unconventional relationship

[GorillaTheater]

This is just so selfish.... What is dating? You see someone, develop emotions, but also do your own thing, which can mean dating others, and heck sleeping with other people, which seldom is with the approval of the person you are dating.

 

What's selfish? My suggestion that he consider dating? I suppose it might be taken as selfish, but only in the sense that I'd like for him to act in his own healthy self-interest. My take on this situation is that the situation that VF finds himself in is far from optimal in his eyes; that he's trying to make the best of a situation which presents only two dismal (to him) choices: share his wife or get a divorce. He has determined that the former is preferable to the latter. In his place, I would very likely make a different decision, but I respect the choice he's made. I understand the feeling of having to pick one of several lousy choices.

 

But I don't want to see him put his life and needs and desires behind that of his wife, who seems clear that while VF may be a priority in her life, he is just one of at least a couple of priorities. So yeah, dating should be an option. So should any other of his needs and desires. Why not enjoy the company of another woman or two? Monogamy is no longer an option in this marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

It can't do them any harm? But yet his wife tells him that she doesn't even want to spend time with him seven days a week (as if he's some type of irritant)?

Isn't it better than spending no time at all and creating heartbreak, distress, sadness, despair, anger, hostility.... If you can see for yourself that the situation seems to be keeping everybody happy - why does this bug you so much?

 

 

This guy didn't even want this to happen, so how about you tell me where are the boundaries regarding entitlement.

No, you're right, Vodkafan didn't' want this to happen - at first. But he made a decision: he decided that compromise, and having his wife part of the time, was preferable to splitting the family up and not having her at all. It would appear that so far, it has worked better than even he would have hoped.

 

In his recent posts, it seems that things are working out acceptably. I didn't say perfectly, and as stated, this is still pretty new, unconventional and unusual for everyone. there's no yardstick to measure things by, and sure, there are bound to be some gaps and disadvantages. Where in any compromise, are there not?

 

Disintegration of the family is more likely in this scenario, and divorce is also, when someone is giving themselves to someone else physically and emotionally.

Divorce did seem to be the only option open to Vodkafan when all this came to light.

I think that divorce is far less likely now. And certainly, if Divorce does occur the state of mind will be calmer and more accepting, because truly - without a shadow of a doubt - they really have tried everything to keep this one going. If it fails, at least they know, they really did explore every avenue before calling it quits.

 

One has already checked out, and I wouldn't be surprised if the girls were harboring deep resentment in this situation.

 

Again, more red herrings.

 

What is it we constantly hear?

"Better happy children with 2 happy and separate parents than unhappy children with 2 unhappy parents together."

 

The children are happy that a divorce is NOT on the cards. Doubtless, the children now have something they can bring to the table and discuss, and express themselves on.

Given the maturity and responsibility shown by the adults in doing their best to avoid a divorce come what may, I think they will have no trouble talking to them in terms they will be able to digest.

 

We don't know the son has 'checked out'. We only know he chooses to not discuss it.

That, is his problem.

If he sees his parents engaging in a situation which keeps them together, but he can't see his way to discussing it, then tough doodies, buster. That's the way it is. I'm afraid that he's all grown up now, so - he needs to get over it.

[TaraMaiden]

But I don't want to see him put his life and needs and desires behind that of his wife, who seems clear that while VF may be a priority in her life, he is just one of at least a couple of priorities. So yeah, dating should be an option. So should any other of his needs and desires. Why not enjoy the company of another woman or two? Monogamy is no longer an option in this marriage.

For the record, I am in complete agreement with you.

 

I personally believe he is completely entitled to go out and date someone else.

But I think the current dynamics are still a bit embryonic.... VF did say that he personally has absolutely no interest at all in dating another woman, and I guess we would have to give him that.

But maybe in time he might feel differently, and maybe in time, he may seize an opportunity. He might like to currently dismiss this notion, but I'm sure 3 years ago he would have dismissed the notion of this specific scenario existing, as well....

