unconventional relationship

[Bitterman24/7]

If you are not a troll, how sick could a person be to let another person **** their spouse? What really makes me laugh is the comment about him saying that the OM is being insecure.:lmao:!!!!!

 

The only reason why he's getting insecure is because he's frustrated that your WW hasn't left you yet so that he could have her all to himself. Even if you somehow allow this to continue, do you think it will continue to play to your advantage? No. Trust me, your WW is also saying the same thing OM said while screwing him at his house at the top of her lungs as he gives her an earth-shattering orgasm. And while she enjoys the brilliance of staying with some well-endowed stud for half a week, you sit at home while the kids are sleep, jerking off to what she and OM are possibly doing.

Where the **** is your self-respect? Please divorce her and get these fantasies out of your head. Because this life your living isn't worth it, and it could possibly kill you (STDs).

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you for all your opinions and responses good and bad. I decided not to post up for a while and just get on with it and see what happens. Certainly in ourselves we have experienced a whole load of new feelings because of new situations, and a couple of problems which we have worked out as they come up.

I'm curious if you discuss with her what she did on her 3 days away, sexually or otherwise, and if while gone she's allowed to discuss her home life with him? You also mentioned that her Mom watches the kids while your wife is gone - does Grandma know the specifics of the arrangement?

 

Mr. Lucky

[crazycatlady]

Vodka - thank you for sharing and I for one would be interesting in hearing more about how it goes over the next few months as well as another "mono" with a poly. You are going to get negative responses here, a lot of them, especially from men because I think this is a huge fear for them, but as long as yo are honest with yourself and with yor wife it will work out fine.

 

Good luck

 

CCL

[vodkafan]

Vodka - thank you for sharing and I for one would be interesting in hearing more about how it goes over the next few months as well as another "mono" with a poly. You are going to get negative responses here, a lot of them, especially from men because I think this is a huge fear for them, but as long as yo are honest with yourself and with yor wife it will work out fine.

 

Good luck

 

CCL

 

Hi CCL, thank you. Yes the negative comments.....I have been surprised by their vehemence. The thing is, by me not supplying many details many people are filling in the blanks and making all sorts of assumptions based on their own prejudices.

For a start, my wife is not some lying, heartless callous cow who enjoyed hurting me. She is in fact a warm, very loving woman I have spent 20 years with-during which time she has never even looked at another man. So if this turns out to be some huge mistake on her part I don't want to make her burn all her bridges with me.

I was on the point of leaving (a month ago) but she wanted me to stay. She has not fallen out of love with me, she loves us both.

The other guy is also not the blackheart he is being painted, but I don't want to say too much about him right now; this thread was mainly about my marriage.

Good luck to you too CCL

[vodkafan]

I'm curious if you discuss with her what she did on her 3 days away, sexually or otherwise, and if while gone she's allowed to discuss her home life with him? You also mentioned that her Mom watches the kids while your wife is gone - does Grandma know the specifics of the arrangement?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr Lucky,

I took your question as a serious one and it is a good one. No, we do not talk about what the other person does in bed. We established that right at the beginning. She also does not discuss with him what I do with her in bed.

At the beginning we did talk a little about the other guy's arrangements for all sorts of practical reasons. And vice versa, he does know snippets of our home life. For instance he knows one of my kids from a tutoring situation. But now we tend not to because it messes everybodies heads up. When she is with me she wants to think of me. When she is with him she wants to think of him. That's the only way it will work. We don't want to be all mixed up with each other.

Grandma knows nothing. The eldest children know that mummy stays with a friend. They can handle that because they know that mummy was depressed and unhappy for 3 months before this and that was a bad time. Now mummy and daddy are happy when she comes back.

One other thing is that the other guy and I have been in text contact independently of my wife. We had to have a channel of communication.

[Mr. Lucky]

One other thing is that the other guy and I have been in text contact independently of my wife. We had to have a channel of communication.

Interesting stuff. Does your wife know or care that the two of you talk? Could you ever see things escalating to the point where say, the three of you would have dinner together?

 

Also, forgive me if you answered this before but does he have another relationship besides the arrangement with your wife? Was he involved with anyone when they met?

 

I know I could never be involved in something like this but it sure is interesting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vodkafan]

Interesting stuff. Does your wife know or care that the two of you talk? Could you ever see things escalating to the point where say, the three of you would have dinner together?

