unconventional relationship

[U2RockZz]

you have been not only fooled but also cuckolded by your own wife....what kind of mindless arrangement is this...you need a permission to call your own wife...now she has best of both worlds one is gr8 sex or whatever with this guy and one safety net(i would call spineless) guy at home.....

 

do you really think if push come to shove she is going to choose you....if she chooses you it's definitely not out of love....probably cuz of safety....you will be in deep s*** if you do not think now(probably you already are)....act before they f*ck you over for good....they might have already planned this...and your possible future....anyways where is your self respect.....

 

if you wanted to know full truth put a key logger to your system and voice activated recorder in your home ,cars....and install a flexispy pro X in her mobile....if you think she is having NC with her lover(3 days) you must be the dumbest ever....

 

was she giving you 4days of sex before this arrangement....i don't think so.....she is giving you this sex just cuz to keep you mum....if there is anyone benefited out of this situation it is definitely not you....he is getting the sex for three days with out any price tag...she is getting two guys in one week with out loosing her M.....where as you are deprived of your W for 3 days....stop thinking with d*ck and heart , start thinnking with your brain

 

consult a lawyer before they f*ck you over financially ....you need a doctor for STDs(i don't think this guy exclusive with your wife either).....where is your selfrespect

[TaraMaiden]

TM, how old were they?

 

Twenty-one and thirteen.

 

Just to give you further insight, the eldest couldn't understand the reasoning, although recently, she admitted to me, Mamma, I get why you guys spilt up, and I don't blame you"

 

And the youngest, amid floods of tears, while still crying, asked me for a new mobile phone and DVD player.

 

I'm sorry....I can't prove any of this, and I realise it sounds biased, but I swear, each scenario is as it happened.

Edited July 26, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[vodkafan]

you have been not only fooled but also cuckolded by your own wife....what kind of mindless arrangement is this...you need a permission to call your own wife...now she has best of both worlds one is gr8 sex or whatever with this guy and one safety net(i would call spineless) guy at home.....

 

do you really think if push come to shove she is going to choose you....if she chooses you it's definitely not out of love....probably cuz of safety....you will be in deep s*** if you do not think now(probably you already are)....act before they f*ck you over for good....they might have already planned this...and your possible future....anyways where is your self respect.....

 

if you wanted to know full truth put a key logger to your system and voice activated recorder in your home ,cars....and install a flexispy pro X in her mobile....if you think she is having NC with her lover(3 days) you must be the dumbest ever....

 

was she giving you 4days of sex before this arrangement....i don't think so.....she is giving you this sex just cuz to keep you mum....if there is anyone benefited out of this situation it is definitely not you....he is getting the sex for three days with out any price tag...she is getting two guys in one week with out loosing her M.....where as you are deprived of your W for 3 days....stop thinking with d*ck and heart , start thinnking with your brain

 

consult a lawyer before they f*ck you over financially ....you need a doctor for STDs(i don't think this guy exclusive with your wife either).....where is your selfrespect

 

Strong words U2RockZz.....I am neither mindless nor spineless, and I have plenty of self respect. You don't know me, or my wife.

One of the things my wife loves about me is that I can think outside the box. Because I can think outside the box I am still married, I have my children happy, I sleep with my wife instead of sitting alone at night in a rented room thinking where it all went wrong and having dates with my lawyer.

My wife is not faking anything. Believe me this arrangement intensifies the feelings we have for each other. She could not fake this for 4 straight days week in week out. She is too basically honest.

I don't have half a wife. It is a full marriage. I would say some things in our marriage have got better. There is no power struggle over sex. She gives herself completely.

When one of us talks now the other listens.

[vodkafan]

I showed my wife this thread last night and we went through all the replies together.

We both agreed that we feel we don't fit with the polyamory model, even though some of the points raised on Franklin's site are useful.

We are not open in the sense that anybody could potentially come in or out over time.

We identify with the polyandry model.

We noticed that most of the male replies are hostile and negative (afraid?) while most of the female replies are more supportive.

We wondered how many women would in fact like to try this for themselves if given a chance.

When I set down the rules 2 weeks ago I thought it was the only way forward for us to fix our broken marriage.

I now think we have broken through into something better, we have seen benefits. I now believe 100% in what we are doing.

[xxoo]

We noticed that most of the male replies are hostile and negative (afraid?) while most of the female replies are more supportive.

We wondered how many women would in fact like to try this for themselves if given a chance.