I think for him to date another woman right now might dither the status quo, not the least factor of which, is that the girls are just getting used to their mother having ostensibly 2 husbands (in deference to xxoo's comments!)

[GorillaTheater]

I think for him to date another woman right now might dither the status quo, not the least factor of which, is that the girls are just getting used to their mother having ostensibly 2 husbands (in deference to xxoo's comments!)

 

There are certain status quos which could do with a bit of dithering. I know dating isn't an option for VF at the moment; I simply want him to consider the possibility. Perhaps spend some time mulling over why it's not an option at the moment.

[Distant78]

Isn't it better than spending no time at all and creating heartbreak, distress, sadness, despair, anger, hostility.... If you can see for yourself that the situation seems to be keeping everybody happy - why does this bug you so much?

 

Yes, it would be better to spend NO time with someone who gave herself to another man, and thats why I divorced my ex. I can see for myself that the situation does not seem to be keeping everybody happy, especially the OP. Why doesn't this bug you?

 

 

 

No, you're right, Vodkafan didn't' want this to happen - at first. But he made a decision: he decided that compromise, and having his wife part of the time, was preferable to splitting the family up and not having her at all. It would appear that so far, it has worked better than even he would have hoped.

 

He made a hard-thinking decision or was it rushed because of his wife's ultimatums? If I can't have my SO all to myself then i'd rather not have her at all than to have half of her. It works only for HER. By the way, who's the only one in this relationship thats compromising? It doesn't look like she is.

 

In his recent posts, it seems that things are working out acceptably. I didn't say perfectly, and as stated, this is still pretty new, unconventional and unusual for everyone. there's no yardstick to measure things by, and sure, there are bound to be some gaps and disadvantages. Where in any compromise, are there not?

 

So you acknowledge there are gaps, disadvantages, one-sided compromises, with one child and possibly the other children having resentment about the marriage, but in the midst of those issues, EVERYONE is HAPPY.

 

 

Divorce did seem to be the only option open to Vodkafan when all this came to light.

I think that divorce is far less likely now. And certainly, if Divorce does occur the state of mind will be calmer and more accepting, because truly - without a shadow of a doubt - they really have tried everything to keep this one going. If it fails, at least they know, they really did explore every avenue before calling it quits.

 

They've tried or he tried? If it fails, he would know what to do when faced with a deceitful spouse.

 

 

What is it we constantly hear?

"Better happy children with 2 happy and separate parents than unhappy children with 2 unhappy parents together."

 

No, thats a stereotype and you know it. There is no happy home if BOTH spouses are not happy with their marriage.

 

The children are happy that a divorce is NOT on the cards. Doubtless, the children now have something they can bring to the table and discuss, and express themselves on.

Given the maturity and responsibility shown by the adults in doing their best to avoid a divorce come what may, I think they will have no trouble talking to them in terms they will be able to digest.

 

The children didn't even have a say in the matter. Just like another poster said, OP's wife didn't even really date the OM before she started having sex with him. It was rushed. Of course the kids will have no choice but to allow it. They can't stop it, but will they accept it fully?

 

[We don't know the son has 'checked out'. We only know he chooses to not discuss it.

That, is his problem.

If he sees his parents engaging in a situation which keeps them together, but he can't see his way to discussing it, then tough doodies, buster. That's the way it is. I'm afraid that he's all grown up now, so - he needs to get over it.

 

We don't know if the son has checked out yet the OP said he refuses to talk about it. I'm assuming that he doesn't even get along with his family, much less his father anymore after he was told of this. Now you're saying the poor kid needs to get over it. I think he has a right to his feelings just as much as the other kids.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There are certain status quos which could do with a bit of dithering. I know dating isn't an option for VF at the moment; I simply want him to consider the possibility. Perhaps spend some time mulling over why it's not an option at the moment.

 

He is a parent for the three days his wife is playing house with the om..... Unless he wants to cut into their 4 days together, that is a non-starter......

 

I agree taramaiden I can not grasp it and find it gross and amusing at the same time.