 

Also, forgive me if you answered this before but does he have another relationship besides the arrangement with your wife? Was he involved with anyone when they met?

 

I know I could never be involved in something like this but it sure is interesting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr Lucky,

my wife is unsure about it. I should backtrack a bit. I actually met the guy once,a week before I found out. I knew straight away from their faces as soon as I saw them both together, but I had no proof. (at that time they had not slept together)

A week later when I did have proof I spent two days in a red rage trying to find him and I would have killed him. Luckily I did not find him. So after we set up this arrangement, my wife was very wary about us meeting, but she hoped we would at least respect each other.

She changes her mind. Sometimes she hopes we could even be friends then other days she wants to keep us separate.

But we circumvented that and started texting each other. She just had to accept it and hopes for the best.

But we don't do it often. We are not buddies. It is mainly to head off problems man to man before they can escalate.

 

We will eventually have to meet. I want a meeting without my wife there but she is scared of that.

 

He is divorced and has no other relationship. My wife would not accept him being otherwise committed and this deal we have could not happen if he was.

I should mention that my wife has been very stressed trying to keep us both happy these last three weeks, we hit one major wobbler in the second week, it wrecked her 3 days with him and then took her two days to settle me down once she came home.

This is not easy.

[crazycatlady]

I am impressed with your calmness and maturity, Vodka. While he has yet to find someone who fits as a secondary to our primary, I know he would like me and her to be friends if nothing else, and closer if at all possible. I don't now if it will ever happen, but he's content right now. Which is very different from your situation. If this doesn't work out with this other man, I'm assuming you would expect your wife to return to being completely faithful physically and emotionally?

 

CCL

[vodkafan]

I am impressed with your calmness and maturity, Vodka. While he has yet to find someone who fits as a secondary to our primary, I know he would like me and her to be friends if nothing else, and closer if at all possible. I don't now if it will ever happen, but he's content right now. Which is very different from your situation. If this doesn't work out with this other man, I'm assuming you would expect your wife to return to being completely faithful physically and emotionally?

 

CCL

 

She has said as much. But, the thing is she has not stopped being faithful to me really; she has told me ( and I know it's true) that we will grow old together. And I think she realises she needs me more than before; we have had to relook at the whole dynamic of our relationship.

The big difference between your situation and mine CCL is that my partner did not want a poly lifestyle first and then go looking for someone to fit it.

I personally would not accept this a second time; she knows that would be it for us.

But, I think a 2 women-1 man relationship would naturally run along completely different lines anyway. So it can't be compared. Can I ask you a question? Would you be more happy if YOU found the third person rather than your husband? He hasn't picked very wisely in the past....and as you have hinted that you might be open to being sexual with this woman too it seems fair that you have a lot of say in the matter?

Edited August 6, 2010 by vodkafan

[crazycatlady]

She has said as much. But, the thing is she has not stopped being faithful to me really; she has told me ( and I know it's true) that we will grow old together. And I think she realises she needs me more than before; we have had to relook at the whole dynamic of our relationship.

The big difference between your situation and mine CCL is that my partner did not want a poly lifestyle first and then go looking for someone to fit it.

But, I think a 2 women-1 man relationship would naturally run along completely different lines anyway. So it can't be compared. Can I ask you a question? Would you be more happy if YOU found the third person rather than your husband? He hasn't picked very wisely in the past....and as you have hinted that you might be open to being sexual with this woman too it seems fair that you have a lot of say in the matter?

 

I didn't know my H wanted the poly life until the affair happened, but learning more about the poly life helped me accept him loving me and someone else. Like you, he's never thought of growing old with anyone but me, even with inviting someone else in, its not to replace, or even really supliment something missing. I know once we went open, he did almost subconciously go looking for someone who both worked for him, and also worked for me as well.

 

I don't think its fair to expect every woman he picks to also want to be with me. But oddly enough, this is what has happened the majority of the time, and we have ended up making some truly wonderful friends, though the one really good possible long term isn't possible due to distance but she's a good gal reguardless, but really her personality and everything is something I would be very comfortable with on a regular basis. I love her humor, sexually she is a gentle loving lover, and her touch is just so sweet and I really enjoyed watching them together.