 

To the bolded--for many reasons, no, thanks

 

As for the male responses being more hostile, it might be hostile female responses if the roles were reversed. To each his own, but it is difficult for many of us to imagine being ok with parenting alone for 3 days a week while your spouse is honeymooning with a new partner. Gotta admit, I couldn't do it without being terribly resentful. I think I'd be a vodka fan, too!

 

One thing to keep in mind--it is normal for sexual interest to surge when involved with a new partner, sometimes including sexual interest in "old" partners. It is a spill-over effect of NRE (new relationship energy). Time will tell if the change in your sexual relationship is permanent, or if old patterns will return when the newness wears off.

[U2RockZz]

see...if you are swingers or like OP said polyamory....then i wouldn't have written anything.....

 

when you came to this site...you didn't even know whether it's workable situtaion or not....now you are not only convinced yourself that you have best and idle situation/M(if that can be called one).....but also trying to convince everyone in here ....

 

you are the one with the blinders not us....if you are so happy with your situation then WTF is your issue.....come back when you have a problem

 

 

"I have plenty of self respect"

i don't think kissing my gf to her lover home for 3days would do any good for my self respect.....unless i have 0 selfrespect.....

 

" I can think outside the box"

ya......your out of the box thinking actually added more complications to already screwed up situation.....

 

now don't take this as offensive....sharing this site with your W is the foolish thing you could ever do.....now you have given means to cover her tracks....anyways what is the thing that you smoke....

Edited July 27, 2010 by U2RockZz

[vodkafan]

see...if you are swingers or like OP said polyamory....then i wouldn't have written anything.....

 

when you came to this site...you didn't even know whether it's workable situtaion or not....now you are not only convinced yourself that you have best and idle situation/M(if that can be called one).....but also trying to convince everyone in here ....

 

you are the one with the blinders not us....if you are so happy with your situation then WTF is your issue.....come back when you have a problem

"

ya......your out of the box thinking actually added more complications to already screwed up situation.....

 

now don't take this as offensive....sharing this site with your W is the foolish thing you could ever do.....now you have given means to cover her tracks....anyways what is the thing that you smoke....

 

I am the OP, I didn't know the word Polyamory until it was told to me.....

Hey, this is a forum, I will come on here as I please whether I have a problem or not; you don't have to read my posts, others may be interested.

"means to cover her tracks".....? Not understanding what you mean.

 

Something I have learned...you can marry and live with someone for 5 years or 50 years, that doesn't mean that you own them. Nobody owns anybody, ever. You share the time together that you have and make it the best you can, for tomorrow you could be dead or whatever.

[sally4sara]

Words

 

How is your relationship going for you? If you were posting about it and not in a weepy mess of panic over the state of YOUR relationship, how helpful would it be to you for another poster to insult your choices and the decisions you feel are working for you?

 

The OP is not advocating his relationship style to be the best option for everyone. He is not saying everyone should do what he and his wife are doing. Most importantly, he is not telling YOU what you should do in your life, what YOU should care about, or what kind of relationship would best serve YOU. Why do you keep railing against him and trying to convince him to live as you would?

[sally4sara]

Vodkafan,

 

Have the two of you had any discussions as to how the third person will factor into family decisions? What if the two of you need to move? What will be appropriate during holidays if they fall on his days? Will there be a need for you to establish a familial connection? Will he ever know the children?

 

Just some things to think about.....I truly am curious how far reaching her relationship with him will be allowed to grow.

[Woggle]

I don't mean to be rude, but you posted looking for opinions... so here is mine.

 

You're a chump!

 

You're getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. You work full-time are a full-time father, while she abandons the family for half the week to fcvk another man? WTF? Why are you ok with this? The sheer inequality of the situation would enrage me.

 

You didn't want to ruin her QT with him, so you took off work to deal with an emergency involving your children???

 

Why do you feel she's entitled to have her cake and eat it?

 

All of us experience desire for other people... it doesn't mean it's our right to pursue everyone we feel "love" for.

 

 

The only woman in here who made any sense. It seems that the OP is content being a doormat and when his wife loses all respect for him and leaves him I hope he is not shocked.

[sally4sara]

The only woman in here who made any sense. It seems that the OP is content being a doormat and when his wife loses all respect for him and leaves him I hope he is not shocked.

 

Woggle,

 

What if someone came and told you that you were a chump for:

Your wife making part of the money.

That you feared a woman enough to need a prenup.

That your wife doesn't always cook your meals and serve them to you before she eats her own portion.

 

Would they be right? Would you then feel you should have things that way?

 

I'll admit that I could not be happy living the arrangement the OP has with his wife. I can also see that not everyone would be made happy living by my relationship standards either.

[Woggle]

Woggle,

 

What if someone came and told you that you were a chump for:

Your wife making part of the money.