 

But as said it is his decision and I'm amazed how easily men can be made to accept these situations and also then state my bias, that all it comes down to for these two men is sex..... Once they no longer get enough from her, her beauty fades or they meat someone better (which is probably why VF doesn't want to date), they will reconsider this scenario in a heart beat......

[Chrome Barracuda]

...What happens if she winds up pregnant, he's gonna end up paying for child support too? unbelievable!

[Distant78]

...What happens if she winds up pregnant, he's gonna end up paying for child support too? unbelievable!

 

Exactly. If that happens...

[GorillaTheater]

He is a parent for the three days his wife is playing house with the om..... Unless he wants to cut into their 4 days together, that is a non-starter......

 

He's already stated that his oldest daughter is old enough to babysit, so what's the big deal? He has 6 kids, we have 8. When my wife and I want to go out, we have one or more of the older kids watch the younger ones. No sweat.

[Chrome Barracuda]

As a strong man I am disgusted am appalled that a man would cowtow to his wife's demands.

 

And now that she's had her fun, is she gonna continue with the new husband?

 

Ok and let's look at another scenario, Vodka meets this smoking hot chick, has a one night stand and the OW gets preggo, does he invite her into the fold, will the wife be happy with her husband and a new baby on the way, You think the kids would respect that? Is that what we want to teach our kids?

 

How to treat your spouse? your marriage, your family? WTF.

 

If she ever persisted with the Open marriage I would have just filed for divorce, I'd rather loose her than share her.

 

PERIOD!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

He's already stated that his oldest daughter is old enough to babysit, so what's the big deal? He has 6 kids, we have 8. When my wife and I want to go out, we have one or more of the older kids watch the younger ones. No sweat.

 

Parenting is more then babysitting..... geez:mad:.... And when he wants to sleep with another woman, he stays out the night? Maybe he too will want to share a bed all night like his spouse...........

 

No wonder I did not want to get involved in this thread at the beginning....... This is at best a circular argument......

[Distant78]

As a strong man I am disgusted am appalled that a man would cowtow to his wife's demands.

 

And now that she's had her fun, is she gonna continue with the new husband?

 

Ok and let's look at another scenario, Vodka meets this smoking hot chick, has a one night stand and the OW gets preggo, does he invite her into the fold, will the wife be happy with her husband and a new baby on the way, You think the kids would respect that? Is that what we want to teach our kids?

 

How to treat your spouse? your marriage, your family? WTF.

 

If she ever persisted with the Open marriage I would have just filed for divorce, I'd rather loose her than share her.

 

PERIOD!

 

Tell it Chrome!!LOL!!! Preach!!!!

[GorillaTheater]

Parenting is more then babysitting..... geez:mad:....

 

Yeah, no sh*t. But parenting is alos alot more than spending every waking moment with your kids to the exclusion of each and every outside interest. I think we're getting side-tracked here, but I also think you're making way too much of VF maybe going out one night a week. Maybe even while his wife is home. I'd sure like to hear the basis of her objection if she has one.

 

And when he wants to sleep with another woman, he stays out the night? Maybe he too will want to share a bed all night like his spouse...........

 

Maybe so. Seems reasonable.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, it would be better to spend NO time with someone who gave herself to another man, and thats why I divorced my ex. I can see for myself that the situation does not seem to be keeping everybody happy, especially the OP. Why doesn't this bug you?

Because VF didn't choose your route. Horse for courses. You decided divorce was your only option, he didn't. Live and let live.

No situation with conflict and emotions playing a part will ever make everybody happy all the time. It doesn't matter what is done, and what damage limitation you implement, some things are going to go awry. You've tried your option, VF is trying another.

It really shouldn't matter that much to you.

You no longer have your wife, and doubtless you feel satisfied that was your only option. Fine. VF still has his, and seems satisfied that this was his. Convention be damned, sometimes thinking outside the box isn't a bad thing.

 

He made a hard-thinking decision or was it rushed because of his wife's ultimatums? If I can't have my SO all to myself then i'd rather not have her at all than to have half of her.