 

As for whether I would be happier picking, not really. I am not comfortable trying to meet new people first - which is one reason I don't take him up on the fact that I can do the same with a man very often (and then its just sexual) like once a year maybe if that though I did try more in the beginning. I like new people but....I don't like putting myself out there. And other then his HUGE mistake and then one minor mistake which wouldn't have been an issue if he had either understood himself enough (I think that's more the case) and that he wanted more poly and not just open I think the very minor problems that arose then wouldn't have been.

 

I wouldn't mind if he found someone who didn't want to share at the same time, however his time would be more limited. Because my needs do come first as primary, I don't think we could split as much as you and your wife have split without my being involved - mainly because sexually my libido is higher then his sometimes....So its a work in progress...

 

Is this making any sense lol? But hey, like you, being open and honest, I feel comfortable working this with him.

 

CCL

[vodkafan]

I wouldn't mind if he found someone who didn't want to share at the same time, however his time would be more limited. Because my needs do come first as primary, I don't think we could split as much as you and your wife have split without my being involved - mainly because sexually my libido is higher then his sometimes....So its a work in progress...

 

Is this making any sense lol? But hey, like you, being open and honest, I feel comfortable working this with him.

 

CCL

 

Yes it does make sort of sense. For us, the 3/4 day split is the only way though. It actually fits around my work so it maximises my time with my wife. It also kills two birds with one stone because my wife was always very bored in the house when I was away at work, to the point of depression.

[TaraMaiden]

Vodkafan (you know I'm not on of the aggressive antis on here....) But something is playing on my mind here.

 

Have you stopped to consider that with every day that passes, the dynamics are continuously shifting? (Of course you have.....)

Already we have a scenario where she is uncomfortable with you guys being able to text one another.... we have a scenario where actually, she's having to juggle her emotions and divide her loyalties, (In the sense of time-sharing and who she's with at the time) notwithstanding that her commitment is ultimately to you and your marriage, and your children....

Juggling her feelings and separating the two scenarios and maintaining a balance must be stressful for her, because I predict, at one point, the "novelty" is going to wear off.

I actually think the one who's holding most "power" in this - is you.

I'm not for one moment suggesting you are being manipulative, or controlling. Far from it.

But:

She's the one whose emotions are being pulled in 2 directions. You're still loyal, faithful and committed to her, and her alone. So your position is 'stable'.

 

He's the one who is having to contend with the highly unusual situation that the woman with whom he's having an affair, is not only open and frank about it with her husband - but he's in contact (albeit by text) and discusses certain issues and circumstances with him! That's understandably a completely alien concept, and one that can mess the mind up....But you're ok with that, because - she's married to you, whereas there is no certainty or guarantee for him.

 

So you're secure. You have the legal crowbar on your patch, as it were, which is where you have him at a disadvantage.

You are also the father of her children - and they matter to you both....

 

Sooner or later, I have a feeling something is going to flip.

This scenario - as an unchanging concept - is unsustainable.

 

Either she is going to finally "crack" and say she cannot keep this up any longer - and split with him, or he's going to become impatient and possibly, even bored with what is going on.

After all, half the fun of an affair is the secrecy and danger.....

 

How are things with you, personally?

How are you holding up, hun?

[U2RockZz]

have you fallen on your head or what......you say you do not have any issues yet you bring 100 issues every week.......every body on here screaming with all their guts except some sick wackos ,yet you don't find any problem with your situation.....tell me one thing truthfully....does it really turns you on that your W is in bed with somebody else(what is actually your feeling)....if it is yes then nobody will question your path to start with....

[TaraMaiden]

Oh put a sock in it.

if you're going to post something, at least show some maturity.....

[vodkafan]

have you fallen on your head or what......you say you do not have any issues yet you bring 100 issues every week.......every body on here screaming with all their guts except some sick wackos ,yet you don't find any problem with your situation.....tell me one thing truthfully....does it really turns you on that your W is in bed with somebody else(what is actually your feeling)....if it is yes then nobody will question your path to start with....

 

Of course I have issues..and no of course it does not turn me on that my wife is in bed with someone else...are you a twat?

I'm trying to save my marriage here idiot

[vodkafan]

Vodkafan (you know I'm not on of the aggressive antis on here....) But something is playing on my mind here.

 

Have you stopped to consider that with every day that passes, the dynamics are continuously shifting? (Of course you have.....)