That you feared a woman enough to need a prenup.

That your wife doesn't always cook your meals and serve them to you before she eats her own portion.

 

Would they be right? Would you then feel you should have things that way?

 

I'll admit that I could not be happy living the arrangement the OP has with his wife. I can also see that not everyone would be made happy living by my relationship standards either.

 

He is a chump for agreeing to something he does not want to do. He is pretty much letting her cheat in order to save the marriage and chances are she will lose complete respect and attraction for him because of this. This is a time where a man needs to put his foot down and tell her no or the marriage is over. I believe a marriage can't work unless a man is willing to walk away if not treat right and he would rather be cheated on than by alone.

[sally4sara]

He is a chump for agreeing to something he does not want to do. He is pretty much letting her cheat in order to save the marriage and chances are she will lose complete respect and attraction for him because of this. This is a time where a man needs to put his foot down and tell her no or the marriage is over. I believe a marriage can't work unless a man is willing to walk away if not treat right and he would rather be cheated on than by alone.

 

I don't see it as a thing a man has to do - the putting down of a foot so to speak. Anyone, when presented with a new circumstance has the moment of choice. Accept it and roll with it, or call it quits should their wishes not be considered. It is not a man/woman thing, but a personal choice of what to do. He has chosen this course of action and so far, doesn't seem terribly down over it. Maybe it will work to the benefit of all. Maybe it will blow up. Who is to say?

 

A smart person looks for their own happiness, but a wise one will wait, and look for a way for everyone to be happy if possible. Maybe this relationship style will be a happy one for all. If the OP blew up as a knee jerk reaction and never examined it - he would never find out. Would that be right?

[Woggle]

I have yet to see an example of a man doing this and having it turn out well. Attraction is closely linked to respect when it comes to women and a woman does not respect a man who lets her cheat.

[sally4sara]

I have yet to see an example of a man doing this and having it turn out well. Attraction is closely linked to respect when it comes to women and a woman does not respect a man who lets her cheat.

 

We are friends with two couples that practice some aspect of poly while still having a strong, long term relationship. In one, the guy requested first and it was a hard issue for them to get around but they seem to have settled in the swing (no pun intended ) of things.

In the other relationship, it was the female who requested it first. They've never had a huge problem and they've been up to it for 8 years with 6 of them as poly.

 

Not trying to convince you to adopt this lifestyle Wogs, I don't want it either; only trying to assure you that things don't always go the way you FEAR.

There is no magic, works for everyone, way of doing things. Not even getting your vitamin D from the sun, taking penicillin for an infection, or a shower when you're dirty. These things would kill some folks despite how common sense their application is for most people.

[vodkafan]

Thank you for all your opinions and responses good and bad. I decided not to post up for a while and just get on with it and see what happens. Certainly in ourselves we have experienced a whole load of new feelings because of new situations, and a couple of problems which we have worked out as they come up.

I will come back in a couple of weeks with an update , if anyone is interested.

 

The comments about me being a doormat make me laugh. After a shaky start it is me who has become more confident, more happy, a better husband and father; my wife loves the "new" me.

It is the other guy who is getting more and more insecure.

If I had left the home and marriage, as a month ago I was on the point of doing, the damage would have been impossible to repair, the family would be wrecked, she would have been with him (but not 100% happy?) and I would be sitting alone somewhere getting drunk.

[TaraMaiden]

This is, to be quite frank, never the way he thought it would play.

he thought one of two things:

Illicit love affair, behind your back, the frisson of excitement and secrecy, the daring and the forbidden....! Something he could have walked away from, and you would never have known....

 

or -

 

She'd leave you for him.

 

But hang on - this is weird - this was never in the playground, and he's just completely blind-sided by it.

I mean...who'd a thunk it....?

[GorillaTheater]

Thank you for all your opinions and responses good and bad. I decided not to post up for a while and just get on with it and see what happens. Certainly in ourselves we have experienced a whole load of new feelings because of new situations, and a couple of problems which we have worked out as they come up.

I will come back in a couple of weeks with an update , if anyone is interested.

 

I haven't posted anything on this thread because I don't have anything terribly constructive to offer but yeah, I'm interested in how this plays out. I vehemently disagree with your path, but it IS your path, and I wish you the best of luck.

[denise_xo]

Thank you for all your opinions and responses good and bad. I decided not to post up for a while and just get on with it and see what happens. Certainly in ourselves we have experienced a whole load of new feelings because of new situations, and a couple of problems which we have worked out as they come up.

I will come back in a couple of weeks with an update , if anyone is interested.