We have no idea really, how long they took to come to this decision. Whether 'rushed' or 'relaxed' something seems to be working.

 

It works only for HER. By the way, who's the only one in this relationship thats compromising? It doesn't look like she is.

She was equally in a position to tell VF she couldn't carry on like this. They both have each other, and the children have both parents, under one roof. All the time. (If during her time with the OM, something was seriously wrong, I'm sure VF would be on the 'phone like a shot, and she would be home, like a shot.

It's 'working' as you put it, for all concerned.

 

So you acknowledge there are gaps, disadvantages, one-sided compromises, with one child and possibly the other children having resentment about the marriage, but in the midst of those issues, EVERYONE is HAPPY.

I didn't say everyone was completely happy, but given how unusual this situation is, adjustment takes time. Of course there are all manner of issues, but goodness - LOOK AT THIS FORUM!! Where are there NO issues?? Where, anywhere, is everyone happy - ?

 

They've tried or he tried? If it fails, he would know what to do when faced with a deceitful spouse.

IF.

Big word, If.

What 'IF' this one, on the other hand, runs and runs, and doesn't end in divorce?

 

No, thats a stereotype and you know it. There is no happy home if BOTH spouses are not happy with their marriage.

That was my point. if both spouses are unhappy with their marriage, they divorce. Split, it's a happier environment, but my point was that there are no guarantees of happiness in any given scenario, not just this one.

 

The children didn't even have a say in the matter. Just like another poster said, OP's wife didn't even really date the OM before she started having sex with him. It was rushed. Of course the kids will have no choice but to allow it. They can't stop it, but will they accept it fully?

Well, come on, honestly, who can say? All we know is that they're happy their parents are not divorcing. How this is tackled - and how it subsequently plays out - is truly, anybody's guess. You can only do your best, with the materials you have at the time. No?

 

We don't know if the son has checked out yet the OP said he refuses to talk about it. I'm assuming that he doesn't even get along with his family, much less his father anymore after he was told of this.

I understand what you say, but that's a lot of assumptions. Again, I rather think you might be projecting, because if your parents had told you this was a scenario they were thinking of going for, you might have had this reaction.

 

Now you're saying the poor kid needs to get over it. I think he has a right to his feelings just as much as the other kids.

Absolutely, he does. And absolutely, he is the one who has to deal with them. And absolutely, he can either harbour resentment, animosity, hostility and confusion. or, he can get over it.

We all have stuff we need to 'get over.' It's either that, or stay stuck in a bad place.

[xxoo]

Yeah, no sh*t. But parenting is alos alot more than spending every waking moment with your kids to the exclusion of each and every outside interest. I think we're getting side-tracked here, but I also think you're making way too much of VF maybe going out one night a week. Maybe even while his wife is home.

 

Mom gone 3 days a week.

Mom and Dad have a "date night" once a week, I think VF said.

Now, if Dad dates elsewhere once a week....well, time is getting tough to find. Sounds like VF has his hands full.

 

I knew somebody would play the 'having little choice' card....the circumstances are immaterial, and such arguments are a red herring. The fact is, that for whatever reason, a parent is absent,, whether by accident or design. It's the absence which creates the issue, not the reason.

 

First, I'm having a conversation....not playing a "card".

 

Second, I do think the reason for the absence matters very much. Maybe not with very young children, but with school age children or older, it matters. My school age child, at least, could appreciate the difference between being away huge chunks of time to earn money, and being away huge chunks of time to have a second marriage.

 

This is still very much in the embryonic, formative and dare I say it, experimental stage.

 

I don't consider living together (even part time) to be the embryonic, formative stage of a relationship. That is typically an advanced committed stage.

 

Why didn't this relationship follow a more natural progression? Dating, meeting the children as appropriate, and then making a commitment that involved live together/"husband" status? How did this guy get "husband" status so without earning it in any way?

[kuma]

She has also told the other guy she does not want him for 7 days a week either. In fact she told him if he was not happy with 3 days he could walk.

