you just have to go strict 'no contact'. Period. (Ignore future birthdays, Christmases, New Years', etc., etc.)

 

It's totally irrelevant that you enjoy each other's company, she wants to be friendly, she keeps texting you, etc., whatever. THOSE are precisely the temptations (your potential "sins") that you must overcome in order to stop hurting and disappointing yourself. Put another way, those are just your pointless, BS excuses that you're using to stay weak, undisciplined and ineffective in your own life.

 

tg., *IF* you want to get your life back, then you have to go permanent 'no contact'. You have to do it for yourself, because every time you "cave in" and contact her or respond to her text or agree to get together with her you are hurting and disappointing yourself. You have to go 100% 'no contact' forever. Stop dicking around with yourself and stop stringing yourself along, yes?

 

Regardless of what you actually decide to do, you must stop blaming and resenting her; she is not doing ANYTHING that you should not be expecting. It's YOUR OWN unrealistic hopes and unwillingness to accept reality that are causing your feelings of hurt and disappointment.

 

Breaking up is always painful, exhausting and depleting. But you're making it about a million times worse for yourself. You're doing it to yourself. You can come up with a dozen or a hundred more "reasons" why you "should" continue to communicate and/or hang-out with her...it'll all still just be your own BS excuses that you're using to consistently and persistently hurt and disappoint yourself.

 

Hugs. I wish for you that you will start to become a more dedicated, caring and compassionate friend and ally for your Self.