 

The comments about me being a doormat make me laugh. After a shaky start it is me who has become more confident, more happy, a better husband and father; my wife loves the "new" me.

It is the other guy who is getting more and more insecure.

If I had left the home and marriage, as a month ago I was on the point of doing, the damage would have been impossible to repair, the family would be wrecked, she would have been with him (but not 100% happy?) and I would be sitting alone somewhere getting drunk.

 

Respect to you both.

[sally4sara]

Thank you for all your opinions and responses good and bad. I decided not to post up for a while and just get on with it and see what happens. Certainly in ourselves we have experienced a whole load of new feelings because of new situations, and a couple of problems which we have worked out as they come up.

I will come back in a couple of weeks with an update , if anyone is interested.

 

The comments about me being a doormat make me laugh. After a shaky start it is me who has become more confident, more happy, a better husband and father; my wife loves the "new" me.

It is the other guy who is getting more and more insecure.

If I had left the home and marriage, as a month ago I was on the point of doing, the damage would have been impossible to repair, the family would be wrecked, she would have been with him (but not 100% happy?) and I would be sitting alone somewhere getting drunk.

 

This is the part that should make you wary of this guy the most. It indicates that he was never about a respectful arrangement; he was hoping to break her off you. Whatever ground rules you two lay - expect him to buck them and seek to undermine you. He is no friend to her happiness if being with the both of you is really what she needs to be happy. Any hope I'd have of finding ease within this kind of set up would now be gone because the other guy's head isn't right.

 

But since you're working it to your advantage, I don't see the sense in demanding he dust off. But I would gently point out these things "out of concern" for him. Bring it up. "has so and so gotten over his ANXIETY yet?" "how is so and so doing with his INSECURITIES? I so hope WE don't damage him in this arrangement"

[TaraMaiden]

This is a hotwife/ cuckold relationship.

 

So?

 

What's your point?

[Woggle]

Do you really think this solves anything? Do you think her need to sleep with other men has just gone away? Men are so damn naive when it comes to this.

[GordonDarkfoot]

Thank you for all your opinions and responses good and bad.

 

I can't remember if I've previously posted in this thread, but if I have, you're quite welcome.

 

 

I decided not to post up for a while and just get on with it and see what happens. Certainly in ourselves we have experienced a whole load of new feelings because of new situations, and a couple of problems which we have worked out as they come up.

I will come back in a couple of weeks with an update , if anyone is interested.

 

Oh yes. You have a very interesting situation.

 

The comments about me being a doormat make me laugh.

 

Why? Did you think the comments to which you refer were meant humorously? If someone seriously called me a doormat and it wasn't meant as a joke, I would not be laughing at that, I'd be insulted.

 

Being called a "doormat" is nothing to be amused about. In the context of a thread like this, it represents someone else's subjective perception of your behavior in the situation you have been describing. Instead of living in denial and/or a show of bravado at such a comment, pretending there is something humorous about it, instead, why not try to understand why some people are perceiving you in that way?

 

 

 

 

After a shaky start it is me who has become more confident, more happy, a better husband and father; my wife loves the "new" me.

 

Apparently she does not love the "new you" enough to actually want to be with you more than part time, though.

 

 

It is the other guy who is getting more and more insecure.

 

Oops. I think you slipped up Vodka. The above comment which I have taken the liberty of "bolding" indicates that you do perceive yourself as being "in competition" with "the other guy" over your wife's affections, something that you have repeatedly denied in this thread.

 

If this is all about your choices and your decisions, then why does it matter to you whether "other guy" is secure or not?

 

 

 

 

If I had left the home and marriage, as a month ago I was on the point of doing, the damage would have been impossible to repair, the family would be wrecked, she would have been with him (but not 100% happy?) and I would be sitting alone somewhere getting drunk.

 

So basically you're saying half a loaf, or half a wife, is better than none?

[GordonDarkfoot]

Do you really think this solves anything? Do you think her need to sleep with other men has just gone away? Men are so damn naive when it comes to this.

 

Vodka's wife is sleeping with another man.

[WalkingOnEggs]

I think I'd be more inclined to think that this was a decision you made based on a life philosophy if only it hadn't been forced on you.

 

The fact is, you discovered your wife was going to have an affair with another guy and you had only 2 choices: divorce (and becoming a weekend dad + losing half your stuff), or not opposing her affair.

 

You chose the latter, but you had a gun to your head. You're imagining yourself to be an enlightened polyamorous "mono". But it's very hard under those circumstances, not to think that you're just trying to rationlize that you're not a cuckold.

Edited August 3, 2010 by WalkingOnEggs