 

vodkafan, she doesn't sound like she's in love with him. IMO, she just wants an escape from her marriage life. "She doesn't want ANY man for 7 days a week." Why doesn't she want to live with you everyday?

[Distant78]

How did this guy get "husband" status so without earning it in any way?

 

Maybe because his wife was eager to have sex with the guy. She was already cheating on OP before this "agreement" even happened.

[TaraMaiden]

 

First, I'm having a conversation....not playing a "card".

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to cause offence. It's just funny, that as I was typing my previous response (to which that comment refers) I was already thinking, 'I bet somebody plays the intention card' and it was just the phraseology I chose. I didn't mean or intend that there was irrelevance or flippancy to your response....

 

Second, I do think the reason for the absence matters very much. Maybe not with very young children, but with school age children or older, it matters. My school age child, at least, could appreciate the difference between being away huge chunks of time to earn money, and being away huge chunks of time to have a second marriage.

Yeah, I get this, but if it's introduced as another aspect to relationships, and something mummy and daddy are doing because they believe and hope it's a logical way to keep things together, rather than something scandalous, negative and divisive, with bad connotations, it would go down better. again, everybody's different, and this is an entirely novel approach. Certainly, I don't think I've come across this one on LS before.....

 

 

 

I don't consider living together (even part time) to be the embryonic, formative stage of a relationship. That is typically an advanced committed stage.

No, I meant the polyandry scenario. The fact that all three seem committed to making this unusual arrangement work, is the embryonic formative factor.

 

Why didn't this relationship follow a more natural progression? Dating, meeting the children as appropriate, and then making a commitment that involved live together/"husband" status? How did this guy get "husband" status so without earning it in any way?

 

VF - over to you!

 

vodkafan, she doesn't sound like she's in love with him. IMO, she just wants an escape from her marriage life. "She doesn't want ANY man for 7 days a week." Why doesn't she want to live with you everyday?

 

Ditto!! Another one for VF. It's a valid question!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

7 Days a week either in a perfect world. She also does not want to be with men all week. I just told her about her about this thread and she claims the woman is getting the short end of the stick having to be with a male all 7 days.......;)

[Distant78]

Because VF didn't choose your route. Horse for courses. You decided divorce was your only option, he didn't. Live and let live.

 

Live and let live? Lets just see how long this will be alive before it dies.

 

No situation with conflict and emotions playing a part will ever make everybody happy all the time. It doesn't matter what is done, and what damage limitation you implement, some things are going to go awry. You've tried your option, VF is trying another.

It really shouldn't matter that much to you.

 

But yet you said everyone was completely happy. It doesn't matter what is done but yet she ignored her vows to be with some fling. I know i've tried my option and it worked out great for me. It shouldn't matter that much to you either if you're not in a poly. relationship.

 

You no longer have your wife, and doubtless you feel satisfied that was your only option. Fine. VF still has his, and seems satisfied that this was his. Convention be damned, sometimes thinking outside the box isn't a bad thing.

 

Tara, trying to insult me won't wave away my opinion and the facts that are obviously in front of your face. VF still has a marriage? This situation is not a marriage. There is a spouse who disrespected her vows and continues to do so, and OP is unsatisfied. Sometimes thinking outside the box is a bad thing. Unconvention be damned. I would rather cut my penis off than to have half a wife who continues to disrespect me and our marriage.

 

 

We have no idea really, how long they took to come to this decision. Whether 'rushed' or 'relaxed' something seems to be working.

 

LOL!!!

 

 

She was equally in a position to tell VF she couldn't carry on like this. They both have each other, and the children have both parents, under one roof. All the time. (If during her time with the OM, something was seriously wrong, I'm sure VF would be on the 'phone like a shot, and she would be home, like a shot.

It's 'working' as you put it, for all concerned.

 

She was in a position, but she didn't use it effectively. She tried to downplay her infidelity by giving OP an ultimatum. VF did have a problem while his wife was with OM but he didn't call her because he didn't want to ruin the "NC rule."