Already we have a scenario where she is uncomfortable with you guys being able to text one another.... we have a scenario where actually, she's having to juggle her emotions and divide her loyalties, (In the sense of time-sharing and who she's with at the time) notwithstanding that her commitment is ultimately to you and your marriage, and your children....

Juggling her feelings and separating the two scenarios and maintaining a balance must be stressful for her, because I predict, at one point, the "novelty" is going to wear off.

I actually think the one who's holding most "power" in this - is you.

I'm not for one moment suggesting you are being manipulative, or controlling. Far from it.

But:

She's the one whose emotions are being pulled in 2 directions. You're still loyal, faithful and committed to her, and her alone. So your position is 'stable'.

 

He's the one who is having to contend with the highly unusual situation that the woman with whom he's having an affair, is not only open and frank about it with her husband - but he's in contact (albeit by text) and discusses certain issues and circumstances with him! That's understandably a completely alien concept, and one that can mess the mind up....But you're ok with that, because - she's married to you, whereas there is no certainty or guarantee for him.

 

So you're secure. You have the legal crowbar on your patch, as it were, which is where you have him at a disadvantage.

You are also the father of her children - and they matter to you both....

 

Sooner or later, I have a feeling something is going to flip.

This scenario - as an unchanging concept - is unsustainable.

 

Either she is going to finally "crack" and say she cannot keep this up any longer - and split with him, or he's going to become impatient and possibly, even bored with what is going on.

After all, half the fun of an affair is the secrecy and danger.....

 

How are things with you, personally?

How are you holding up, hun?

 

Taramaiden, it sure doesn't feel like everything is stable , or that I hold much "power" to be honest. I am just a normal guy trying to do what is best in a situation I didn't ask for. Some of the other posters have said that and that is true. This was the best and only solution I could come up with.

Nothing, NOTHING matters if I lose my wife's love.

Having said that, some days are worse than others. Today (friday) is always a bad day, all my doubts come to the fore but when we are together sunday to thursday afternoon it feels like it's working.

[GordonDarkfoot]

I'm trying to save my marriage here

 

Serious question: Why?

 

And, where do you draw the line?

[U2RockZz]

I'm trying to save my marriage here idiot

 

ya, seems to be.....your definition of saving the M is sharing your W ,some what confusing and really innovative(i would give you that) concept to the normal human brain nutcase......

 

 

 

everyone here already given you enough amount of advise to fallow....yet your super natural brain can not pick up that your w is playing you for a fool....check your w's email and mobile.....then let me know what kind of idiot you have been

[2sunny]

Taramaiden, it sure doesn't feel like everything is stable , or that I hold much "power" to be honest. I am just a normal guy trying to do what is best in a situation I didn't ask for. Some of the other posters have said that and that is true. This was the best and only solution I could come up with.

Nothing, NOTHING matters if I lose my wife's love.

Having said that, some days are worse than others. Today (friday) is always a bad day, all my doubts come to the fore but when we are together sunday to thursday afternoon it feels like it's working.

 

this is completely unhealthy for you.

 

are you doing extensive counseling? i think you should - this unstable frame of mind and sense of self is really scary.

 

how can you expect your W to love you for you - if you don't love you for you. to compromise your happiness to make her happy isn't right.

 

to only feel complete if she loves you - is meaningless.

 

please seek help.

[Chubbi]

What happens if your W become pregnant? Will you automatically accept the child as your own? What if he/she looks like the other man more than you?

[GordonDarkfoot]

ya, seems to be.....your definition of saving the M is sharing your W ,some what confusing and really innovative(i would give you that) concept to the normal human brain nutcase......

 

 

 

everyone here already given you enough amount of advise to fallow....yet your super natural brain can not pick up that your w is playing you for a fool....check your w's email and mobile.....then let me know what kind of idiot you have been

 

 

Now IMO you're being a little bit unfair to vodkafan.

 

He now has binding legal authority in support of unconventional marriage, Judge Williams in California has overturned Prop. 8 on the basis that conventional moral notions or traditional ideas of marriage is not a basis for disparate treatment.

[TaraMaiden]

Which is great....if you're American.....

 

In any case, in the UK, there's no law against it either.....