 

I didn't say everyone was completely happy, but given how unusual this situation is, adjustment takes time. Of course there are all manner of issues, but goodness - LOOK AT THIS FORUM!! Where are there NO issues?? Where, anywhere, is everyone happy - ?

 

Yes you did. So now you're saying the situation is unusual and adjustment takes time, yet you say the situation is still working? You know we're only discussing this situation, not whats going on with the forum.

 

 

IF.

Big word, If.

What 'IF' this one, on the other hand, runs and runs, and doesn't end in divorce?

 

You're right. IF he doesn't learn from this then I feel sorry for him, but for you to say this will last forever is a laughable. So you think this "poly." relationship will last when they reach their sixties?

 

 

That was my point. if both spouses are unhappy with their marriage, they divorce. Split, it's a happier environment, but my point was that there are no guarantees of happiness in any given scenario, not just this one.

 

Spliting someone's spouse doesn't work for everyone, and rarely works at all.

 

 

Well, come on, honestly, who can say? All we know is that they're happy their parents are not divorcing. How this is tackled - and how it subsequently plays out - is truly, anybody's guess. You can only do your best, with the materials you have at the time. No?

 

"Who can say?" But you just said the kids are happy about the situation, and now you admit that the kids may still not approve fully. If you admit that its anybody's guess, then I guess this will not end beautifully and lets leave it at that.

 

 

I understand what you say, but that's a lot of assumptions. Again, I rather think you might be projecting, because if your parents had told you this was a scenario they were thinking of going for, you might have had this reaction.

 

What you say is a lot of assumptions also, especially since you are acting as his number one fan. Yes, if my both or one of my parents told me they wanted to sleep with someone else besides each other, while I was a kid, I would be angry also. Even if they told me that today (at 32) I would still be pissed that my parents would behave in such a way.

 

Absolutely, he does. And absolutely, he is the one who has to deal with them. And absolutely, he can either harbour resentment, animosity, hostility and confusion. or, he can get over it.

We all have stuff we need to 'get over.' It's either that, or stay stuck in a bad place.

 

Get over it and allow his wife to run over him right?

Edited August 24, 2010 by Distant78

[TaraMaiden]

Ok. Whatever.

You're insisting you're right, I'm going by what the OP has told us of his situation.

 

Taking your account of his situation, against his account of the situation, I take his as being more accurate than yours.

 

I'd rather believe his version of his relationship, that your version of his relationship.

[Distant78]

Ok. Whatever.

You're insisting you're right, I'm going by what the OP has told us of his situation.

 

You're insisting you're right also, as if your opinion on OP's situation is better than mine. I'm also going by what OP has told us so far. Please hop off his jock for once. You said yourself that this scenario will end and will turn on OP so now he said the kids are "happy" you are just falling in love with the man eh?:lmao::lmao:

 

Taking your account of his situation, against his account of the situation, I take his as being more accurate than yours.

 

Ok, then that's you and if you feel that way, fine. You have YOUR opinion and I have MINE.

 

I'd rather believe his version of his relationship, that your version of his relationship.

 

:confused:Ok, you just said that twice. Care to move along to more pressing matters?

[crazycatlady]

Vodka - I hope this dissent doesn't keep you from keeping us informed and answering the very few questions directed at you - at least the ones that are not derogitory.

 

While it did seem Vodka wasn't sure how he felt about it in the beginning, he is enjoying a happy wife now. Which is in return helping him be happier. This is what he told us. I'm not going to second guess him, and will take him at his word since its his emotions. The kids have been reassured which makes them happier then they had been feeling - except possibly the older child, and it could simply be "eeeewww parents don't have sex" that keeps him wanting to not talk about it, and he is out of the family home reguardless.

 

I understand the motivation of wanting a partner happy. I understand how have a second lover can make a poly happier then just one. I don't think the marriage is more likely to fail becauyse of this. Its probably stronger due to this because their communication has improved. She faced a very hard decision (telling him before cheating about her emotions for the OM; we all know how many cheat instead of doing that) and he faced a hard decision (whether he loved her enough and was secure enough to make this arrangement) and they are working through it.

 

Yes this arrange came out assbackwards. It could have been worse, she could have cheated on him instead of telling him when she discovered how she felt about OM and then have wanted him to work it out. That's not how it happened.

 

By the way, this is NOT a cuckold situation in the least. He does not get off on her doing this. Being happier because his wife is happy is not the same thing as getting aroused by the fact that his wife is having sex with another man (which is what cuckold is about as a fetish). She is also not getting off on having another man while he's home thinking about it. Its just simply what is being done.

 

There is no formula for the correct way to have a poly lifestyle. But none but those involved can say what is correct for them.

 

CCL

[TaraMaiden]

You're insisting you're right also, as if your opinion on OP's situation is better than mine.

No, but just so's you're sure, I'm more inclined to take his version than yours.

 

I'm also going by what OP has told us so far. Please hop off his jock for once. You said yourself that this scenario will end and will turn on OP so now he said the kids are "happy" you are just falling in love with the man eh?

You're right, I'm so sorry. Just give me an example of something that will never end (without going toooooo far off topic) and I'll defer to your greater knowledge.

 

Ok, then that's you and if you feel that way, fine. You have YOUR opinion and I have MINE.

(finally.....!)

 

 

 

Ok, you just said that twice.

Must be at least that....

 

Care to move along to more pressing matters?

I just like the last word.....

 

Yeah, just for emphasis.....

 

While it did seem Vodka wasn't sure how he felt about it in the beginning, he is enjoying a happy wife now. Which is in return helping him be happier. This is what he told us. I'm not going to second guess him, and will take him at his word since its his emotions. The kids have been reassured which makes them happier then they had been feeling - except possibly the older child, and it could simply be "eeeewww parents don't have sex" that keeps him wanting to not talk about it, and he is out of the family home reguardless.

 

I understand the motivation of wanting a partner happy. I understand how have a second lover can make a poly happier then just one. I don't think the marriage is more likely to fail becauyse of this. Its probably stronger due to this because their communication has improved. She faced a very hard decision (telling him before cheating about her emotions for the OM; we all know how many cheat instead of doing that) and he faced a hard decision (whether he loved her enough and was secure enough to make this arrangement) and they are working through it.

 

Yes this arrange came out assbackwards. It could have been worse, she could have cheated on him instead of telling him when she discovered how she felt about OM and then have wanted him to work it out. That's not how it happened.

 

By the way, this is NOT a cuckold situation in the least. He does not get off on her doing this. Being happier because his wife is happy is not the same thing as getting aroused by the fact that his wife is having sex with another man (which is what cuckold is about as a fetish). She is also not getting off on having another man while he's home thinking about it. Its just simply what is being done.

 

There is no formula for the correct way to have a poly lifestyle. But none but those involved can say what is correct for them.

 

CCL

Yeah, I've been trying to tell gentlefolk all that for a while.

The words 'ears' and 'deaf' springs to mind.

I just find it odd that if VF is reporting back that things are not traumatic, and there seems to have been a level ground reached, why everybody is still set on pouring hot oil on it all.

 

Meh. Sum folks jus' can't stand to see others makin' a go of it.....

[Distant78]

No, but just so's you're sure, I'm more inclined to take his version than yours.

 

:confused:So what? Of course you will because its his sad story and your his number one fanbase.

 

You're right, I'm so sorry. Just give me an example of something that will never end (without going toooooo far off topic) and I'll defer to your greater knowledge.

 

Something that will never end? How about you being his wife forever? As much as you defend him I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up with him, especially with your view that married couples can sleep with people outside of marriage. Yea, thats never ending.

 

I just find it odd that if VF is reporting back that things are not traumatic, and there seems to have been a level ground reached, why everybody is still set on pouring hot oil on it all.

 

So what if everybody have a different opinion than yours? I feel that this guy needs to wake up and leave his wife plain and simple and I will continue to watch and see how this unfolds. Don't like it, tough.

 

Sum folks jus' can't stand to see others makin' a go of it.....

 

Yea, you're right. I would never want another man making a go of my woman's body.