[mem11363]

Well said. I haven't gone this route - but a couple times when W has said she finds my HD in the bedroom tiresome I have offered to go "poly" such that she can have as little sex with me as she wants.

 

This wasn't a "fuvk you" statement it was a sincere offer to find a way to stay married that works for both of us. Celibacy is a non-starter for me, and yet I prefer not to divorce.

 

If her drive was really high and mine very low - AND I wasn't willing to make the effort to keep her happy, than I would accept the same deal in reverse.

 

I think the OP is working through an unusual situation best he can. Clearly his W loves him. I also think he has good ground rules.

 

 

What you fail to understand is that she had not broken her wedding vows when this situation was revealed.

 

What you fail to understand is that she chose to not go behind her husband's back and cheat - as so many more people (both male and female) do.

 

 

What you fail to understand that this arrangement, agreement and compromise has been arrived at, by both partners being mature, and discussing the true implications of such actions.

 

What you fail to understand is that by choosing this route, the pair of them remain married and unified, as they both want.

 

The pair of them maintain a good relationship as they both want, and they both gain the benefit of remaining married, together and with the children.

As they both want.

In my opinion - and as you say, in the opinion of many on this thread - what they have actually done is far more sensible, "adult", mature and acceptable way of dealing with something that might otherwise leave 8 people thoroughly broken, resentful, miserable and divided.

Don't you see that by reaching a compromise and agreement like this, it is actually far less emotionally traumatic than cheating, separating, divorcing and giving in to conflict?

 

You would never consider such a route, it's obvious.

but I think they've actually caused far less collateral long-term damage than anything else they might have done.

It's a well-known fact that any spouse solidly refusing to compromise, budge or meet the other half way, ultimately pays the price for their immoveable stance by watching the relationship suffer.

The OP was not prepared to make, force or oblige his wife to do anything that would ultimately have threatened her feelings for him.

because had he done as you suggest, then almost certainly, this situation would have followed a far more negative path.

[WalkingOnEggs]

It just pains me to see this in part because I went through something similar years ago with a girlfriend I was madly in love with. A couple of years into our relationship, she started seeing her ex again on the side. Because I couldn't bear the thought of losing her, I agreed to let her keep me and the ex on the side. Basically I was with her on weekends and she was with the ex on weekdays.

 

I hated the arrangement and was torn apart by jealousy starting from Monday to Friday night. Then on weekends all was well in my world only to re-start the cycle again.

 

The dynamic of our relationship changed. I had lost considerable power since things were no longer equal. She knew that if I left, she still had the other guy. Her attitude towards me was lightly different as a result, I think.

 

To make a long story short, the ex left town after about 6 months and suddenly my girlfriend was 100% into me. But the damage was done. I could never commit to her after that completely. She wanted us to get married, but I realized that I could never feel for her what I did before.

 

The bottom line is that I compromised heavily for fear for losing her. In hindsight, I don't think that was a healthy choice. I worry about you because I see similarities with your situation.

[vodkafan]

It just pains me to see this in part because I went through something similar years ago with a girlfriend I was madly in love with. A couple of years into our relationship, she started seeing her ex again on the side. Because I couldn't bear the thought of losing her, I agreed to let her keep me and the ex on the side. Basically I was with her on weekends and she was with the ex on weekdays.

 

I hated the arrangement and was torn apart by jealousy starting from Monday to Friday night. Then on weekends all was well in my world only to re-start the cycle again.

 

The dynamic of our relationship changed. I had lost considerable power since things were no longer equal. She knew that if I left, she still had the other guy. Her attitude towards me was lightly different as a result, I think.

 

To make a long story short, the ex left town after about 6 months and suddenly my girlfriend was 100% into me. But the damage was done. I could never commit to her after that completely. She wanted us to get married, but I realized that I could never feel for her what I did before.

 

The bottom line is that I compromised heavily for fear for losing her. In hindsight, I don't think that was a healthy choice. I worry about you because I see similarities with your situation.

 

Hi Walking on eggs thanks for posting. That was interesting for me.

I think yes, a month ago my state of mind was similar to what you describe. The cyclic thing, feeling OK when we were together but then going a bit insane when when we were apart. But things have changed since then. A lot of the stress went out of the whole thing.

I will post up about it in a day or two.

 

Thanks also to mem11363. Unlike some guys on here you have an open mind.

Edited August 13, 2010 by vodkafan